Touching Willow

Part Two

We took the long way home, avoiding both the Pine Street
graveyard and Willow's house. I didn't want there to be
any distractions. And besides, it was nice walking along
with Xander's hand in mine. It made me feel like a regular
girl for a little bit. The fact that Xander was hurting so badly
really took all the fun out of it though.

The one thing I noticed was that he never stopped holding
my hand. I wasn't keeping a tight hold on him anymore, he
could've let go if he'd wanted to. I guess he didn't want to.
That made me feel good, to know he was willing to let me
hold him, to let me help him. Just knowing that he liked
holding my hand felt good. I think maybe I needed it just
as much as he did.

We didn't talk at all. Which is pretty amazing considering
this is me and Xander we're talking about. I think just
being together was enough. I wasn't even thinking about
it, not really. At least not the details. I was just thinking
about the fact that I don't like it when he's hurting. And the
fact that sometimes it seems like all he does is hurt. And
how unfair that is. And how much I really, really wanted to
help him. Okay, I guess I was thinking about it after all. Sue
me.

It didn't take us too long to get home, even though I was
walking pretty slow. I was trying to figure out what to
tell my mom. Like I'd told Xander, she loves having him
over for dinner, that wasn't the problem. But there was
no way I was letting him go home after dinner, and there
was no way I was letting him be alone either. And I
figured that might be a problem.

I hadn't thought of how to tell her by the time we arrived.
I figured I'd wing it later on. It works on vampires, why
not my mom?

Mainly 'cause my mom can be tougher than any vampire, but
I tried not to think about that.

She was in the kitchen, just finishing up dinner. I had to pull
Xander in through the doorway. He had decided to be difficult
again, apparently. I wasn't worried, I knew Mom could wear
him down. She was so busy at the stove she hadn't even heard
us come in.

"Hey Mom! He followed me home. Can I keep him?" Xander
looked down at his shoes at that, but I could tell he was smiling
a little bit. He tried to pull his hand out of mine again, but I didn't
let him.

Mom turned around with a puzzled look on her face, but that
turned into a big grin when she saw Xander. "I don't know,
honey. Has he had his shots?"

"I'm not sure. He does look kinda wormy, doesn't he?"

Mom put her hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle and Xander
smiled a bit more, but then his face clouded. "Hey! I think I
resent that!" But there was so much of the old, normal Xander
humor in his voice that I knew he wasn't thinking about Willow
for just a second. I counted that as a victory. You take what
you can get in this line of work.

If it was a victory it was short-lived though. Xander's eyes
were the first to show the pain was back, then just like that
I could tell it all came back to him. He hid it well, he always
does, but I could see it.

Mom saw it too, or saw something at least. She looked at
his eyes, then seemed to notice for the first time that we were
holding hands. Her eyes went all soft and she took a few steps
towards Xander. Her hand came up as if to touch him, but she
seemed to catch herself and dropped it back to her side.

"Xander? Are you okay, honey?" Her voice was so soft, just
like when she tucks me into bed when I get sick or hurt. And
her eyes were all over him, checking out every part for cuts or
injuries. I see that look every night when I come home, but this
was different somehow. It was like she was expecting to find
something even worse than what we pick up fighting vampires.

I didn't have time to figure it out. Xander's voice broke my train
of thought. "I'm okay, Mrs. Summers. Nothing wrong here."

It was the most unconvincing lie I've ever heard come out of
his mouth, and believe me I've heard some whoppers. But
Mom dropped it. She could tell Xander wanted her to. She
never drops it when I want her to, but I'm not bitter. Well,
maybe a tad.

"Okay, if you say so. Why don't you two set the table? I hope
you like beef stew, because I made enough to feed an army."
Then she looked at Xander again and smiled a bit ruefully.
She was obviously revising her first estimate and wondering
if she'd made enough. Like I said, Mom likes having Xander
over for dinner. She told me once that he'll eat us out of house
and home if we give him half a chance, but she loves having
someone around who likes her cooking so darn much. And
he does dishes, which is hard to beat since Mom and I both
hate doing them.

