TITLE: Matchmaker 1/6
AUTHOR: Lesley (hasn't an original thought in her head) Ann.
DEDICATION: Ronan 'When you sing nothing at all' Keating.
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon & the diverse peoples and companies who own Buffy
the Vampire Slayer have one thing in common - they are not me. I should also
disclaim (is that a word?) the sitcom whose plot I have ripped off. Can't remember
the name of the sitcom, but I don't own it.
SUMMARY: Wackiness and mayhem ensue when Dawn attempts to fix buffy up with
a guy - any guy. Wow - that was painless. Oh and Anya and Xander broke up, and
Buffy's in the mope-over-Riley stage.
FEEDBACK: Feedback is a good motivator. A nice thing. A 'Pay it Forward' if
you will. Please?
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“Run it by me one more time?” Xander asked. “The abbreviated
version.”
Dawn sighed in frustration. “Buffy needs a guy.”
“Okay, longer version it is.”
She ran her hands through her hair. “With Riley, Buffy was happy. At least at the start. Granted it was nauseating, but since Riley, all she does is mope and patrol and shout and make my life a living hell. Ergo, she needs a boyfriend.”
“Dawn, it’s sweet of you to care, but if I know Buffy, she’ll get over this one. It might take some time, but she will get over it,” Xander said encouragingly.
She flopped onto her bed. “I can’t wait that long. Besides, it’s more serious than that.”
She held Xander’s gaze. “What do you think of a girl who cries herself to sleep every Saturday night because she’s bored and lonely?”
“Buffy does that?” he asked worriedly.
“No, I do that. If Buffy had a boyfriend, I might be able to, y’know, have some fun. Get a life.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think she’d be too pleased if you said any of this to her.”
“That’s why we’re not gonna say anything to her. We’re just gonna fix her up without telling her.”
“Which brings me to the ‘we’ part of the business,” Xander said nervously. “I happen to like my features the way they are.”
“Me too,” Dawn said dreamily. She shook herself. “I need help on this. I’ve hired a matchmaker, and I have to fill in this questionnaire. But Buffy won’t tell me some of the answers. As it is she’s suspicious…she’s being all big sister and giving advice on handling boys. Like she can talk,” she finished darkly.
“And is there someone in Dawn’s life?” Xander teased. “A secret someone who Dawn wants to fill those lonely Saturday nights?”
“No,” she muttered, eyes averted.
“Huh. I wonder…could there be another reason for the sudden sisterly concern? A…ooof!”
“Grow up!” she threw a pillow at him, but her face softened when he emerged from behind it. “And there’s another reason. We’d be able to spend some time together, the two of us. It’d be like it used to be. Before college – before Anya,” she emphasised.
Xander’s grin suddenly dropped. “Yeah, well.”
“It’d be good for you. A way to get over her. A post-Anya hobby/trade.”
“I just” –
“Unless you don’t want to. Hang out with me that is. And help Buffy.” She looked away from him.
Xander sighed. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it. Just that we shouldn’t.”
Dawn bounced on the bed excitedly. “This is gonna be a snap. Xander and Dawn, tag team extraordinaire… what could go wrong?”
“Remember that time we tried to make jam?”
“Isolated incident. Anyway, here are the questions you have to ask Buffy.” She handed him a list with a flourish.
Something that had been niggling at Xander finally managed to attract his attention.
“You hired a what?”
****************************************
“So, Buffy, speaking hypothetically, if a guy wanted to ask you out”
– Dawn began.
“Why is that hypothetical?” Buffy interrupted.
“Check your calendar, then get back to me,” Dawn sniped. “Anyway, if a guy wanted to ask you out, which would you consider most important – looks, sense of humour, or conversational skill.”
“That’s easy,” Buffy smiled, “Sense of humour.”
“If you’re not going to be honest, there’s no point in answering my questions.”
Buffy looked insulted. “I am being honest. I like a guy with a sense of humour.”
“Oh yeah, I’d forgotten what a barrel of laughs Angel was. And that great collection of knock-knock jokes Riley had.”
“Okay, okay,” Buffy put up her hands in surrender. “Then I’d have to go with…conversational whatsit…WHAT?” she asked as Dawn shook her head slightly.
“I mightn’t have gone out with Brood-boy, or with Bland-boy, but as far as I could see, one never shut up about redemption and guilt, and why you guys could never be together, and the other never shut up about principles and the duty of man to protect damsels from demons.”
“FINE!” Buffy stormed. “You want to see me as a shallow airhead – FINE. But I’m not.” She flounced out of the room.
“Denial is a powerful thing,” Dawn said quietly.
“A) it is.” She crossed off a question with satisfaction.
****************************************
“So, Buffy,” Dawn chirped, sitting next to her on the couch, “If
you liked a guy…and he liked you – which of the following could you
live with? A) Body odour, b) schizophrenia, c) extra toes.”
“Dawn!”
“What?” she asked innocently.
“I couldn’t live with any of those!”
“Oh come on. You’ve dated dead – how much worse could a couple of extra digits be?”
“Dawn!…” Buffy paused. “What’s this about? Is there something you want to tell me about this guy you like? If you told me, instead of hinting – maybe I could help.”
“For the last time – there’s no guy!” she yelled.
“Uh-huh,” Buffy said sceptically.
“There isn’t. And even if there were, which there isn’t, I wouldn’t ask _you _ for advice.”
****************************************
Xander shifted uncomfortably. Why did Dawn have to leave him all the tough questions?
How could he slip a question like that (he glanced at the list
again), into conversation?
“Thanks, I needed to get out of the house. Since Riley…I’ve been doing the whole sit-and-pine thing.”
Xander looked worriedly at her. “Are you okay?”
“I will be,” she gave him a small smile. “Anyway,” she laughed, “Dawn’s got a mystery-crush, and she keeps asking me for boy-advice. In a roundabout way.”
“Speaking of… um,” Xander swallowed, it was
now or
never.
“Whathasbeenyourmostsatisfyingsexualexperiencetodate?”
He cautiously opened one eye. To his surprise Buffy looked like she was actually thinking about it.
“Well, it’s kinda hard to judge isn’t it,” she said finally. “I mean, there’s so much to take into account – degree of difficulty, style, whether the guy landed on both feet after the dismount…whydoyouwanttoknow?” she asked suddenly.
“Just wondering,” Xander quickly clarified.
They sat in awkward silence.
“What do you mean, ‘dismount’?”
****************************************
“I’m sorry, but I think a criminal record does matter,” Xander
argued.
“That halves her chances,” Dawn claimed. “And let’s face it, with the track record she has… she probably doesn’t want normal.”
“So what do we do next?” he asked, as Dawn dropped the questionnaire through the matchmaker’s mailbox.
She shrugged. “We wait for Ms. Feeney to contact us.”
“And when she does?”
“We trick Buffy into going on a date with the guy.”
“Oh.”
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