TITLE: Matchmaker 4/6
AUTHOR: Lesley-Ann (I have no life - and I've lost the plot in this one)
DEDICATION: First off, to all the people who sent feedback - you have made me
into a co-dependent emotionally needy and greedy person. But you still rock.
And secondly, for Xandman 2000 - cause 1) without his suggestion, this would
be a Spike-free fic, 2) he understands the importance of leather in a Xander
context.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing 'Buffy...'. Joss Whedon owns it all. I also own nothing
from the sitcom I'm ripping off.
SUMMARY: Um...wacky fun as Dawn and Xander matchmake for Buffy. Marvel as Buffy
hits it off with felons, Gasp as Dawn schemes in and out of trouble, Smile as
a very special love-connection is made. In other words, Buffy's agreed to a
date with Xander.
FEEDBACK: All comments, criticisms and suggestions appreciated, and possibly
acted upon. Cause I'm in a two-mood. And I'm emotionally greedy. Needy. Lifeless.
****************************************
Dawn paced anxiously outside Buffy’s room. In spite of all her efforts, D-Date was still on. Hard as it was to believe – she was running out of options.
“Come on Buffy,” she said with false bravado, “If you come out now, I can give you my honest, unbiased opinion on the dress – and you’ll still have time to return it. And call off the date,” she added in a quiet voice.
Silence.
Dawn tried again. “Buffy,” she whined, “I really don’t think you should go. I feel sick.”
Finally the door opened. Buffy leaned out and felt Dawn’s forehead.
“You don’t have a temperature,” she said suspiciously.
“Well I ache all over,” Dawn moaned pitifully.
Buffy grinned. “So do I. That’s why I’m going on this date.”
Dawn’s face twisted in disgust. “That’s gross.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “I’m joking. It’s one date Dawn, one.” She held up an index finger to prove her statement. “We probably won’t ever go out again.”
“Then why are you bothering?”
“Just a little something I like to call ‘restoring
my faith in mankind’. Now scat – I have to get ready.”
****************************************
The doorbell rang. Dawn darted a venomous glance at
it and turned up the TV.
A longer ring followed. And another. Finally Buffy stomped out of her room, gave Dawn a Mr. Pointy look, and flung open the door.
There was an awkward silence as Xander and Buffy stared at each other. Finally Xander unfroze.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” Buffy replied, concentrating on the floor.
Xander looked nonplussed. “What next?” he whispered.
Buffy considered. “This is usually the point where you compliment me, convincing me that going out with you isn’t a mistake.”
There was a long pause.
She sighed. “Buffy, you look stunning,” she prompted.
“Buffy, you look stunning,” he said obediently.
“You’re not just saying that?” she asked softly.
“No, I’m just repeating it.”
“Let’s just get this over with,” she groaned, grabbing his hand and heading out the door.
She poked her head back in at Dawn. “Sure you’ll be all right on your own?” she asked.
“NO”, Dawn said quickly. “I’m scared of the dark. I-I take sweets from strangers. I play with matches!”
“Good,” Buffy said, not listening. The door closed.
Dawn slumped down in her seat.
****************************************
Dawn stared listlessly at the TV. Her ears pricked up at the sound of the back-door, but her spirits fell when she saw that it was only Spike. He strode into the room, stood in front of the TV and said loudly:
“Y’really shouldn’t leave that back-door unlatched.”
He looked around for Buffy, congratulating himself. *That’s it – show concern for her safety. She liked it when Soul-Boy did that.*
“I mean,” he continued, peering distractedly into corners, “Any idiot could just walk in.”
“Any idiot just did,” Dawn shot back. “Spike, what do you want?” she asked, gesturing for him to move. He ignored it.
“Where’s Buffy?”
“Out on a date with Xander,” she said bitterly.
“Oh – you mean the crossbow carrying kind of date, right?” he arched his eyebrows meaningfully.
“No, I mean the sit in a nice restaurant and flirt kind of date,” she said sulkily.
“I get it, I get it,” he tapped the side of his nose with his finger. “Don’t worry, I can play dumb.”
“Play dumb?” she said incredulously. “Spike, you could manage the team!”
“Hang on here,” he said worriedly. “You’re saying the Slayer and Harris have gone out on a…date? A date-date?”
She clapped exaggeratedly. Spike sank down next to her, looking crestfallen.
“But that’s – that’s not fair!”
He caught Dawn’s look. “Which coming from a creature of the night, might sound a bit…NO – it’s still NOT FAIR.”
He continued wildly. “Why did I break her and Dull up? Was it so that Duller could reap the benefits? I THINK NOT!”
He rocketed up from the sofa. “I won’t let it happen, not if I can help it. And I can. I can heal my unlife!”
Dawn was looking wild-eyed at the quivering Spike.
“Now where did they go?” he demanded, remembering her presence.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Buffy wouldn’t tell me.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he decided. “I’ll find them anyway. Even if I have to search every restaurant in Sunnydale. All the both of them. Yeah.”
He made for the door.
