Dedicated to Laura Smith, Tracy Girlie and everyone else who demanded it.
The water off the coast of Sunnydale was, of course, infested with sharks. The land was covered with predatory monsters, so there seemed no good reason why the sea should prove a safe haven. Swimming took place in ponds, in lakes, in swimming pools. What beaches there were remained largely unpopulated except during summer days. But now it was a March night, cold enough to keep anyone away. Which is why the shark was surprised to find a swimmer. It had been looking for something to chew on--that was all it ever looked for, really--and had come upon her, turning lazy loop-de-loops without a care. The shark rose in a swift, silent arc. Its mouth swung open in anticipation of the kill. The struggle was swift and bloody. Moments later, the shark's body sunk to the ocean floor. The swimmer rode the currents, waiting for her prey to come to her.
"...so then the bear says, 'you didn't come here to hunt, did you?'" Xander Harris lay next to Anya, doing what he did best-- telling lame jokes. "I don't get it," Anya said. "Take off your pants." Xander sighed and rolled over on his back, staring up at the ceiling of his basement apartment. He had been dating Anya for close to six months now, if that was the word. In truth, they had basically been using each other as sex toys for most of that time. To his utter horror, he was growing bored with it. Not that the sex was bad--Good GOD, the sex wasn't bad--but increasingly, he found himself wanting to have conversations with her, ask her about her day. And all she wanted to do was dance, dance, dance. Euphemistically speaking. "So! What did you do today?" he asked. "I came here. For sex. Your pants are still on." "You know, Anya, you don't have to immediately go into Sex Mode when you come over. We can just talk." She regarded him suspiciously. "Are you saying you don't want to have sex?" "I'm saying we don't have to," Xander replied "And your body is working properly?" "Anya." "I just want to be sure." "Yes. Yes, my body is working properly." "I'm speaking primarily about your penis." "It's fine, thank you. Now can we just--" "I don't believe you." Xander shut his eyes and counted to ten. He opened them. She was still there. Damn. Didn't work. "Seriously. Can we just talk?" "Okay. Can we talk about why your penis doesn't work?"
Ten minutes later, the two of them lay naked in a tangle of clothes and sheets, half-dozing in a spooning position. "We suck at talking," Xander muttered. Anya's reply was a pleasured little grunt. "We need to do something about this." "We could have sex again," Anya suggested. "Something else," Xander replied.
Willow felt electric as she crossed the UC Sunnydale campus towards Stevenson Hall. Her latest spell session with Tara had gone very well indeed...they'd used their combined strength to light a candle from across Tara's room. Willow'd never had that kind of control over her magic before. After they were done, they'd sat together for a while, talking. It seemed like ages since she'd just talked with somebody; sometimes she felt like her life was on fast-forward, like she was trying to pass her Trig midterms one second, then dodging a blow from Faith the next. But talking with Tara was wonderful. She was looking forward to their visits more and more. And now she was becoming part of her life. She'd met everybody, and everybody seemed to like her, even Xander. Well, of course he liked her. Why wouldn't he? He'd be jealous was her first thought. But why? What would he have to be jealous about? That she had a friend? That was ridiculous. Xander had been jealous of Angel, but jealousy had given way to what Xander liked to refer to as "pure animal hatred." He'd been jealous of Oz for a while, but he'd gotten past that... Why would he be jealous of Tara? It's not as if she and Tara were... Oh, that was ridiculous. As she approached her room, she decided to put thoughts of Xander out of her mind. She opened the door. Xander was sitting on Buffy's bed. "Heyyyyy, wait a minute," she said, squinting in mock confusion. "You're not Buffy!" "I'm not? Damn, no wonder those shoes didn't fit." He smiled and stood up. "You just missed her. She let me in. I think she's off on another fabulous night of FaithWatch." "Ah. So what d'you want?" "Me? Um...it's nothing, really...I was just wondering what you were doing tomorrow." "Tomorrow? Well, it's Saturday, so nothing planned except, y'know, long stretches of sleep, followed by more long stretches of sleep. Why? Got something in mind?" "Sort of. Erm...keep an open mind." Willow frowned and sat down on her bed, facing him. "I promised my Uncle Rory I'd take him fishing tomorrow. For some reason, he's got a bug up his ass to go see the water, so I'm gonna take him down to the pier." "How's he doing?" "Still sauced." Rory had returned to boozing last summer, after his plans to wed were cut short by the fact that the bride was a lamia, a female vampire with a snake's body from the waist down. "Anyway... this is a really awkward question...would you hang out with Anya for a day?" Willow blinked. "Hang out with Anya. As in, be in the same place with her for a great length of time. Of my own free