t h e . m u t a n t . b r i d e

The Mutant Bride
[by victoria p.]

Rating: PG

Summary: Classic fairy tale adventure. Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, Beasts, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.

Notes: Thanks Dot, Meg, Jen, and Pete.

// // indicates reality intruding on Rogue's dream

Prologue

The mutant known to most of her friends only as Rogue lay propped up against a bank of pillows, her face wan in the afternoon light.

Her best friends, Kitty and Jubilee, burst into the living room, carrying a stack of DVDs.

"Hola, chica," Jubi sang out. "How's our little Camille today?"

"Camille died," Rogue answered dryly. "I'm recovering."

"Oh." Jubilee shrugged. She wasn't one to worry about minor details. "We've got some movies to aid in your convalescence, including your all-time favorite and mine, 'The Princess Bride.'"

She smiled. "Convalescence? You've been spending time with Hank again, huh, Jubes?"

Jubilee grinned back. "I like the Hankster. He's the man. He's always got a stash of Twinkies."

Rogue laughed, which quickly turned into a coughing fit. Kitty and Jubilee exchanged concerned glances. "Stop it!" Rogue exclaimed, once she was able to speak again. "Just stop looking at me like that. It's bad enough I've got everyone else in this place hovering over me, don't you two do it, too."

"If Logan were here--" Kitty began hesitantly.

"Well, he's not," Rogue snapped. "And I don't want anyone calling him to come back. He made his choice when he walked out of here three years ago, and I haven't heard from him since." She began coughing again, and Kitty decided to drop it.

Everyone had expected the gruff Canadian to come back to Westchester -- after all, he'd promised to protect Rogue, and left his dog tags as a tangible reminder of his promise.

After the first year passed with no word, Rogue put the tags away and started moving on with her life.

She'd recently contracted a new strain of the flu, which had deepened into pneumonia by the time she'd agreed to let Jean examine her.

It had been touch and go for a while, and she knew, from the few times she was lucid, that Hank and Jean had wanted to call Logan back to heal her, while Scott argued against it. She made sure to tell them, repeatedly, that they weren't to contact him at all. Since she'd been running a fever of one hundred and three at the time, she wasn't sure they'd understood, but once she was better, she'd made her wishes known more clearly, and they'd respected them. So far. She knew Jean feared a relapse, and at that point, she figured, they'd contact him regardless of what she wanted. It just made her more determined to get well.

It was a long, slow process, however, and she'd gotten antsy lying in her room all day for the past week and a half. Hence this trip down to the rec room and the appearance of her favorite movies.

"Oh, Remy would be perfect as Westley," Jubilee sighed. She was forever going on about how swoony her boyfriend was, much to the dismay of her friends.

"No way! Bobby is more like Westley than Remy," Kitty defended *her* boyfriend hotly.

"Please," Rogue said tiredly, "We all know Scott is the Westley of the X-Men. And Jean is his Buttercup."

"I don't know, Roguey. You'd make a pretty good Buttercup," Jubilee pointed out. She knew how beloved Rogue was amongst the inhabitants of the mansion, even if Rogue didn't.

"Yeah, right. What kind of fairy tale has an untouchable princess?" the southerner responded, blushing slightly. She thought she'd hidden her crush on Scott pretty well. He thought of her as his little sister, which was fine with her. She wouldn't have ever wanted to break him and Jean up. They were the perfect couple.

"Every fairy tale, stupid," Jubilee said exasperatedly.

"Hey, you know you're not supposed to call each other stupid in front of the kids," Scott said, coming in, sitting down next to Rogue and pulling her to rest against him.

Some of the younger kids trooped in, having followed the leader of the X-Men, who figured this was as good a way as any to keep them occupied and out of his hair.

Rina, one of the youngest children at the school, turned to Jubilee and asked, "What movie is this?" as the opening credits rolled.

"'The Princess Bride,'" Scott answered.

"Does it got any sports in it?" asked Thomas, a young boy who could breathe under water.

Jubilee replied, "Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, Beasts, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles."

"Hmph. It doesn't sound too bad," the boy replied.

"It's my favorite," Rogue interjected. "I'm gonna try and stay awake."

Scott smiled, since he knew, as did Jubilee and Kitty, that Rogue would be asleep before Westley left for America. He gently brushed one of her white locks behind her ear and said, "Of course, Rogue."

"Really, I am."

He nodded. "Of course, you are." And when, ten minutes later, her eyes were closed and her breathing even, he dropped a gentle kiss on her hair and told Jubilee to lower the volume, so Rogue could get some much-needed rest.

***

Rogue was raised on a small farm in the country of West Chester. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy who worked there. He was a mutant, as were most of the people in West Chester. He could shoot percussive beams from his eyes. His name was Scott. But she never called him that. Nothing gave Rogue as much pleasure as ordering Scott around.

"Farm boy," Rogue said imperiously, "varnish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

With a bow of his head, Scott replied, "As you wish."

'As you wish' was all he ever said to her.

Rogue held out two empty pails. "Farm boy," she commanded, "fill these with water," a beat, "please?"

