"This place is haunted. You do know that, right?" Xander looked at the house suspiciously. He walked alongside Buffy, Anya, Willow and Tara towards a house just off-campus from UC Sunnydale. He carried a six-pack of hard cider he'd mooched from his parents' fridge. "What makes you say that?" Willow asked. "Well, come on, can't you see the pattern? We go to a party, some sort of hideous evil is unleashed." "He does have a point," Anya added. "You and Riley aren't planning on having sex at this party, are you?" "No," Buffy said coldly. "Besides, he's hiding out at Giles' tonight." "Will you guys relax?" Willow asked. "This place is different. It's a Wiccan party. No poltergeists, no fear demons, just, y'know, mellowness." "Uh huh. As long as there's chips," Xander said. "I brought ch-chips," Tara said quietly. Xander didn't respond.
"Hello!" said the girl who opened the door. "Blessed be!" "Blessed be," Willow replied and stepped inside. "Blessed be," Tara repeated, following. "Must be the password," Buffy said over her shoulder to Xander. "Blessed be!" "Uh...what they said," Xander muttered. "You're coming in?" the girl asked. "I was hoping to." "Oh. All right." She looked mildly disturbed, but let him inside. "In the name of Gwynefhar, I bring you greetings," Anya said. "What?" the girl asked. "You know. Gwynefhar." Blank look from the girl. "Never mind." Anya walked in, shaking her head.
Xander looked around the party. The house was decorated in a lot of white cloth. It was lit by candlelight; the candles were all around, on sticks, on stands, everywhere there was a flat space. Some sort of Celtic music drifted quietly from the speaker system. The partygoers were engaged in quiet conversation with each other. "Whoa," he said. "I don't know if my heart can stand it." "Relax," Buffy said. "Everyone else is." "Uh...the kitchen's this way," the girl who'd let them in said. "My name's Kristen. Welcome to the house." "I'm Buffy," she said, following her into the kitchen. "This is Xander, and the girl who's looking through your bookcase is Anya. Willow & Tara you already know." "Here ya go," Xander said, handing her the six pack. "Thanks," Kristen said, accepting it with ill grace. She stuffed it into the fridge. "So, um...make yourself at home." "Well, I would, but none of my stuff is here, so..." He wilted under her blank expression. "That was one of those joke things. I hear they're funny. I was obviously misinformed." "Uh huh. Well, enjoy yourselves." She left, leaving Buffy and Xander to look at one another in confusion. "So I've still got just the one head, right?" Xander asked. "As far as I can see. I don't know what her problem is." "Ah, who cares?" Xander reached into the fridge and got out a cider. "Let's party." "Or whatever it is they're doing." As they walked back to the main room, Xander looked at the partygoers more closely. Two young women sat on the floor, deep in discussion. Three girls stood over by the fireplace, laughing about something. On the couch, Willow and Tara were chatting with two other women. Anya was listening intently to a huddle of women who were sitting by the punch... "Oh, shit," he whispered. "What?" "I'm the only guy." "No," Buffy said. "You can't be--" She looked around. "Oh, my God, you are!" "I'm all alone! And I'm surrounded by Wiccans! There isn't another fear demon in here, is there?" "Okay, be cool," Buffy said. "It'll be fine! It's just a party!" "Oh, maaaan..." Buffy led him to an unoccupied couch and sat next to him. "Look, we'll just strike up a conversation with somebody," Buffy said. A pleasantly round brunette wrapped in white linen was on the floor near them. "Hey! Um...great party, huh?" "Yeah," the brunette replied. Then she caught sight of Xander. "Oh. Uh...are you somebody's boyfriend?" "Yes," Xander said. "But people call me Somebody's for short." "His name's Xander," Buffy said, jumping in. "I'm Buffy." "Kailynn," the brunette replied. "I'm sorry," she said to Xander. "We just don't see many males interested in Wicca." "Well, that's me. Sensitive new-age guy. So is this gearing up to something, or are we, like, at the height of Wiccan anarchy?" "Oh, no, it gets better," Kailynn said. "Here." She reached over to the table and handed him a piece of paper. "You have your party _scheduled_?" Buffy asked. "Let's see...Ritual of the Huntress Moon...Charades...Offering to the Goddess...Pictionary... Blessings of Artemis...Pin the Tail on the Donkey." Xander grinned at Kailynn. "What, no spin the bottle?" "Not likely." "Yeah, I know, but you gotta admit, the odds are in my favor." "Mmm." Kailynn shrugged and turned away. "Tough room," Xander said. "Hey!" Willow said, approaching them hand in hand with Tara. "You guys enjoying yourselves?" "Uh, Will? