The '57 Chevy Bel Air convertible bounced slightly as Xander Harris added a
second case of Yoo-Hoo to the back seat. He examined his handiwork proudly.

"Well, this oughtta last me," he said. Behind him, Buffy Summers, Willow
Rosenberg and Oz watched with amusement. They stood outside the Bronze on a
Friday afternoon in June.

"Until the heart attack kicks in," Oz added.

"Now, are you sure you don't want some company?" Buffy asked. "It's a long
ride from here to Las Vegas."

"Nah, it'll be fine. Besides, Rory's taking the car back once I get there, and
I wouldn't subject you good folks to the bus ride back home."

"Best man at your uncle's wedding!" Willow said as they walked back inside.
"You must be feeling pretty peacocky."

"...I'm not gonna commit myself to that until I know what it means, but I am
pretty stoked to be headed to Vegas!" He pulled out a ragged pile of one
dollar bills. "I'm gonna turn this into a fortune."

"...for a casino owner," Buffy replied. As they spoke, they ordered some
coffee and took a seat at a table.

"I've got a whole blackjack system worked out. I'm gonna break the bank. Not
only that, I'm gonna steal the bank's pens with the little chains on them."

"Uh huh. So who's your uncle marrying?"

"No idea. Last time, it was some dame he met in Barbados."

"Uh...last time?" Oz asked. "This guy's a multiple?"

"What a romantic way of putting it," Willow said, smirking.

"I'm a poet," Oz replied.

"Well, I've met Uncle Rory," Willow continued. "He's what you might call an
eccentric personality."

"Words like scumbag have also been used on occasion," Xander added.

"I think he's sweet!" Willow retorted. "And quite handsome to boot!"

"He's a charmer, sure, but the guy is on the seedy side. I mean, he's family,
I love him, but I wouldn't trust him with my wallet, you know?"

"Every family's got a black sheep," Buffy said, shrugging.

"My entire family is black sheep," Xander replied. "We could start a business
making sweaters for Goths. Out of wool. Black wool. Because Goths wear black."
He sighed. "Never mind."

"I got it," Willow said sympathetically.

"I'm off my game. Normally, at this point, Cordelia strolls by and tells us
all how much we suck. It kept me sharp."

"Aw, don't worry, buddy," Buffy said, "I'll always be glad to tell you how
much you suck."

"Did she get off all right, not that I care, because I don't?" Willow asked.
"I didn't see her leave the party and I know she was leaving the next
morning..."

"Oh, she, uh, she's fine. I saw her off."

Six eyes focused on him.

"You saw her off?" Willow asked carefully.

"Yyyyyyyyyyyes," Xander said finally. "We sort of...you know, she was leaving
town, and...our relationship went on a long time, and it...when there's
passion like that in a relationship, it would almost be a shame to...okay,
somebody stop me before I have to finish this sentence."

"Oh. My. God." Willow blushed bright red and covered her mouth in shock.

"So a little goodbye...thingy with the Cordster!" Buffy snickered.

"Uncanny, X-man," Oz added. "Hey, I gotta get to practice."

"And I will be joining him," Willow said. "Somebody's got to wave the lighters
at the end of the set. Have a good time at the wedding, Xander."

"Thanks. Call you when I get there."

"Wowee," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Don't take this the wrong way, Xander,
but between Faith and Cordelia, you have some pretty warped taste in women."

"Not all of them," he said, watching Willow leave hand-in-hand with Oz. "Not
all of them."

"Okay," Rory Harris said into the phone. He was seated in the Tom Jones suite
at the Aquapolis Hotel, one of the new "family" resorts that had invaded--and,
in Rory's opinion, polluted--Las Vegas in recent years. He was speaking with
his sister-in-law, Xander's mother. "Yeah, I'll make sure he
calls. Okay! Love you too, sis."

Rory hung up the phone sadly. He wasn't quite sure, but he thought he felt
guilty about...something or other. Whatever it was, it disappeared when
Laetitia came into the room, her long, black dress reaching past her feet, so
that she had a permanent "blossom" at the bottom. She wore
all her dresses like that. Her hair, dyed green for her job, hung past her
waist.