Xander and I got the dishes and silverware out and set the
table. We had to stop holding hands, of course, but I made
sure to stay near him. Once his hand reached out towards me,
but he drew it back quickly when he realized what he was
doing. Without even really looking at him, I just pulled him
into a quick hug, then released him and went back to setting
the table. Mom saw us but didn't say anything. Once when
Xander's back was turned, she raised her eyebrows in a question
to me. All I had time to do was mouth "Willow" to her before
Xander turned around, but her eyes lit up in understanding
and I breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn't ask about
Will over dinner. That's all we needed. A minute or so later
I noticed that she moved my plate and chair a little closer to
Xander's while he wasn't looking. Damn she's good.

Dinner was good too. No, scratch that, dinner was great. Mom's
a good cook, but she outdid herself this time. The stew was
great, plenty of meat and vegetables. And she'd made fresh
bread to go along with it. And, God help us, there was even
a fresh-baked apple pie for dessert. And ice cream, of course.
It's like she'd known that Xander was coming over and that
what he needed was good food and some down time with
people who cared about him. I decided to take it as a good
omen. The conversation was good too. Mom made sure to
keep it light, drawing Xander out about various things. Nothing
to do with school or Slaying, just little stuff. A movie she'd
seen the week before, a band she somehow knew he liked. I
swear, she was perfect. I wanna be just like her when I grow
up.

I was on Xander's right side, pretty close thanks to Mom, and
I spent a lot of dinner with my left hand in my lap, just in case.
Just when I'd given up on him, Xander's hand reached over
and squeezed mine, just a little bit, before going back above
the table. I smiled, and I saw Mom did too. He wasn't waiting
for me to reach out to him anymore. I took that as a good omen
too, because I knew I couldn't do this if he wasn't helping me.
I wasn't sure I could do it even if he did help, but I felt better
about our chances after that, believe me.

After dinner we put the dishes in the sink and Mom informed
Xander that it was time to pay the bill. He smiled, another real
one, and started scrubbing. I've never understood how he can
enjoy doing dishes but have a room that looks like a federal
disaster area. He says it's the warm water, it feels nice. That
and the fact that there's a definite end in sight. Once you've
done all the dishes you know you've accomplished something.
I guess I can see that.

While he was scrubbing away - and whistling a jaunty tune,
which gave me even more reason to be hopeful - I dragged
Mom into the living room for a quick briefing. I told her what
had happened, how I'd found Xander and hadn't wanted him
to be alone. She reacted about how I expected, about the way
I had myself.

She was a bit confused though. "I thought Willow and Xander
were getting along better lately? I had such high hopes for
those two putting that mess last year behind them." Of course
Mom knows about the fluke and all that. It's not like I could
talk to Willow about it.

"I thought they were doing better too. They were doing
better. I don't know what happened. Xander said she just
freaked. I'll talk to her about it next time I see her. Right
now I'm worried about Xander."

Mom nodded and I knew she was just as worried as I was.
That's what gave me the courage to bring up what I'd been
avoiding even thinking about all night. "Mom, I want him
to stay here tonight."

She looked at me like I'd said something stupid. "Of course
he's staying here! I'm not letting him go home alone any more
than you are."

Okay, so far so good, but that was the easy part. "I want
him to sleep in my room. In my bed. With me."

I braced myself for impact, but she just nodded like me
sleeping with Xander made perfect sense. "That's a good
idea. He shouldn't be alone."

I just blinked for a few seconds, but found my voice so
I could ask the million dollar question. "Okay, who are
you and what have you done with my mother?" I was
relieved she wasn't arguing, sure, but it freaked me out too.

"I just think it's a good idea that he have someone to
be with tonight. I'm glad you thought of it." The sad
little smile on her face and her tone of voice reminded
me of how she'd reacted when we'd first come in, and I
just knew there was something else going on.

"Okay, Mom, spill. You're acting like you've been through
this with him before. And I'm not sure, but I think it bothers
me a bit that you're so willing to let me go to bed with a guy."
Well, wouldn't it bother you?

