Touching Willow

Part One

It had been a pretty typical Friday, really. Fish sticks for
lunch, gross. Xander actually enjoying fish sticks for lunch,
even grosser. Willow and Xander not being friends anymore,
just plain depressing.

I hate what happened between those two. Mostly I feel bad
for Xander. Don't get me wrong, I think he was an idiot for
not realizing how perfect he and Willow are for each other a
long time ago, but he paid way too high a price. Willow got
Oz back, and I'm happy for her. They love each other, they're
good together. But poor Xander got shafted. For one thing
he lost Cordelia, which he seems to think is a big deal even
if I don't. I think it's mostly guilt over how badly she got hurt,
which I can understand. But much worse is the fact that he
lost Willow. They're not even friends anymore, not really.
They barely talk, and Willow won't spend any time with him
because she's afraid it'll make Oz suspicious. It just breaks
my heart. And I know it breaks his too, even if he does his
best not to show it. And I wish I could do something to
make it all better, but apparently Slayer powers are useless
in affairs of the heart. Which I already knew, come to think
of it.

But like I said, a pretty typical Friday. I ran into Giles after
my last period English class, where I aced the test thank you
very much, and we headed over to the library so I could kick
his ass. Or train, as he prefers to call it. We were just about to
the library when we saw Willow come barreling out the doors.
She went the other direction and apparently didn't even see us,
but I'd swear she was crying. I told Giles I'd be in in a minute
and went after her.

I got to the corner and saw her in Oz's arms, and the tears
seemed to be drying up so I figured I'd leave well enough
alone and headed back to the library. I'm pretty sure they
didn't even notice me, which was probably for the best.

When I got to the library Giles asked me if Willow was okay,
and all I could do was shrug and tell him she was with Oz. I
made a mental note to call her later on that night, then got down
to the business of beating the crap out of Giles. Sometimes I
love my job.

After about an hour, we were both tired enough to quit. Giles is
pretty tough, and our fights aren't nearly as one-sided as I make
them sound. So when he called a halt to the festivities I was more
than happy to oblige. We gathered our things and as we walked
out I told Giles I'd head home, grab some dinner and a shower
and then go on patrol. He offered me a ride, but I told him I'd
rather walk to cool down.

I'm glad I did, because I barely made it a block before I realized
I'd forgotten my chemistry notes. There was a test coming up and
I wanted to get at least a little bit of studying in over the weekend.
I was tempted to just leave it and cram Monday night, but it always
makes Mom happy when I study over the weekend so I figured it
was worth doubling back.

I've always thought the school was pretty spooky at night with
no one around. I know, I know, I'm the Slayer, facer-down of all
fears and bad things. And I didn't let it stop me, I'm just mentioning
it because that's probably why I was really timid and quiet coming
back into the library. I barely made a sound as I slowly walked over
to the table I'd left my notebooks on. The lights were out, but enough
of them stay on all the time that I could see fairly well. And of course
I could hear just fine.

When I heard something in the upper stacks I whirled towards the
sound, dropping into a fighting stance without even thinking about
it. But then I stopped and listened more carefully. It sounded like
someone was crying. I figured Willow must have come back after
Giles and I left so I raced up the stairs to find her.

I walked around one of the shelves and came to a dead halt. It was
Xander. He was leaning against one of the bookshelves, and he was
crying. I've never seen Xander cry before. It surprised me so much
that I just stood there for a few seconds.

He didn't even notice me at first, he had his eyes closed and he was
crying so hard. Then I must have moved or made a sound or something
because his eyes snapped open and he just froze. We stared at each
other for a second or two, then he quickly jerked his head away and
began scrubbing at his eyes with his sleeve.

I didn't know what to do. If it had been Willow, I would have rushed
over and grabbed her in a big hug. But Xander never liked anyone to
see him at a disadvantage and I knew he was embarassed that I'd
caught him. But I couldn't just leave.

"Xander? Are you okay?" It seemed like a safe enough question under
the circumstances.

