Chapter 4
What You Didn't Say

Why do I feel confused?
Why do I feel so used?
Like a worn-out heart you threw away?
It wasn't what you said,
It's what you didn't say...
--Mary Chapin Carpenter

	His heart wasn't beating.
	She was standing over Xander, feeling for a pulse, and his heart 
wasn't beating. He wasn't moving. He wasn't breathing.
	"No," Willow moaned. "No, no, no!" She whirled towards the gods; 
Tara was running towards her. "Help me!"
	"Are you all right?" Tara asked.
	"He's not breathing, Tara, he's not breathing..." She violently choked 
back a sob. Cry later, she thought to herself. He needs you now.
	Tara put a hand to his chest.
	"I can't do it--"
	"What?" Willow screamed. She grabbed Tara, her eyes wild, the 
fury she'd felt all day finally finding its focus. "You're a goddess! That has 
to be good for something!"
	"Willow, he's dead! I'm not strong enough to bring him back!"
	"Well, one of you has to be!" She looked at Hades, who was still 
dusting himself off from the brawl he'd just finished with Tara. "You."
	"What do you want?" Hades asked contemptuously.
	"Fix him," Willow ordered. "You've got the power. I know you do. 
Heal him."
	"Why should I? This is the land of the dead, you know. I support this 
kind of thing."
	Willow released Tara and walked up to Hades, her hands in fists.
	"Why? I'll tell you why. Because you can. Because it's the right 
thing to do. And because if you don't, I swear I will kill you." Her eyes bore 
into the lord of the dead. The air seemed to crackle around her.
	"Really," Hades said. "And you'll do that yourself, will you?"
	"No." Tara stepped next to Willow. "I'll help her."
	"What?" For the first time, Hades sounded actually hurt.
	"Heal him, Father."
	Hades stared at them, astonished.
	"Now!" Willow screamed, all her patience gone.
	"Um...excuse me..."
	The tension broke as they all turned and looked at Persephone, who 
was crouched over Xander.
	"He's okay now," she said. "I fixed him."
	Willow blinked. She turned back to Hades, still scowling.
	"Well. Good! Because I would have found a way to kill you. Really. 
Excuse me." She broke into a run, Tara right behind her, and knelt by Xander's 
side.
	Whatever Persephone had done, she had done it well; Xander looked 
untouched. Even the cut he'd received during the fight with his father was 
gone. His eyes were still closed, and he was groaning quietly.
	"Xander?" Willow whispered. "Are you okay?"
	"Where am I?" he asked.
	"The underworld," Tara replied.
	"What?! Oh, shit! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to shoplift that G.I. Joe! 
I--" He opened his eyes and saw Willow and Tara looking at him. "Oh. Not 
that underworld."
	"Can you walk?" Willow asked.
	"That's the thing you do with your legs, right?" Xander shut his eyes 
again. "I'm a little..." He trailed off. A moment later, he started to snore.
	"He'll sleep for a while," Persephone said. "Probably longer than 
that."
	Willow reached out and took the pale goddess' hands. She held them 
gently but tightly.
	"Thank you."
	"That's all right," Persephone said. "He wouldn't have been happy 
down here. It's always February and never July."
	"Right," Willow said. She slung one of Xander's arms around her 
shoulders; Tara did the same. They got to their feet, supporting the sleeping 
boy between them.
	Tara found her father's eyes in the low light of the cavern.
	"We're leaving now," she said simply.
	"You can't," Hades replied. "I forbid it! I deny you! I..."
	He looked at them, looked at the expression on his wife's face, looked 
at the blackened husk that used to be Ericthonius.
	"Please," he said, as though the word itself hurt.
	The three youngsters moved forward. Hades walked toward them; as their 
paths crossed, Tara reached out a hand and brushed her father's face.
	"Maybe...maybe we can talk again," she said. "But not now. And not 
soon."
	"I miss you," Hades admitted.
	Tara had no reply; none that he would want to hear, anyway. They 
kept moving; Hades and Persephone watched as they stepped through the 
entrance Tara had created. Once they were through, it sealed itself shut with a 
rumble of stone.
	They were quiet for a moment.
	"Your daughter's very nice," Persephone commented.
	"Hmmmm," Hades hmmmed. "Well...let's get this place cleaned up. 
Where's that damned dog?"