She chuckled a bit at that. "I know you don't feel that way
about Xander, honey. Though I've never understood why.
You two would be so good together..." She shook her head
and derailed that train of thought, much to my relief.

"Okay, but what about the other part? You've seen him like
this before?" I hate to say it, but I think I was a bit jealous.
Even I'd never really seen him like this before. He'd never let
me.

She didn't want to answer me, I could tell that easily enough.
Finally she nodded a little bit, and her face went all tender.
"I've seen him like this before, yes. It was last summer while
you were... gone." Pain crossed her face but it was gone in
a second. "He came over one night when he needed a friend
and everyone else was out of town." Her face closed up.
"And that's all I can tell you. But I know that he needs you
tonight, Buffy, and I'm so glad you're here for him." She
leaned over and hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe for
a second, then got up and pulled me off the couch. "Now
let's go get him out of the kitchen before he gets lonely. Or
sets those ugly curtains on fire again."

My mother, ladies and gentlemen. God, I don't appreciate
her enough.

I let her go in ahead of me. I had a call to make.

Giles answered on the third ring, which meant he took the
time to turn the TV off so no one would know he was watching
Simpsons reruns. It scares me how well I know him sometimes.
But mostly it makes me feel good.

"Ah, Hello?" He always sounds awkward on the phone. I've
never figured out why.

"Giles, it's Buffy." Of course he knew that, but it's one of
the things you say, right? "I need a favor."

"Oh hello Buffy. What's wrong?" He slipped into protective
Watcher-mode like he was born to it. Which he was, I guess.

"Could you do the patrol for me tonight?" I swear, I could
hear his eyebrows bunch together in confusion. "Xander's
having some trouble and I don't want to leave him alone."

"Trouble, what kind of trouble?" He's just as protective of
Xander and Will as he is of me, and I love him for it.

"He and Will had a huge fight and he thinks she hates him."
That's as concise as I could make it.

"Willow doesn't hate him." Giles said it like it was the
simplest thing in the world. We think alike.

"I know that and you know that, but Xander won't until
Will calms down and they can talk. It was bad. So can
you handle the patrol tonight?"

"Of course, I'd be happy to. I'll go out in just a little while,
after I'm done with some, er, things here."

I smiled at that. "So which episode is it tonight?"

His voice brightened. "The one with Bleeding Gums Murphy
in the hospital. I've always liked..." He paused, then resumed
in a calmer tone. "What I m-meant to say is I have no idea
what you're referring to."

I laughed, and I heard him chuckle a bit. "That's a good
one all right. I'll let you go so you can get back to it
before the song."

I felt him smile ruefully from clear across town. "Well,
thank you. Not that I have any idea what you're talking
about."

"Of course not. Bye Giles, and thanks." I hung up the
phone with a grin on my face. It faded a bit as I went
into the kitchen. Serious business ahead.

Xander and Mom were just finishing up putting the dishes
away. Xander looked up and smiled at me as I came in, then
gestured to the empty sink and clean table and stove.

"Will that pay for my meal ladies, or are there other..." a
pause, a slight leer, "services you require?" I felt my eyes
go wide and my cheeks burn. On the one hand, if he could
joke like that again I knew he was getting better, but on the
other hand, my mother was standing right there!

And on the eww! hand, she had a speculative look on her
face! She scrunched up her mouth the way she does when
she's thinking something through, then finally said "Tempting
as the offer is, I think we're even now Xander." I'd swear
there was real regret in her voice, which I so did not need
to hear.

Xander shrugged philosophically and the subject was dropped,
to my immense relief. Mom herded us out into the living room
and we began what I can only call Operation Xander-Cheer.
Dear lord above did we do our best to take that boy's mind
off of Willow. Mom directed things like a general in battle.
First came the board games. Mom dug out all the games and
we played Parcheesi. I wanted Yahtzee but I was overruled.
Sure, let the guy who just lost his best friend pick the game.
Bah. But I think it's safe to say a fun time was had by all.

