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Distant Memories Author: kessica She knew that it was all her fault and no one would convince her otherwise. It was all she could think about and she began to pattern her movements after it. "All" Left foot. "My" Right foot. "Fault." Stop. Willow might not wake up ever again and no matter how many times you save a person's life, killing them overshadows them all. The one person who might really understand her was dead already, Kendra. Some of Angel's cronies, she supposed. Her stomach churned to think of Giles so she tried not to. Torture, her mine blipped. Your watcher is being tortured because you, yes you, are a big ho. Hatred surged for Angelus and that bitch, that psycho bitch, Drusilla. Now she was alone. By herself, just like Whistler said. And only because of her instincts did she realize the police were on her trail, were calling for her to put up her arms. "Hold it right there. Put your hands on your head. Do it!" But no, not tonight. Nor any night would she willingly cooperate with the police in Sunnydale, the morons that they were, but most definitely not tonight. Well, she was already a fugitive, right? She started to place her cold fingers to her head, tensing to fight when the police grunted and went down. "Hello, cutie." The bleach job was unmistakable as was the low class accent. She was furious and calm at the same time. Spike, while usually a nightmare in the category of going to school naked, could be useful now. She'd either kill him and release some of the rage that was holding her hostage or he would kill her and she could just get some rest. She wouldn't go down without a fight though and she let her limbs fly. He made it clear that he was not there for a food fight 'n' dust. He started to talk, to propose his plan and all she could give was a hollow laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. He wanted to stop Angel. He wanted to save the fucking world. She would remember that moment with alarming clarity for the rest of her time as the slayer. For the rest of her life. It was the moment of change, when their relationship altered. The first truce, her fate had been decided. Things started to go wrong on a completely different level. "Ok, fine. You aren't down with Angel. Why would you ever come to me?" He could see that while he hated turning to the slayer, he hated the thought of Drusilla with Angel even more. He could only picture them when he tried to sleep and the way she called him 'daddy' made his dead flesh crawl. Put off by her hostile reaction to what he thought was a pretty fair idea, he almost lied. But he found when it was about Drusilla, he couldn't. "I want Dru back, I want it like it was before he came back. The way she acts around him..." It was more then he could take. He loved her with everything he had, but her dark beauty no longer belonged to him. Had it ever really? "You're pathetic." she spat, not about to show him that she understood. That she had felt the same way about Angel. It didn't matter what he had done to her, to her family and friends. She wanted him back despite that and that part of herself made her feel disgusting. She was also disgusted to find she had something in common with Spike. But Spike couldn't hear her inner soliloquy, only what she said out loud and what she had said pissed him off. He punch her in the face, hard. She hit him back, but it was half-hearted. She'd rather talk, the fight for him left in her at this moment was dwindling. "I lost a friend tonight." she reminded him. And the look she had been sporting in her eyes all night told him that she was out for blood. "I wasn't in on that raiding party." he admitted, keeping to himself that he hadn't been in on much of anything lately. Buffy didn't care. "And I may lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care." The anger hid the shame of the double accusation. Hadn't she just called herself that? Not only was she letting everything she cared about get sucked all to hell, but she was a hypocrite at that. How dare he, though. How dare he come to her with his proclamations of love, ready to betray his kind, when Angel couldn't do it. Spike had no soul and was ready to give it all away for love. She felt nauseous. Spike was a better man then Angel. "I can't fight them both alone, and neither can you." And the truth infuriated Buffy. Falling back on her pure instinct, the ever present feeling in her gut, she did the only thing she really knew how to. She backhanded him hard enough that if he were a human, he would have died. "I hate you." but even the fire was gone from that statement. She was suddenly exhausted and she glanced around for a place to sit. "And I'm all you've got." Spike was the thin line, ignore him and the world would be sucked into hell (not a bad option at the moment), but a truce with Spike might save them all in more ways then one. *** The hospital, milling with police, was not the safest place for Buffy but the people who waited there, they waited anxiously for a sign of her. Oz had relieved Xander of his bedside vigil and Willow slept on. She needed to rest, now that she was out of the woods. Cordelia and Xander sat side by side in the hall, Xander fidgeting awkwardly. He had told Willow that he loved her and it had been the truth. Now, sitting next to his girlfriend, he was trying to decided if love equaled in love. Cordelia's fingers ran the length of his hand, wrist to fingertips, over and over. He did love Cordelia, he was sure. The motion calmed him and he filled with the warm, fuzzy feeling she always left him with. And while his delimma was far from over, the answer for the moment was clear. "Cordelia?" "Hmm?" she asked, jarred out of whatever world she had been in. "I