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm the only tripod in the room tonight. What up with that?" "Tripod?" "He means the only guy," Buffy said, smacking him on the arm. "Oh, um..." Tara faltered. "Well, guys don't generally get Wicca, s-so they, y'know, probably wouldn't. Come." "I'm sorry," Willow said. "We can take off if you want." "No, that's cool," Xander said. "I don't think we could get Anya out of here now anyway." "...yes, well, you were totally justified in doing that," Anya was saying nearby. "Although personally, I wouldn't have used Superglue on him. Have you ever tried the Poultice of Gormen?" "What's that?" the girl she was speaking to asked. Around her, a group of girls listened intently. "Well, you mix a little chicken blood with the bones of a fish, and a lock of his hair. Mix it together, utter a prayer to Gormen, add just a touch to his shampoo, and pretty soon his hair will fall out. And I mean _all_ his hair will fall out." "Ooooh," the girl said. "That'd teach Roy to cheat, all right." "Um..." One of the girls raised her hand. "But we're not supposed to do stuff like that. Wicca doesn't have any spells that can hurt people." "Yeah. That's sweet," Anya said, smirking at her. "So anyone wanna know how to make a man's skin turn green?" Several other hands went up.
The sophomores looked each other carefully. The three of them were dressed all in black, except Roy, who was wearing camoflague pants. Dave carried a baseball bat with him; James had a canvas bag full of spray paint. "Okay," Dave said. "We ready?" "Shit yeah," Roy said. "Fuckin' dyke bitch thinks she can Superglue _my_ dick? I'll beat her ass!" "Don't worry," James said. "They'll never know what hit 'em. And they won't try any of that lesbo shit on _our_ campus again." "Masks," Dave said. They each pulled on a black ski mask. "Let's go."
The floor was clear, having made way for Kristen and Kaelynn to begin the Ritual of the Huntress Moon. "...okay," Willow whispered in Xander's ear. "The wine symbolizes a blood sacrifice. They're blessing the house." "Well, that's good." He looked at the schedule. "What's this word?" "Morgaine," Tara added. "'Celebration of Morgaine, to be held in the backyard. Skyclad, weather permitting.' What's 'skyclad' mean?" "Nothing!" Willow & Tara said in unison. Xander looked to Buffy for clarification; she shrugged. "Ssshhh!" Anya shhed. She sat at Xander's feet. "I like this part." "You actually understand what's going on?" "No, Xander, I walked the earth for over a thousand years but this mysterious 'Wicca' is utterly unknown to me." She grinned. "Of course I understand what's going on! I could teach these girls everything they need to know." _Great,_ Xander thought. _My vengeance demon girlfriend understands my best friend better than I do._ "Okay!" Kristen. "I want to thank everyone for coming to this houseblessing party...we've got some new visitors here tonight, I see. Willow and Tara brought a few friends; Buffy, Anya and...what was your name again?" "Xander," he replied. "Right. Well, I hope everyone's made you feel at home, and...ooh! It's time for charades! Who wants to start?" A redheaded girl stood up and began making odd motions. "Book title!" somebody called out. "First word, very short..." "A, an, the--the! Second word..." The redhead tugged her ear--"Sounds like..." and made puckering motions with her lips. "Sounds like kiss! Hiss, Liss, Miss--Mists!" "_The Mists of Avalon!_" Everyone in the room but Buffy, Anya and Xander called out. Much laughter ensued. "I'll be right back," Xander whispered, standing up. "Where are you going?" Buffy asked. "To get a drink," Xander replied. "I'm not nearly drunk enough to deal with this shit."
