Addrilanne
Part Four
Summary: A test of the bonds of love.
Rating: PG-13 for swearing and full frontal nudity. Pity it's not illustrated.
Timeline: Fifth Season, before things went completely to hell.
Spoilers: None, I don't think.
Dedication: To Jen, Dot, Vic and Meg, and anyone else who wants to see
Xander nekkid.
***
Xander turned to look at Addrilanne. "I don't get it," he said. "What am I supposed to do?"
Her friendly smile had disappeared. She looked at him, and there was no emotion at all on her face or in her eyes.
"Choose," she ordered sternly. "Choose which woman you love the most."
Xander simply stared at her for a moment before he could find his voice.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded angrily.
"This is your Test, Xander," Addrilanne informed him. "You love all three women. You must choose which love is the strongest."
"No!" Xander said. "I won't choose between them."
"You know the cost of failure," Addrilanne warned him darkly.
Xander looked at her, confused. "You're going to kill me?"
"Only if you fail to choose."
Xander shook his head in disbelief, then turned and looked at the images of Anya, Willow and Buffy again. He studied them for a long time. Finally, he turned back to Addrilanne and shook his head.
"No. I can't choose."
"You have to," she told him, and her voice was almost kind. "You have to make a choice, Xander. It's part of the binding D'Hoffryn laid on me. Take your time, but you have to choose. It's the act of choosing that's important. It doesn't matter which of them you pick. It won't change anything. No one but you and I will ever know."
Xander didn't say a word. He turned away from Addrilanne and faced the portals again, concentrating on Anya's image.
She looked even more distressed than she had just a few minutes earlier. As he watched, she started pacing in front of the portal, but her worried eyes never turned away from it.
Xander watched her, and he loved her, and he remembered.
******
They were dying. All of them. They were screaming for help and they were dying, but there was nothing he could do. He was helpless. He couldn't move and he couldn't help them and they were dying. "No!" he begged, jerking upright in bed. "Please, no!" he sobbed, looking around the room wildly.
Before he could get his bearings, Anya's arms were around him. "I'm here, Xander," she whispered, as he collapsed into her embrace. "I'm here."
She held him until he stopped crying, and his breathing evened out, and he got the shakes under control. She didn't say anything else. She didn't have to. She held him. That was enough.
"I love you," he said, when he could speak again. His voice was a harsh whisper, but he knew she understood.
"I love you," Anya replied, and held him even tighter. "What was it?"
Xander sighed. "You were all dead. You, and Willow, and Buffy, and Giles, and Tara, and Joyce and Dawn. I tried to save you, but I couldn't. You were all dead. I couldn't save you."
"It was just a dream. A nightmare."
"I know," he said. "But it felt real."
She nodded against his shoulder. "It wasn't. I'm okay, and so are they."
"I know," Xander said again. "I know."
"Do you want to call them?" Anya asked.
He looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. "No," he said, reluctantly. "It was just a dream. They're okay. We shouldn't wake them up. It was just a dream."
"Are you sure?" Anya pressed. "We can call."
"No," he said firmly, shaking his head but wishing he could call. He sighed again. "I'm going to get some water. Do you want anything?"
"No, thank you," she said, and watched him as he walked towards the kitchen.
He got a drink of water, and splashed some cold water on his face. Then he stood and stared at the phone for a long while. No, he decided. He couldn't.
When he walked back into the bedroom, Anya was just hanging up the phone.
"They're okay," she said. "I called everyone. Willow, and Tara, and Buffy, and Joyce, and Dawn and Giles. they're all okay."
Xander lay down next to her, and she turned off the light and took him into her arms.
"We shouldn't have woken them up," he protested weakly.
"That's not what they said," Anya answered softly.
And then she held him until he fell asleep.
******
Xander smiled at Anya's image, then sobered as he remembered where he was. He turned to look at the portal that showed Willow.
She had given up on reading the spellbook, and was poking around in the pile of ingredients Angie and Linda had used. The look on her face told Xander that she didn't expect to find anything useful, but she was determined to be doing something.