Next came the movie. Mom put me in charge of picking the
movie while she and Xander put the games away and got the
popcorn and soda ready. As you might imagine, I took my
responsibility very seriously. Great care must be taken in
choosing a good cheer-up movie in the best of circumstances,
and these circumstances certainly weren't the best. I looked
through our collection with a practiced eye. No chick flicks,
because Willow loved those and we didn't want to think about
her. No romances, because even though Xander said he didn't
think of Willow that way, I figured he was lying so I didn't
want to take the risk. Which meant The Princess Bride was
a no-go, and that one had always served as my default movie
in situations like this. I thought about an action flick, but the
only one we have is True Lies and I wasn't in the mood to
see Xander's reaction to Jamie-Lee's dancing scene, even if
it would cheer him up. I finally decided wacky comedy was
the only way to go, and since Xander, Willow and I had
watched my Marx Brothers stuff together just a few weeks
before, and since Xander always got depressed at the end
of Animal House when the subtitles say Boone and Katy get
divorced, I knew there was only one real choice. Only one
movie that would fit the bill.

I speak, of course, of The Blues Brothers. Comedy, action,
great music, and a car chase through a mall. Any movie that
has Illinois Nazis, Princess Leia, a mission from God, cute
orphans, psycho nuns, the Illinois National Guard, the best
damned fried chicken in the state, white slaver impersonations
and Ray Charles firing a .45 at a little kid is good by me.So
when Xander and mom came back into the living room with
the eats I popped the movie in and we settled in on the couch.

And we laughed. Oh how we laughed. I don't remember ever
laughing that hard. And Xander was the same - he laughed
so much he could barely breathe. That bothered me at first,
I was afraid he was working at it too hard. I was afraid he
was trying to deny his feelings rather than just put them
aside for a bit. But I watched him for awhile and I knew
that's not what he was doing. He was just ignoring the pain
for a little while, giving himself time to regroup before
dealing with it. So I did the same, and we had fun, real
honest fun. We needed it. Him especially, but me too. I
still didn't think I was going to be able to help him through
everything, but sitting there with him and Mom, laughing
our asses off, I knew I'd give it my best shot and that was
all I could do. But I was scared, as scared as I'd ever been
fighting vampires. If I screwed up there, the worst that would
happen to me is that I'd die. If I screwed up here, I'd have to
live knowing that I'd hurt Xander, hurt him even more when
he was already in pain. If I did that to him, I wouldn't want
to go on living.

With an effort I put the thoughts out of my head and got
back to laughing like a fiend. When the movie was over I
realized I had my head resting on Xander's shoulder, and
he had his arm around me. I couldn't tell you when that
happened, but it felt nice. It felt nice to sit there and watch
a movie with a normal guy, a guy I could let into my house
and let my mother know about. That's the first time I ever
wished I loved Xander as more than a friend. Mom was
right, we would've been good together. But it wasn't meant
to be, I guess. And no matter what, that was not the time to
get into it, so I put those thoughts out of my head and got
moving. It was hard getting up and leaving his arms though,
I'll tell you that.

When I stood up, I realized that Mom had fallen asleep. She
was leaning against the back of the couch, dead to the world.
That didn't surprise me too much. She always falls asleep on
the couch then wakes up to go to bed later on. She says she
needs the nap to come up with the energy to make it to bed.
Mom's weird.

I pulled Xander up off the couch and we managed to get
Mom rearranged so she was lying down more comfortably
without waking her up. This was not a difficult task since
Mom sleeps almost as deeply as Willow. I pulled an afghan
over her as Xander gathered up the glasses and popcorn
bowls and brought them into the kitchen. After he was out
of the room, I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.
She'd been so good all night, I knew if I got through to
Xander it would be because of her as much as anything
I did.

When I got into the kitchen, Xander had already washed
the bowls and was moving on to the glasses. That boy
worries me. But it really looked like he was enjoying
himself, so I had no complaints coming. He put the
cleaned dishes on the drying rack and turned to speak
to me.