	The bed was soft and fluffy as a cloud. Xander lay in the middle of the 
padding, sunken into it, his mouth wide open and still snoring. Next to him, 
seated on the side of the bed and gently stroking his hair, was Aphrodite. The 
sun was just setting on the ground far below Olympus, and a small warm breeze 
coursed over them.
	"Xander," she murmured. "You need to be awake soon."
	Xander snuffled and turned on his side. Some ways away, at the top of 
the stairs to Thespia's mansion, Willow looked out at the spectacular view. It 
had been an interesting evening. She'd come to Mount Olympus--and no matter 
how many times she thought that, she couldn't quite get her head around it--
and met Thespia. The Goddess Thespia, to whom she had made many, many 
prayers. Thespia. Tara's mother.
Willow shivered, despite the warmth of the night; she was barefoot in 
a sleeveless white shift, having changed out of the sweaty-T-shirt-and-crazy-
god-robe ensemble she'd been wearing all day.
She watched the constellations move around each other at accelerated 
speeds, watched comets dance through the night sky, and found joy in 
none of it.
	Tara. She loved her. And right now, she hated her.
	"He's awake." Aphrodite's voice lilted across the hall; Willow turned 
and saw Xander sitting up in bed, a hand to his head.
	She was running before she knew it; her feet skidded on the white 
marble floor, and she almost bowled into the bed. She hugged Xander as 
fiercely as she dared.
	"Whoa!" the boy cried. Then he returned the hug just as strongly. 
"Hey there."
	"Hey," she said into his shoulder.
	"Goin' to a toga party later?"
	She barked out a single laugh and held on even tighter.
	"I thought..." she began. "I thought that..."
	"Me too," Xander replied, his voice hoarse.
	She eased away from him so she could see his face.
	"You...you died," she said, tears welling in her eyes.
	"Yeah," he replied.
	"Don't ever do that again," she said quietly.
	She held him close again and listened to his heart beat.
	"It's okay," Xander said. "You saved me."
	Aphrodite, who had distanced herself when Willow came running 
over, quietly walked away, casting a final glance back at the two mortals. They 
stayed like that a long time, holding on to each other as though they were all 
that was real.

	Okay...he remembered how this worked. First the left leg moves 
forward...then the right...
	Xander walked like a toddler, hand in hand with Willow; it was partly 
out of affection and partly because he didn't trust himself not to fall over 
without her. They walked through one of the great halls of Olympus, the night 
not quite over.
	"Can I ask you a question?" Willow asked.
	"Sure."
	"What...what was it like?"
	"Dying? Uh....painful. Terrifying. Never knowing where the next 
attack would come from. It was kinda like going to the dentist, actually."
	"It's not funny! You could have been--what am I saying? You were 
killed! What was Tara thinking, bringing you here?!"
	"Well, I...uh...I sort of demanded that she bring me." Xander 
shrugged. "That'll teach me, huh?"
	"Oh. Well, that's no excuse! She..." Willow took a deep breath. "I'm 
sorry. I've just been trying not to have a nervous breakdown, you know?"
	"Yeah. So, uh...did she tell you about..." He waited for her to finish 
the sentence.
	"Something that rhymes with coal skates?" She brushed her hair 
back. "Yeah."
	"Yep."
	"Uh huh."
	They walked quietly for a moment.
	"What's it mean?" Xander asked after a moment.
	"I have no idea." She looked at him. "I--I know that's not what you 
want to hear."
	"It's really not."
	"I can't believe she did this," Willow said as they walked. "I love her 
and I want to kill her."
	"Could I suggest killing her first and seeing how you feel?"
	"Jeez, that was harsh."
	"Death makes me cranky," Xander muttered.
	They walked the length of the hall, emerging in the throne room of 
Aphrodite. The goddess was sprawled on a couch, being fed grapes by a 
beautiful creature of indeterminate gender.
	"Good morning," she said to the humans as they approached. "How 
are you feeling?"
	"Still a little woozy," Xander admitted. "And...uh...I don't even know 
if you need them here...the, uh, little boy's room?"
	"He doesn't mean a room full of little boys," Willow said hurriedly.
	"I know what he means," Aphrodite said. "Down the hall and to the 
left."
	"Right." Xander walked wobbily in the direction Aphrodite had 
indicated. Willow watched him go, making sure he didn't fall.
	"He's fine," Aphrodite said. "How are you?"
	"Well, I was filled with blinding rage, but I've gotten it down to 
complete fury," Willow said. "Mostly I'm confused."
	"I can see why."
	"I love them both."
	"Yes," Aphrodite said with authority. "They both dwell inside your 
heart...but only one is at its center."
	"Which one is that?"
	They were interrupted by the sound of shuffling feet. Willow turned 
and saw Tara and Thespia walk in. Tara looked ashamed and contrite; Willow 
found herself wanting to comfort her. She pushed that feeling away as hard as 
she could.
	"How's Xander?" Tara asked.
	"Fine. Up and about."
	"H-how are you?"
	"What makes you think you have the right to ask that question?"
	"Willow--"
	Willow ignored her, turning back to Aphrodite. "When can Xander 
and I go back?"
	"Soon," Aphrodite said. "I have to discuss things with Tara first."
	"Fine," Willow said. "I'll wait outside." She brushed past Tara and 
Thespia, fighting the urge to turn back.