He was halfway through a bottle of cider when Willow found him in the kitchen. "All right, what's with you and all the lack of fun?" "Nothing," Xander replied. "I just, y'know, I kinda get the feeling that I'm making people uncomfortable. I mean, I just had two girls ask me if I was leaving." "No!" Willow said. "They're saying that because they want to make sure you're _not_ leaving! Because they like you!" Xander smirked doubtfully. "Okay, it's kind of a reach," Willow said. "Come on, don't be Kitchen Guy. Everybody's asking about you." "...can you believe somebody brought a guy to this party?" Two of the girls walked into the kitchen, talking amongst themselves. "I know. I can't--" She stopped when she saw Xander there. Xander looked at Willow accusingly. "See?" she said weakly. "Um, I just remembered the thing," one of the girls stammered out. "Yeah, me too," the other said. They fled. "Okay," Willow said carefully. "Admittedly, that could have been better timed, but--" "Look, it's not just the party. I've been sitting out there watching all this stuff, and it just reminds me that..." He sighed. "I feel like I don't know you anymore." She looked as though she'd been struck. "What?" she whispered. "I mean, this is all important to you, right? The group, and the religion, and...and Tara. And I don't understand it. Any of it." "Xander...look, I'm still me." "Yeah, but who's that?" He sighed and pulled a fresh bottle from the fridge. "Look, I'm gonna take off. Tell Anya I split, willya?" _If she hasn't started her own coven by now..._ Before she could protest, he was walking out the back door.
He downed the rest of the cider and tossed the bottle away. "Oooh, I'm Tara," he said in a singsong voice. "I'm cute and sweet and stutter adorably. Don't mind if I take your best friend away, do ya?" He didn't know why he felt this way. Life was good. Sure, he was on # 25 in an endless series of shit jobs, collect them all, but that was all right. His bills were paid. He had a girlfriend. No, check that. He had an incredible girlfriend who was crazy about him. Quite possibly literally! Sure, he wasn't going to college...sure, he and his friends had kinda grown apart...sure, his best friend in the world had developed feelings for another woman and hadn't told him about it...it's not like he was asking for bulletins or anything, but a heads-up would have been nice. He missed her. He missed her in every sense. He missed being able to just pick up the phone and talk to her. He missed being in the same room with her. "This is never gonna go away, is it?" he asked himself out loud. He leaned against the side of the house. From within, the girls were laughing about something. "You hear that, man?" "Probably laughing at what that bitch did to me." He looked up. Someone was whispering nearby. He heard the steady hiss of an aerosol can from behind the house. Slowly, he moved to the corner and took a peek. Three men, all of them masked, were spray-painting something on the house. One was waving a baseball bat around menacingly. "So you all know the plan, right?" One of them asked. "Sure," the one with the spray can said. "We bumrush the place, smash it up." "Then we grab Janelle and beat her ass," said the one with the bat. Xander leaned back. Okay. Go around the front of the house, find Buffy, and-- "And any other dykes we find, they get a piece of this too!" the bat guy said. He was moving before he realized what he was doing. Bellowing, he charged bat guy. Surprised, he tried to swipe at Xander with the bat. Xander ducked the blow, wrested the bat from his hands, and swung it around, catching bat guy in the arm. Bat guy yelled in pain as the other two charged him. Xander brought the bat up, bunt-style, catching the leader across the bridge of the nose. The leader fell backwards, clutching his nose. Xander bashed spray-can guy in the face with the butt of the bat; it staggered him, but he didn't fall. He punched Xander in the jaw, sending him to the ground. Spray can guy ran towards him, but Xander jabbed him in the stomach with the bat. He went down, wheezing. Xander got up. Bat guy was trying to get to his feet. "Ah ah ah!" Xander yelled. "Down on the ground!" Bat guy hesitated. "This is _not_ the day, shithead!" Bat guy sat down. "All right...now you be good little hate criminals and wait here for--" He was cut off as the leader jumped him from behind. They collapsed next to spray can guy, the bat falling away. The leader began raining down heavy blows on Xander's back. Groaning, the bat just out of reach, he grabbed for the only weapon he could find. The spray paint. He turned as much as he could and sprayed the leader in the eyes. The leader screamed in pain and tried to wipe it out of his eyes, giving Xander room to grab the bat. He brought it around, connecting with the thug's rib cage. The leader groaned slightly, the wind knocked out of him. Furious, Xander got to his feet and headed for bat guy. "Right," he growled. He reached down and yanked bat guy's mask off. "What's your name, ass face?" "R-Roy," he stuttered. He looked less like a tough guy than he did a scared boy now. "Roy." He reached into Roy's pocket and pulled out a wallet. "Well, guess what, Roy. You're gonna need a new driver's license. I'm keeping this one." He glanced at the house, which had a large "D" spray-painted on it in black. "Is there a 'Y,' Pat? You just bought 'em a new paint job, too." He grabbed all the bills in the wallet. "Now where's that license..." "What?!" "Oh, yeah," Xander said, pulling it out of the wallet. "That's right. You know why? Because you're gonna spread the word." "Spread the word." "You're gonna let every one of your frat-boy scumbag friends know that these women are off limits." "I am?" "Yeah." Suddenly, he lay the bat along Roy's neck, putting minimal pressure on it. "You know why? Because if anybody fucks with a single member of that group, I will find you. I got friends in low places, dumbass. You'll be lucky if you just die." "I..." Roy tried to get a breath. "I..." "Look in my eyes and tell me if I'm lying," Xander growled. Roy said nothing. "Who were you gunning for?" Xander asked. "J--Janelle..." "You lost her number. You forgot her address. You don't even know what she looks like. Understand?" Roy nodded furiously. "What's her name?" Roy was silent. "Good boy." Xander stood up, turned to walk into the house. They were all there, staring at him. Willow, Buffy and Anya at the forefront. "Hi," he said. "Time for Pin the Tail on the Donkey?"