Scott said, as always, "As you wish."

That day, Rogue was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

"Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher."

Scott brought her the pitcher and whispered, "As you wish."

// Thomas's voice, filtered through the haze of Rogue's sleep, could be heard, demanding answers. "Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing movie?"

"Wait. Just wait." That was Jubilee, never one to suffer people dissing her favorite movie.

"Well when does it get good?"

"Keep your shirt on, kid, and watch the movie." //

Scott had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Rogue.

// "I don't believe this!" The boys were getting restless. //

Rogue cried. "I'm afraid I'll never see you again," she said, clutching Scott's hands.

He tried to reassure her. "Of course you will."

"But what if something happens to you?"

"Hear this now," he told her firmly, "I will always come for you."

"But how can you be sure?" she asked.

He grinned, and it was so infectious she smiled through her tears. "This is true love. You think this happens every day?"

And Scott pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her the way he'd always dreamt of doing.

Unfortunately, it was at this moment that Rogue's mutation chose to manifest. Her skin was lethal -- she began sucking the energy out of her beloved's body. She pulled away in horror as he fell to the ground, unconscious. Her eyes glowed red with his power and she closed them tightly, afraid of causing more damage.

"Oh, Scott!" she shrieked, and everyone in the house rushed out to see what had happened.

She closed herself up in her room and refused to see anyone. Scott finally woke from his coma a week later, and refused to agree that their love was impossible.

"True love overcomes all obstacles," he reminded her, stroking her face with a gloved hand before going off to catch the ship to the promised land.

Regrettably, Scott didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Sinister, who never left captives alive. When Rogue got the news that Scott was murdered --

// "Murdered by pirates is good!" //

She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.

She looked into her mirror and promised herself, and Scott's memory, "I will never love again."

And she never did.

***

Five years later, the main square of West Chester was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Great Magneto's bride-to-be.

Magneto had been Crown Prince of West Chester for many years, but he'd never before shown interest in anything but metal and hunting. Until he was told by his right hand man, Victor Creed, about the beautiful young girl with the tragic past and deadly mutation. At that moment, he decided that she was the only bride for him.

Trumpets blared as Magneto came out onto the balcony of the castle. "My people!" he cried in a great voice. "A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"

The crowd shouted, "Yes!"

"My people, the Princess Rogue!"

And he drew the mysterious lady out onto the balcony next to him. All the people in the square oohed and aahed at her beauty. She looked just like a princess should, except she was maybe a little overdressed for the weather, with the gloves and the scarf, but what did they know? She was a princess now, and they were not.

Rogue's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Magneto the right to choose her as his bride, she did not love him. Despite Magneto's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in riding her horse.

The morning after her introduction in the square, Rogue was out for her daily ride.

Lurking nearby were Mystique, a shape-shifting mutant who took the form of a tall, dark-haired woman; Logan, a feral-looking Canadian; and Hank McCoy, a blue-furred Beast.

Mystique walked out onto the road. "A word, my lady? " she asked, stopping Rogue in her tracks. "We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?"

"There is nothing nearby," Rogue replied graciously. "Not for miles."

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream," Mystique said with a maniacal laugh.

Beast quickly grabbed the princess by the neck, rendering her unconscious. His fur protected him from her deadly skin. He took the girl in his arms, as Mystique tore some fabric and attached it to the saddle on Rogue's horse.

"What's that you're ripping?" Logan asked.

"Fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Greenwich," Mystique answered.

Hank, playing the role of dullard as he and Logan had agreed, asked, "Who is Greenwich?

Mystique sounded exasperated as she told him, "The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of West Chester!"

"Oh, yes," Hank said, nodding. It was safer to play dumb and let the woman think she was in control. Otherwise, he and Logan wouldn't get paid, and that would be bad.

Mystique morphed back into her natural blue form and hurried the men along. "Go! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Greenwichians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Greenwich frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed."

"You never said anything about killing anyone," Hank said as they moved the girl into their waiting ship.

"I hired you to help me start a war," Mystique snapped. "It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition! What did you think was going to happen?"

"I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl," Hank replied.

"Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you blue-furred moron!"

"I agree with Hank," Logan interrupted, cutting her off before Hank got riled and showed off his genius.

"Oh, please! The assassin speaks. You are such a hypocrite! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her. And remember this, never forget this." Her voice grew steadily louder. "When I found you, you were naked in the snow! You couldn't even use a fork and knife!" She turned her harsh glare on Hank. "And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!! Do you want me to send you two back where you were? Unemployed, in *Greenland*?"

She walked angrily to the stern, untying the boat from the dock so they could cast off.

Logan muttered, "Mystique, she can ... fuss."

"Fuss, fuss, I think she likes to scream at us," Hank replied with a grin.

"Probably she means no ... harm."

"She is very short on ... charm."

"My friend, you have a great gift for rhyme," Logan said.

"Yes, yes, some of the time," Hank answered, still smiling.

Mystique overheard Hank and snapped, "Enough of that!"

She didn't enjoy their rhyming game.

"Hank, are there rocks ahead?" Logan asked.

