Feels Like Family
It was a nice night. The weather, I mean, it was nice
outside. Clear, pretty warm for November. Nice. The
rest of the night, the party and all, that was more
than nice. It was amazing. The way they stood up for
me at the store, the way they treated me at the party.
It's like Buffy said, I was family. That's how they
treated me, like family. It felt so good. Overwhelming,
even. That's why I ducked outside, it was too much, I
had to be alone for a second. Well, I thought I was
alone anyway.
"Hey, you."
I almost jumped out of my skin, and whirled around
so fast I nearly lost my balance. "Oh, Xander. Wow,
you scared me."
He flashed that goofy grin Willow loves so much.
"Sorry 'bout that." He wasn't sorry, not a bit.
He's incorrigible.
I gave him my best glare, but it didn't go any
good. He's been glared at by Giles and Buffy,
nothing I could come up with was going to make
a dent. Ah well. "What's up?"
He gestured back into the Bronze. "I have been
deputized to see if everything's all right."
"Deputized?" I smiled. "Do you have a silver badge?"
He paused to think about that, and smiled again.
"That'd be pretty cool, I'm holding out for one
of those next time. But no, no badge. I was worried
when I saw you slip out, so I asked Will, and she
said to come check on you. So here I be."
"Why didn't Willow come out herself?" Not that
I wasn't happy to see Xander, but me leaving my
own party is the kind of thing that should've
brought her running. She's a worrier, my Willow.
He chuckled, conceding the point. "Two reasons,
really. First of all, she and Dawn are beating
the pants off Giles and Buffy at the pool table,
and she didn't want to miss that. And she figured
you'd think she was smothering you if she came
out herself." He leaned in close and whispered
conspiratorially in my ear. "I wasn't supposed
to tell you that part. Will'll kill me."
I giggled and gave him a wink. "I won't tell.
The secret is safe with me."
He smiled, but got serious quickly. "Secrets.
They can mess you up. You know that, right?"
I was scared for a second, but then he looked
at me, and his eyes were kind. Still, I had to
take a few extra seconds to reply, to make sure
I didn't stutter. "I know. I'm sorry, Xander."
It felt ridiculous to say that, seeing as how
I'd almost gotten everyone killed. 'I'm sorry'
just didn't seem like enough.
Xander looked confused for a moment, then laughed.
"That's not what I was talking about. Hell, if we
got mad every time a spell went wrong or shouldn't
have been cast, we'd never get any work done around
here. Did I ever tell you about the love spell I
messed up on Valentine's Day a few years back?"
I shook my head. Willow had never mentioned that
either. It sounded interesting.
He blew his breath out in a rueful chuckle. "Oy vey,
as Will's grandmother would say. What a mess. Ask
Will why she was nibbling on my ear wearing nothing
but one of my shirts sometime. Should be worth it
just to see how red she gets."
I'm sure my eyes were as wide as dinner plates.
"She did that?"
He nodded. "Ayep. Not my finest hour. Of course,
Will's had her share of messed up spells herself.
I'm still not sure what the hell she did to my
action figures last summer. And let's not even get
into that whole 'my will be done' mess." He shook
his head and turned to look me in the eye. "But
that's not the point. The point is secrets. We
keep 'em because we don't want anyone to find out,
because we don't want anyone to get hurt. Right?"
I nodded. "Well, to quote a great American squirrel,
that trick never works. They always come out, and
the longer it takes the more it hurts."
I looked down at the ground, unable to meet his
eyes. "I'm sorry."
He laughed softly, and I looked up into his smile.
"Would you stop apologizing already? It's okay.
Really. It's you I'm worried about." He paused.
"I've... I've got some experience with the whole
bad family thing. Will might've mentioned that."
I nodded. "She, um, she never gave me any details
or anything." I waited for his nod before continuing.
"But yeah, I knew a little bit anyway. She was so
happy when you moved into your new apartment, Xander."
She was so happy he got out of that house. That's how
I knew it must've been much worse than she'd hinted at.
He smiled. "Yeah, she was, wasn't she? I think she
was happier than Anya, even." He thought for a second.
"She's the only thing that got me through, Tara. My
whole life, she's been there for me. You can tell
her anything, anything at all. She'll be there for
you. You need to know that, she'll always be there
for you."
I almost wanted to cry at the love in his voice.
"I know. I do."
"Okay then. But there's things you're not going to
want to tell her." I jumped a bit. It was like he'd
read my mind. There really were things I couldn't
see myself telling even Willow. He smiled sadly at
my reaction. "I've been there too. If you're not
ready to tell her, she'll be okay with that. And
she won't hold it against you, not ever."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "There are... yeah,
there are things I don't think I can tell her, not
yet at least. That's really okay?"
He nodded. "It's okay, she'll understand." He laughed.
"But it's not going to work, you should know that."
"What do you mean?"
"She'll know. There's nothing she doesn't know about
the people she loves, Tara. Even if you tell her
something she doesn't know, couldn't possibly know,
it'll turn out she knew it all along."
I thought about that. "That doesn't make any sense,
Xander."
He nodded happily. "Yep. That's our Willow for you
though. She's one of a kind." His eyes lost focus
for a minute, and I knew he was thinking about her.
Then he shook himself and came back. "Sorry. Anyway,
to reiterate, it's okay if you can't tell her some
things yet." He paused and looked at me, almost shyly.
"But if there's anything you really need to talk about,
I'm here for you too. It might be easier, depending on
what you need to get out. I might be able to help."
I reached over and pulled him into a hug. "You already
have, Xander. And thank you, I'll keep that in mind."
When I'd finished talking I started to pull away, but
he held on to me so I stopped and we just stood there
with our arms around each other for a while. It felt
good. It felt like family.
Finally I looked up into his eyes. He smiled down at
me and I knew what I had to say. "Willow loves you a
whole lot, you know."
His grin could've lit up the whole state. "I know.
She loves you a whole lot too."
I nodded, and I'm sure my smile was just as big as
his. "I know. It's pretty cool, huh?"
"Yes indeed." He pulled away from me, but took my
hand in his to lead me back towards the Bronze. "We
should get back inside before Will sends out a search
party."
We walked for a few seconds before I said, very softly,
"Thank you, Xander. For everything."
He squeezed my hand. "You're welcome. Hey, could I
interest you in a dance with the Xand-man?"
I did my best to look frightened. "I don't know,
Xander, I'm not sure my insurance is paid up."
He laughed. "Oh, sure, every witch is a comedian these
days. Well, you don't have the option of saying no.
That's one of the rules in the ole Scooby Gang - pretty
lady members have to dance with Xander."
I blushed a bit at that. "Well, if it's a rule, I guess
so. I mean, I wouldn't want to break the rules or anything."
"Good thing too, 'cause the punishment for breaking the
Xander-Dance rule is that you have to dance with me twice."
He looked over at me and did his Groucho eyebrows routine.
I laughed and let him pull me back into the Bronze. Back
to my family.
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