love you." Her grip tightened around his wrist and it was a moment before she could reply. "I love you, too." He nodded, relieved. There was nothing else to do now, but wait for Buffy. *** They pretended not to look at each other as they walked through an uncomfortable silence. She wanted to stake him and she feared more for herself, then him, that their truce wouldn't hold. He kept looking at her neck, the way her veins pulsed with the sweetest blood. If he didn't want to kill her so badly, it was almost hot, the way her skin looked and mostly tasted. But she had brought Angelus back and fucked up his perfectly acceptable life. He was pleased with what he had, he really had been. Why hadn't they killed each other yet? He'd killed two slayers and he was nothing she couldn't handle. But still they fought and it was almost like a dance the way they did it. They were almost good together, fighting him was fun, it felt right. She looked over at him again, really looked. He didn't really look like the killer he'd made himself out to be. Neither did Angel. But... she hadn't killed Angelus because he had looked so much like her once lover. And now she was paying for it and she refused to make that mistake again. Her mother's shrill edge and the screech on an SUV was almost welcome. Almost, but her mother's frantic, furious flailing was scary and she wished she didn't have to deal with her right now. "Where have you been? Are you okay? The police were here! I've been looking for you!" So many questions and Buffy was suddenly quite aware of their surroundings. There could be vampires, or worse, watching them. "You know, Mom, let's go inside and I can explain." She needed to get her mother inside and not jus her mother. He fear doubled. "Mom! Why is Dawn still awake?" Joyce looked at her younger daughter like she had forgotten she was there. Dawn didn't looked scared but apprehensive. She knew something was going on. "Dawnie, come here, let's get you to bed." "How could you have her out here at night?" Buffy seethed in disbelief. "Don't you know how dangerous it is?" She started to shake at the thought of what could happen to Dawn. At just how many things wanted a piece of the slayer's sister. "Now wait. Who is this man, exactly?" She glared at him, at the unnatural look about him. "Who are you?" Dawn clambered out of the car and grasped loosely her mother's hand. "Mom, I'm okay." Buffy said, trying to herd them all past the threshold of the Summer's home. "Buffy, terrible things have happened. What were you doing?" Spike nudged her and chuckled and she held back the urge to sock him across the cheekbone. "What, your mum doesn't know?" "Know what?" Joyce asked. Buffy couldn't believe they were still on the lawn. "She's a vampire slayer." Dawn whispered, with a tug, but nobody paid any mind to her. But Spike heard and gave her a feral grin. Dawn scooted back behind her mother, sure that he was one of them. "I'm in a band." she said, too quickly. "With Spike here." Spike watched her, deciding whether he would cover for her or not, his eyes still drawn to her skin, her neck, her throat which swallowed compulsively when she lied. He didn't get the chance to make the choice and the vampire nearly tackled him. He hurled himself at Joyce and Dawn while Buffy grabbed him and pushed him at Spike. He got in a few satisfying punches before the little blond thing staked him. "One of Angel's boys." Spike stated. "Watching me. Or you." "Least he won't rat on us now." Spike said, wanting to offer something optimistic. They didn't mention the fact that there were more, probably running to go tell Angel what happened. If Angel had time to prepare for both of them, they would both die. "Just tell me what's going on. Who was that horrid man? What did you do to him?" Her mother looked exhausted. Buffy was exhausted too, all the way down to her bones. She looked at Spike who stepped back as if to say, 'I'm not gonna tell her, she's your mum.' "Mom... I'm a vampire slayer." "I knew it!" Dawn screeched, pleased she had for once been in the loop. Spike laughed at her spunk, a ship off the ole big sister block. She was a mini, brown headed slayer. She was pretty, but did lack the super strength. But even Spike knew it wasn't the strength that made the slayer special. Since when did he think of Buffy as special. His grin faded. Buffy was giving him a look of suspicious contempt. "Can we just go inside?" *** "Stay in here, I'll put Dawn to bed. Try not to kill each other." Buffy said but was unsure if she meant the last part. Her life would be phenomenally easier if she didn't have to deal with either of them at the moment. Besides, them in the same place, in the same room, making conversation was just too... weird. "So how did you know I was the slayer?" she asked, perched on the edge of Dawn's bed. "I'm not stupid. I hear stuff." Buffy's stare didn't waver. "And I read your diary." Dawn admitted. She expected anger but her sister just leaned in a kissed her forehead. Buffy would not lose Dawn, she loved her bratty, snooping sister. Tears welled in Dawn's eyes as Buffy turned to leave. "You have to promise me something." "What?" She would try to give her whatever was asked of her. "Come back to me." Now tears welled inside the slayer as well. "You know I can't promise that. It would be unfair to, like, the whole world." Understanding flickered across Dawn's young face. "Ok. Well, at least hurt him. Really bad." "Now that I can do, Dawnie. He'll definitely pay for everything he did to us." *** "Giles dies, she dies." He knew the slayer meant it. He should have been back to the mansion by now but instead he stopped and fished around in his pocket for a cigarette. He stood on the porch listening to Buffy and her mum bicker. The stupid