"If there are, we'll all be dead," Hank said, enjoying the shape-shifter's irritation.

"No more rhymes now, I mean it!" she ordered.

"Anybody want a peanut?" Hank murmured mischievously.

"Aauuuggghhhhh!"

Hank and Logan shared a secret grin. Tormenting their crotchety employer was one of the few bright spots in their lives right now.

***

Night had fallen, and the three kidnappers and the Princess Rogue were still sailing. Logan stared out at the water behind them, which stretched back toward the West Chester shore.

"We'll reach the cliffs by dawn," Mystique said. She looked at Logan curiously. "Why are you doing that?"

"Making sure nobody is following us," the gruff man answered.

"That would be inconceivable," she replied confidently.

"Despite what you think," Rogue interrupted, "you will be caught; and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged."

"Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own," said Mystique. She paused, then, and glanced at Logan, who was still scanning the horizon. "Stop doing that. We can all relax. It's almost over."

Logan turned to face her. " Are you *sure* nobody is following us?" he asked.

"As I told you," Mystique replied haughtily, "it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Greenwich knows what we've done, and no one in West Chester could have gotten here so fast." She stopped speaking for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. Then, "Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

"I just happened to look behind us and something is there."

"What?" Mystique pulled out her spyglass and looked through it with disbelief. And saw a ship in the distance. She shook her head. "Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise -- at night -- through eel-infested waters."

Rogue listened to her captors' bickering, and knew she had to rescue herself from their clutches. While they were distracted, she threw herself overboard.

Mystique heard the splash, noticed the princess was no longer huddled in the bottom of the boat, and exclaimed, "What? What's going on?" She glared at her henchmen. "Go in! Go after her!"

Logan shrugged. "I don't swim," he said frankly. "Metal skeleton, y'know."

Hank turned to Mystique and said apologetically, "I only dog-paddle."

Mystique groaned in frustration at their ineptitude, and wondered how she'd fallen so low, to have such nincompoops as her lackeys.

"Veer left. Left. Left!" she shouted at Logan, who was steering the boat.

"Port, you imbecile," Hank muttered so only Logan could hear him. Logan raised an eyebrow and smirked.

Suddenly, they heard a horrible screeching sound.

"Do you know what that sound is, highness?" the evil genius yelled over the water. "Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels."

// Scott said, "Don't worry, Tommy. She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time."

"What?" the boy asked.

"The eels don't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous," he said.

"I -- I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned," the boy hedged, "but that's not the same thing."

"We can leave now if you want. There are chores--"

"No! No, I'll stay and watch." //

Hank reached out of the boat, hit the eel on the head, and pulled Rogue back on board.

"Put her down!" Mystique snapped. "Just put her down!"

Logan continued to look back at the other ship. "I think he's getting closer."

"He's no concern of ours," Mystique said. "Sail on." She turned to Rogue. "I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?"

"Only compared to some," the princess answered coldly.

***

The morning dawned bright and clear. The princess and her three captors were nearing their destination.

"Look!" Logan said. "He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using."

"Whoever he is, he's too late," Mystique said. "See!" She pointed skyward. "The Cliffs of Insanity. Hurry up! Move the thing and that other thing. Move it!" She climbed out of the boat. "We're safe. Only Hank is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours until he finds a harbor."

They situated themselves in the harness Mystique had arranged to be waiting for them, and Hank strapped it on. Hank began climbing up the cliff, carrying them all with him.

Logan looked down and saw that their pursuer was dressed all in black, including a mask that covered his face. He said, "He's climbing the rope. He's *gaining* on us. Amazing!"

"Inconceivable!" Mystique snapped. "Faster, Beast! Faster!" she urged.

"I thought I *was* going faster," Hank answered.

Mystique muttered darkly to herself, "You're supposed to be this colossus, you're this great legendary *thing* and yet he gains!"

"Well, I am carrying three people, and he has only himself. The distribution of weight --" He caught Logan's warning glance over Mystique's shoulder and abruptly shut up.

"I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new Beast, that's all."

"Don't say that, Mystique, please?" Hank pleaded, striving for the correct groveling tone.

"Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?" the woman responded.

Finally, they reached the top. Mystique quickly cut through the rope with a dagger. All three peered over the edge of the cliff.

"He's got very good arms," Hank said, admiration evident in his voice.

Mystique ignored him. She was too busy fuming. "He didn't fall? Inconceivable!"

Logan looked slightly confused. "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means, Mystique." He shook his head and looked down again. "Flamin' hell, he's still *climbin'*."

"Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die," Mystique said. She turned to Hank. "You carry her." To Logan, she said, "We'll head straight for the Greenwich frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, use the claws."

"I'm going to do him left-handed," Logan announced.

"You know what a hurry we're in," Mystique reprimanded him.

"Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly.

Mystique was impatient to be on her way. She waved a hand disgustedly. "Oh, have it your way."

Hank looked at his only friend. "You be careful," he said. "People in masks cannot be trusted."

Mystique was already walking away. "I'm waiting," she called back to Hank.

Logan nodded and the two men shook hands. Then Hank hurried to catch up with their boss.