He looked at me again. He looked right through me for a second, as
if I wasn't there. Then his eyes focused and he said something. A
greeting, I suppose, but I'm not sure. I was looking at his eyes, trying
to understand what I saw in them. There was pain there, of course, but
it was muted. He was beyond pain, I think. Or not beyond it, because
I'm sure he was hurting terribly. Beyond resisting the pain, maybe. I
think he accepted it, was resigned to it, and somehow that made it even
worse. It made me feel so bad for him that I almost missed it when he
started talking again.

"So what brings the Slayer up into the stacks on this fine picture of an
evening? Looking for a little light reading material?"

I knew he wanted me to joke with him, ignore the tears, let him salvage
his pride. I couldn't do that. Part of me wanted to. Part of me wanted
to turn around and walk away and pretend it had never happened,
pretend I'd never seen him there. But it was the part I don't like all that
much. The part I've let rule me far too often. I'm getting better though.
I think. I hope.

But I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to help him, but I didn't
know how. I never know how. The only thing I could think of was to
ask him.

"What's wrong, Xander?"

He brushed it off, like I knew he would. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong,
Buff. I'm fine, really." He flashed a smile, but it looked more grotesque
than cheerful and it certainly didn't reach his eyes. "I'm okay. I just want
to be left alone, that's all."

Again that part of me felt tempted, but it was much easier to ignore this
time. This was Xander. I moved over to where he was sitting and dropped
to the floor so I was sitting next to him. "I'm not going away until you let
me help you." Very softly. I had to make him believe me.

He didn't look at me for a long time, and I didn't say anything. Finally
he slumped, as if all the life had gone out of him. "It's Willow. She hates
me."

I wanted to cry myself at the pain in his voice. No one should ever have
to feel like that, not ever. But I knew he couldn't be right. Willow didn't
hate him. God, I hoped he wasn't right.

No! This was Willow we were talking about. And she wouldn't have
been crying earlier if she hated him. Would she? No. This was Willow
and Xander. Hatred didn't belong there.

"Xander, she doesn't hate you. She can't hate you. You're her Xander."
I said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to me it was.
Those two belong together, as best friends if not more, and if they weren't
together it meant the world just wasn't the place I needed it to be.

He looked like I'd just stabbed him through the heart and I wished desperately
that I could have taken the words back, even though I didn't know what I'd
said wrong.

"I'm not her Xander anymore, Buffy. And she's not my Willow. We've
been like strangers since we got caught. Since she went back to Oz and
started ignoring me." I thought he was going to start crying again, but he
closed his eyes and held his breath for a few seconds, and when he looked
at me again his eyes were free of tears. I could see them though, waiting to
come out again.

"But I thought we were getting better. She hasn't been
all over Oz when I'm around, like she knows she doesn't
have anything to prove anymore. And it was just us here
in the library for last period, and she smiled at me
instead of getting all nervous like she did for so long
after we got caught. She went and got lost on the computer
instead of talking to me, but I figured this is Willow,
she does that all the time anyways. So I thought we were
getting better. But then I had to go and fuck it up all
over again."

Again with the eyes closed and the holding the breath.
Again he kept the tears away for just a little longer.

"I forgot, that's all. She was sitting at the computer,
typing a mile a minute, and she asked me to bring her
her notebook so she could find a website. 'No problemo'
says I, and put down the stake I was whittling to bring
it over to her. She smiled to thank me and took it and
turned back to the computer and the sun caught her hair.
Have you ever noticed Willow's hair in the sun?" I shook
my head, not wanting to break his train of thought. "It
glows, it's just beautiful. That's the very first thing
I noticed about her when we were kids, before I even
knew her name. Her hair was just on fire in the sunlight.
So beautiful."

He trailed off and I was afraid he was done talking. I
was trying to figure out a way to get him started again
when he spoke, startling me.

"And I forgot. I reached out and took a bit of her hair
in my hand. I've done that a million times, Buff. Just
about every time I'm with Willow I end up playing with
her hair. She likes it as much as I do. Or she did. But
I forgot, I can't do that anymore." The tears finally
escaped and started rolling down his cheeks, but he
ignored them so I did too. "She jerked away from me
like I was a demon or something. Then she looked at
me like I was something even worse. I tried to apologize,
I did, I just forgot is all, but she wouldn't listen.
She screamed at me, told me never to touch her again
and ran out." He closed his eyes again and cradled
his head in his hands.