"Is he coming?" she asked.

"Oh, sure. Xander wouldn't miss this for the world! He's a good kid. He's..."
He tried to think. "He...he's coming here..."

"Of course he is, darling," Laetitia said, gently caressing the left side of
Rory's face. "He's going to be your best man. We couldn't have a ceremony
without him."

"No...no, I guess we couldn't..."

"You do still want a ceremony, don't you?"

"Ceremony..."

"And then the wedding night..."

"Yes...the wedding night..." He put his arms around his fiance and held her
against him. "I'm looking forward to that."

"So am I, sweetie, but not til then." She licked the tip of his nose. "You're
just going to have to control yourself for a while." She kissed him and broke
away from his embrace. "I'm due in the main tank. See you for dinner?"

"You know it, honeybunny," Rory said. He sounded alert and lively, but his
eyes were glazed with lust. He watched her go, thinking of the wedding
night...finally, the wedding night...

Xander had been unimpressed by the trip to Las Vegas. He was expecting and
almost actively hoping for the kind of strange encounters Hunter Thompson had
written about in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Instead, all he got was sand
and the odd hitchhiker.

By the time he crossed the Nevada state line, he was out of Yoo-Hoo, out of
sunscreen and almost out of gas. However, the old beast of a car finally made
it over the finish line; the sun was just setting as he pulled up in front of
the Aquapolis resort.

"Whoa," he said as he looked up at it; the thing was huge and blue and damn
near all glass. It was shaped like a giant teardrop...or maybe a Hershey's
kiss. Behind it, he could see the slides of the water park that was part of
the resort.

"Your keys, sir?" the valet asked.

"Oh, sure. Here. Uh...clean it up a little, willya? It's a loaner."

"Sure thing." The valet hopped in and slowly drove the thing away. As he did,
Xander saw Rory emerge from the hotel's automatic doors.

He looked...different. It was nothing Xander could name; Rory was in his early
forties, with a handsome mug and a large lantern jaw. He was prone to wearing
really loud shirts and black pants, and his salt and pepper hair was
impeccably groomed. Still, he looked a little off.

"How's my favorite nephew?" Rory asked, enfolding Xander in your basic manly
embrace.

"Still pickin' bugs out of his teeth," said Xander. "You weren't waiting for
me long, were you?"

"Ah, I wasn't waiting at all. I just told parking to let me know when the
sweetest ride of the day came in, 'cause I knew you'd be behind the wheel. How
is the car, by the way? Didn't scratch it, didja?"

"Well, I did have to run a couple of people over with it. No biggie."

"Good man." Rory led him inside. Xander relaxed a little; Rory shared a sort
of lame-joke rapport with him and hadn't even questioned the crack about
running people over. Of course, it had been the truth, but that wasn't the
point.

"So when am I gonna meet the little woman?" Xander asked as they walked past
the craps tables. "And more importantly, when do we gamble?"

"Relax, kid," Rory said. "Let's get you into a suit first. You don't wanna
walk around lookin' like a rube, do ya?"

"Hate to tell you this, Rory, but I don't have a suit. Dry goods cost money,
and I don't got."

"I got it covered. The hotel's comping me on this one. You're, what, 40 long?"

"Uh...I dunno. Why is the hotel comping you a suit?"

"They're comping me the whole suite! This is my career now! Professional
gambler. You should see me at the poker tables. I frighten myself."

"You frighten me, too. I thought they tossed you out of Atlantic City for
countin' cards. Isn't that why you picked up that taxidermy gig?"

"Yeah, well, when I racked up that last DUI during my last visit to the ol'
hometown, I decided it was time to get the act together, so I came out here. I
know a couple of
people in the trade, I paid my dues and now I'm back in. Besides, I came to an
understanding with some people. A ten percent understanding."

"Ahhhhh." They stepped into the elevator; Rory hit 44.

"Forty-four? Is there even air up there?"

"You're not scared of heights, are ya?" Rory asked.

"No, they're fine, as long as they stay, you know, up there. Away from me."

"Relax," Rory said. "You'll never believe this view."