"Wow," Anya said, running her fingers through Xander's hair. "I've never seen that side of you before." They were seated on one of the couches at the party, watching Buffy try to find the donkey's tail. "What side is that?" "The avenger." "The avenger?" Xander snorted. "Come on." "I liked it," Anya said. "You were all angry and passionate and...I liked it a lot." "Well...thanks. I guess." "Let's get out of here," she said. "Not yet," Xander said. "I don't wanna miss the Celebration of Morgaine, whatever that is." "Tell you what," Anya said. "I'm gonna get going. And when you come home, I'll be waiting with..." She whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was widened his eyes and deepened the color in his cheeks. "I'll hurry back," he said. They kissed briefly and deeply before she broke away and scampered towards the door. "So," Buffy said, walking towards him. "Not such a bad party after all, huh?" "Nope. All it needed was a touch of violence. Is it bad that I feel better now?" "Just don't make a habit of it." "Um..." The girl that Anya had been speaking with earlier came up to him. "Hi. I'm Janelle." "Oh! Hi. Are you okay?" Xander asked. "Oh, yeah, I'm great. Look...I just want to say that as a Wiccan, I am a firm believer in non-violence. Revenge is a totally futile pursuit that helps nobody." "Okay." "But thank you for beating Roy up." "Don't worry about it," Xander said. "I'm sure he'll have plenty of company in the hoosegow." "The what?" "Hoosegow. Stir. The clink." Xander shrugged. "What, am I the only one here who watches old prison movies?"
When he stepped out onto the front porch, Willow was just finishing a kiss with Tara. They both blushed to see him. "Sorry," he said. "I was just about to take off." "I'd, uh, b-better get ready for the, uh...celebration," Tara said. "Okay," Willow said, hugging her. "If I'm not back in time, start without me." "'Kay." Tara walked sheepishly past Xander into the house. "Wow," he said. "She's _beyond_ shy." "I know. Isn't it cute?" Willow grinned. "Will...look, I just want to apologize for earlier. I was bein' a jerk." "You were kinda." She walked over to him and took his hands. "But so was I kinda. I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about all this stuff." He looked in her eyes for a long moment. "Would you mind if I did something?" "What?" "Call you. Tomorrow night." "What for?" "Just to talk." She smiled. "I'd like that." "Then I'll do that." They hugged. "I was wrong," he said. "I know you." "Sure you do," she said back. "I'm Willow. You're Xander. Nothing's going to change that." "I gotta get going," Xander said, disentangling himself from the embrace. "Anya's waiting for me at home with...well, I can't go into details. It involves lubricants and rubber." "That's okay. We're gonna do the Celebration now anyway." "'Kay. I'll see you later." He walked a few steps and then turned around."Hey, I never found out. What does 'skyclad' mean anyway?" "Um...well, it means 'naked,' actually." He was up the steps in a flash. "Well, I could hang out for a little while longer. Hate to be inhospitable." "Xander..." "Can't be rude." "Xander." "Is Buffy taking part?" "Xander!"
All of this is copyright Joss Whedon, except the stuff that isn't.