***

Logan rolled his neck, popping the joints and getting loose for the upcoming fight. He then leaned over the edge of the cliff and called out to the Man in Black, "Hey, there. Slow goin', eh?"

The Man in Black looked up and said, "I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me."

Logan shrugged. "Sorry."

"Thank you."

After a few minutes, Logan's impatience got the better of him again. "I don't suppose you could speed it up a little, eh, bub?"

"If you're in such a hurry," the Man in Black responded, "you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do."

"I could do that," the Canadian said. "I still got some rope up here. But I don't think you'd accept my help, since I'm only waitin' around to kill you."

"That *does* put a damper on our relationship," the Man in Black agreed suavely.

"I promise I won't kill you until you reach the top," Logan said sincerely.

"That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."

"I hate waiting." He paced around the top of the cliff for a few moments, before turning to look down at the Man in Black again. "I could give you my word as a Canadian," he offered.

The Man in Black paused in his struggle up the cliff face. "No good. I've known too many Canadians."

"Is there another way you'll trust me?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

Logan thought for a second. "I swear on the soul of my dead fiancée, Mariko Yashida, you will reach the top alive." His voice was deadly serious.

"Throw me the rope."

Logan tossed the rope to the Man in Black, and pulled him up to the top..

"Thank you," the Man in Black said, gasping for breath. He struggled to draw his sword.

Logan held up a hand. "Wait 'til you're ready."

"Again, thank you."

He sat down on a rock and took his left boot off. He shook it and a small stone fell out. Pulling it back on, he murmured, "Much better."

"I don't mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have talons, do you?"

"No." The Man in Black pulled off a glove and held up his talonless hand. "Do you always begin conversations this way?"

Logan unsheathed the claws on his left hand. "I'm tryin' to find the bastards who gave me these things."

The Man in Black gave a long, low whistle. "I've never seen anything like that."

"Yeah. The man with the talons -- he was my friend, I thought. We worked together for the Canadian government. They were looking for muties to experiment on, and the bastard sold me out. I got this healing factor, see, and so I could survive whatever they wanted to do to me."

"What did they do to you?" the Man in Black asked.

"They grafted metal to my skeleton and made me a walking can-opener. They took away everything -- I don't remember much of my life before this happened, not even my name.

"But I remember him. The man with the talons. After I escaped, I dedicated my life to fighting, to revenge; so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I'm gonna go up to the man with the talons and say 'Hey, bub, my name is Logan. You stole my life. Prepare to die.'"

The Man in Black was intrigued by this single-mindedness. "You've done nothing but fight?"

"More pursue than fight lately. See, I can't find him. It's been fifteen years now, and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Mystique to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge."

After a moment's silence, the Man in Black stood and prepared himself for battle.

"Well, I certainly hope you find him someday," he said.

"You all ready, then?" Logan asked.

"Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair," the Man in Black replied.

Logan unsheathed the claws on his left hand. "You seem like a good guy. I hate to kill you."

"You seem like a good guy," the Man in Black responded. "I hate to die."

Logan bowed like the samurai he once had been. Then he said, "Begin." He was glad when he noticed that the Man in Black was also left-handed. He thought it was good to test his weaker side against the other man's strength.

Logan tested the Man in Black, and the Man in Black tested Logan. The battle raged silently for a few minutes. Fighting a man with three razor-sharp claws was only a little different than fighting one with a sword, and the Man in Black held his own.

"You're usin' Bonetti's Defense against me, eh?" Logan said.

"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain."

"Naturally, you think I'm going to attack with Capo Ferro?" Logan wasn't even winded yet.

"Naturally. But I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don't you?"

"Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa," and he slashed, but the Man in Black parried easily, "which I have."

Logan smiled as the Man in Black took the offensive. It had been a long time since anyone had taken the attack against him. He let the masked man advance, building up his confidence, and retreated gracefully between some trees.

He moved quickly, and suddenly he was behind the nearest tree; the Man in Black hadn't expected that, and was slow to react. Logan flashed out from behind the tree, slashing. The Man in Black retreated, stumbling over the roots and righting himself.

They were moving parallel to the cliffs, now, and the trees were behind them. Logan was slowly forcing the Man in Black toward a large group of boulders, because he wanted to see how the man fought in close quarters. He continued to press and then they were amidst the rocks. Logan suddenly threw himself against a nearby boulder, rebounded off it with stunning force, lunging with incredible speed.

First blood went to Logan.

He grazed the Man in Black -- it was a mere scratch on his left wrist, but it was bleeding.

Immediately, the Man in Black took the fight back out onto the plateau. He launched an assault with lightning speed, and Logan retreated steadily. He knew that the cliffs were coming up behind him, but he wasn't worried. It had been a long time since he'd such an excellent opponent. The exhilaration spurred him on.

"You're damn good!" he said, as the Man in Black had him backed up as far as he could go.

"Thank you," the masked man replied politely. "I've worked hard to become so."

"I admit it, you're better than I am."

"Then why are you smiling?" the Man in Black asked.

Logan answered, "Because I know something you don't know."

"And what is that?"