"I can't believe this view!" Xander said into the phone. "I can see your house
from here!"

"I'm just glad you got there all right," Willow replied. "So how's Rory?"

"He's done all right for himself," Xander replied. "He's got this total Rat
Pack lifestyle going on. I keep expecting him to offer me a martini. Hey,
speaking of rats, how's Amy?"

"Getting wheel exercise."

"And how are you?"

"Oh, I'm getting wheel exercise too. Later on, I'm going to pee on some wood
chips."

"Well, once urine enters the conversation, it's time to get off. You gonna be
up later?"

"Probably."

"I'll give you my report on my new aunt."

"Have fun."

Xander hung up and checked himself out in the mirror. A black suit, white
shirt, checked yellow tie.

"Damn, I look good," he said, and shot himself a wink. "Say, there, Ms.
Monroe, care to take a Jacuzzi with me?"

"Hey, Dino," Rory said, stepping into the room. "You ready to swing?"

"Absolutely, daddy-o," Xander replied. "And other such swing terminology."

"Great! Our table's waiting. What's your poison? Martini?"

They were shown to a plush booth in the darkened theater. The Aquarium, as it
was called, was home to the Mermaid Revue, which was some kind of water
aerobics show.

"So what does Aunt Whatsername do anyway?" Xander asked.

"She's a mermaid," Rory replied. "Two steaks, two martinis," he said to the
waiter.

"And fries, please," Xander added. "Whaddaya mean, a mermaid?"

"I mean she gets into a mermaid getup and swims around for our amusement."

"Huh. What's her name?"

"Laetitia. Ain't that sweet? Lae-teeee-sha."

Xander smiled. He couldn't recall seeing Rory this happy before. But
still...something was...

Before he could focus on whatever it was, the lights dimmed. The curtain in
front of the stage opened to reveal an enormous water tank made up to look
like a regular aquarium, down to the little castle at the bottom. Several
tropical fish swam about.

Then a light behind the tank turned on, and Xander
could see six women swimming around. All six of them wore shimmering tails,
and their movements were perfectly synchronized.

Next, the front lights came on. As the audience applauded, Xander
realized--they were all topless.

"Aw, jeez, Rory!" he said, covering his eyes.

"Whatsamatter? You don't like ta-tas?"

"Not when they're on a family member!"

"She ain't a family member yet, kid. Come on, just watch. It's okay. It's
artistic."

"I'm eighteen, Rory," Xander said, reluctantly lowering his hands. "Ain't no
such thing as artistic nudity."

"She's the one with the really long hair. See?"

"Which one are--daaaaaamn." He shook his head. "Oh, man, do they even have a
name for this kind of complex?"

"Relax. Eat your steak." The waiter appeared as he said this, placing two
sizzling steaks in front of them. "Isn't she beautiful?"

"Yeah, Rory." He looked closer. "Matter of fact, she's way too cute to be
joining this family."

"I thought you had a complex."

"I'm gettin' over it."

After the show, and with much persuasion, Rory took Xander backstage to meet
Laetitia. He walked past the other mermaids, all in various stages of undress,
but he was having a hard time ogling tonight.

Then he saw her, seated at a makeup table, wrapping her hair in a towel. She
wore another towel around her waist, as long as one of her dresses.

And that was it.

She turned around at the sound of Rory's voice and smiled.

"Darling!" she said, reaching out her hands, and causing the aforementioned
ta-tas to bounce in a way that would have made Xander very happy in any other
situation. "And this must be Xander!"

"Uh..." Deep breath, he thought furiously. Hello. Nice to breast you. Hello.
Nipple to meet you. Hello. Nice to meet you--got it! "Hello!" he almost
screamed. "Nice to meet you!"

"It's such a pleasure to meet you, too," she replied. "Rory's told me so much
about you."

"Well, I, uh, haven't been told so much about you! Like your obvious pride in
your bodily structure and your disdain for the fashion world! Dear God, shut
up, Xander!"

"He's eighteen," Rory said by way of explanation. "Tell you what, sweetie, why
don't you slip into something less comfortable and meet us in the lounge."