"This, um, this has been great Buffy." He waved his hand
to indicate everything that had happened tonight. "Really
great, I really needed it. Thank you. And thank your mom
for me tomorrow, will you?" His eyes darted to the door,
then back to me.

I just smiled at him. I could tell he actually thought he
was going home. Not the brightest boy, our Xander. But
cute. "You can thank her yourself, Xander."

He looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"You're staying here tonight."

I almost cried at the relief I saw in his eyes, and the hope
in his voice. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. You're staying here. End of story."

He still had to try to argue. "Your mom's on the couch, Buff.
We shouldn't wake her up." He was obviously looking to lose
the argument though, so I knew I was making progress.

"We're not going to wake her up. You're sleeping in my bed."

He looked confused again, and I really can't blame him. "Then
where will you sleep?"

I looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. "In my bed."

I expected him to make a joke, or more likely to argue some
more. What I didn't expect was the flash of panic and pain
in his eyes. My own eyes must have betrayed that I'd seen,
because in a second it was gone. He'd shut those feelings
down, denied their existence even to himself. He's so very,
very good at that, so good it breaks my heart.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Even as I asked, I knew he wasn't
going to answer me.

And I was right. "Nothing. I'm okay." He looked at me and
relented a bit at whatever he saw in my eyes. "It's got
nothing to do with Willow, I promise. Just some stuff I
have to work through on my own."

I didn't want to let it go, but I knew I had to drop it for the
moment at least. "You know you can tell me if you need
someone to talk to?" I didn't realize how important his
answer was until I asked, and I breathed a sigh of relief
when he nodded. If he didn't know he could tell me anything,
then there was just no point. "Okay then, we'll forget it. For
now." I added as he started to smile a bit, but he just nodded
again and I knew that was the best answer I was going to get
for the moment.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs. I didn't have to
work too hard, so I was hoping we'd be okay. When I got
him into my room though, he balked. "Uh, Buff, I don't know
how good an idea this is..."

I didn't let him go any further. "Well, I do." As I looked
into his eyes, it occurred to me that I'd done that more
in the past few hours than I ever had before. Right there
I made a resolution to keep doing it. He has nice eyes, and
it's so easy to get through to him that way. "Xander, I need
to ask you for a favor."

His eyes lit up like I knew they would. Xander's always
willing to give, never to take. And I was quite willing to
ruthlessly take advantage of that fact. "What do you need?"
He was ready, willing and able to do what I wanted.

"I need you to stay here tonight." His eyes clouded. He
thought I was trying to trick him, but I wasn't. "I need
you to let me help you, let me hold you, Xander." He didn't
believe me, or couldn't let himself believe me. "I don't
want you to leave. I want you to stay. I need you to stay.
You need it too, and you know it. It hurts that you won't
let me help you, so please let me help. Okay?"

I was crying. I didn't even know it until Xander reached over
to wipe away my tears. He was crying too, a little bit. Served
him right as far as I was concerned, but I forgave him when he
pulled me into his arms and started rocking me back and forth.

"I'm sorry Buff. I don't mean to push you away, I really don't.
But this isn't easy for me. It's never been easy. I do the same
thing to Willow, if that makes it any better."

It did make it better, at least a little. What really made it
better is that he held me until I stopped crying. He held me
and he let me hold him. I just relaxed in his arms for a long
while. It was so peaceful. Until a thought occurred to me and
broke the tranquility.

I pulled away a little bit. Not far enough to leave his arms,
just enough to look up at his face. I tried to put a stern
expression on my face. "Xander, I'm supposed to be helping
you here, not the other way around."

I'm guessing I didn't look all that stern, judging by the grin
he flashed me. "Buffy, if you don't think I find holding a drop-
dead gorgeous blonde helpful you really don't know me all that
well."

I laughed at that but pulled my arm away from him to hit him
on the shoulder.He'd have been disappointed if I hadn't. "So
are you okay with this?" I swung my hand out to indicate the
bed we'd be sharing.