Logan extended the claws on his right hand. "I am not left-handed!"

Now that Logan was fighting on all cylinders, the tide of the battle turned. The Man in Black retreated before the slashing blades in Logan's hands. He was able to parry the first fifty thrusts, but the fifty-first slipped through his defenses. He could thwart thirty ripostes, but not the thirty-first, and now his shoulder bled.

The wounds were still only scratches, but it was clear that Logan overmatched the Man in Black.

"You're amazing!" he gasped, parrying yet another two-handed feint by the Canadian.

"I ought to be, after fifteen years."

The Man in Black was struggling to keep Logan away. "There's something I ought to tell you," he said.

"Tell me!" Logan demanded.

"I'm not left-handed either."

And the Man in Black tossed his sword into his right hand and began to fight in earnest. Logan began to retreat.

Their blades clashed and Logan said, "Who *are* you?"

"No one of consequence."

"I must know."

"Get used to disappointment."

Logan sighed. "Okay."

Their blades flashed in the sunlight, almost too quick for the eye to follow. The Man in Black was in control now, and Logan tried to force the fight into the trees, or among the boulders, but the masked man would have none of it.

And in the open, unthinkable as it was, the Man in Black was better. Not by much, but in a myriad of tiny ways that added up to the slightest of edges.

Somehow, some way, he slid his sword in between the six claws until the point rested at Logan's throat.

Logan raised his chin defiantly. "Do it quick."

"I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either..."

The Man in Black raised his hand to his temple, and a red beam shot from his eyes, stunning Logan and knocking him unconscious.

"Please understand I hold you in the highest respect," the Man in Black said sincerely. Then he turned and ran off in the direction Mystique and Hank had carried off the princess.

***

Mystique stood atop a high hill and watched as the Man in Black came closer.

"Inconceivable!" she exclaimed. "I cannot believe he got past Logan!" Turning to Hank, she said, "Give her to me!" She grabbed the princess, cut the bonds tying her feet together, and said, "Catch up with us quickly!"

There was a puzzled expression on Hank's face. "What do you want me to do?"

"Finish him! Finish him your way," Mystique snapped.

"Oh, good. My way. Thank you, Mystique." The puzzled expression, which he'd worked so hard to perfect, didn't leave his face. "Which way's my way?"

Mystique was quickly losing patience. "Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes the Man in Black will come running around the bend. The minute his *head* is in view, hit it with the rock!" And she took off, dragging the unhappy princess with her.

Hank muttered to himself, "Apparently, my way is very unsportsman-like. I suppose if I were to give him a fair chance, I could beat him. Though if he beat Logan, it's highly probable that he will beat me, despite my superior size and strength. Hmm. It is a conundrum."

He thought about it some more as he waited, calculating the odds in his head, and then decided on a course of action.

The Man in Black, meanwhile, was climbing up the hill, not knowing that Hank was waiting for him there.

He was quite taken aback when a rock smashed into a boulder not quite a foot away from his head.

"I did that on purpose," Hank announced. "I didn't have to miss."

"I believe you," the Man in Black responded. "So what happens now?"

"We face each other as God intended; sportsman-like. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."

"You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?"

Hank held up a large rock. "I could kill you now--" he offered.

The Man in Black thought about the situation. "Frankly, I think the odds at hand fighting are slightly in your favor."

"You would be right. However, it's not my fault that I'm the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise much. It's my mutation, you see."

The Man in Black didn't respond. He simply charged at Hank, but couldn't knock him down.

"Look, are you just playing around with me or what?" the Man in Black asked, highly agitated.

"I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed." Hank grasped at him, but missed. "You're quick!" he said, impressed.

"Good thing, too."

Hank swung again. "Why are you wearing a mask?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. "Were you burned by acid or something like that?"

"Oh no," the Man in Black answered, once again eluding Hank's grasp. "It's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."

He managed to jump onto Hank's back, and tried to choke him. Hank slammed back against a boulder, almost knocking the wind out of his unwanted passenger.

"I was afraid you would give me trouble," Hank wheezed as the Man in Black started to cut off his air supply.

"Why is that, do you think?"

"Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long," he said, struggling once again to free himself from the Man in Black's grip around his throat. "I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local charities -- that kind of thing."

"Why should that make such a difference?" the Man in Black asked, squeezing harder.

"You see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people, than when you only have to worry about one," Hank said weakly, before falling to the ground, unconscious. The Man in Black leapt away just in time to avoid being pinned under Hank's heavier form. He checked for a pulse, to make sure his opponent was still alive.

"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake," he said, "but in the meantime, rest well and dream of large, blue-furred women."

And with that, the Man in Black once again set off in pursuit of Mystique and the princess.

***

5.
When Magneto had discovered that Rogue was missing, he was livid. He called out the elite guards and his friend, Victor Creed, Count Sabretooth, to find her.

They made their way across the sea to the Cliffs of Insanity and came upon the clearing where the Man in Black had defeated Logan.

Magneto examined the ground closely. "There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters."

Sabretooth, who wasn't the brightest candle in the chandelier, asked, "Who won? How did it end?" He was distracted by the scent of blood, and something vaguely familiar.

