Knight In Shining Armor
Part One
<Just do it,> I told myself. <Just go in there and do it. You know you want to. You have to. Please? For me?>
That did it. Being reduced to begging myself was enough to get me over the horrible fear and uncertainty. The gaping pit of dread that had replaced my stomach was still there, but a girl can't have everything, right? I knocked on the door of Xander's apartment.
I knew he was home, but I was still shocked when he opened the door. For a second, my brain shut down, but then the part of me that insisted I go through with this once and for all kicked in, and I knew I could do it.
Then Xander smiled at me, and I completely lost my resolve.
"Hey, Will," he said. "How be things with you?"
His voice
seemed a little off, but I wasn't listening closely enough to tell why. My brain
was frozen again, fixating on his smile.
<If you tell him and this doesn't work out, you'll never see that smile again. Can you risk that? Can you?>
I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had to be Xander's friend, even if I couldn't be more. "I'm, uh, fine," I said, trying to sound cheerful and normal while my heart was breaking all over again inside my chest. "Can I come in?"
It was past dusk, so instead of saying yes, Xander just stood back from the door to give me room. I marched in and turned to look at him. He was still smiling, but like his voice, it seemed wrong somehow.
"Come on in to the living room," he said, and led the way. When we got there, I saw that things were obviously set up for a movie night. Popcorn on the coffee table, cheesy chips on the couch within easy reach. There was nothing to drink, but I knew from experience that Xander would leave the drinks in the fridge until the last minute to keep them cold.
<Anya,> I realized. <He's going to watch movies with Anya.>
They'd been getting better, back to being friends. I knew Xander was happy with the way things were going with her. He'd told me he was hoping they could give it another go. It looked like Anya wanted that, too, or at least that she wasn't violently opposed to the idea. I didn't like the fact that she was still a demon, but I wasn't in any position to be casting stones, when you got right down to it.
<What right do I have to break them up? What right do I have to feel this way at all?> My distress must have showed on my face.
"Will," Xander asked softly, concern in his eyes. "You all right? Are you having the dreams again? Is that it?" His voice became even softer, more caring.
The dreams. I still had them sometimes, though not as often as the months right after Tara's death. God, Tara. Xander had been so good since she died. He'd been there for me every morning that I couldn't get out of bed, and every night that I couldn't get to sleep. Buffy and Dawn and Giles and even Anya had been huge helps, too, but mostly it was Xander who got me through it. And now I was going to do my best to ruin his chance for happiness with Anya.
Could I do that to them? To him? Could I tell Xander how I felt on the off chance that he loved me?
<He does love me,> I assured myself. <You know he does. He always has, and he always will. The question is, is having him love you as a friend enough?>
God help me, it wasn't. Having Xander as a friend was wonderful. His friendship and love had saved me. Had saved the whole world *from* me. But it wasn't enough anymore. I had to at least try for more. I had to know if he could love me the way I now realized I loved him. Had always loved him. Would always love him.
<And if he says no?>
Then he said no. I would deal with that heartbreak when it came. The one thing I could count on was that Xander would still be my friend, no matter what. If that was all I could have from him, I'd have to make it be enough. Somehow.
I realized I'd been standing there thinking for too long without answering Xander's question. He was starting to look really worried. I smiled at him to try and reassure him. It wasn't much of a smile - shaky, uncertain, afraid - but it was the best I could muster.
"I'm okay," I said, and Xander relaxed a little bit. He was still worried, though. "I have something to tell you," I went on, before he could interrupt with a question.
"Okay," he said warily. "Shoot."
I shook my head. "Not like this. Sit down, okay?"
He just stood there for a second, then shrugged and sat down on the couch. I started pacing on the other side of the coffee table, trying to find the words.
"Will, please tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."
I stopped and looked at him. He was definitely scared for me. I felt horrible, putting him through this. But I had to know. Tonight.
"Don't worry, Xander. Really. I'm okay. I'm just... worried. About how you'll take what I'm about to tell you."
Now he seemed offended. "You can tell me anything you need to, Will. You know that."
I nodded. "I do. I do know that. But this is different. But I'm going to tell you anyway." That seemed to mollify him, and I went on. "First, though, you have to promise me something. Promise me you won't interrupt me. This is going to be hard enough as it is. Promise me you won't ask me any questions or say anything until I tell you it's okay."
He wanted to start asking questions already, I could tell, but instead he just nodded solemnly. "I promise, Will. Anything for you."
<Oh, I hope you really mean that, Xander.>
Aloud, I said, "Okay, first of all, I'm sorry to come over and ruin your night with Anya like this. I really am, but this can't wait any longer."
"Anya?" Xander asked in confusion. "Oh," he began, but I cut him off.
"Please, Xander," I pleaded, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I can't do this if you talk. I can't!"
He started to get up, probably to comfort me, but I backed away and held my hand up. I tried to put on a Resolve Face, but I doubt it was very convincing. It did the job, though, because he sat down and held his hands out towards me, making those little calm down motions he always does when I start to lose control.
"Okay, okay!" he promised. "No more talking. I'll tell you later." He was definitely scared now. I could see it in his eyes.
"Thank you," I whispered, wiping at my own eyes. "And it's okay, Xander, it really is. Or I hope it will be, anyway." I started to go on, to tell him, but then a horrible thought occurred to me. "Anya!" I blurted. "Is she coming over right now?" That was all I needed.
Xander started to speak, then closed his mouth and just shook his head slowly.
I giggled a little bit. Hysteria, more than anything else. "Okay. We have a few minutes, at least?"
He nodded. My laughing seemed to calm him down, but he was still worried.
"Okay," I said again, more to myself than to him. I had to say it. I turned to face him and took a deep breath and just said it.
"I'm in love with you."