	Xander emerged from the deeply surreal bathroom some time later to 
the sound of raised voices.
	"It was a violation, you foolish child!" Aphrodite was saying. "A 
violation of their rights!"
	"I know! I know!" Tara said miserably.
	"I don't think you do! Do you have any idea what could happen to 
you?"
	"Aphrodite..." Thespia said warningly.
	"Do not presume to speak to me like that, Thespia! Your daughter is 
guilty of a high crime! What am I supposed to do with her?"
	"And do not presume to threaten my daughter!" Thespia yelled back.
	"Stop it!" Tara spoke up. "Please!"
	"I never wanted you to do this in the first place! What was wrong with 
being a river goddess?"
	"Enough!" Aphrodite cried. The hall fell silent for a moment. "I 
need to consider this. I will call you when I've made my decision."
	Xander stepped into the hall just in time to see Tara and Thespia 
leave. He walked towards the couch where Aphrodite was being fanned by her 
servant.
	"Rough day?" he asked out of habit.
	"I should have paid closer attention," Aphrodite said. "I should have 
known she wasn't ready."
	Xander said nothing. He reached into the discarded bowl next to the 
couch and mooched a grape.
	"Um...Your Majesty...you're not going to kill her, are you?"
	Aphrodite looked at him, surprised.
	"Do you care?"
	"I know I should be more piss--I mean, angrier than this...and I'm 
pretty angry...but I like her, y'know? She's a nice girl."
	"She's over five hundred years old, Xander."
	"...Oh. Okay, she's a nice deity." He grabbed another grape. "These 
are good."
	"Don't worry. I'm not going to kill her. Most likely, I'll just forbid her 
from ever seeing the girl again."
	Xander was quiet for a long moment.
	"Yeah. It's just...look, she didn't use any crazy mojo or anything to 
make Willow fall in love with her, right?"
	"She knew that the two of you were destined for each other."
	"Inside information, sure. But she didn't, like, use a love spell or 
anything?"
	"No."
	Xander nodded.
	"See...I just think that if you do that, then it might, you know, break 
Willow's heart into a million tiny pieces. Which would be bad."
	Aphrodite looked at him, confused.
	"She's acting tough now," Xander continued. "But...and believe me, 
this doesn't make me happy...her feelings for Tara are real. And if Tara gets 
torn away from her, then..." He trailed off.
	"I don't understand," Aphrodite said. "With Tara out of the picture, 
there's nothing standing between the two of you. You'll win."
	"I'd rather not win like that."
	Aphrodite smiled, looking at him as though he'd given the correct 
answer to a test question. Not that Xander could recognize that look.
	"I'll take your words under advisement," the goddess said. "Now, if 
you wouldn't mind..."
	"Oh, sure." He reached towards the bowl of grapes again.
	"Just take the bowl."
	"Okay." Xander grabbed the bowl and hurriedly left in the direction 
Tara and Thespia had gone in. As he turned the corner, he stopped; Tara was 
standing there.
	"Hey," he said.
	"I h-heard what you said in there." She was hugging herself as though 
cold. "Th-thank you."
	"I didn't say it for you," Xander replied.
	Tara nodded. Xander turned to go; then he turned back.
	"Maybe it was a little for you. Like, ten percent. Twenty, tops."
	Tara laughed and looked at him gratefully. Xander nodded and, after a 
moment, walked away, leaving her to wait.