"The loser ran off alone," the prince answered, "and the winner followed those footprints toward Greenwich."

"Should we track 'em both?" Sabretooth asked, primed for the hunt.

Magneto shook his head. "The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this
was planned by warriors of Greenwich! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead."

"Could this be a trap?" Sabretooth said.

"I always think everything could be a trap," Magneto answered. "That is why I am still alive."

Magneto and his men scurried off, chasing after the kidnapped Princess Rogue.

Meanwhile, the Man in Black caught up with Mystique and the princess. Mystique was preparing to eat -- she had food spread out on an embroidered tablecloth, and a bottle of wine to go with it. Just because one was a villain didn't mean one had to be uncouth, she thought.

She showed no surprise at his presence. She held a very sharp knife to Rogue's bared throat.

"So, it is down to you, and it is down to me." The Man in Black stepped toward them and Mystique said, "If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward."

"Let me explain--" the Man in Black began.

She cut him off. "There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen."

"Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?" the Man in Black asked reasonably.

Mystique was hard as iron. "There will be no arrangements." She pressed the knife lightly against Rogue's throat and a tiny drop of blood showed crimson against Rogue's alabaster skin. "You're killing her."

"But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse."

Mystique nodded. "I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains."

"You're *that* smart?" the Man in Black asked.

She smiled carnivorously. "Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard or Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"

"Yes," he said.

"Morons!"

"Really!" The Man in Black was taken aback. "In that case," he went on, desperate to get the princess away from the shape-shifter, "I challenge you to a battle of wits."

"For the princess?" The Man in Black inclined his head in agreement. "To the death?" He nodded again. "I accept!"

The Man in Black worked hard to keep his face impassive. "Good. Pour the wine." Mystique did as he said. He pulled a white vial from somewhere amidst his clothing. Offering it to her, he said, "Inhale this but do not touch."

"I smell nothing," Mystique said.

"What you do not smell is iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid. It is among the more deadly poisons known to man."

Mystique shrugged and laughed. The Man in Black took the two wine glasses and turned his back to the blue-skinned mutant, pouring the poison into one of the goblets. Then he faced her again and said, "All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink -- and find out who is right, and who is dead."

Mystique laughed again, and clapped her hands. "My dear boy, it is so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

"But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

The Man in Black smiled tightly. "You've made your decision, then?"

Mystique was having the time of her life. "Not remotely!" she exclaimed. "Because iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

The Man in Black leaned on elbow on his knee and rested his head on his hand. "Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."

Mystique waved off his compliments. "Wait 'till I get going! Where was I?"

"Australia."

"Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"You're just stalling now," he said, leaning back.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my Beast, which means you're exceptionally strong... so you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my assassin, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

The Man in Black was getting irritated now. "You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work."

Mystique cackled gleefully. "It *has* worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!"

"Then make your choice." His voice was short, his words, clipped.

"I will, and I choose --" she broke off and pointed behind the Man in Black. "What in the world can that be?"

He turned to look, and Mystique switched the goblets.

"What? Where? I don't see anything," he said.

"Oh, well. I could have sworn I saw something. No matter." She laughed.

"What's so funny?" His annoyance was obvious now.

"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink, me from my glass and you from yours."

They each took a long drink of wine.

"You guessed wrong," he said flatly.

Mystique gave her fearsome smile again. "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!"

"You're not Sicilian!" he snapped. "You're German!"

"Pffft. Details!" Mystique continued to laugh hysterically. Suddenly, she stopped and fell over with a thud. The Man in Black removed the princess's blindfold.

Rogue blinked at the sudden light assaulting her eyes. She shivered when she got a good look at her new captor. She didn't know why, but she had a feeling he was more dangerous than the old ones had been.

"Who are you?"

"I'm no one to be trifled with," the Man in Black replied. "That is all you'll ever need know."

Rogue looked from him to the prone body of Mystique. "And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned."

"They were both poisoned," he said. "I spent the last few years building up immunity to iocaine powder."

***

Magneto and his men reached the hilltop where the Man in Black fought Hank. Magneto looked at the ground as Sabretooth sniffed the air.

"Some one has beaten a Beast," the master of magnetism announced. "There will be great suffering in Greenwich if she dies."

***

Meanwhile, the Man in Black was running, dragging the princess along with him.

He stopped, finally, and said, "Catch your breath."

After gasping for a few moments, Rogue said, "If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I promise you."

The Man in Black laughed. "And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, highness."

"I was giving you a chance," Rogue replied. "It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Magneto. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you."

"You think your dearest love will save you?" the Man in Black sneered.

Rogue was insulted at his tone. "I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me -- that I know."

"You admit to me you do not love your fiancé?" The Man in Black was surprised.

"He knows I do not love him."

Something inside the Man in Black snapped. "Are not capable of love is what you mean."

Rogue was taken aback by his anger. "I have loved more deeply than a killer like you could ever dream!"

The Man in Black raised a hand and Rogue flinched. "That was a warning, highness! The next time my hand flies on its own. Where I come from there are penalties when a woman lies."