"I just wanted to die, Buff. I just wanted to crawl
into a hole and die. I saw you and Giles coming in but
I didn't want you to see me so I hid up here until you
left. I was gonna go home then, but I just didn't see
the point. I don't even think I have a home anymore.
Willow was always my home. That's when I started crying,
when I realized I could never go home again."

He looked up at me, and his eyes held nothing but pain.
"Never touch her again? It's like telling me not to
breathe. I can't not touch her. She's my Willow. I
have to touch her, Buff." He must have seen my thoughts
in my eyes, because he clarified himself quickly. "Not
like that. Well, yeah, I liked touching her when we
kissed and all, but that was nothing compared to just
touching her. Holding her hand when we're walking home.
Putting my arm around her shoulders in the hall between
classes. Playing with her hair. Hugging her just because
I feel like it. It's like sometimes I have to make sure
she's real, that she's still there. Something deep inside
of me always expected her to leave me, all these years.
To realize I don't deserve her and move on to people who
do. But she never did. She always stuck by me. Until now.
Until I forgot. Until I touched her." He was trying to
smile, hide the pain again, but he couldn't. I did the
only thing that seemed right. I moved over next to him
and pulled him into my arms.

He resisted at first, struggled, but I didn't let him go.
It felt good to know that my Slayer strength was good for
something besides violence. When he realized he couldn't
get away he stiffened in my arms, still resisting. I just
held on until finally he relaxed and leaned into me. He
wasn't crying anymore. We sat there for awhile, me holding
him, him letting himself be held. All I could think about
was how glad I was that I'd come back to the library to get
my notebook. And how glad I was that Xander was letting me
do this for him. He needed it so badly.

I'm pretty sure Xander was waiting me out, seeing if I
was going to leave him alone again. I wasn't. I wasn't
going anywhere. It took him awhile to believe that. When
he did, he started talking again. His voice was almost
back to normal now, but I didn't let it fool me.

"I never realized how many times I touched her every day.
And I never realized how little I touched anyone else."
His voice trailed off. I knew I had to keep him talking,
since I sure didn't know what to say. Holding him was about
the only thing I knew how to do. I was at a loss for what
to do next. I was really, really hoping I'd figure it out
on the fly, but I was afraid I was going to screw it up
royally, hurt Xander even more.

"What do you mean, how little you touch anyone else?" It
was as good a way to keep him talking as any, and I really
didn't understand what he meant. Two for two, yay Buffy.

He twisted in my arms to look at me and I could tell he
wasn't sure how much he wanted to tell me. My first instinct
was to glare at him, but I've learned my first instincts
aren't always the way to go. I just kept my arms around him
and looked back at him and did my best to let him know with
my eyes that he could tell me, that I wanted to know, that
I wanted to help. I tried to let him know how much he meant
to me, how much I cared, without saying a word. I was hoping
it would work, but I wasn't betting on it. I was never very
good at letting him know those things. At letting anyone know
those things.

We just sat there in silence for awhile, but I think I must
have gotten through to him. Or maybe he needed to talk even
more than he needed to hide the pain. He settled back down
and closed his eyes again before he started to speak.

"Sometimes I lay awake at night and try to remember the last
time I touched another human being. It used to be easy. Nine
times out of ten, it was Willow. But not anymore. Lately I've
been noticing every time I touch someone, or someone touches
me. It doesn't happen that often, and it's never Willow anymore.
Until I forgot, anyways." He paused to get his breathing under
control and I knew he was fighting back the tears again. I
just held him, letting him know it was okay.

"Today I touched six people. Coming into school this morning
I bumped up against some freshman I don't know. Third period
Marsha Silvestri dropped her pen, and her fingers touched mine
when I handed it back to her. Lunch lady Doris touched my hand
a bit when she was giving me my change. You kinda pushed me at
lunch when I said I like the fish sticks, and then later you hit
me when I made that crack about Angel. Giles gave me a very
British pat on the shoulder when he left Willow and me alone at
the start of our study hall. Then Willow's hair. And now you
again." He leaned further into me, and I shifted to accomodate
him. "It's not enough, Buffy. It's just not enough."

