TITLE: Matchmaker 2/6
AUTHOR: Lesley (hasn't an original thought in her head) Ann.
DEDICATION: Ronan 'When you sing nothing at all' Keating.
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon & the diverse peoples and companies who own Buffy
the Vampire Slayer have one thing in common - they are not me. I should also
disclaim (is that a word?) the sitcom whose plot I have ripped off. Can't remember
the name of the sitcom, but I don't own it.
SUMMARY: Wackiness and mayhem ensue when Dawn attempts to fix buffy up with
a guy - any guy. Wow - that was painless. Oh and Anya and Xander broke up, and
Buffy's in the mope-over-Riley stage.
FEEDBACK: Feedback is a good motivator. A nice thing. A 'Pay it Forward' if
you will. Please?
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A blood-curdling scream came from the Summers’ house –
followed by a sickening silence. Xander winced.
“Wow!” Dawn exclaimed. “Did you see that? He just sliced her head off – just like that. Ffffffssssssstttttttt,” she demonstrated.
“Yeah,” Xander said absent-mindedly.
“Isn’t it great – just us, a couple of horror movies, a Buffyless zone,” she said happily.
“Ummm,” he vaguely agreed.
She glanced at him, then at the bowl of popcorn. “Okay, there’s way too much popcorn left for you to be enjoying B-movie night. What’s wrong?”
“I’m not…I don’t know if we should have fixed Buffy up with that guy. I mean, he’s technically a felon.”
Dawn sighed. “You forgot the all-important word ‘reformed’.”
“This is a guy the Sunnydale police arrested. What if things get dangerous?”
“For who? Him, or Buffy?”
Xander considered. “Good point.”
They both stared at the closing credits.
“What else do we have?” Xander asked, making an effort.
“’Carrie’?” she offered.
“That the one where a young woman exerts a bloody revenge on those who ‘done her wrong’?”
She looked at the back of the box. “Yup.”
“No thanks.”
“Oh come on. I bet she won’t even realise.”
****************************************
Buffy and Colin stopped outside the house.
“I had a really good time tonight,” he smiled.
“Me too,” Buffy said enthusiastically. “I mean, I gotta admit, I was a little nervous. I never go out on blind dates – but Dawn was so insistent, and you did help her with the groceries, and you seemed so nice when you came to the door. Like nice, with a side order of nice.”
“They don’t call them correctional facilities for nothing,” Colin said darkly.
She laughed. “And a sense of humour!”
“If you say so…” he said, sounding a little confused.
“This is so great. I never meet nice. Nice is unknown in the Buffy-world.”
“Until now?” he asked.
“Until now,” she agreed. “So, to be all millennium girl about it – when can I see you again? Thursday?”
“Not Thursday,” he said quickly.
“Oh. Are you busy then?” Buffy asked, startled by his change in tone.
“I have a court hearing.”
“…Okay – either you’ve stretched the joke too far a la Jim Carrey…or you’re not joking,” she said slowly.
“I swear I didn’t do it. I don’t know how those documents got into my bag – I had no intention of using them. I swear to you!” Colin said passionately.
She stared at him.
“Look Buffy, I feel we have something here – something special. I’d like to keep seeing you.”
“Oh, I’d… like that too,” she choked out, “But unfortunately, starting Friday, I’ll be serving a ten year sentence in the Sunnydale Women’s Prison.”
Colin shook his head in admiration. “Really?” he sounded interested. “They used to come to our dances! What are you in for?”
“Murder,” Buffy said grimly, struggling with the lock.
“All I can say is, you’re gonna meet some great gals.”
****************************************
Xander and Dawn started as they heard the door slam.
“So how did it go?” Dawn called out.
There was an ominous clatter.
“Well, now that Buffy’s back, I guess I shouldgetgoing,” Xander said hurriedly, slipping toward the back door.
One relieved door-closing later and Buffy strode into the room.
“Hi Buffy,” Dawn said cheerily.
“Say goodbye, freak of nature!”
“Have a good time?”
“Do I sound like I had a good time?”
She shrugged. “How should I know? You’re always like this.”
“You fixed me up with a criminal,” she said heavily. “You FIXED me UP with a CRIMINAL!”
“White-collar!” Dawn protested. “That’s practically a step up for you!”
Buffy clenched and unclenched her fists. “Whatever is going on – whatever it is, I want it to stop. Now. Understood?” she asked in a dangerously quiet voice.
Dawn nodded meekly.
“Good.” Buffy started up the stairs, then paused,
hand at her throat. “I had a necklace on when I went out…”
****************************************
“We have to move the plan up a gear – agreed?”
“Huh?”
Dawn sighed. “The professional matchmaker didn’t work – right?”
“Right!” Xander said fervently.
“And you know why she didn’t work?”
“Because she takes credit for having introduced Bonnie to Clyde?”
“No. Because she didn’t have a solution for what is essentially a Scooby problem. Do you know the only people who can solve a Scooby problem?”
“………………I’m scared.”
“That’s right! Scoobies! Like you and me.”
“I don’t know if this is such a good idea,” Xander hesitated.
“It’ll be easy. We know Buffy. Her quirks, foibles, weirdnesses. We know what we’re working with – and how to disguise it.”
There was a silence. In the voice of someone who should know better, but…Xander said, “So what do we do?”