Xander watched her, and he loved her, and he remembered.
******
He was late for school that day. His mother had taken him to the doctor and then dropped him off just in time for lunch. But he didn't have any lunch. She'd forgotten to make it.
Willow found him sitting at their usual table in the cafeteria. "Hi, Xander!" she chirped, as she took a seat. "I thought you were out sick today. Why didn't you...?"
Her question died in her throat as Xander raised his head to look at her. He had a huge bruise on his cheek, and several stitches on his forehead, near his hairline. But his eyes were the worst. They were full of pain and confusion and shame.
Willow had seen him like this before, bruises and anguish both, but never this bad. "Xander?" she asked. "What happened?"
Xander just looked at her for a long time, then said, "I fell and hit my head." He could see that Willow knew he was lying. She didn't push him, though. She never pushed him. He wondered if she knew how much he appreciated that.
"Okay," she said softly, giving up yet again. "What do you have for lunch?" she asked, to change the subject and hopefully cheer him up.
She was dismayed when he turned his head away and closed his eyes, trying to hide the tears. She didn't understand at first, but then she knew.
"It's okay," she said, after a moment. "We can share." She emptied out her lunch bag on the table. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Red Delicious apple. Small ziploc bag of pretzel sticks. Small plastic container of chocolate pudding, with a plastic spoon. Motts apple juice box.
Xander sat motionless while she laid out their meal. He sat there and he stared at the food and he willed himself not to cry.
Willow ripped the sandwich into two pieces and handed him the bigger one. "It's crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jelly. I know you like grape better, but..."
"Thanks," he said, cutting her off. He looked down at the sandwich in his hand, then raised his head to look Willow in the eyes. "Thanks," he said again.
"You're welcome," she told him with a shy smile. "Do you want some pretzels?"
He nodded, and Willow pushed the bag over to him, then inserted the plastic straw into the juice box. She took a sip, then put the juice in between herself and Xander. Finally, she moved the pudding off to the side. "After," she said sternly, and her eyes lit up at the small smile that took over Xander's face.
"After," he promised. The smile vanished, and he looked down at the table. He still hadn't taken a bite of the sandwich he held in his hand.
Willow reached over to take his free hand in hers. She laced her fingers through his, then took a big bite of her sandwich.
Xander looked at his hand in hers for a long time. Then he turned his eyes to the food, and they ate their lunch.
Together.
******
This time, Xander's smile stayed with him, even after he came back to reality. Without looking at Addrilanne, he turned to watch Buffy.
She was sitting on the bed next to Linda now, watching Anya pace. Every few seconds, her eyes were drawn to the portal, and Xander could see the disappointment and fear she felt when he failed to step out of it.
Xander watched her, and he loved her, and he remembered.
"And where will Mr. Gordo be residing, Buff?" Xander asked, holding up the stuffed pig.
"Ooh," she answered. "I'll take him."
Xander handed him over and watched as Buffy carefully placed him on her bed, up near her pillows.
"I think that's everything," Willow announced, from over where she and Oz had been arranging Buffy's CDs. "And Buffy, can I borrow these?" she asked, holding up a few.
"Absolutely," Buffy said. "Mi CDs son tu CDs."
"Thanks!" Willow said, then looked to Oz. "We should probably get going, huh?" The short guitarist merely nodded. Willow turned back to Buffy and Xander.
"Okay, we're gonna go. You okay, Buffy?"
"Fine and dandy, Will. Thanks, you guys."
"No sweat," Willow said. "Bye, Buffy. Bye, Xander." Oz smiled with her as they both walked out the door.
"I should probably get me gone, too, Buff," Xander said. "I mean, it's not like I have a job or anything, but you've had a long day, and you should get to bed, huh?" He looked away from her as he spoke, trying not to think about having to go back to his basement.
"I'm not bed-bound just yet," Buffy said. "I'd rather not be here when Kathy gets back from the library. I liked your story about my stuff disappearing being a practical joke, but I'm not sure how crazy she is to be rooming with me right now. I want to be scarce until after she's asleep. Walk with me?" she asked, holding out her hand.