bint hadn't figured it out by now? She had always seemed so smart. But Buffy had been at it for years now, after all. Joyce was a good human, but the slayer needed her support and the woman just wasn't giving it. I mean, she was about to go kill the love of her life. Not that he cared, he didn't. He would get Dru and get as far away from the bloody Hellmouth as he could. The place hadn't treated him well in a good, long while and it was high time he left it. Somewhere else would be fine, away from the blond bitch and her dysfunctional family. "You're kind of a weird vampire." Dawn had stealthily slipped outside to stand beside him. "Why's that, luv?" "Buffy likes you. Kinda goes against the whole slayer thing. Well, she did before Angel lost his soul. Now she's just kinda sad all the time, and angry." And watching the girl, Spike began to understand about siblings because this girl was from Buffy in a way he had never thought of before. Not so much in looks, except for in the eyes, but she had the same strength of character. "Slayer likes me, you say?" "Yeah." she shrugged, deciding if anyone could keep a secret from Buffy, it was a vampire. "I read her diaries. And listen to her phone conversations, too." That made Spike smile. "But, she writes, like, everything down. Which is probably a must, so the new slayer can learn what she learned." "That's generally how it works." Spike agreed. "She'll write how she hates you with little hate-y pictures in the margins, but then she'll spend two pages describing one fight with you. The way you two move together is perfection, she says." Perfection, he mouthed. "I like her too." he said, when he got his voice back. Dawn gave him a sideways glance. That wasn't exactly what she had said but she let him continue. "Fighting her is fun. Too fun to kill her-" he lowered his voice, "if I could. And when Angelus, that's his old name, came back, I thought I was happy. But it was different and I think I blamed your sister." Spike shrugged, trying to regain his indifferent self. "I think she knows you're honorable. You keep it business, don't try to kill her family or friends. I mean hey, look at my aliveness." Dawn pointed out. "Confidentially, I was never the torturer that Angelus was. All that adrenaline tainted the blood. Just kill 'em already." Joyce's and Buffy's voices could be heard now, from the kitchen. "They're arguing, aren't they?" Spike, distracted, tried to pick up what was being said. He nodded at her question. "What are they saying?" "She just told your Mum she was stupid for not figurin' it out already. And your Mum told her she's got to quit being the slayer... you sure you want to hear this?" Spike continued at the girl's nod, saying Buffy's words verbatim. "No, it doesn't stop! It never stops. Do you think I chose to be like this? Do have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or - God, even studying. But I have to save the world - again." This made Dawn shift on the hard wood steps and bite her lips to keep from crying. Buffy had been lonely and guilty and even a girl knew those were a bad combination. "Oh, bloody brilliant, your mother thinks Buffy is insane." Spike's face faltered. "And she said Buffy can't ever come back if she leaves. She's gonna get her daughter killed! And-" "Spike?" her small voice ceased his running dialogue. "I need you to do something. I mean, I know you love Dru and probably want to eat me right now, or something, but I need Buffy a lot. I'm not telling you to make sure she's ok, she can take care of herself, but just..." "What is it, pet?" "Make sure Angelus gets what he deserves, is all." With that, she got up and walked into the house. Alone, he got up quickly and headed for the mansion. Dawn's unwavering stare got to him and he silently damned her, damned her sister, and damned their ability to wind their way into his life, into his heart. He didn't have to do what that girl asked of him. He would go in, get Dru, and leave the world to Angelus if that was easiest. But walking in and surveying the scene in front of him, he knew what he had to do. *** Buffy walked down the street in the early morning light, the place deserted. She had burned a lot of bridges last night. She was now without a home, without a school, and all her friends were seriously injured. But, of course, this only made her task easier. To kill the one man she had loved. She had to save the world, it was a simple as that. Dawn needed to live. Willow, Xander, and Cordelia even, needed the chance to live. She let her thoughts linger on her Watcher for a moment. It only fueled her reserve more. Nobody hurt Giles, it just wasn't done. She would die to save them all, and with every step, she felt more ready to give up what was left of her life. Xander ran down from the bushes and appeared in front of her. "Xander!" she said, a little startled. "Calvary's here! Calvary's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here." She didn't reply but she was glad he was there. Suddenly, she didn't want to die alone. Usually, she'd tell him to go home, to save himself, but his presence soothed her and he wouldn't leave even if she did ask it of him. Instead, she held up a stake and he took it, tossing his rock aside. "That's better." "You aren't here to fight." she said, finally, deciding she better let him in on at least part of her plan. "You get Giles, and you get out. Run like hell, save him, you understand?" She knew he did. "I can't protect you. I'll be pretty busy with the killing." The joke was meant to lighten the mood but it didn't. With her unending, unknown source of confidence, she took the blanket off the sword she'd been carrying. "Now, that's a new look for you." "It's a present for Angel." Her warm fuzzies for Xander and