Dawn pulled a notepad towards her. “Advertise.”
****************************************
After a few hours they had a personals ad all worked out.
“Wow, you almost make her sound cool,” Dawn said admiringly.
“I’m a man of many talents,” he grinned back.
“We can send it tomorrow.”
After Xander had gone, Dawn looked at their ad. She wrote it out neatly, and put it in an addressed envelope. She paused for a moment and then began scribbling furiously in the notebook.
****************************************
“Is it there?” he asked eagerly, as Dawn flipped through the newspaper.
“It should be – I mean you handed it in yesterday, right?”
“Sure – took it off the table like you told me.”
“I love a guy who can follow instructions,” she sighed, gazing devotedly at Xander.
“So, is it there.”
“Yup. Here it – eeep,” there was a small dismayed sound, and then she snapped the paper shut.
“What is it?”
“I bet no one really reads the personals. I bet no one even replies,” she jabbered in panic.
“What?” he asked, grabbing the paper from her. There was a small tussle, which for the sake of his manhood, Xander was relieved to win.
He flicked to the personals page. His eyes widened as he read.
“Well, we’re dead,” he said with calm finality.
“Maybe we’re not,” Dawn said hopelessly. “Maybe it’ll be okay.”
“How did this even happen?!” he yelped.
“I-when you were gone, I just-I thought I might advertise for work. Two birds, one stone kind of thing.” She wrung her hands.
“What were you thinking?!” he asked, clunking his head down on the table.
“I thought-babysitting maybe.”
“Doom. Dooooooooommmmmmmmm.” He rocked his head back and forward. “Death. I wonder if it’ll be painful.”
“It’s not that bad,” she comforted. “Maybe no-one will answer, and Buffy won’t kill us.”
He looked up abruptly. “We’ve just put an ad in the personals saying that Buffy will do anything for five dollars an hour. How could this end except in our deaths?”
****************************************
The door opened. “Hey guys,” Buffy sailed in.
Xander shot up. “Buffy! Here – so close!” he exchanged a glance with Dawn.
“Oh – 2 dead in accident,” Buffy said, looking closely at Xander.
“What?!”
“You have headline on your face. Here,” she licked her thumb and rubbed it across his forehead.
“Eeeew, that’s gross,” Dawn objected. “Cats may do that, but it doesn’t mean that humans don’t know better.”
Buffy glared and might have said something – except for the fact that the doorbell rang.
“Don’t answer it Buffy! You don’t know who’s behind the door,” he begged.
“Yeah!”
She gave them a strange look. “Are you two okay? It’s probably Willow. She and Tara are coming over.”
“But what if it isn’t Willow!” Xander said. “What if it’s evil!”
“Evil,” she said, deadpan. “Evil – knocking on the Slayer’s door. In broad daylight.”
“It could be evil,” he insisted lamely.
“Or the mailman,” Dawn muttered quietly behind him.
“I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. You two have issues.”
She opened the door. “Can I help you?” she asked the badly dressed man outside.
He pushed his way in. “I’m here about the ad.”
“The ad?” Buffy asked in confusion. “I don’t know about any ad. There must be some mistake.”
“Are you Buffy?”
“Yes. How did you..."
“Great. Here’s $5. Let’s get started.”
“Hold on there tiger,” Buffy said firmly, pushing away the money.
His face settled into an expression of bliss. “Call me that again,” he implored.
She hastily stepped backwards. Dawn and Xander were frozen in horror.
“What’s this about an ad?” she asked sharply.
“The ad. In the paper…those are fabulous shoes,” he said, staring at her feet with a fixated expression.
“Oh…um…thank you,” she said warily, unsure of where this was going.
“They must be quite painful.”
“Actually, they’re pretty comfortable,” she replied, relaxing.
“Oh, I don’t mean for you – I meant…for anyone you stepped on.” He leered.
“Listen buddy, how would you like me to kick your ass right across the street?” she said warningly, fists raised.
“Oh…Oh God – here’s $10!…I - OW!”
She slammed the door shut, and turned around to face two guilty faces.
“What did he mean – ad?” she asked.
“He’s crazy?” Dawn stammered hopefully.
Buffy snatched the paper, which Xander had been trying to unobtrusively destroy. Unfortunately, he hadn’t had time to eat much of it.
“…………..” Buffy opened and closed her mouth. She tried again. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!”
“Told you,” Xander hissed.
There was a knock at the door. They all looked suspiciously at it.
“You,” Buffy slapped him across the chest with the paper. “You, open it. And if anyone asks – you’re Buffy.”
Xander cautiously opened the door a crack. “Willow,” he sighed with relief.
She squeezed in, Tara behind her.
“Will, I’m so glad you’re here,” Buffy exhaled. “I need you to help me fix this problem.”
“Sure Buffy, anything,” Willow said looking around uneasily. “Um… Buffy? Why is there a bus full of Greek sailors in your drive?”
“No!” Buffy whispered in horror
“And how many drachma are in five dollars?” Tara piped up. She looked at Willow. “What? I promised I’d ask.”
****************************************
“Come on, you didn’t think any of it was fun?” Xander asked.
“No,” she said in a not-to-be-trifled-with-voice.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Not even that cute nickname they had for you?”
Buffy stopped dead. “Shore-leave?!” she asked incredulously.
“I thought it had a certain… I’ll shut up now.”
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