"Oh, of course, honey," Laetitia said, crossing her arms over her breasts in a
gesture that, if anything, Xander found even more arousing. "See you there."

"See you..." Xander allowed Rory to lead him away, casting one glance back at
his soon-to-be aunt.

"Isn't she somethin'?" Rory asked.

"She's...she's quite a gal, Rory. How did you two meet?"

"Actually, I met her on the beach in Sunnydale. I was tossin' back a bottle of
Schnapps after midnight, and I saw her skinny-dippin' in the moonlight. She
invited me in for a little while, and..." He trailed off. "She's quite a gal,
isn't she?"

"She's really something," Xander agreed.

"I can't wait for that wedding night."

"Yeah, me eith--" Xander shook his head. "Uh...you're waiting for the wedding
night?"

"Is that all that surprising, Xander?"

"Well, it's just that, when I think of you, chaste isn't one of the adjectives
that springs to mind--"

"Yes," said a voice behind them, "but darling Rory would do anything for me."
Xander felt her silken hand rest briefly on his shoulder as Laetitia came up
behind them, bent down in front of her fiance, and kissed him deeply.

Having already seen what he generally thought of as the good stuff, Xander was
surprised to find how alluring Laetitia--his aunt in 48 hours, he struggled to
remind himself--looked now. Her green hair was elegantly piled on top of her
head, and she wore a long, black, strapless evening gown, revealing her pale
shoulders.

"My family is very traditional," she continued. "They like everything to be
done according to the old ways."

"Ah. And will your family be attending? Including, say, any distant cousins
about 18 years of age that look like you?"

"No, they couldn't make it. They're in Greece."

"I offered to spring for the tickets, but my sweetie wouldn't hear of it,"
Rory said, his eyes never leaving Laetitia.

"They'll get to meet you soon enough," Laetitia purred. Rory and Xander
watched in silence as she sipped from a wine glass. "Well, I'm hardly used to
being the center of attention like this." She looked at Rory and smirked. "I
bet I know what you're thinking."

"Yes..." Rory whispered.

Xander felt his eyes droop. The temperature seemed to be rising around the
table...

"You're aching to rip this dress off me, throw me down on this table, and make
me moan like a banshee. Aren't you, lemon drop?"

"You...know I am, sweetiepie."

"That's what I thought. And Xander, you're thinking the same thing, aren't
you?"

"Yes..." Xander felt sleepy but alive with tension at the same time. "I sure
do want that. With the throwing down and the ripping off."

"I bet you've waited eighteen years to do that."

"...No, not really."

Laetitia's nose crinkled--oh, what a lovely crinkle!--and she stretched out a
hand. "Xander, would you please give me your hand?"

Wordlessly, Xander reached out and presented his trembling right hand.
Laetitia took it and held it. She closed her eyes, as if in concentration.
Then she released it and glared at Rory.

"He is not what I need!" she hissed.

"But...but sugar woogie..."

"Don't sugar woogie me! You made a specific promise, and you didn't deliver!"

"Um...excuse me..." Xander shook his head vigorously. "Was I just
hyp-mo-tized?"

Laetitia stood up and walked away from the table, Rory hot on her...

Heels?

Xander stared at Laetitia as she headed for the elevators. She wasn't walking
so much as she was gliding, as though she was on a dolly under that dress.

The dress that reached all the way to the ground and didn't expose an inch of
leg.

Or feet.

"Will!" Xander shouted when he heard the phone picked up. "Will, I need--"

"Xander?" Ira Rosenberg's voice came back at him. "Are you all right?"

"Mr. Rosenberg! Hello! Me? Yes. Fine. Just...excited! I'm in Vegas and I
won...uh...money. And a steak. Is Willow there?"

"Just a second."

Xander tapped his foot impatiently as he stared at the Las Vegas skyline in
the dark.

"Xander?" Willow finally said. "Are you okay?"

"Who, me? Oh, yeah, sure, fine. Listen, I saw something in one of Giles' books
during one of our research jaunts. It's a female vampire with the legs of a
snake."

"Snakes don't have legs."