“Spike?” Dawn called timidly.
“What?” he asked impatiently.
“Did you really do that? Break Buffy and Riley up?”
“Yeah.”
“And you didn’t stop – not once, to consider Riley’s feelings. Or Buffy’s?”
“Nope?” he offered uncertainly.
“Well what do you have to say for yourself?” she commanded sternly.
“Damn I’m good?”
****************************************
“You’re sure it’s okay?” Xander asked again. “If I’d known bodywork guy brought you here I’d never…”
“I’m sure,” Buffy interrupted. “Once the same thing doesn’t happen again.”
“I was trying to impress you. I thought this would do it,” he said, looking sadly around the restaurant.
“You wanted to buy my admiration?” Buffy asked. “That’s so sweet.”
They smiled at each other. The awkwardness had started to wear off. In no time they were deep in conversation and didn’t even notice the peroxide-blonde vampire arguing at the reservation desk.
“Smith, party of 4,” the man announced into the small microphone. He then turned to Spike.
“I’m sorry sir, but without a reservation, there’s nothing we can do.”
Spike craned his neck to get a glance at Table 5. Buffy and Xander were smiling intimately at one another.
“Look,” he said urgently. “You have to help me…Picture this – guy meets girl, girl bugs guy, guy teams up with girl to prevent ultimate destruction of humanity, girl indirectly breaks up guy’s relationship…for want of something to do, guy develops slight thing for girl. Long story short…guy may never get to shag girl unless he gatecrashes her date.”
“How poetic,” the announcer said dryly. He gave a cautious look around and whispered, “Listen – I am sympathetic to your plight.”
“Really?”
“And,” he continued, “I might be persuaded to let you get past me…while my back is turned, you understand.”
“Bloody fantastic,” said a joyful Spike, rubbing his hands together. “Cheers, you’re a real mate…why haven’t you turned your back?”
“Unfortunately…”
Spike deflated.
“We have a rather strict dress-code. Black tie only.”
Spike took deep breaths in and out. He was beginning to get a pounding pain in his head – and he was only imagining the tortures he wanted to perform on this man.
“Of course…”
“Of course…?” he ground out through clenched teeth.
“I could always sell you mine,” the man looked deeply thoughtful.
“Yeah, yeah, how much,” Spike asked impatiently, taking out his wallet and casting anxious glances at Table 5.
“$75.”
“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! That’s a lot of money!”
“I know. That’s why I want it, sir.”
****************************************
Two minutes later, equipped with an ugly tie, Spike was in break-up mode. He strolled casually past Buffy and Xander, turned around, and performed an exaggerated double take.
“Well, I never,” he said, pulling over an extra chair and sitting down between them. “Imagine – fancy meeting you two here!”
“What are you doing here Spike?” Buffy asked coldly.
Spike ignored her. “But – what’s this? Say, the two of you aren’t…?” He made complicated hand motions.
“Aren’t what?” Xander asked.
“Nah,” he said, laughing heartily.
“Aren’t what?” Buffy asked with an edge to her voice.
“It’s just too ridiculous,” he sniggered.
“What is?”
“You two – on a date. You’re not, are you?”
Their silence seemed to stun him. He pulled his chair in closer to the table and said hurriedly, “I hope you’re not serious. You can’t be”
“Why not?” Xander asked in confusion.
Buffy nudged him under the table. “How many times do I have to tell you not to encourage him?”
“Well, let’s face it – the two of you, well you’re a joke. No offence.”
“I mean – let’s start with you,” he continued, laying a hand on Buffy’s shoulder. Which she shrugged off. “For starters, he snores like a freight train.”
“Hey!”
“You’re a beautiful, young, nubile…sorry, lost the run of myself there…anyway – why would you want to waste your time with him?” he gestured at Xander.
“And, as for you,” he said, turning to Xander. “have you heard the latest ad campaigns?” he smirked. “Join the undead, kill, main, destroy, shag the Slayer? Join the army, be all you can be, shag Buffy Summers? The navy are looking for a few good men who have not shagged Buffy Summers!”
In the brief pause that followed, Spike realised that he might have gone too far. He backtracked hastily.
“Now I’m not knocking Buffy” –
“Oh really? What would you call this? A testimonial?” she asked sarcastically, arms crossed. Suddenly, she leaned across to Spike.
“You may have had a point with some of those. And that’s why we’re going to keep that deep dark little secret of yours – just between us.”
She smiled and nudged Xander. They got up and swiftly walked towards the exit as Spike tried to puzzle this out.
“Hey, what deep dark secret?” he asked, baffled.
The next thing he heard was Buffy’s voice over the microphone.
“Ladies and Gentlemen – I have an announcement. The guy at Table 5 is impotent. Bon appetit.”
He stared in amazement as they gave him a cheery wave, and walked out. Then he became aware of all the eyes focusing interestedly on him.
“She just means I can’t kill people. I can have sex!” he shouted. “WOMEN!” he exclaimed angrily.
A sad-looking waiter stopped. “I think we both need a hug.”
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