	Willow was sitting on the edge of one of the many pools, her feet 
kicking lazily in the warm water. She didn't stir when she heard the sound of 
sneakers against marble behind her.
	"Hey," Xander said, sitting next to her.
	"Hey," Willow replied. "What's happening?"
	"Lots of yelling."
	Willow nodded. After a moment, she scooted over to him and lay a 
head on his shoulder.
	"I'm really tired," she said.
	He slipped his arm around her, hand on her shoulder. With his free 
hand, he brought around the bowl.
	"Wanna grape?" he asked. "They're really good."
	Silently, she took a grape and popped it into her mouth. They sat and 
waited, listening to the slight splashing at the other end of the pool.

	It was many hours later when Aphrodite called Tara and Thespia back 
into her chamber.
	"By rights, I should have you stripped of your immortality," Aphrodite 
began. "What you did was terrible, Tara. But no one knows better than I what 
foibles a passionate heart can lead to. Or, as I once heard it spoken, 'love makes 
you do the wacky.'"
	Tara almost smiled at that.
	"My judgment is this; I condemn you to choose."
	Tara and Thespia looked at each other in confusion.
	"I don't understand," Tara said.
	"You must make a choice. You may remain in my service, under strict 
supervision, and atone for this mistake...but you will never involve yourself in 
the life of Willow Rosenberg again. You will not see her, you will not speak to 
her. You will leave her alone."
	"Or?" Tara asked in a voice that was suddenly very hoarse.
	"Or...you can be stripped of your godhood, return to Earth, and live as 
a human. You can try to win her heart back."
	Tara opened her mouth to speak, but Aphrodite cut her off.
	"Before you choose, think carefully. You have a chance to try and 
repair the damage you have caused. Or...
	"Think carefully."
	The hall was very, very quiet.

	Willow was watching the sun set. She sat, her knees pulled up to her 
chin, leaning against a pillar. Xander was wandering around somewhere, trying 
to rustle up some food for the two of them.
	"Willow?"
	She turned and saw Tara coming towards her. They were dressed 
alike; white shift, hair hanging loose, bare feet.
	She was so beautiful.
	"Hello," Willow said.
	"Please come with me."
	"No."
	"I need to talk to you, and I'd rather do it in my room."
	"Why? Or is that something else you're keeping from me?"
	Tara sighed and sat down next to Willow.
	"Fine. We'll do it here."
	"Tara, I'm very tired," Willow said. "And I don't know how much 
screaming I can do, so..."
	"I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you," Tara said.
	Willow looked up, surprised. Tara was looking out at the sun, which 
was slowly sliding out of sight.
	"Aphrodite used a scrying glass to show you to me. You were sitting 
on the quad, doing some Psych homework, and...this was right after Oz 
left...you had this trail down your cheek. You'd cried a single tear and you 
didn't even notice it.
	"And I saw you, so...full of life and pain and everything, and so very 
beautiful, and I knew I'd do anything for you.
	"Then Aphrodite showed me everyone else...showed me Buffy and 
Riley and Giles...and then th-there was Xander. He was having a fight with 
Anya over some kind of Anya-nonsense...and I got jealous. I mean, what was 
he doing with her when you needed him? Didn't he see? D-didn't any of them 
see?
	"But I told myself I was a p-professional. So I manifested...I started 
taking classes...and then I met you. And you were...you were everything. You 
were just so red, so vibrant, nothing else compared.
	"I was going to your place that night to talk to you, feel you out...then 
those things attacked."
	Willow shuddered, remembering the night the Gentlemen had come 
after them.
	"My powers on Earth weren't anything like they are here, so I really 
was scared...and then we did that spell. It was like I touched your soul. 
And...and I knew."
	Willow reached out and smoothed back Tara's hair.
	"I never meant it to go on this long," Tara continued. "I knew I 
wanted you, but I kept telling myself I could keep it professional. Like maybe I 
could use this to make Xander jealous...but you decided to keep me kind of a 
secret." She smiled ruefully. 
	The last sliver of the sun finally disappeared, and the night began.
"Then Oz came back, and...I never intended this, Willow. You have to 
believe that."
	"I can't."
	Tara looked at her, shocked.
	"Tara...you lied to me. You've been lying to me as long as I've known 
you. I think I could have taken anything except another lie.
	"I've been sitting here, trying to figure out why I should give you a 
second chance, and I can't come up with anything. This hurts. And I'm still 
so angry with you I can barely think about it."
	Tara was quiet for a few seconds.
	"I understand," she whispered.
	"What?"
	"Will you please do one thing for me?" Tara said, pleading.
	"Tara--"
	"Please."
	"What is it?"
	"Come to my room."
	"And do what?"
	"Sleep with me."
	"Oh, you have got to be kidding me--"
	"Willow," Tara said. "I just mean sleep. I...I don't know what's going 
to happen tomorrow. I j-just...I just want to hold you one more time."
	"How do I know you're not going to try some crazy mojo on me?"
	"I wouldn't do that."
	Willow looked at her.
	"No. No, you wouldn't. You're right." She stood up. "What about 
Xander?"
	"Aphrodite will take care of him."
	"You're sure?"
	"Positive." She took Willow's hand. The two of them walked slowly.
	"I don't know how I can forgive you, Tara."
	"I know," Tara replied. "Don't worry. It'll all be better in the 
morning."