"You know what I mean! Where legs should be, there's snake instead!"

"Here, hold on. I think I know what you're talking about." There was a sound
of rustling pages. "Okay, here it is; a lamia. A monster in woman's form; part
siren, part vampire, who preys upon honest men, stealing their hearts and
souls, and then destroys them through the ultimate betrayal. Definition number
two says A callous, faithless enchantress. And I want you to know, there's
several Cordelia-related comments I could be making, but choose not to."

"Honest men? How'd she end up with Rory?" Xander asked. "Never mind. Does it
say how to kill them?"

"...Xander, what's going on?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Just curious how to kill a female vampire with the
legs of a snake. Actually, I'm trying to settle a bar bet. Some guy said that
those things were called labia, and I know that's not true, right?"

"Xander, you're wigging."

"My uncle is marrying one of these things!" Xander finally shouted. "He met
her in the water off Sunnydale! I don't know how they got out here, but--"

There was a frenzied knock on the door.

"Xander!" Rory shouted. "Lemme in!"

"It doesn't say anything here about how to kill them," Willow said. "I'm going
to call Buffy and--"

"And tell her what? Get in your non existent car and drive twelve hours to
bury me?"

"XANDERRRRR!" Rory yelled from the other side of the door.

"Look, Rory's here," Xander said. "Can you be Net Girl for a minute and see if
there's anything on how to kill one of these things?"

"Be careful," Willow replied, and hung up. Xander turned off the phone and
grabbed a bottle of champagne out of an ice bucket. Holding it like a club, he
opened the door. A pale and haggard Rory Harris spilled into the room and
scampered away from the door.

"She's after me!" he shouted. "She's after me!"

"I'll bet she is. Rory, I don't know how to tell you this, but...Laetitia's a
vampire. She's what's called a lamia. That's how she was able to Kreskin us in
the lounge just now."

Rory looked at him in confusion for a moment.

"I know," he replied.

"Now, I realize it's kind of hard to--you know?! Then what the hell are you
doing marrying her, you moron?"

"I can't help it! She's got me, Xander. She's got me good." He seemed to calm
down as he told the story. "She got me in the water...took some blood. Got me
in her thrall. I was coming out here, and I convinced her to come...I mean,
Sunnydale's packed fat with vampires, anyway, right? And the Mayor was--"

"You know about all this?!" Xander ranted.

"I do now. She told me. We've been out here for months. She steals my
blood...she steals my love...a little more each day. The wedding night was
gonna be it...my last night...but then I sort of had an idea."

"And what was that?"

"A virgin sacrifice."

Xander's eyes narrowed. "You'd better be talking about one of those chicks
that work at Caesar's, Rory."

"I'm sorry..."

"You...I don't believe this! What makes you think I'd still be a virgin by
this time?"

"Well...just sort of a general sense that you have a hard time getting girls
to talk to you."

"Are you trying to make me hit you?" Xander asked, enraged. "Anyway, I hate to
tell you, but that cherry's been popped!"

"Really?"

"YES, REALLY! Unbelievable!"

"Look, you don't know what it's like! I can't think straight, I've barely
gotten any rest in months...I know she's gonna kill me, but I love her so
much!"

"You brainless scumbag!" Xander yelled. "You were gonna feed me to her!"

"Oh, come on!" Rory shouted back. "Haven't you been so in love with someone
that you'd do anything? Haven't you ever done something for the sake of a
woman that was so hurtful to your friends, you can't even see yourself doing
it? Haven't you ever betrayed your closest friends in the name of love?"

"NO!" Xander yelled. Then he thought about it for a moment. "All right, once.
Maybe twice. But I'm your favorite nephew!"

"And she's Laetitia," Rory said.

Xander shook his head furiously and turned for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Home!"

"But she's after us!"

"Us?!" Xander turned back. "What's this Us jazz, monkey boy? She's after you.
Have a nice honeymoon, moron!"

"Please, Xander!" Rory got himself up on his knees. "You gotta help me! You
know about this kinda stuff! I'll do anything!"

"Rory, it doesn't matter what..." An idea occured to Xander. "Anything," he
said.

"Anything!"

