TITLE: Matchmaker 3/6
AUTHOR: Lesley-Ann (hoping to God she hasn't lost the plot)
DEDICATION: All the nice people who took the time to feedback. Much appreciated.
DISCLAIMER:I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Joss Whedon does.
SUMMARY: Wackiness and mayhem as Dawn and Xander matchmake for Buffy.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please. If you don't mind.
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“You didn’t like any of them?” Dawn
asked in disbelief. “You are picky.”
“They came in answer to an ad that said I would do anything for five bucks. It would have been scary of I had liked any of them,” Buffy said sharply, still not over the day’s events.
“I thought that guy in the green shirt was okay. I bet if you called him and apologised he’d accept. I don’t think you should dismiss him just ‘cause he cleans his ears with his car keys.”
The cup Buffy was holding shattered in her hands. “Dawn. I want you to listen to me. Carefully. Are you listening?”
She nodded reluctantly.
“Good. Read my lips – I am perfectly capable of attracting a cute, normal guy, who worships the ground I walk on.”
“Are you going to take this seriously or not?”, Dawn asked in outrage.
****************************************
“I told you I didn’t want to be involved with this,” Xander whined.
“How come I’m involved?”
“Because you just can’t resist me?” Dawn asked hopefully.
“Because I’m weak-willed and susceptible to bad influences, like Snyder said. Oh God.”
“Anyway,” she said composedly, “I needed someone who knows how to drive.”
“Correction. You need someone who knows how to crash.”
“Same difference.”
“This isn’t gonna work,” Xander said flatly.
“Don’t be so negative,” she scolded. “Cordelia swears by it. All we have to do is keep the gorgeous guy in the convertible in sight, then – at the traffic lights, gently bump him. He jumps out, we talk, he asks for the name of someone who does good bodywork – we give him Buffy’s number. And Buffy’s equipped with cute and rich. Lethal combination. How could it fail?”
“How ‘bout, cause the dork in the duster just cut in front of us?”
Some fancy manoeuvring later, and they were once more directly behind cute-and-rich. Then came the moment of truth…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I think that went kinda well, don’t you?” he asked breathlessly.
“I don’t think the airbags were supposed to deploy,” she replied shakily.
****************************************
“SNAP!” Dawn yelled triumphantly. She flourished the cards.
Xander glanced at the kitchen clock. “I can’t believe Buffy’s not back yet. I guess she must be having a good time.”
For some reason he didn’t sound too enthused.
“Or he’s drugged her and sold her into
white slavery.” Dawn shrugged. “Either way, I’m glad she’s
out of the house.”
****************************************
“I sure am glad that guy gave me the wrong number,” Harold said. The Teacher’s Assistant (déjà vu or what?) escorted Buffy to their table.
“Oh, I am too,” Buffy said hurriedly. And she was…even if it was for slightly different reasons.
*That oughta show Dawn* she thought smugly. She replayed the look on Dawn’s face as she peeped through the curtains at Buffy’s date. Some people might have mistaken the look for satisfaction, pride even. But Buffy knew better.
She glanced around the restaurant from her seat. “Wow, this place is really something. Do you come here often?”
“A humble TA like me? No,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I don’t get out much. I’m so normal I’m dull.” He laughed a little.
Before Buffy had a chance to reply, a woman sitting opposite turned to face them.
“Aaron,” she said scornfully. “So this is where you take your cheap floozies.”
Buffy stared in amazement as she continued.
“You disgust me. We’re through!” she threw her napkin into his lap and stormed out.
“Who was that?” Buffy hissed.
“My sister,” he said, composed. “Shall we order?”
Buffy bent over her menu, unsure of what to think. A small groan made her look up. Her eyes widened as she took in the heavily-pregnant woman standing next to Harold.
“Harry, you don’t answer my calls, you’re never at home, I know you’re avoiding me. What can I do to get you to talk to me? I’ll do anything” she implored, stroking her stomach.
She turned to face Buffy. “If you want, I’ll even dye my hair that colour.”
“Hey!” Buffy interrupted weakly.
Harold stood up. “Jessica – it’s over. I’ve told you before. And by the way – I haven’t graded those final exams yet…” he tilted his head meaningfully. Without another word she glided from the restaurant.
“So, have you decided what you’re having?” he asked carelessly.
“Waitaminute – WHO was that?” Buffy asked firmly.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Okay, so I’ve had one or two bad experiences in the past – I hope you’re not going to hold it against me. Now where’s our waiter?”