I jerked upright, started to pull my arms from around him.
I thought he was saying that's what he wanted. Like I said,
I've never been any good at this. He clutched at my hands,
holding them so I couldn't let go. I immediately stopped
moving, brought my arms back to where they were. After a
moment he relaxed against me again.

"That's not what I meant, Buffy. This right now is enough.
It's perfect. Thank you." I didn't say anything, I just
squeezed him a bit harder for a second. "But you can't
hold me like this forever."

"Yes I can. I'm not going anywhere, Xander." I meant it,
too. I was going to hold onto him until the end of time
if I had to. I'm not entirely sure how I expected to
manage that, but I've never been the planner of the group.

He chuckled a little bit, and underneath the pain was
real humor. It warmed my heart, but I knew we weren't
out of the woods yet.

"You have to let go sometime, Buff. Your mother's not
going to be too crazy about bringing your dinner down
here to the library, don't you think?"

I hadn't even thought about the fact that my mother
was expecting me home for dinner. But then I realized
he'd given me the solution. "You're coming home with
me tonight."

I looked up into his startled eyes. His first reaction,
of course, was to make a joke. "Um, it's not that I'm
not thrilled to be propositioned by a Slayer, Buff."
I saw something behind his eyes then, a different sort
of pain, but I couldn't identify it before he moved on.
"But what's your mom going to think if I just drop in
for dinner at the last minute?"

Okay, now I knew he was grasping at straws. "Xander, my
mother loves having you over for dinner and you know it.
Now come on." I got up but he stayed on the floor, so I
reached down and grabbed his hand. "C'mere, you." Once
again I was thankful for my strength, because he did not
want to get up. A willful Slayer will not be denied, however,
and a few seconds later he was standing next to me. I made
sure not to let go of his hand for even a second. So he wouldn't
run away, and so he wouldn't be alone.

He tried, of course. I'd have been surprised if he hadn't.
"Buff, it's okay. I'm okay now. You helped a lot, thank
you, but I'm just going to go home now." He was doing his
best to get his hand out of mine, but nothing doing. I
held on until he realized it wasn't going to happen.
Then he just stopped completely, no movement at all.

I looked at him and waited until he met my eyes. "You
are going home, Xander. My home. You know you're welcome
anytime." It was a statement but also a question, and I
breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded just a little
bit. "I don't want you to be alone right now, Xander.
You don't want that either, do you?"

He didn't answer for awhile. He just stood there, straight
and tense. The only time Xander has good posture is when
he's nervous about something. We just stood together,
hand in hand, until finally he relaxed and nodded his
head. "No. I don't want to be alone." His voice was so
soft it was barely a whisper, but I heard, and inside
I smiled. Getting Xander to admit he needs something is
like pulling teeth, but it's worth it. I knew he wouldn't
fight me anymore.

That settled, I immediately went into high gear. I pulled
Xander down the stairs to the table with my books on it
and thrust them into his stomach, pushing a small 'oof!'
out of him. "Since you're coming to dinner the least you
can do is carry my books for me."

That won me another real smile, and I started to think
that maybe I knew what I was doing after all. We walked
out of the library together, still holding hands, and
I could tell he was starting to relax just a little bit.

I knew there was a lot still of work to be done, but
for the first time I thought I was up to the challenge.

***
END PART 1/3
***

Go on to Part Two

NOTES: Buffy's lack of confidence in her ability to help
and care for her friends is something that just worked
itself into the story. I didn't set out to put it in,
but there it is. I think it works for her - she's very
confident about her abilities as a Slayer, but the
interpersonal stuff still scares her. Please note that
it's only her own opinion of her friendship abiliites
that rates her as lacking - as far as I'm concerned,
she's a helluva good friend and is doing exactly what
Xander needs instinctively, no matter how badly she
thinks she's doing. I hope that comes through in my
writing.

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