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Mixed Feelings Author: Henrika Rogue woke up with a scream. Again. Her dream - that really wasn't *her* dream - stayed in her mind for a few seconds before it disappeared like fog disperses, completely gone at last. She had dreamt about Auschwitz, a place she had never seen or even been near, but still had memories of, after absorbing Magneto's powers and memories. His powers were cool - even though she only had a fraction of them left now - but his memories she could do without. Sighing, she got out of bed, aware that she wouldn't get anymore sleep tonight. And then she was hungry. How strange was that? Logan was *always* hungry, it seemed. She put on a robe and quietly patted out of her room. She had gotten a room of her own now, after her roommates had gotten tired of her nightly screams and nightmares. Rogue went to the student lounge. What she really wanted was a beer and a raw stake, but she decided that hot chocolate would do fine. "Find what you're looking for?" suddenly a voice behind her said. Marie spun around. Professor Charles Xavier sat there, in his wheelchair, dressed for the night, just as she was, looking straight at her. She had not heard his approach, which was strange, considering how his wheelchair always sounded. "I couldn't sleep," she muttered, "so I got up and went here to have something to eat. This will do," she then said and showed him her mug. "Hot chocolate is nice," Charles said and wheeled to a table. "Would it be asking too much to make one for me too?" "Not at all," Rogue said and took out another mug, and poured the chocolate. Then she went to the table and sat down opposite of him, giving him the other mug. "Would you like to tell me now?" Charles asked while they carefully sipped their chocolate. "What did you dream?" He was a telepath. Of course he knew what was going on inside her head. "I had a nightmare. That isn't so bad. I'm starting to get used to them." "Is it..." He let the sentence trail off to let her finish it herself. "It is... about the war," she said, and didn't really know how to frame her sentence. In fact, the dreams were not the only problem. There were other things too. Feelings, for instance. Some of them were downright awkward, and she was not sure if she could discuss them with the professor, no matter how much she trusted him. It could get embarrassing. "Erik's memories?" he asked. Marie nodded. "Yeah. I dream of things I've never experienced. It's weird to have another person's memories in my head." Now Xavier laughed. Rogue looked at him in surprise. Had she said something funny? "You hardly need to explain to me what it feels like to have another person in the head," he said and suddenly became serious again. "When I had my power - I was a little younger than you are now - I believed I would drown in all the voices that filled my head. It went on for months. I was losing my mind." Marie looked down in her chocolate mug and swallowed. It's still not the same thing, she thought. Charles could choose himself who he wanted in his head and who he scanned. She couldn't. She was stuck with the memories and feelings, whatever she did. "It is..." she said, hesitated, and then carried on, "honestly, professor, it's more than just the memories. I could handle them, no matter how nasty and frightening they are, but..." Charles regarded her, right across the table, and waited for her to continue her sentence. He was going to let her finish in her own pace, without rushing her. "It is alright. I'm listening," he said gently. "Whatever it is, you can tell me, Marie. I will be happy to help you." "I've "inherited" certain... feelings as well," she said at last, with burning red cheeks. "It...feels so weird... I suddenly crave for beer, motorcycles and raw stakes, like Logan does, and then there is more." "Would you like to tell me?" She nodded. She couldn't get any better chance to relieve her heart than this. "I feel... sometimes, when Logan is strongest in my head, I feel attracted to Jean. And..." No! she thought. I can't. What will he think of me? Still she continued. "...and sometimes I feel attracted to you, professor, when Magneto... I... His memories, feelings..." "I see," Charles said gravely. "I almost saw it coming." "I feel completely twisted..." Marie said quietly and felt tears burning behind her eyelids. "Don't, dear child," the professor said in a mild, calm voice. "I understand. You don't have to be ashamed. It is completely natural. Logan was in fact attracted to Jean, and it's nothing strange that that feeling has been transferred to you. And Erik..." He sighed. What would come now was obviously a sensitive subject even to him, but he continued after a while of silence. "Erik...and I... We used to... We have known each other for a long time," he said finally. "We first met not long after he came here, in 1949. I was seventeen, he was eighteen. We became friends, and eventually also more than friends." Rogue didn't know what to say, although she had known it, subconsciously, all the time. "Do you mean that... Magneto and you...were lovers?" "Yes. But that was a long time ago," Charles replied. "I honestly didn't know he still thought about me that way. I am honestly surprised. But if his feelings bother you, we have to work it out, Marie." Rogue didn't answer. Suddenly she felt it was hard to look into the professor's eyes. She knew much more about him than she should know, through Erik's eyes. She knew for instance what made Charles laugh, where he was ticklish, what he liked to read, and how he liked to be kissed. Things that only a lover and/or a very close friend could