	She awoke slowly, an arm slung over her.
	"Morning," she murmured.
	"Morning," Xander replied.
	Four eyes snapped open.
	Xander and Willow sat up. They looked around. It was Scooby House. 
They were wearing their clothes from yesterday. They lay in a nest of blankets 
in the middle of the pentagram Tara had drawn.
	"What the hell?!" Xander yelled.
	"We're back. We're home," Willow murmured.
	"Last thing I remember was that thingy of Aphrodite's slipping me 
some ambrosia..."
	"And I had just gotten into bed with--" Willow's eyes widened. "Oh, 
God. 'It'll all be better in the morning.'"
	"What?" Xander asked, but Willow was already charging up the stairs, 
the T-shirt flapping as she ran. Xander followed quickly, and screeched to a 
halt at the door to Tara's room.
	It was empty. No, worse; it looked as though no one had ever been 
there, no indentations in the carpet, no tacks in the wall.
	The only objects in the room were a piece of paper, and Willow and 
Tara's candle, which was holding it down.
	Willow moved the candle, which was lit; she set it down and picked 
up the paper.

Willow,

	By now you've realized that I am gone. I am staying on Mount 
Olympus.
	Aphrodite gave me a choice: to stay here and stay out of your lives, or 
to give up my immortality on the chance that you could forgive me. After 
speaking to you, I realized that second choice wasn't going to happen. You 
won't forgive me...and you shouldn't.
	I abused your trust, and I realize know that what I did was 
unforgivable. I would like to think that I could make things go back to the way 
they were, but it's gone too far for that. I love you too much to try and do that.
	Besides, I couldn't forgive myself if I cheated someone else out of their 
chance a second time.
	Be happy, Willow. If you ever think about me, try and think about the 
good stuff. I'm sorry.

I love you,
Tara

	The paper floated slowly out of Willow's hand as she turned to 
Xander.
	"Will?" he asked.
	"She didn't even say goodbye," Willow whispered. Her lower lip 
began to tremble. Xander moved fast; she was in his arms before the first tear 
could fall.
	He held her as she cried, wanting to make it better, and knowing that 
he couldn't.
	A breeze blew through the room. On the floor, the candle that Willow 
and Tara shared went out.

Have you ever loved 
Someone you knew nothing of
Except you'd seen the light inside their eyes?
Have you ever loved 
Someone just because
Nothing felt so easy or so right?

And I think of you like the others do
Wondering if you think of me
And if you do, if you really do
Who is it that you see

Have you ever loved
Whether right or wrong
Have you ever loved someone
Just because?

Have you ever tried
To speak the truth instead of lie
When it seemed you had everything to lose?
Have you ever tried to stand your ground instead of hide
When staying only made you look a fool?

And I stayed by you
Though I think I knew
It wouldn't change a thing
Changes come to our hearts with ease
But they come so hard to me

Have you ever tried 
To make it last, not knowing why
Except you had to try
Just because

And every day that passes now
I s'pose I'm getting older
Wiser with the things I've done
But I hope I don't grow colder

And now I see the ones 
Who've lost so much
They swear they're done
With love and all the chance it brings for pain
But have you ever touched
And by itself it was enough
To make you want to reach out once again

And I'll touch you when I need a friend
Or just a small reminder
That I haven't grown to cold to feel
You penetrate my armor

Have you ever loved
Whether right or wrong
Have you ever loved someone
Just because...
Have you ever loved someone
Just because?
--Mary Chapin Carpenter

All of this is copyright Joss Whedon, except the stuff that isn't.