will." "Will..." "Spend the day chatting with a vengeance demon." "Former vengeance demon." "Who brought a vampire version of myself to this dimension, where it ran around terrifying all my friends." "And she feels really bad about that--" "Who spends her time insulting all of your friends when she's not riding you like a horse. A horny horse." "Come on, Will..." "Xander, I realize that you've never asked us what you think of Anya, but let me fill you in--we hate her. She's evil." "She's a demon! She doesn't have a choice!" "But you do!" "Will--" Xander stood up. "Look, I know you don't like her. I'm used to that. But you didn't like Cordelia at first, right?" "Right. And I still don't." "Don't you even want to know why I'd ask you to do this?" Willow shrugged. She kinda did want to know, but she didn't want to ask. "She doesn't tell me anything. It's like she's afraid to get too close to me, y'know? She keeps this big wall around her at all times, and I just want to figure some things out about her. You know?" Willow sighed. She did know. That was exactly what Oz had done; hidden things, kept to himself, kept himself behind a wall. Often literally. "What do I get if I do it?" Willow asked. "I'll be your best friend." "I thought you already were my best friend." "I thought so too, but we barely talk anymore." Willow bit her tongue to avoid an Anya-related retort. "I'll buy you a pie," Xander said. "What?" Willow said, laughing. "That's right," Xander replied. "A big, Boston creme pie." "All right, I'll do it for pie." "Thanks, Will." He stood up. "Hey, you don't have to leave. We can hang out, or relax, or even chill..." "I can't. I have to go tell Anya what's happening tomorrow."
"WHAT?!" "What?! What's the big deal?" Xander was completely unprepared for the violent reaction he received when he outlined the plan to Anya. "You want me to spend the day with your ex-girlfriend?!" "She was never my girlfriend!" "Oh, excuse me. This is the girl you cheated on your girlfriend with!" "We kissed! It never went further than that!" "Hmmmph." "Look, she...um...she wants to get to know you." "Why?" "Because of...um...because you're interesting! You're a very interesting person and she would like to get to know you!" Xander hoped the shrill desperation didn't sound through in his voice. Anya narrowed her eyes and glared at him...then her expression lightened. "Really?" "Oh, absolutely," Xander replied, his head bobbing like a drinking bird toy. "Well..." Anya considered it. "I have to do some things tomorrow--" "What things?" "Nothing. I suppose she could tag along if she likes." She glared at Xander again. "Just don't expect us to bond or anything." "Wouldn't dream of it," Xander said. He leaned in and gave her a kiss. "Have a nice day tomorrow." "I will," Anya said, climbing the stairs. Xander didn't relax until the door closed behind her. "Next time," he said, "a low-maintenance girlfriend."
At 6:59 am, something horrible pounded on the door. Willow sat upright, then just as quickly sank back down to the pillow, her head swimming. Ow ow ow. The whatever-it-was pounded again. Stumbling, Willow got to her feet and lurched toward the door. Behind her, she heard Buffy groan a profanity and sit up. The door swung open. Anya was there. "I understand we're supposed to spend the day together." She sounded about happy about it as Willow was. "Shower," Willow groaned. "Dress. Breakfast." "Hmmm? Oh. I've already done all that." "I haven't," Willow growled. "Go away." "All right," Anya said tightly. "I'll wait for you at that coffee place on Swanson." "Fine," Willow said, and closed the door, restraining the impulse to slam it. She turned around to find Buffy staring at her. "What's that all about?" "I'm spending the day with her," Willow said. "...Why?" Buffy asked, as though this was a totally alien concept. "I don't know. I think pie might have been involved." She lurched towards the shower, already counting the hours until this day was over.
"Rory." Rory Harris lay on the Harris family couch, snoring loudly. Xander stood over him, a hat covered with fishhooks on his head. "Rory. Hey. Come on, we gotta get started early." Rory snorted loudly and turned on his side. Xander leaned towards his uncle's ear. "Twenty one. You win, sir," he whispered. "Double down!" Rory yelled, then sat up. He blinked, getting his surroundings. "Oh God. I'm still alive." He held his head. "What was I into last night?" "Schnapps," Xander replied, helping him to his feet. "Oh, Christ no," Rory moaned. "Not the Peppermint." "Peachtree. Come on, get dressed. I hear that salt sea air is good for a hangover." "Fishing? Yes...the water. Right." Rory straightened himself up. "Let's get going, then!"
Willow shuffled towards the coffee shop. Anya was seated at a table on the sidewalk, three paper coffee cups scattered around her. "Took you long enough," Anya said. "So are you ready to--" "Not," Willow said. "Not ready. Need coffee." "Oh. Well, I can understand that. I didn't know what I was missing, not having caffeine. I mean, I'm on my third mochaccino here, and let me tell you, I am wired!" Willow stared at her blearily for a long moment. "I go get coffee," she said. "You do that," Anya said, finishing off her own coffee.