***

Magneto had come upon Mystique's picnic.

"Iocaine!" he exclaimed. "I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's footprints. She is alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise, I shall be quite vexed!"

***

The princess and the Man in Black were running again.

Finally, he stopped to allow her to catch her breath again.

"Rest, highness."

"I know who you are," Rogue said. "Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Sinister, admit it!"

"With pride," he answered with an exaggerated bow. "What can I do for you?"

"You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces."

The Man in Black shook his head. "Hardly complimentary, your highness. Why do you use your venom on me?"

Rogue was upset at his playful tone. "You killed my love."

He shrugged. "It's possible, I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one -- ugly, rich, and scabby?"

"No," Rogue snapped, goaded beyond endurance. "A farm boy -- poor! Poor and perfect, with the sweetest mouth any man ever had. On the high-seas your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Sinister never takes prisoners!"

Another shrug. "I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time."

"You mock my pain!" she shouted angrily.

He pulled her close, so close his breath stirred her hair. He was done with playfulness. His face was serious as he snapped, "Life *is* pain, highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something."

He paused, releasing her and taking a deep breath. "I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what? Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?"

Rogue raised her chin and said, "Nothing you can say will upset me." She was every inch the haughty princess.

"He died well. That should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, 'Please, please, I need to live.' It was the please that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him. 'True love' he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are."

"And what am I?"

The Man in Black leaned in close again. "Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?" His voice was furious.

"You mocked me once! Never do it again! I *died* that day!" she said vehemently.

Suddenly, the Man in Black turned. They could see Magneto's horses in the distance.

Rogue took that moment to strike. She pushed him down the hillside, saying, "You can die too, for all I care!"

He tumbled, ass over teakettle, and his voice floated back up to her. "As...you...wish..."

Rogue's eyes widened in shock at his words. "Oh, my sweet Scott, what have I done?"

And with that, she hurled herself down the hillside, so she could be with him.

***

Magneto was coming closer. His brow furrowed at what he'd just seen.

"They disappeared," he informed his troops. "They must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, they are headed straight into the fire swamp."

***

Scott and Rogue finally ceased tumbling. Scott moved over to help his beloved Rogue. His mask had come off in the fall.

"Can you move at all?" he asked, running his gloved hands over her legs, making sure nothing was broken.

Rogue was joyous. "Move? You're alive! If you want, I could fly," she exclaimed.

He cradled her to him. "I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Well," she said, "you were dead."

He shook his head. "But death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."

"I will never doubt again," she whispered.

"There will never be a need," he replied, slipping her sheer scarf over her lips and kissing her passionately.

// "Oh, no! No. Please!" Thomas exclaimed.

Jubilee glared at him. "What is it? What's the matter?"

"They're *kissing* again," the boy replied disgustedly. Can't we fast-forward through the kissing part?"

Scott grinned. "Someday you might not mind so much."

"Gross!" //

Scott and Rogue raced along the ravine floor.

"Aha!" Scott exclaimed. "Your pig fiancé is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp."

"We'll never survive," Rogue said worriedly.

"Nonsense!" her former fiancé replied confidently. "You're only saying that because no one ever has."

They cautiously moved into the dreary, damp swamp. The heavy air was filled with sounds -- the chittering of creatures Rogue thought she could live happily without ever seeing or hearing again.

"It's not that bad," Scott said, his mouth quirking slightly at the disbelieving glance Rogue shot him. "Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."

They continued to make their way through the eerie maze of trees. There was a sudden popping sound and flame shot up from the ground, catching the hem of Rogue's dress.

She screamed as Scott calmly smothered the flame.

"Well now, that was an adventure," he said, keeping his voice level. "Singed a bit, were you?"

Rogue shook her head nervously. "No. You?"

"Nope." He strode confidently through the underbrush, aware that he had to remain calm so Rogue wouldn't panic. When they heard another popping sound, Scott simply lifted Rogue out of harm's way as the flame rose from the ground.

"Well, one thing I will say; the fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory." Scott used his sword to cut through a mass of vines. "Sinister's ship 'Revenge' is banked at the far end. And, as you know, I am Sinister."

"But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?" Rogue interrupted.

"I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks," he said with a grin. "See, what I told you before about saying please was true -- it intrigued Sinister, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Sinister decided something. He said, 'All right Scott, I never had a valet. You can try if you'd like. I'll most likely to kill you in the morning.'

"For three years he said that. 'Good night Scott, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely to kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Sinister and I eventually became friends.

"And then it happened."

"What?" Rogue asked, so intrigued by the story that she had begun to relax. "Go on."

"Well, Sinister had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Sinister,' he said. 'My name is Remy LeBeau. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Sinister, just as you will inherit it from me.

"The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Sinister either - his name was Kurt Wagner. The real Sinister had been retired fifteen years and was living like a king in Patagonia.' Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear.

"You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Scott. So, we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me 'Sinister.' Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Sinister ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?"

Rogue was about to answer when she stepped into a pit of sand and disappeared. Scott, thinking quickly, cut a vine and tied it around his waist. He then plunged down into the lightning sand in search of his beloved. Moments later, they resurfaced, gasping and coughing.