life faded as she got closer to the mansion and her voice grew hard and cold. "Willow... she told me to tell you..." he looked like he was about to lie to her. She waited, watching his expression. He wasn't going to tell about the curse, he knew he should tell her that the others were trying to get Angel back, but he just couldn't. "Tell me what?" "Kick his ass." Telling her might kill her. It might make her wait. He just couldn't. He smiled at her in an apologetic way. They didn't talk for the rest of the way. *** As deciding moments of fate seemed to go, everything happened at once. Xander half carried, half drug the wounded watcher out of the mansion, right past the main fight. Out of the corner of Buffy's eye, she saw them exit and locked eyes with her watcher for what must have been less than a second, but it gave her strength to go on, just knowing he was alive. Xander wanted to stay and do what he could to help but even he knew that wasn't very much so he left to get the older man to a hospital. In a room in the same hospital the men were headed to, Willow did what she could to help. And those watching her were at a loss at what to do when her eyes grew dark and her head whipped back at an ungodly angle. But the terrible climax took place at the mansion. Buffy and Angelus were in a corner and Spike glanced over his shoulder. He'd been carrying Dru right out of the mess but couldn't help to make sure that the Slayer would win. "Bollocks. He's gonna end her!" He growled. He took another step for the exit before he dumped Dru unceremoniously to the floor where she landed in a heap and rushed to face his sire, hopefully, one last time. Angelus, for what it was worth, was having a pretty good time. Looming over Buffy and he noted that while the fire in her eyes was still there, it wasn't the passionate, smoldering flame it had once been, but cold. Her normally green eyes were ice blue and hard. Angel knew he could break her and it made him smile. "No weapons, no family, no friends, and most importantly, no hope!" He cried. He was close to her, she could smell the death on him, he was close enough to kill her. "Take that away and what's left?" She closed her eyes and he thrust the sword at her. She caught it. "Me." Part of her had been waiting for back up, but now she knew she had to do it alone. She'd always hated being alone, that's why there had always been a Scooby gang, while she had always needed Giles so desperately. But now, it had all come down to this, to just her, and she was ready for it. Of course, Spike took that moment to lung at Angelus. And while he pounded furiously, Buffy stood dumbstruck. What was happening? She could have defeated him on her own, she knew this now, but... what was happening. Angel growled, throwing Spike off. The slayer part of her didn't let Angel's diverted attention distract her. His back was to her so she took the moment to strike. The three of them rolled and kicked and punched their way back into the mansion, right to the base of Acathla. Spike spotted the sword and tossed it to the slayer. Angel gasped and bright yellow shown in his eyes. Buffy knew the spell had worked. Angel was back, soul intact. But still. It didn't change what she had to do. Watching the somewhat heart wrenching display, Spike knew he should take Dru and just leave. The Slayer had a choice to make and he'd done way more then he'd planned. The vortex was opening. Spike turned to go. "NO!" the screech startled them both but didn't deter Buffy from plunging the sword deep into Angel's chest. Dru was running at him and when the vortex closed, both Angel and Drusilla were gone. They both held their breath. Making a sound, making a movement would make it real. behind them, part of the structure of the mansion that had been damaged during the fight broke and smashed to the floor. They both turned and looked at each other. Buffy walked away first, but Spike... he couldn't leave. Not until the sun went down at least. "You leaving, then?" He asked in a much smaller voice then she was used to hearing. "I'll find you a blanket before I go." she offered. He shrugged. "Maybe I'll leave, too." *** She was disappointed but not surprised. The note said this: Dawnie, I feel so numb inside but at the same time, the pain is going to tear me apart. You know I loved Angel and you know I had to kill him. I don't promise you I'll be back, you know I can't keep promises. But I love you and when you need me the most, I'll be there for you. When I find a place far enough, I'll let you know. Tell my friends I love them. Take care of Mom. Love, Buffy Crying, she folded the letter up and slid it in between her mattress and her box spring. With all her secret stuff, it was getting pretty crowded in there. She felt alone without her sister. She and Buffy were both alone now. But at least Dawn had the Scoobies and her mom and her friends that weren't Buffy related. She just hoped Buffy would find someone to share the pain with. *** Hugging the tree, she watched them for one last time. And as much as she wanted to walk over to them and reassure them she was alive, fresh pain was a hard thing to deal with. It made people act irrationally. Made avoidance a daily chore. Right now, she needed to be far away. She turned and walked away, the strap of her bag cutting into her shoulder. Three blocks away, the engine was already running and he made her drive to be on the safe side. The windows in the back were darker anyway and he could curl up and sleep while she navigated highway one down the coast. The End Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to their owners/creators/copyright holders. This fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights. |
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