"So," Rory said as they clambered out of the car. "What's happening with you?" "Me?" Xander asked, hoisting a cooler out of the back seat. "Don't you know? You live upstairs..." "Yeah, but I've been kind of unavailable." Rory pulled two chairs and the rods out of the back. "Sorry about that." "You've got a lot on your mind," Xander said. Which was true. Everclear, Jagermeister, Smirnoff's...you needed a photographic memory to keep it all straight. "So what's happening?" "Ah, you know. Same old same old." "You working?" "A few places." They walked to the pier and set up a couple of lawn chairs. Rory dug into the cooler and came up with a beer. "You mind if I ask you a question?" Rory asked. "What's the deal with that girl that keeps coming around? I woke up from a nap once with her staring at me, like she recognized me." "Anya? She's my girlfriend. She recognized you?" "She said something about Cecilia. Remember her?" "Uh..." Xander ran it over in his head. The first one was working as a cocktail waitress when Rory met her, he remembered that...number two had been the mime...number three...ah, yes. "The veterinarian, yeah?" "Yeah. She's the one caught me in bed with that chorus line--" "Chorus girl." "Let me dream. Man...it was right after that I decided to drop everything and become a taxidermist. Wonder what the hell was running through my mind..." Xander stared at him for a moment. "And Anya recognized you, did she?" "Yeah. It was weird." "Weirder than you think," Xander muttered. "Ah, well. It coulda been worse. Trust me on that."
"Where is it we're going?" Willow asked. They were walking through one of the ritzier sections of Sunnydale. In fact, they were approaching the former home of the Chases, now the summer home of some software guy, Masbatt or something. "I have to go pay my rent," Anya replied. "Your landlord lives here?" "I live here." "In this neighborhood?" Willow looked around. "How does that work?" "Well, I needed a place to stay, so I went to the man that owns this house." "This house? This specific house?" "Yes. Can't you see it?" "Of course I can--how do you afford this house?" "The barter system." They approached the gate; Anya rang the buzzer. "Who approaches?" a dark, sinister voice intoned from the intercom. "It is I, Anyanka, dark mistress of vengeance." "Dark mistress of vengeance?!" Willow whispered. "Ssshhh!" "Who comes with thee?" the dark sinister voice said. "Oh, um...her name's Willow." Anya glared at Willow and whispered, "Make up a name! Something that sounds like what I said!" "What?! Why?" "Just do it!" "Uh...It is I, Willow, the...um...witch." Anya motioned with her hands; go on. "Willow, mistress of...herbs and spices?" she finished lamely. The intercom was silent for a moment. Then there was a buzz and the gate swung open. "Enter freely, and of your own will," the dark sinister voice said. "Herbs and spices?" Anya said mockingly. "Dark mistress of vengenace?" Willow replied. "More like dark mistress of...snotty comments. And stuff." "Just come on," Anya said, walking toward the mansion.
The sun was high in the sky now, and Rory was well into his fourth beer. Xander was nursing his first thoughtfully. "Beautiful sight, isn't it?" he said. "The way the water catches the light...kinda pretty." Rory peered at him curiously. "Are you drunk?" he asked. "Oh, shut up. Come on, that's a pretty sight!" "Yeah, yeah. Not as pretty as some things." Rory slumped in his chair. "Green hair..." "Rory." "The way she glided around a room..." "That's because she was half-snake, Rory." "I know, I know," Rory sighed. "I've just...I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Dreaming about her." "Really." Xander finished off the can and idly tugged at his line. "Anything good?" "Just...you know...regular dreams. Well, you know about that, right?" "What makes you say that?" "Well, I admit, I don't know too much about this Anya chick, but it strikes me that maybe she ain't that unrequited love of yours we talked about in Vegas." Xander rolled his eyes and reached for another beer. "Lord save me from a morose drunk," he said. "Come on, I'm serious..." "Forget it, Rory." He popped the top on the beer and took a long swig. "If it was gonna happen, it woulda happened by now." "Oh, give me a friggin' break," Rory replied. "That just means you don't wanna deal with the given situation. Don't go blaming fate just because you're a wussy, kid." "I'm not a wussy!" "You're a wussy." "This from a drunken ex-taxidermist sleeping on his brother's couch." "Least I'm not a wussy." "Shut up and fish, Rory."