He still looked a bit doubtful, but he nodded. "Yeah, I'm
okay. And thank you."

"No thanks necessary. You'd do the same for me."

I knew it was a mistake the second I said it, but instead of
heading him off I let him reply. "Yes. Yes I would, Buff. I'd
sleep with you anytime. You know that." At least he let me
off easy, I guess. I'm sure a dozen worse replies had gone
through his head.

I just made a face and pushed him away a little bit. "Okay
then. I understand you sleep in your boxers, right?" Willow
had told me that, of course, but I didn't want to mention
her name. He nodded and I gestured to indicate his still
clothed body. "So strip already."

He just looked at me with that little smile on his face. I love
that smile, all the more right then because I'd been afraid I'd
never see it again. I expected him to make a crack of some
sort but he surprised me when he just pulled off his shirt and
pants. He was already barefoot because we'd taken our shoes
and socks off while we were watching the movie. So he was
standing in front of me in just his boxers.

Xander in his boxers of course led to a flashback to Xander
in his Speedo, which led to thoughts I'm not supposed to have
about Xander in his boxers and/or Speedo. Truthfully, I don't
think of Xander that way, for a whole bunch of good reasons.
He's my best friend, and I love him, but not that way. I swear
though, every once in awhile I have to ask myself just why I
don't think of him that way. Let's just say this was one of those
times and leave it at that. The boy looked good.

All of those thoughts went through my head in a second or
two. I'd like to think I managed not to gape or stare, but I
make no guarantees. Xander was just standing there with that
cute little smirk on his face, and I wanted to say something to
either wipe it off or make it a real grin, but I didn't because
he looked so tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually, take your
pick. He was tired and so was I and it just wasn't the time to
get into it. So I just turned around and pointed him to the
bathroom.

"You can brush your teeth while I change. Your toothbrush
is in the spare holder." Willow and Xander both have spare
toothbrushes at my place so as to accommodate the not
infrequent sleepover.

He didn't even complain about not getting to watch me change,
that's how tired he was. He just trudged off to the bathroom
and left me to figure out what pajamas I wanted to wear.

The obvious choice was the big, safe flannels. They were
even a Christmas present from Xander come to think of it,
so they were a good choice for two reasons. Wearing them
would let him know I liked his present and would keep me
covered while I was in bed with him. But I knew they were
the wrong choice for two reasons as well. It was too warm
for them and I didn't want Xander to think I had to be covered
up around him. He was wearing his boxers like always, so I
figured I'd wear my shorts and crop-top like always.

I knew I'd made the right choice when Xander came back
into my room. He didn't even give my skimpy outfit a second
glance. Under other circumstances that might have annoyed
me a little, but I knew it was just because he knew I trusted
him. It was no big deal because me trusting him was no big
deal. That felt good.

"So," he said, "I guess it's time for bed?" He was nervous.
So was I, so I couldn't blame him.

"Yeah, it's time for bed."

It was a bit awkward at first, which didn't surprise either one
of us. How do two best friends manage to sleep together
without feeling weird? Pretty easily, I guess. After a few false
moves and one unfortunate jab from my elbow that hopefully
won't keep Xander from having children, we settled down.
There was enough room on the bed for us to spread out at
least a little bit, but I didn't want to. I reached over his body
and took his left hand in my right, which won me a smile.
Then I snuggled in close to him and put my head on his
chest. His breath caught for a second and I was afraid I'd
pushed him too far but then he snaked his arm around me
and pulled me closer to him and it was okay again.

It was better than okay. I felt safe in his arms, warm, relaxed.
Loved. I didn't have the words to explain that to him, or to
ask him if he felt the same. All I could think to say felt so
inadequate.

"Thank you Xander."

My head was on his chest so I couldn't see him. But I felt
his smile. Felt it in my soul. And I knew he understood how
I felt, I knew he felt the same.

"You're welcome." A pause. "Thank you Buffy."

I smiled into his chest and I knew he felt it.

"You're welcome."

And then we slept.

***
END Part 2/3
***

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