Important questions raced through Buffy’s mind. They ranged from – Is it possible to fatally wound someone with a soup spoon?, to – Would a woman judge be more lenient?
But before she had a chance to answer these, the waiter arrived at the table.
“Well well well Max – we just swing the way the wind blows, don’t we?” he said, looking at Buffy.
“Joe,” –
The waiter held up his hand. “NO! I won’t listen! After the way you’ve treated me, you deserve to die a slow tortuous death…Call me!” He rushed back to the kitchens, looking suspiciously tearful.
“Poker buddy,” Harold offered.
“I know what you must be thinking,” he said, observing her white-knuckled grip on the spoon. “But you’re wrong. I, Harold Aaron McConnick, am a regular guy.”
“Robson Broder?”
“Yes?” he answered, turning around to face two security guards.
“Your days as the freeway flasher are over!”
As he was man-handled from the restaurant, he yelled, “I can explain – I’m allowed one call…”
Buffy sat stunned at the table. “MEN!” she exclaimed angrily.
“I think we both need a hug,” Joe said woefully.
****************************************
Xander and Dawn both reached for the last cookie, but Xander was distracted by the sound of the door opening.
Dawn crammed the biscuit into her mouth, and looked up interestedly as Buffy came slowly into the kitchen.
“Guys – I’m gonna ask you something. And I want you to think long and hard before you answer...” She bit her lip.
“Am I ugly?”
“Yes,” Dawn replied at the speed of light.
Buffy glanced at her. “I’ve always thought of myself
as reasonably attractive. Can it be that I’ve totally deluded myself?”
“Yes!” Dawn chipped in quickly.
“Is it possible that only freaks and deviants want to
date me?”
“Ye – Ouch,” Dawn began, then looked under the table. “Watch
your feet!”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Buffy said in disbelief, “But I have totally lost my sex appeal.”
She dazedly walked out of the kitchen.
“They’re always the last to know,” Dawn waved her hand carelessly.
Xander looked worriedly after Buffy.
“Dawn, stay here,” he said, following her.
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Xander peered into Buffy’s room.
“Knock, knock,” he said softly.
Buffy rolled over on the bed. “Come in,” she sighed.
“That bad?” he asked, closing the door.
She nodded.
“He’s not worth it,” Xander offered.
“I’m not moping about him. I’m moping about me.”
“You?”
“I’ve come to a realisation. It’s not them, it’s me.” She paused for a second. “Well, it’s mostly them, but partly me.”
She stared at the ceiling. “Why deny it? I attract these weirdos.”
“Buffy, that’s not true,” Xander said awkwardly.
“Really? Then how do you explain this past week?” she asked despairingly. “Even if we don’t count that dumb ad, I’ve met up with a whole host of…I don’t even know if there’s a word for them. If it has nothing to do with me, then how come I ended up going out with them?”
Xander thought guiltily of the matchmaker and huge dent in his car. He cleared his throat to confess, but chickened out.
“I just wanted normal, y’know?” Buffy went on, not seeming to notice. “I wanted for once to go on a date, and have a normal time. Where you talk and laugh…and the next-day phone call is actually an option. I’m not saying it’d last, but even for one date…it’d be nice.”
She picked sadly at her pillow.
“Buffy,” Xander asked suddenly “Go out with me.”
“Xander,” she smiled disbelievingly.
“I mean it. You want normal – I’ll give you normal.”
“Xander…” she smiled again, a little less sure.
“To have an average date – you have to start small, start with what you know.” He gestured to himself.
Her smiled faded. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
He nodded. “So what do you say?”
“Give me a minute?” she asked. She walked swiftly to the door and pushed it out.
“OW!!”
“A splinter in the ear is painful Dawn,” Buffy warned. She stood silently for a minute, looking curiously at Xander.
Finally she said, “What the hell – okay.”
There was a muffled shriek from behind the door. She sighed.
“I’ll deal with it,” Xander said quickly.
****************************************
Dawn was sitting primly at the kitchen table, as though she hadn’t even
left it.
“Dawn?” Xander asked tentatively.
No answer.
“Dawn…I’m going on a date with Buffy…”
“So I heard.”
“Is that okay – what are you doing?! Dawn, that’s the oven.”
“I know,” came the echoey voice from inside it. “I want this to be painless.”
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