Willow followed Anya into a large, round chamber. In the middle of the room, in a wooden throne, sat a man shrouded in a large, purple robe. His face was not visible. One pale arm shot out from beneath the robe and pointed at Willow. "Why has this one come?" he asked, using the same dark sinister voice from the intercom. "I have brought her, as is my right," Anya said. "I was cursed to have her follow me everywhere." "You wanna talk about curses, let's talk about--" A glare from Anya shut Willow up. "Very well," Dark Sinister Guy said. "Then let the dance of tribute begin!" Dark Sinister Guy clapped his hands twice, swiftly, and a slow, steady beat filled the room. It was a low, seductive piece of music. Anya began to sway to the beat. After a moment, she kicked away her shoes, first one, then the other. Then, before Willow's astonished eyes, she began to pull her shirt out of her skirt. "You've got to be kidding," she murmured. Anya slowly unbuttoned the shirt. When it was fully undone, she twirled a bit in time to the music, allowing the dark figure a few fleeting glimpses of her Wonderbra-housed breasts. When she decided he was sufficiently tittilated, she slipped the shirt off and threw it at the figure, who caught it easily. Oh, please let me be dreaming this, Willow thought as she covered her eyes. She didn't want to watch this. She didn't want to remember this. She wanted to have a frontal lobotomy if that's what it took to completely erase this incident from her brain. Anya had her back to the figure now, and she toyed with the clasp of her bra. She undid it, giving the figure a good long look at her porcelain back. She turned around, one hand covering her breasts, and pulled the bra loose with the other hand. She made a show of tossing it to the figure, but at the last minute, she turned and threw it to Willow. Instinct made her catch it; then she let it fall to the floor, disgusted. Note to self: Kill Xander, she thought as Anya started playing with her skirt.
"It wouldn't have worked out anyway," Xander muttered as he finished the second beer. "Why not?" Rory said, casting out his line off the edge of the pier. "We're different people," Xander replied. "I mean, she's... she's a good person, Rory. I mean, she's so good you can't believe it." "So what are you, Jeffrey Dahmer?" "Maybe," Xander said. "Whatcha mean?" "I mean I'm sure my dad was an easygoing guy about twenty years ago. I don't think he got married as a drunken, abusive bastard, do you?" "You're not your dad, Xander," Rory said. "Hell, look at me. I'm his brother and I'm not like that." "No. You're a drunken, philandering bastard." Rory looked shocked for a moment; then he shrugged. "Ya got me. So what? Hey, don't they say...uh...that you can't be insane if you realize you're insane?" "What's that got to do with anything?" "What I mean is, if you realize you've got the potential to be a drunken, abusive and/or philandering bastard, doesn't that mean you got the advantage? I mean, you know where your weaknesses are and you work on 'em, right?" "It's more than that," Xander said. "I mean, she's got this college thing going on..." "So go to college." "They've got this thing about letting in the terminally stupid, Rory." "You know what I mean..."
The swimmer hid in the shadows of the pier and waited. The waiting, she decided, was going to drive her insane...no, not the waiting. The listening. Listening to these two drunken idiots bemoan their pathetic little existences was going to drive her insane. She flexed a hand into a fist, waiting for her chance to drive it into the boy's face. Death for him, but not a quick one. No, she'd make him last. She ventured a glance and saw the sun high in the sky. It'd be hours before it set. Damn.
Willow was wondering exactly how much horror the human mind could undergo before it just snapped. The figure in the throne now held both Anya's shirt and skirt, and she was just beginning to...oh, no. Oh, no, not that. She had her thumbs hooked into the waistband of her panties and-- "Enough!" Dark Sinister Guy cried. He clapped his hands; the music stopped. Anya stood before him, arms crossed over her breasts, looking businesslike. Dark Sinister Guy stood and removed his hood. Beneath it was a shy, chubby face she recognized. It was the software guy. David Masbatt. He was blushing and smiling as he handed Anya back her clothes. "Great dance," he said in the dark sinister voice. When he heard it, he rolled his eyes and removed a small black box on a necklace around his neck. He then spoke in his actual, somewhat squeaky voice. "You want a copy of the video?" "No," Anya replied. "Just make sure the usual food order's there. And have a talk with the housekeeping staff, would you? They missed trash day last week." "Sure thing. See you back here in two months?" "I'll be here." Anya slipped her shirt back on and walked over to Willow. "I need my bra back." "It's...what the hell was that?!" Willow cried, outraged. "What? I was paying my rent. The barter system." "You...you...naked! Naked dancing! For him!" "Well, what do you expect me to do? Get a _job_?" "You...you..." "Look, it turned out he's got a demon fetish," Anya explained patiently. "I happened to let it slip that I was a vengeance demon--" "Former vengeance demon." "Ssshhh! Anyway, we worked out this little system. I dance for him, he tapes it, and I get free room and board for me and my roommates." "Roommates?" "Yeah. Vanessa and Tessa--they're a couple of succubae-- share a suite upstairs. Personally, I think they're a little too into each other to successfully seduce anyone else at this point. Then there's Svetlana; she turns men into small vermin. We hit it off right from the start." "But--and you--does Xander know about this?" "I probably mentioned it to him," Anya said evasively. "Oh, really," Willow said suspiciously. "Probably." "Well, that's...I...and..." Willow took a deep breath and made her pronouncement. "I'm telling!"