Xander just stared at me. Not exactly the reaction I'd been hoping for, but at least he didn't laugh. I waited a few seconds for his expression to change, but it stayed the same. Stunned incomprehension.
Naturally, I started to babble.
"It's a surprise, I know," I told him. "For me, too, believe me. Well, not really, since it's been building up for a long time now. But at first I thought it was just a reaction to Tara dying, and to the way you helped me through it."
Xander blinked. I decided to take that as a good sign, and continued my yammering.
"You were perfect, Xander. Still are. I never would've gotten through it if you hadn't been there. Well, I mean, even assuming I hadn't tried to, you know, blow up the world and everything, even if I'd just gone nuts in a halfway normal fashion, you were the only thing that made me sane again. You're the only reason I can think about her without bawling my eyes out. You're the only reason I can even think about falling in love again."
Xander blinked again, and his mouth opened. I wasn't sure if he was actually going to speak or not, but I hurried on to interrupt him.
"I know what you're going to say. It's only been a year. How can I be over Tara? I'm not over her, Xander. I never will be. I love her now, just like I did when she was alive. But I love you, too, the same way I love Tara. I can't explain it, but it's true. I love you. I love you so much."
Xander shifted in his seat. He was definitely about to say something this time. His eyes were confused, and his hand came up as if to underscore what he was going to say. I gestured to him to be quiet. I had to make him understand.
"No talking. Please? I have to get this all out. And to answer what I assume was your question, yes, I really love you. This isn't just a crush because of how much you helped me. How much you still help me. I understand why you might think it's just a crush. You're my best friend, and I used to be crazy about you, and you were there for me when I needed you after Tara died. Me falling for you now is like a cliche or something. You're like the knight in shining armor who rode in to rescue me from all the bad things. Or who rode in to rescue the whole world from the bad things I tried to do, for that matter. You've always been my knight, really. That's how I've always thought of you, in case you didn't know. You've always been there for me, no matter what. I think that's why I fell in love with you in the first place, all those years ago."
I smiled, remembering the way things used to be. Then I shook my head to clear it and went on. "And that's why I fell in love with you again. But it's not just a school-girl crush this time. It isn't. This is the real thing, Xander, I swear to you. I really love you. For all sorts of reasons. I love you because you hold me when I need to cry. I love you because you give me space when I need to be alone. I love you because you always make sure Tara's grave is clean, just like you do with Joyce's. You thought I didn't know that, but I do, and I love you for it. I love you because you help Dawn with her homework, even though you never did your own. I love you because you make Buffy laugh until milk shoots out of her nose. I love you because you help all of us. Because you're the best person I know, and you've been part of me since I was five years old. Most of all I love you because I'm Willow and you're Xander, and it just seems like the two of us loving each other is the way things are supposed to be. I love you because I can't not love you, not even if I try, and I don't want to try."
I stopped and caught my breath. Xander stayed silent, which had to be a bad sign. His eyes were still full of confusion, which was even worse. My heart plummeted.
"Okay," I said shakily, looking away from his eyes. I suddenly found the hem of my shirt extremely interesting. I started to twist it as I went on. "Obviously, you weren't ready to hear that. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry for loving you, but I'm sorry to dump it all on you like this. No," I went on, sensing he was about to speak, "don't say anything. It's okay. I hope it'll be okay, at least. Promise me something, though, Xander. Promise me two things." I looked up into his eyes again.
Our eyes locked for what felt like forever, then he nodded. I sighed in relief.
"Promise me we'll make this okay," I pleaded. "And promise me you won't call me until tomorrow. I'm going to leave now, and we both need to think about this before we talk about it. So promise me that you won't call until tomorrow, and promise me that we'll still be friends after we talk about it. Can you promise me that?"
He thought about it for all of two seconds, though it seemed like an eternity. "I promise, Will. Yeah, I need to think about this, but I promise we'll always be friends, no matter what."
I closed my eyes against the pain. It was obvious he didn't
feel the same way I did. I turned and ran for the door. Xander didn't even get
up to see me out.
*****
By the time I got back to the house, I'd managed to force myself into an optimistic mood. Xander had just been surprised, that was all. He'd think about it and he'd realize I was right. He'd realize we belonged together. I didn't believe a word of it, but making myself think that way kept me from crying.
"Hello?" I called out. "Anyone home?"
No answer. I walked into the kitchen and found the expected note on the refrigerator. Buffy had taken Dawn out to dinner and a movie, that new one with Hugh Jackman and Jack Black. They wouldn't be home until late.
"Fine," I said too cheerfully. "I'll be fine alone. I could use some alone time. Like I told Xander, I should think about this."
<Right,> my inner voice replied. <You need to think about this some more. Because lord knows, you haven't spent every waking moment thinking about it for the past few months.>
"Shut up," I told myself as I started to fix dinner.
I don't even remember what I had. I don't remember much of anything about that night. All I remember doing is lying on my bed in the dark, trying very hard not to think about Xander. Trying very hard not to think about how I'd feel if he broke my heart. When he broke my heart.
The night passed very slowly. I didn't come out of my room when I heard Buffy and Dawn get home. They must've thought I was either already asleep or staying with my parents or Xander, because they didn't come in to say goodnight. That was fine by me.
It wasn't until five minutes past midnight that I started to cry. It took me a while to understand why, but then it hit me.
Xander hadn't called. I know it's stupid, but some part of me, the little girl inside of me that had always loved Xander, had expected him to call at exactly 12:01, as soon as it was officially tomorrow, to tell me he loved me, too. To give me the fairy tale ending where we lived happily ever after. But he hadn't called. Because he didn't love me the way I needed him to.
<So much for my knight in shining armor,> I thought as I cried myself to sleep.
*****