i t ' s . w r o n g . t o . w i s h . o n . s p a c e . h a r d w a r e

It's wrong to wish on space hardware
[by victoria p.]

Rating: G

Summary: She makes sure the new bits and pieces get broke in the right way, so as they fit with the old, everything working together to keep her girl in the air.

Spoilers: for the movie

Notes: Thanks to Flora for looking it over. Title from "A New England" by Billy Bragg.

Date: January 3, 2006

When she and Simon finally get together, after months of her carrying that torch, it takes a while for the shiny to wear off. She holds hard to him, losing herself in their grappling so she don't have to think about other things, like the way Zoe sleeps in the common area these days, when she sleeps at all, and the way Mal wanders at night, more rudderless than ever without Zoe to ground him, guide him in that silent, knowing way she has.

When she's not with Simon, she spends her time tinkering with Serenity, the one thing in the 'verse she can control these days, and she knows how important it is, to all of them. She makes sure the new bits and pieces get broke in the right way, so as they fit with the old, everything working together to keep her girl in the air. If her lines are a little different, her corners sharper, her shadows deeper, Kaylee pretends not to notice. She knows, though; don't hardly have to be a genius mechanic to see that. Serenity ain't the same boat Wash used to pilot, which is good, 'cause it might be too painful for everyone if she was. Still, the differences hurt, too, and Kaylee tries to make her peace with them.

At night, she sneaks out from under the heavy weight of Simon's arm and slips away to the engine room to keep things running smooth, to whisper to Serenity, making sure she knows she's still loved, still in good hands, that the Captain wouldn't trust her to just anybody, that River's shaping up to be a fine pilot, and Kaylee will always be there to take care of her.

Captain finds her there sometimes, and she can sense an ease in him when he sits next to her, an unbending she don't see too often anymore. They sit with their backs against the wall, shoulders pressed together warm and sure, the gentle vibrations from Serenity's engines lulling them into a doziness that's good for sharing secrets, hopes and dreams.

"Doc treating you all right?" he asks.

She always says yes, and it's always the truth.

Something flashes 'cross his face, but she ain't sure what it is. All he says is, "Good," and wraps an arm around her, drops a kiss on her hair. She rests her head on his shoulder and falls asleep with the soft hum of Serenity's heart beating in her veins and the warm strength of her Captain beside her. Safest place she's ever been, even if there's them as don't see how she can keep putting her trust in Malcolm Reynolds after what she's seen and done, and had done to her, on his account. Kaylee's got no truck with folk like that.

Usually, she wakes up alone, blanket from her hammock tucked 'round her shoulders. Sometimes, the best times, he falls asleep too, and they wake up together. He gets up all stiff and grumpy, like sleeping is something to be 'shamed of, so mostly she pretends to still be asleep and watches him through her lashes. She wouldn't trade the small smile on his face he only ever gives to her, the feather-light brush of his fingers over her cheek, or the quick kiss on her forehead before he goes, for anything.

She wonders if he knows that. Wonders if she can ever tell him.

She can't rightly say when things go wrong with Simon. Maybe it's more truthsome to say they weren't never really right to begin with, not like she used to dream of when she was little. But it gets more obvious once the first flush of her lust is worked off and a few months have passed since Miranda. Life is a mite easier with the Alliance easing off, and Parliament too busy protecting its own self to bother with them for the moment, and work starts picking up again.

Simon starts talking about leaving Serenity, maybe finding a place on one of the middle planets, not too close to the core, but not out on the rim. Kaylee don't want to leave Serenity, but that ain't the real problem. The real problem is, she knows Simon ain't gonna ask her to, and even if he does, she wouldn't go. She ain't found a way to tell him that yet. She ain't sure he's gonna care.

It ain't her word that puts a stop to his talking, but River's. She wrinkles her nose, pats his hair and tells him to stop spouting fei huá, and there's an end to it.

Next time the Captain sits with Kaylee in the engine room after everyone else is asleep, he don't put an arm around her, and he don't relax, neither. "Doctor ain't leaving." He don't look at her when he says it.

"No." Don't matter none, though, 'cause Simon's already left her, if he was ever really with her to start. She just needs to say the words to make it all official-like, 'cause she knows he never will. He don't want to hurt her, and he'll probably never see how he already has.

"He could leave," the Captain goes on like she ain't said nothing. "We've done without a medic before. Will again if we have to." He looks down at his hands, laying loose in his lap. "Can't do without a mechanic, though."

She reaches over, laces her fingers through his, noticing he's got grease under his nails, same as she does. "Won't ever have to." She sounds like she has a cold or something, voice all scratchy and soft, and her chest feels kind of achy.

"Good." Captain sounds like he's got the same illness; his fingers tighten around hers, telling her everything he can't bring himself to say. He rests his cheek against her hair, and she feels the tension in him drain away. They fall asleep listening to the hum of the engines, and he's still there in the morning when she wakes.

end

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