Xander had his hat slung down over his eyes to block the sun. Beside him, Rory was snoring away. He was thinking; always a bad sign. Rory had stirred up a bunch of feelings he'd thought he'd successfully buried. That was the thing with him and Willow, though; their relationship was like a monster, like the Terminator or Freddy Krueger...you think it's finally dead, but... Wow, Harris, he thought at himself, With a romantic metaphor like that, it's hard to believe things haven't worked out for you. "Blame the beer," he murmured as he opened beer number three. That was what it was like, though. It had been almost two years since he'd first figured it out, since he'd first said the words to Willow... almost two years since she'd woken up asking for Oz... almost two years since he finally decided to be the bigger man and keep his mouth shut. Well, if you don't count that whole month of surreptitious kisses part. "That was a great month," he said. "Great month." He wondered where she was. He wondered how she was doing with Anya.
"Oh, come on," Anya said for seemingly the hundredth time as they approached the mall. "I will not come on." "Haven't you ever kept a secret from your boyfriend?" "Yes, Anya. Yes, I have. But 'I blew off your band's practice to go shopping with Buffy' is on a different scale than 'I dance naked for another man to earn my rent!'" "You know what you are? You know what this is?" Anya asked as they stepped inside. "What is it?" "You're jealous." "Jealous?!" "You're very insecure about your body," Anya pronounced. "And when you see someone like me, who realizes that her body embodies all that is perfect about the human machine, you find it very difficult to deal with. You're jealous." Glaring, Willow stopped and folded her arms. "You have thick ankles," she replied. This stopped Anya cold. She turned and stared. "Excuse me?" "You heard me. You have thick ankles. Your body isn't perfect." "Oh, yeah? Well...you have no chin!" Anya replied. "Your feet are gigantic," Willow said. "You're flat-chested," Anya shot back. "You have cottage-cheese thighs," came Willow's next attack. "I do not!" "Well, I'm not flat-chested!" They looked at the ground for a moment, taking deep breaths. "All right," Willow said. "I'm sorry I said that about your thighs." "Fine." Willow waited patiently. Anya sighed. "You're not flat-chested," she finally said. "Fine." They were silent another long moment. "You wanna go find some shoes?" Willow asked. "Yeah," Anya replied.
"Mmmm," Rory mmmed. "Rory," Xander said. "Wake up, man. I gotta bite." "Whuh?" "I got a bite." Xander was on his feet, tugging at the fishing rod. "Whaddaya mean, you got a bite?" Rory's face was hidden under a newspaper, which he'd put there to take a nap. "What do you think I mean?!" Rory sat up and goggled at the sight of Xander's line, pulled taut by a fish out in the water. "Whaddaya know," he marveled. "That's never happened before." "Help me!" "How?" "I don't know! I've never done this before!" "Well, I've never actually caught anything before. You're on your own." "Just help me reel this thing in!" Reluctantly, Rory got up and got a good grip on the rod as Xander pumped the reel. "'Whaddaya mean, you got a bite?' Honest to God, Rory..." "Hey, this is unprecedented," Rory replied. "What, you think I wanted to actually catch fish?" He grunted with effort. "This was just an excuse to get drunk and shoot the shit..." "All right, all right, I got you, you little..." A large fish broke the water and Xander yanked on the line, drawing it closer. The fight was almost out of the thing as he reeled it closer, pulling it up to the pier. "Wow!" Xander said, admiring his catch. "That is one fine-looking...uh...fish. What kinda fish is that, d'you think?" "Uh..." Rory squinted at it. "Well, from the scales and the fins, I'd guess it's a...fish." "Whatever," Xander said, tossing it in the cooler. "It'll be good eatin', anyway."
