Our Day Has Come
Part One
I looked into Xander's eyes.
They're so expressive. They
told me all I needed to know. All I ever wanted to know.
He licked his lips and all
I could think was 'I wanna do
that!' And then I realized I was about to get my chance.
He leaned in towards me, his
lips tugging up into a smile.
But his eyes were serious, not joking. Full of love. All
kinds of love, and all for me.
Then his lips met mine and
I couldn't think any more. Xander
was kissing me, and all was right with the world.
|
*** |
I guess I should start a little
earlier than that, huh?
It had started about a week
before. Or maybe three or
four years before, but we'll say a week so I don't feel
like too much of an idiot. I'd been moping, of course.
I'd been doing that a lot since Riley broke up with me.
It wasn't so much losing Riley.
I care about him, and
I enjoyed being with him, but it was nothing compared
to losing Angel. Actually, that was part of the problem.
Riley leaving brought back all my feelings from when
Angel left, and I felt guilty for thinking about Angel
when I should have only been thinking about Riley. I
liked Riley, dammit. Maybe I even loved him, I don't
know. But I understood why he had to leave. I cried
though. Some for him, for us, but mostly for me. First
Angel left, then Riley, and it hurt so much.
It took me so long to get over
Angel. Not that I'm totally
over him even now, of course. There's a part of me that
will always be in love with him. And for so long he's all
I thought about, missing him was all I did. But it hurt
too much. Not just him being gone. It hurt when he was here
too. Every day we were together hurt the both of us. Every
day we were apart hurt in a different way. Love's not supposed
to hurt like that, it really isn't. I couldn't hurt like that
anymore.
Finally I had to let go of
my feelings for Angel and get
on with my life. I was already seeing Riley at that point,
which was unfair to him but there you go. After that though
I threw myself into being with him. At last I had a normal
guy, a guy I could be with without hurting either of us.
But then he left. Not because there was anything wrong with
me, I believed him when he said that. But he had to leave.
And I started thinking that maybe I'll never get it right.
Maybe I'll never really be in love with someone.
It's hard enough for normal
people, after all. Finding
the right person, making it work, keeping it going.
But I'm the Slayer. On top of everything else I'm out
there fighting the good fight every single night. And
let's not even get into the fact that I'm going to die
young some dark night, when I'm just a bit too slow.
All I've ever wanted is someone
I can love who will love me
back, without it hurting either one of us. Now maybe I'm
selfish, but I don't think that's too much to ask. But after
Riley left it sure seemed like it was. Riley and Angel were
both in on the secret. They were both out there fighting with
me, so the biggest problem wasn't a problem with them.
But it still didn't work out
with either one of them.
And that's okay, I guess, but it sure didn't make me
all that hopeful about being happy with anyone else.
So I was moping, and crying, and generally depressing
the hell out of everyone around me. Will, Xander, Mom,
Giles, Dawn, Tara, they were all hit pretty hard by my attitude.
Oh, they were trying to help, and they were doing a great
job. They were so supportive, doing everything they could
think of, and I found myself hoping over and over that
they knew just how much I loved them for it. But nothing
they could do made any difference, no matter how much I
wanted it to, and I knew that depressed them. I knew it
hurt them.
Especially Xander, I think.
He's always taken it hard
when someone he cares about gets hurt. And he'd barely
had time to get over Anya leaving before Mopey-Buffy
descended on him and the rest of the gang like a ton
of bricks. My feelings about Riley leaving must have
brought his own pain back, but he never let it show.
I never truly understood what
he saw in Anya, but she
helped us more than once and she was good for him so
I'm glad they parted as friends. She wanted to see the
world, he didn't want to leave Sunnydale, that's all
there was to it. He told us he was okay with it, but
he's Xander. He always hides his pain. This time I
think he was hiding it where even Willow couldn't find
it.
So, I was feeling bad for myself,
and hoping like hell
that I wasn't hurting Xander, when it hit me. I'd love
to say there were bells and whistles and a light shining
down from above, or that the earth moved and the cherubs
descended to whisper into my ear or a cartoon light bulb
appeared over my head, or something else suitably impressive
and romantic. But that didn't happen. It was more like
suddenly I just knew. Suddenly it was the most natural
thing in the world. The thought popped into my head like
it had been there forever.
<*Xander. I need to be with Xander.*>
You understand I didn't mean
"be with" in a "get together,
have a few laughs in a just friends way." I meant I
needed to be with Xander in all the ways that phrase
can be taken. I wanted to hold him and be held, I wanted
to love him and be loved, and I wanted to kiss him and
be kissed.
Right then I was sort of focused
on the kissing part,
if you must know. Some of the things Will says about
him.... But then I realized what I'd just thought. I
wanted Xander to love me. Because I loved him.
It floored me. I mean, I've
known for a long time that
I love Xander. Of course I love him. He's a great guy
and a great friend and I've always loved him the same
way I love Willow or Giles. And that's the way I loved
him now, but there was more in there too. Friend-love
and smoochie-love and happily-ever-after-love all mixed
together into a big heap. A big, wonderful Xander-shaped
heap.
But me and Xander? Xander and me? Together? That just
wasn't the way it worked. But if it was wrong, why did
it all of a sudden feel so right?
I sat there and thought about
it for a long, long time.
I thought about everything Xander has ever done for me.
Every time he's saved my life, every time he's backed
me up in a fight, every time he's come on patrol with
me, every time he's risked his life to help me just
so I don't have to do it alone. And I thought about
every time he's let me bounce my romantic woes off of
him, every time he's given me a shoulder to cry on,
every time he's made me laugh even though I didn't want
to, every time he's let me know that I'll never be alone.
I sat there and thought about
everything Xander has ever
done for me, and let me tell you it took a hell of a long
time to go through the list. And when I was done I realized
that I hadn't thought about Riley or Angel or being alone
the whole time. Because I hadn't been alone, I'd been with
Xander, even though he was nowhere in sight. He was always
with me, he had been for years and I'd never noticed. Or
I'd noticed and taken it for granted, really. I didn't want
to take Xander for granted anymore. I wanted him to know how
much I cared about him, and I was hoping and praying that he
cared about me the same way.
So no bells, no heavenly hosts,
no shining light. Just the
knowledge that I wanted to be with Xander. That I needed to
be with Xander. That me and Xander were meant to be together.
***
End 1/?
***
Go on to Part Two
NOTES: For some reason, a lot
of people don't seem to
like Buffy and Xander getting together. Those people
probably shouldn't read the rest of this story.
Nyah.
Also, the background is pink
in honor of Mr. Gordo.
I need help, I really do.