"Sure," Xander replied softly, taking her hand in his as they left the room.
Neither of them said anything as they walked out of the dorm. Buffy started walking along the path through the quad, and Xander let her pull him along. Finally, she stopped at a stone wall and sat down. Xander sat down beside her, wondering when she was going to let go of his hand.
She didn't. Instead, she focused her eyes on his as she spoke.
"Thank you, Xander."
"For what?" he asked, confused.
Buffy laughed softly in disbelief.
"Well, she said, "for starters, how about for risking your life to help me tonight?" Xander started to reply, but she cut him off. "I know. No thanks necessary. Well, I think they are. For what you said at the Bronze, too."
"Buff," Xander began, looking down at his shoes.
"No," Buffy cut him off again. "No, Xander, you're not getting out of a thank-you for that. It meant a lot to me, what you said. And it was just what I needed to hear right then. You're good at that, you know - saying what I need to hear. You're also good at saying things that mean a lot to me."
"You're a good friend, Xander," she went on, putting her hand under his chin and forcing his head up until he looked her in the eyes. "A great friend. One of the best friends anyone has ever had. Because you're there for me when I need you, and because you risk your life to help me, and because you tell dumb jokes to make me laugh, and for a whole lot of other reasons. And I love you for it, for all of those reasons. So thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being you."
Xander blushed, but didn't take his eyes off of hers, even when she let go of his chin. "No thanks necessary, Buff. Everything I do for you, you do for me. Except the dumb jokes, I guess. But everything else? Yeah. If I'm a great friend, it's only because I've got friends like you who make it easy."
Buffy considered that for a moment, then nodded and moved to rest her head against his shoulder.
"Like I said, Xander, you sure know how to say things that mean a lot to me."
"All part of the service, ma'am," he told her, putting his arm around her shoulders and resting his head on hers. "I also do windows."
"I'll keep that in mind," Buffy said, smiling into the night. She slipped her arm around his waist and squeezed him against her.
They sat that way for a long time. Holding each other and being held.
******
Xander turned away from the portals and smiled at Addrilanne.
"Have you made your choice?" she asked."Nope," he informed her, his smile never wavering.
"Xander," she said, allowing exasperation to tinge her voice, "you have to choose."
"No," he said firmly, "I don't."
"If you don't choose, you'll die."
"Kill me, then. I won't choose."
"Please, Xander," Addrilanne said. "I don't want to have to do this. Just pick one. It'll just be between us. They'll never know who you chose."
"I'd know," Xander said softly. "And I won't choose."
Addrilanne's smile lit up the room.
"Good for you," she said. "Good for you. Let's get the hell out of here." She turned and walked through the portal.
Xander stared after her in shock for a moment, then slowly followed her.
He emerged in the tapestry room. Addrilanne stood in front of him, still beaming.
"Okay," Xander said, "for the benefit of those of us in the slow class - what the hell just happened?"
"You chose," Addrilanne said simply.
"I never!" Xander declared indignantly, drawing a laugh out of her.
"You did," she insisted. "You decided you'd rather die than pick one that you loved more than the others. That was definitely a conscious choice on your part."
Xander started to say something, then slowly closed his mouth and regarded her.
"Pretty sneaky," he said.
Addrilanne bowed her head humbly.
"So there was no wrong choice?" Xander asked.
"Not a one," she informed him. "At least, not as long as you really believed you'd die if you didn't pick one of them. Like I said, it was the act of choosing that was important, not which choice you made. But the stakes had to be real. Sorry to scare you like that, but I had to make you believe it."
"That's all ri..." Xander started, then stopped. "I'm going to stop saying that, I think."
"Not a bad idea," Addrilanne agreed.
"What would have happened if I'd decided to choose one of the girls?" he asked her.
She shrugged. "Nothing. This was all for you, Xander, all so you could learn which of them you love the most."
"All of them," Xander said, and smiled.