know, and that a student certainly shouldn't know about her headmaster. There were other things too, but she usually tried to avoid thinking about them. What Charles liked in bed was something that Marie didn't like to think of, especially when he was sitting opposite her at a table. "Would you like to talk about it?" Charles asked gently when he noticed her discomfort. "I don't know what to say..." she murmured embarrassedly. "The thing is that I sometimes see you as an ex lover instead of the school's headmaster." "Do you see me through Erik's eyes?" Marie nodded. "May I ask what you see?" Now she gave a weak smile. "I...eh, know what you looked like while you still had your hair." "Well... I have been young too," Charles said and tried to think back at the time when he actually had been. "And when you could walk," Marie continued. "Erik helped me through the crisis after the accident. I had never done it without him. I owe him a lot. He was my friend, my lover and my...brother. I loved him very much. We supported each other." "What really happened to him? During the war?" Rogue asked carefully. "If I knew, it might be easier for me to handle his nightmares." Charles shrugged his shoulders. "Well, Marie... You have heard about the Holocaust, I take it. His entire family - all his relatives - were destroyed. He was the only one who survived. His mutant power first displayed itself at the concentration camp, and apparently the Nazis thought it was interesting, so he was taken to Mengele, who used him as material for medical experiments. What really happened to him there, I do not know for certain, because he doesn't really know himself. Anyway, he survived the war, and Auschwitz, and fled from everything that reminded him of his previous life. He came here, to the USA, and here I met him. He was the most beautiful being I had ever seen. Tall, slender, with large pale blue eyes, thick, dark hair, distinguished cheekbones... I had been quite sure that I was a homosexual already in my early teens, but Erik was the first man I ever fell in love with." Rogue listened in silence. The image of Magneto as a kind and amiable lover was a bit hard to picture, but she did realize that he had not always been like he was now. "He wasn't a terrorist then," Xavier said, like he knew what she was thinking. Maybe he did. "Only a scared, young mutant, frightened of his own powers, like myself." "I want to understand him," she said thoughtfully. "I want to understand what he's gone through, and why he's become so bitter, but... not this way. I don't know how, but I think I'd like to get his memories out of my head." "Hmm," Charles said and nodded. "I understand you. Erik was not always easy to live with for me either, nor are his memories, I suspect." "Do you think you could help me get them away?" she asked him. Xavier sighed. "It isn't that simple, my dear child. I would love to help you, but it isn't that simple. You'll simply have to learn how to handle them, even if it won't always be easy. And remember that I am always here if you need to talk. Don't hesitate to come to me, Marie. I promise I will always be here if you need me." She nodded. "I'll remember that, professor." "Does it feel better now when we have talked about this?" She nodded again. "Yes, I think so." "Should his memories - and Logan's as well, for that matter - become too troublesome for you, then come to me, and we could discuss whether I should try to erase them. But let's attempt to make it without that first, alright?" "Alright, professor." "I believe we should go back to bed. Marie. You have a geography test tomorrow, do you remember that?" "Yeah, of course." She stood up, took their mugs to the sink and put them there. Charles wheeled away from the table and steered his wheelchair toward her. "Marie? Have you anything to add before we separate tonight?" Rogue pondered. There was something that she had wanted to ask, but she wasn't sure if it was a good idea. "Yes, there is one thing..." she murmured. "About Erik...Magneto... Could I come with you next time you go to visit him? I think I'd understand him better if I got to talk to him, face to face, if you know what I mean." Charles looked honestly surprised. "I don't know if that is a good idea, Marie. Erik isn't feeling well in the prison, and I don't know it if would be good for either of you if you met now. Besides the authorities are very reluctant to let anyone visit him. I barely managed to get a permission to do it myself." "Alright. I see." "But if you want to tell him something, you could always write a letter," he suggested. "I'll make sure that he gets it, and I promise to bring his response back to you. How about that?" Marie nodded. "That's a pretty good idea. Maybe I will." "Good. Just remember not to use any metallic paper clips or anything like that. Then they won't let me bring it in." "Sure, I'll remember that." "Do you think you can rest easier now?" "I don't know. I hope so." "Goodnight, Marie. Remember what I said," Charles Xavier said seriously and wheeled out through the door in his wheelchair. Marie stood there in the quiet, empty lounge for a while. Then she turned off the lights and slowly started walking back to her own room. Her problems were not over, but at least she thought she understood them somewhat better now, as opposed to before. And the professor would always be there to help her if she needed him. It was a reassuring thought. The End Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to their owners/creators/copyright holders. This fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights. |
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