"Wow," Anya said as they walked out of the mall's movie theater. They were both wearing new shoes. "I liked that." "I don't know," Willow said. "It was way too violent. And that ending..." "Yes, but this Christian Bale person..." She closed her eyes, smiled. "I'm thinking about having sex with Xander right now." "Uh huh," Willow said. "Well, I would fantasize about sex with Christian Bale, but that's just me." "I wonder if I could get Xander to start working out. Make his stomach look like that." "It was very...washboardy," Willow said, smiling, remembering it. "That'd be nice." "So..." Willow hesitated. "Let me ask you something. You talk about having sex with Xander a lot." "Yes. We have sex a lot." "I gathered that. Um..." I don't believe I'm about to ask this question... "What's it like?" For once, Anya seemed reluctant to answer. "You want, what, specifics or something?" "No!" Willow said, blushing. "No. Well, I mean, I do, but...never mind. I was just curious." "Were you," Anya said suspiciously. "Don't start getting jealous again. I was just asking a simple question." "All right. Sex with Xander...well...the man's a god." This stopped Willow in her tracks. "A god? Xander's a god?" "Yes," Anya said nodding. "And before you say anything, I had sex as a human before I became a vengeance demon. Come to think of it, I had plenty of sex as a vengeance demon. Trust me. He's a god." "A god." "Uh huh." "An actual deity." "Yes." Willow nodded, then shook her head. "Okay. I admit it. I need specifics. When you say a god..." "I mean he has Herculean stamina. He has a gentle touch, but not too gentle. He can be really wild. And his...well, that's a little too specific. Suffice it to say, he's an extremely well-constructed man. He's a god." Willow stared at her, her mouth wide open. "You're making it up." "Why would I?" "I..." She shook her head. "New topic. Please." "Okay. Do you know anything about Rory?" "Uncle Rory? Oh, yeah. He's a sweetie." "It's just that I think I cursed him about a decade ago. Was he ever a taxidermist?" "Uh..." Willow checked her watch. "Hey, they should be finishing up now anyway. You wanna go ask 'em?"
"I don't know, man," Xander said. The sun was just going down, and he and Rory were packing everything up. "I mean, it's not like there's anything wrong with Anya, you know?" "Oh, she looked all right," Rory replied. "'sjust that, like, I dunno if I could make it work with Will, you know?" "I know." "Y'know?" "I know." "I am so wasted," Xander said, giggling a little. "Well, that's what happens when you don't eat, sit in the sun all day and drink beer," Rory replied. "Come on." "You know, though," Xander said, sitting down on the pier. "I think you're right. I think Will and I need to talk this out. I think--" The sun dipped below the horizon. Something splashed its way out of the water. Xander stumbled backward. Rory dropped the cooler and stared. Her green hair was plastered over her bare breasts, thus enabling Xander to continue to use his brain. Just below her navel, her milky-white shin changed to green scaled, sliding down to a snake's tail, which which she treaded water. She glared at them with unmistakable hatred. "FINALLY!" she screamed. It was his almost-aunt Laetitia. "And you two thought I hated you _before_," she snarled. "I've been listening to you two idiots complain about your love lives all day long!" "Laetitia?" Rory whispered. "Yes, Rory, it's me. Laetitia. Miss me?" "Rory, don't look at her eyes!" Xander yelled. "Too late," Laetitia said. "I don't need his eyes. I'm already inside his head." Xander looked at his uncle; Rory was staring at his former fiancee, enthralled, ensorcelled. Xander swore and looked around for the cooler. There was a knife in there, he remembered that, for the fish... "Now then, little Xander," the lamia cooed, drifting closer to him. "I'm torn. On the one hand, I long to tear your head from your shoulders and drain you of every last drop of blood. On the other hand, Rory's not going to last as one of my thralls much longer. You see my dilemma." "That's a puzzler," Xander said, trying to inch towards the cooler. He shook his head; fear was burning off the alcohol in his system, but not fast enough. "I'll tell you what," she said. "Let's try this. I'll rip one of your arms off and see if that makes me feel better." "Or...or...hey, want a beer? You'll feel better after a beer." He put on his best please-don't-kill-me smile. "It'll give you all the arm-ripping proteins you need." "Look into my eyes, Xander," the lamia hissed. "NO!" Xander rolled backwards, stumbled to his feet. He ran to Rory, tried to push him forward. "RORY! Rory, we gotta go--" Then they both fell to the pier. A few feet ahead, the pier was being torn apart from below. Xander watched in horror as the portion of the pier ahead of them, the part they could have to cross to get back to shore, was ripped to shreds. Laetitia again. "Well, when you're out of slits, you're out of pier," Rory murmured. "What?!" "Hmm? Sorry, did you say something?" Rory blinked at him; he seemed to be awake again. "Rory, stay with me here, all right? Laetitia's here. And she wants to kill us. Any thoughts?" "...Don't let her?" "Perfect," Xander muttered. He reached for the cooler. Which is when the pier was torn away from beneath him.