"All of them," Addrilanne agreed, with a smile of her own. She pointed to the wall above the portal behind Xander.
He turned around and started to laugh. There, woven into the tapestries like they'd been there for centuries, were three pictures. In the first, he lay in bed with Anya, her arms encircling him protectively. In the second, he sat at the lunch table with Willow, her hand holding his. In the third, he and Buffy sat together on a stone wall, and she leaned against him as they held each other.
"Made it to the big time, I guess," Xander said, when he stopped laughing.
"You'd better believe it," Addrilanne said, laughing herself. She quickly sobered. "True love, Xander, that's what you have. With all three of them. Different kinds of love, yes, but the same, too. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?"
"Oh, yes," Xander breathed softly. "I know."
"Good," Addrilanne said. "Then our work here is done."
"I can go home?" he asked eagerly.
"Of course," she informed him.
"Well... Thank you," Xander said awkwardly. "Thank you. For letting me know how much I love them."
"No, Xander," she said, "thank you. For letting me know how much you love them."
"You're welcome, I guess," Xander said. "What now? You go back to testing other people?"
"Yes," Addrilanne said, "but on my terms. At least until someone gets hold of another one of D'Hoffryn's damned binding spells."
"We'll destroy the one we have," Xander promised her. "And maybe Giles knows of a few more that we can get rid of."
"Thank you," she said. "I'd appreciate that."
"What about Angie and Linda?"
"They'll be fine. Their comas will turn into normal sleep as soon as you get back. They'll wake up tomorrow with the mother of all headaches. Maybe that will teach them a lesson. What you do with them is up to you."
Xander snorted. "I imagine Willow and Buffy will have a nice, long chat with them about the dangers of casting magical spells you're not familiar with."
"Probably a good idea," Addrilanne said. "You should go, you realize," she went on.
"I know," Xander said. "But I don't want to leave you here alone."
She smiled at the care and warmth in his voice. "I'm not alone," she assured him. "What you feel for Anya, and Willow, and Buffy? I feel it, too, when I'm in here looking at your part of the tapestries. And I feel what they feel for you, and what everyone else in here feels. One of the better perks of this job."
"Wow," Xander mused. "That does sound good. But I think I'll stick with just my own ladies."
"Smart man," Addrilanne said.
"If you say so," he agreed, and turned towards the portal. "I just walk right through?"
"You just walk right through."
He turned back to her. "How about a hug for the road?" he asked, spreading his arms.
"Happy to oblige," Addrilanne said, smiling as she walked into his embrace.
When they pulled apart, Xander looked down at himself and laughed.
"What is it?"
"Well," he said, "I forgot we were naked, is all."
Addrilanne laughed as well. "It is pretty easy to forget, isn't it? You can get your clothes back as soon as you get home."
"Yeah," Xander agreed, then smiled evilly. "About that..."
******
"Honeys, I'm home!" Xander called as he came through the portal into the dorm room. "Did you ladies miss me?"
Three female forms hurtling into him was his only answer They all started talking at once as they hugged him.
"I was afraid you were gone," Anya said, tears in her eyes.
"I was so scared," Willow said, also crying.
"Thank God you're back," Buffy said, and her own eyes weren't exactly dry.
"I'm fine," he assured all of them. "I'm okay." They didn't appear to hear him, and kept a tight hold on him. He smiled and pulled them all against him.
Eventually, they broke from the group hug and Xander was left standing in front of them. He noticed that Willow and Buffy weren't as careful with their eyes as they had been when he'd left.
"Tell us all about it," Willow insisted, not even pretending to look him in the eye.
"I will," Xander promised. "But can I get some clothes here first?" he asked casually.
Anya gave him a wicked smile. "We took a vote," she said. "No."
Willow's and Buffy's smiles matched Anya's. "No chance," Buffy agreed.
Xander sighed. "I had a feeling you'd say that," he said sadly. "Oh, well."
He snapped his fingers.
All three girls suddenly felt a draft. They looked down at themselves and found that their clothes were gone.
Three voices rose as one.
"XANDER!"
***
End
***