"I want the car."

"...what?"

"I want the car."

"Which car?"

"The old-school Batmobile. Which car do you think, you doorknob?! The '57
Chevy Bel Air convertible! Your car!"

"But..."

"This is a non-but situation, Rory!"

"All right, all right!" Rory scowled. "The car is yours."

"Pinky swear?" Xander extended a hand, pinky outstretched.

"Pinky swear," Rory replied, shaking fingers with his nephew.

"All right. I've got somebody working on this. She's gonna let us know what to
do."

"...so I'd say that fire and head removal are the best ways to go," Willow
said on the phone a few minutes later. "Holy water might not be a bad idea."

"Las Vegas? Not quite known for its religious community, Wil."

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"I'm going to get Rory out of this hotel. I've already got the car waiting
downstairs."

"Look, I'm going to be sitting by the phone all night until I hear from you.
We can still drive out there..."

"In the Giles-mobile? Look, it's just one thingy. Fire. The head. I'm all over
it. So no stakes, huh?"

"I don't think so."

"Ahh, I couldn't get one past the ta-tas anyway."

"What are ta-tas?" Willow asked. Xander had to smile. "Come on, I've never
heard that one before!"

"Don't ever change, Wil," Xander said fondly.

"Let me know what's happening," she replied. There was a long pause. "I'm not
going to say goodbye."

"I'll talk to you later, Wil," Xander said quietly, and hung up the phone.

"Okay, Rory," Xander said, standing up. "Let's roll. You got everything?"

"Uh...lighter, bottle of Scotch, pair of scissors."

"All right. Let's do it."

Xander walked up to the door, opened it, and was immediately knocked to the
ground. He saw a peach-and-green colored blur head over him and make for Rory.

"DUCK!" Xander shouted. Rory did. The thing sailed over Rory's head and
collided with the wet bar. Rory ran for the door as Xander got a good look.

From the waist up, she looked the same. And naked. Below, there was a ten foot
long tail, shining in the light. And naked from the waist up. Her face was in
full vamp mode, the brows larger and sinister. Plus she was naked. Xander
tried to focus on the task at hand.

"You!" he shouted. "Uh...thing of e-evil! I command thee to...leave. Please."

"Xander," it hissed. Then its face reverted to the beautiful Laetitia's.
"Xander, my boy. You don't have to be a sacrifice...you're young and strong.
You and I...we could roam together for years."

"Well, uh...fun though that sounds..."

Laetitia propped herself up on her tail and slid towards him.

"Don't pretend you don't want to," she crooned.

"Oh, God," Xander moaned. "Unsexy things...Acid rain, dead puppies, monkeys
with handguns..."

"Give yourself to me and this body can be yours..."

Xander closed his eyes, but could still feel the heat of the thing's body next
to him. Think, think, think of turn-offs...Cordelia on a bad hair day...Buffy
covered with vampire ash...Angel at any given moment...

"Just say yes, my pretty little boy," she whispered in his ear. Her tongue
gently stroked the side of his neck...

Oh God, oh God, oh God, just say yes, this can't be that bad...Willow will
call out the cavalry and--

Willow.

Xander opened his eyes.

"Don't think so," he choked out.

She vamped out again, her fingers digging into his neck.

"Fine," she growled. "I'll just eat you up all at once!"

There was a sound of shattering glass as Rory brought the bottle of Scotch
down on top of her head. She fell forward, shrieking in pain.

"You stay away from my nephew," he growled.

"Mortal idiot!" she shrieked. She charged forward and slammed Rory into the
wall. "My beauty was a gift for you, and now you dare spurn me?! You should
BEG me to take your life's blood!" She drove a fist into Rory's stomach.

"If I beg, will you stop doing that?" Rory whined.

"HEY!" Xander was standing in front of the huge window. "You know, I don't see
why he should have to beg you for anything. I mean, I've seen him date
better-looking women."

Laetitia de-vamped and turned to stare at him.

"Don't be ridiculous," she said. "The lamiae are irresistable to all men."

"I resisted you. And not just because I remembered...someone special. I mean,
green hair? The punk thing's played out. And I'm starting to see a little
spare tire right about where you turn into a snake..."