The taxi pulled up to the deserted beach parking lot. Anya handed the driver some bills and they hopped out. "You're not really going to tell Xander about my rent, are you?" she asked. "I kind of have to," Willow replied. "But...we bonded! We bought shoes! I told you what sex with Xander is like, and you never would have found that out on your own!" "Watch it." "In fact, I've been doing all the talking today. What about you? What's up with this Tara girl?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, are the two of you having girl sex or not?" Willow rounded on her, shocked. "Where did you get that idea?" "The way she looks at you. The way you look at her. Stuff like that." "That's...did you tell anyone else that?" "Not yet." "I'm not talking to you about this," Willow said, turning and walking toward the beach. "Someone's touchy," Anya replied. "Shut up." "Well, there's their car," Anya said. "Where are they?" "And where's the pier?" They squinted in the new darkness at something splashing in the water. "What is that?" Anya asked. "I don't...oh, my God." Willow took off as fast as she could, running towards what she saw. Xander, pressed against the pier in the water, something gnawing at his throat.
She'd caught him as he fell. The wind went out of him as she slammed him against one of the pillars of the pier. She smiled, her vamp face on. "Do you have any idea how far the Las Vegas sewer systems extends? Not too far. It ends in a large septic tank. I had to wait until nightfall to claw my way out." She slapped him with her free hand, sending a ribbon of blood oozing from the side of his mouth. "Not that I'm bitter." She reached out and licked the blood away. "Mmmm. Tastes better than your uncle's. Not as much alcohol content." "I dunno," Xander rasped. "Don't think I could drive right now." "You're not going to drive anywhere from now on," Laetitia replied. "You need me," Xander said. "You need a thrall." "I've decided that Rory will do. I like you better dead." "Likewise." "Tell me something," the lamia said, grinning, showing her fangs. "Where's your 'someone special' now, boy?" "She's coming," Xander hissed. "She'll come for me." "She'll be too late," Laetitia snarled. Her fangs sank into his throat.
Willow paddled furiously towards the green spot in the water. When she was close enough, she grabbed a handful of hair and yanked backwards. The thing, whatever it was, turned on her and hissed. "Away!" it cried, and swiped at her with a claw-tipped hand. The hand caught her across the face, sending her reeling. Xander kicked at the lamia's mid-section, enraged. Laetitia cried out in pain and dragged Xander under the water. Willow snapped back to attention just in time to see them go under. She ducked under the water, swam down to them. Xander was struggling wildly, twin trails of blood flowing from the wounds on his neck. Laetitia was laughing, a dim, distant sound to Willow's ears. She grabbed the first body part she could get her hands on--Laetitia's ear--and yanked. The vampire screamed in pain and clutched at her wound, releasing Xander. He began to sink; Willow swam under him and kicked wildly, desperately trying to get back to the surface.
Anya had been right behind Willow; but where Willow had confronted the lamia, Anya was headed for the pier. She clambered up one of the pillars and pulled herself up. "Hey! You! Rory!" Anya approached the spellbound man. "Are there any weapons up here? An iron blade? Anything?" "Whuh?" Rory whuhed. Anya reached back and slapped him for all that she was worth. "Weapons! Knives! Anything! Focus, Rory!" "Uh...the cooler. Look in the cooler." "Right." Anya squatted by the cooler. "Ew! Fish! She tossed it over her shoulder, dug through the cans... "HELP!" She looked over the side; Willow was floundering with Xander, who looked unconscious. A few feet away, the lamia was surfacing. "Help me!" Anya cried to Rory. She grabbed one of the cans and hurled it at the vampire. It went wide, but the next one was deadly accurate. Eight ounces of Milwaukee's Best collided with Laetitia's forehead. "Keep doing that!" she cried to Rory, who was walking over to her. "You hear me? Keep throwing the cans at Laetitia!" "Right," Rory murmured. "Cans." He shook his head violently. "What are you going to do?" Anya reached into the cooler and came up with a short-handled knife. "Guess," Anya said. She leapt off the deck into the water below.
Willow gasped, leaning against the pillar, trying to press herself into Xander, trying to keep them both from drowning. "Xander?!" she cried out. "Xander, wake up!" There was a splash from her left; a moment later, Anya surfaced. "Is he all right?!" she asked. "He's not breathing!" "Can you get to shore?" "I think so! But that thing--" "I'll stop her!" Anya brandished the knife. "I've got this!" The water broke behind her; it was Laetitia, surfacing. She grabbed Anya's wrist. "I'll take that," she said. "GO!" Anya screamed. She wrested her hand free and slashed at the vampire. "I'm going to kill you," she said matter-of-factly. "Is that so." "I'm pretty sure, yeah." She sliced again, and this time the blade bit into the lamia's arm. "Very sure, actually."