"Xander," Rory hissed warningly.

"And what's up with that, anyway? I mean, I'm a leg man myself."

Laetitia revamped and snarled, enraged.

"I was merciful to all the other poor, deluded males who gave themselves to
me. I shall not be merciful to you."

"...and then there's the crow's feet," Xander said,
as though she hadn't spoken. "I guess immortality doesn't always leave a gal
looking her best, huh?"

"I will have that mocking tongue torn from your mouth!" she screamed.

"And then there's the ta-tas," Xander continued. "I've got just one word for
you: silicone."

Laetitia shrieked at the top of her lungs and went barrelling forward, intent
on Xander's throat. He waited until the last moment, then ducked to the right.
Still screaming, Laetitia went through the window and plummetted the 44
stories...

...into the swimming pool below.

"Well," Rory said. They sat in the ruined remains of the suite. The manager,
head of security and two local cops had just been to visit. Laetitia was gone;
witnesses had seen something emerge from the swimming pool and escape, but no
one could say what.

Rory had gone into full smoothness when the authority figures arrived,
painting Xander as a crazy mixed-up kid who, while watching The Kids are
Alright, had been inspired to start trashing the suite and throwing stuff out
the window. A few well-placed hundred dollar bills had served to keep the good
will.

"Well," Xander replied. "How do you feel?"

"Better," Rory said. "Lighter. Will she...she won't come back, will she?"

"I don't think so. She's gonna have to hole up and lick her wounds for a
while. Besides, after that speech, I'd say she's probably more pissed off at
me than you."

"Us Harris boys, we got a way with the ladies," Rory said. He pulled a cigar
from his jacket and bit off the end.

"Damn...I'd better call Willow," Xander said, standing up. "Where's the
phone?"

"Over by the bar. This Willow...she the popper?"

"The popper? Oh. No. She's the, uh..." Xander rubbed his eyes. "She's just one
of the many unrequited loves of my life."

"How many are there?"

"Two still living," Xander said, picking up the phone. "The other one sorta
dissolved. And Cordy...I guess she was pretty requited, but a love of my life?
I dunno."

"You wanna take some advice from a mature adult?"

"The one that was gonna marry Snake Chick? The one that tried to feed me to
her? Sure, why not, I could use the laughs."

"Don't have a great unrequited love of your life. Have a painful breakup, have
a beautiful moment, but don't have anything unrequited."

Xander looked at Rory, who was staring at the hole in the window that his
fiance had made not an hour before.

"There's nothing worse than not knowing 'what if,'" Rory said quietly.
Xander dialed Willow's number.

"Are you all right?" she said, picking up halfway through the first ring.
"Where are you? Are you okay? I'll come kick their asses!"

"I'm fine," Xander said quietly. "It was easy. You know, in the sense that it
was insanely difficult and dangerous."

"Oh," Willow said, sighing in relief.

"Thanks for all your help, Wil," he said quietly.

"What's the matter?" she asked. "Didn't you take care of the bad thingy?"

"Oh, yeah, that's cool," Xander replied. "I just...I'm just a little tired."

"Okay. I'll see you soon. Do you wanna go to a show in Monterey? Oz's band is
opening for Me First & the Gimme Gimmes!"

"Oz...sure. Sounds great. Good night, Will."

"Night!"

Xander turned off the phone and sat down next to Rory.

"Well," he said.

"Well," Rory replied.

For a moment, they both stared out at the Las Vegas skyline, a million lights
shimmering at them out of the darkness, each of them a lonely candle in the
night.

"So!" Xander said. "There any more topless revues in this place?"

Laetitia choked back her nausea as she swam through the sewer system. From
here, she could just barely smell the salt air of the ocean, miles and miles
away.

The ocean. And from there, Sunnydale.

Someday.

"But, ah, it was a thousand years ago
I took the lovely lamia for bride...
And nevermore shall they that meet me know
It is a thousand years since I have died."
--"Lamia," Clark Ashton Smith

All of this is copyright Joss Whedon, except the stuff that isn't.