Willow dragged Xander onto the shore. She tugged her sweater off and pressed it against his wound, then placed her mouth onto his, forcing fresh air into his lungs. "One one thousand...two one thousand...three one thousand..." She pressed down on his chest. "Come on, Xander, come on..."
Laetitia's taloned hand locked around Anya's throat. She held the former demon up, choking the life out of her. Anya slashed wildly at Laetitia's arm, but the vampire simply would not let go. "It's too bad," she said as Anya struggled. "You're very strong. You would make an excellent thrall." "I'd...let go...if I...were you," Anya choked out. "And why is that?" She got her answer. Rory had emptied the cooler. Now, he leapt off the pier, wielding the cooler as a weapon. He brought it down on top of her head, a blow that would have caved in a human's skull. Laetitia released Anya and struggled as Rory got her in a half-nelson. "The neck!" Rory screamed. "Go for the neck!" Anya didn't need to be asked twice. She slashed with the knife, going as deep as she could along Laetitia's throat. The lamia screamed, enraged, thwarted, as Rory twisted her neck. With the deep gash, the head came off with surprising ease. Before their eyes, Laetitia exploded into ash, ash which floated along the water. "Oh, man," Rory moaned. "My achin' head." "Your aching head?!"
"...four one thousand...five one thousand...BREATHE!" Willow pounded Xander's chest one final time, and the young man vomited up a lungful of sea water. He choked, shuddered, and finally began to breathe again. "Will..." he moaned before closing his eyes. Anya and Rory were just coming up from the water. "He's lost a lot of blood," Willow said. "Stay here with him. I'm gonna call for an ambulance." As she ran off, Anya plopped onto the sand next to Xander, Rory on the opposite side. "You're okay," she whispered, stroking his hand. "You're okay." "Will?" he asked, his eyes closed. "Just relax," Anya said. "Will...love you, Will..." Anya said nothing. She just kept stroking Xander's hand. "An?" he asked after a few seconds. "Xander?" "Izzat you?" "It's me." "What happened?" "You almost drowned and had all your blood sucked out." He opened his eyes. "How long was I out?" "Not too long. Willow's getting an ambulance." "Oh. Rory?" "Yeah, right here, kid." "What about Laetitia?" "Dead," Rory replied. "Your girlfriend here took her out." "Well, you helped," Anya said. "Oh. Good." With that, he lay his head back on the sand, and passed out.
"Wow," Xander said. "I just can't see enough of this place." He was being wheeled out of Sunnydale General, a fresh blood transfusion running through his veins. Willow was pushing his wheelchair. "One little overnight trip is all," Willow replied. "So I didn't get a chance to ask," he said. "What happened with Anya yesterday? Did you find anything out?" "Um...not really. We talked a little, that's all." "Anything important." "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Xander." "Oh. Well, that's good." "I mean, she did tell me you were godlike in bed." "She said that?" "She mentioned it to a couple of sales people at the mall, too." "Huh. Godlike. I like that." Xander grinned. "Hey...did I say anything while I was all delirious?" "I didn't hear anything. And Anya didn't mention anything." "I have the weirdest feeling that there was something I was going to tell you," Xander said. "I'm sure it'll come to you," Willow replied. "Yeah. Couldn't have been all that important."
Rory sat on the shore, watching the full moon reflecting off the black water. He took a tiny sip from his flask, then replaced it in his jacket. "Hey." He looked up to see Anya standing beside him. "Mind if I sit here?" "Hey, pull up a dune." She sat down and buried her feet in the sand. "So you gonna tell him?" Rory asked. "Tell him what?" Anya said. "He's the one that said it. He already knows." "He doesn't, though. He doesn't realize what he said or who he was sayin' it too." Anya sighed. "He'll figure it out eventually," she said matter-of-factly. "I know that." She looked at him. "I've always known that. Besides, if anyone understands what it's like to want to be with someone even though it's wrong, you do." "As long as you don't end up chopping his head off," Rory muttered. He pulled the flask back out and offered it to her. "Wanna snort?" "Why not?" She took the flash and took a quick sip. "So you're a vengeance demon, huh?" Rory asked. "Yeah. Xander told you?" "Well, I was wondering. Lemme ask you...were you in Atlantic City about ten years ago?" "I may have been." "Did you know a veterinarian named Cecilia?" Anya smirked. "Do you really want an answer to that question, Rory?" Rory considered that. "Gimme back the flask." "Here you go..." They sat like that a little while longer, watching the moon on the water and the shark fins in the distance.
All of this belongs to Joss Whedon, except the stuff that doesn't.