"We'll never succeed," Rogue moaned, suddenly losing hope. "We may as well die here."

"No. No!" Scott gasped. "We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt -- no problem -- there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand -- and you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that, too."

"But Scott, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?"

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist," he said, grateful that his visor hid his eyes, so Rogue wouldn't know he was watching the giant rodents that were tracking them through the swamp.

Just as Scott finished speaking, a huge rodent jumped on top of him. It bit him on the shoulder before he could even draw his sword. The man and the rat rolled a few times and then the rat decided to go for an easier victim.

It launched itself at Rogue, who screamed and picked up a large branch with which to fend it off. Scott jumped on the creature's back and attempted to wrestle it to the ground.

Then he heard the popping sound. Scott timed his roll perfectly. The flame flared and burned the R.O.U.S badly. Not quite dead, it tried to hobble away, but Scott gave chase and, using his sword, finally killed it.

***

After several hours walking, Scott and Rogue finally exited the fire swamp, tired and worn.

"We did it!" Rogue exclaimed triumphantly.

Scott pulled her into his arms. "Now, was that so terrible?" he asked, grinning and leaning in to kiss her hair.

Out of nowhere, Magneto's soldiers came upon them, led by the prince himself.

"Surrender!" Prince Magneto thundered.

Scott cocked his head, never letting go of Rogue. "You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept."

"I give you full marks for bravery," Magneto responded. "Don't make yourself a fool."

"Ah, but how will you capture us?" Scott asked. "We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, pop in for a visit."

While the two men were speaking, the soldiers surrounded Scott and Rogue, with crossbows loaded and cocked.

"I tell you once again," Magneto commanded, "surrender!"

"It will not happen!" Scott drew his sword.

"For the last time, surrender!" the prince shouted.

"Death first!" Scott answered coldly.

"Will you promise not to hurt him?" Rogue asked softly.

The two men looked confused. Turning to her, as one they said, "What was that?"

Rogue stepped forward, dropping Scott's hand. "If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?" she queried.

"May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!" Magneto responded.

"He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship," Rogue requested.

"I swear it will be done." Magneto leaned over for a whispered conference with Sabretooth. "Once we're out of sight, take him back to West Chester and throw him in the Pit of Despair."

"I swear it will be done," the big, hairy mutant said.

Rogue turned to Scott. "I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you."

She walked toward Magneto, who lifted her onto one of his horses; they rode away.

"Come, we must get you to your ship," Sabretooth said to Scott.

"We are men of action," Scott replied coldly. "Lies do not become us."

"Well spoken." As he motioned for the guards to escort the pirate king away, Scott noticed the talons on Sabretooth's hands. "What is it?" the count barked, quickly losing what little patience and civility he possessed.

"You have talons. Someone was looking for you--"

Sabretooth drew his sword and hit Scott in the head with its hilt, knocking him out.

***

Scott awoke chained in a giant cage. He ignored the painful wound in his shoulder where the R.O.U.S had taken a bite of him, which had begun to ooze, and took stock of his surroundings. He was in what appeared to be a dungeon. It wasn't so much the lack of windows that gave it away as the dank, damp quality of the air. And, of course, the chains.

Soon after he regained consciousness, a short, well-muscled, greenish man entered.

This was Toad, one of Prince Magneto's only trusted servants (Toad's cousin Doug, head of castle security, was the other). He carried a tray with food and water, as well as what looked like medicine and bandages.

"Where am I?" Scott asked.

"The Pit of Despair," Toad answered. "Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either; the only way in is secret. The only way out is secret. Only the Prince, the Count and I know how to get in and out."

"Then I'm here 'till I die?" Scott said.

"Until they kill you, yeah."

"Why bother curing me, then?" Scott was curious.

"Well," Toad said, beginning to clean Scott's shoulder, "the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken."

"So, it's to be torture," Scott mused. Toad smiled. "I can cope with torture." Toad vigorously shook his head no. "You don't believe me?"

Toad shrugged. "You survived the fire-swamp, you must be very brave. But nobody withstands The Machine."

***

In the days and weeks after leaving Scott in the fire swamp, Rogue roamed the castle, listless and sad.

Magneto and Sabretooth were sitting in the Prince's office one day about two weeks before the wedding, planning, when they noticed Rogue's melancholy.

"She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her," Magneto lied.

"Of course," Sabretooth agreed blandly.

The King died that very night, and before dawn, Rogue and Magneto were married. And at noon, she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

Once again, Magneto stood on the balcony overlooking the main square of West Chester. In a loud voice, he proclaimed, "My father's final words were--"

A voice interrupted.

// "Hold it! Hold it!" Thomas jumped up and hit pause on the DVD player. "That can't be right. She doesn't marry Humperdinck! She marries Westley. I'm just sure of it! After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair."

"Well, who says life is fair?" Jubilee answered, ignoring Scott's warning glance. "Where is that written? Life isn't always fair. You're a mutant. You should know that already."

Thomas wasn't buying it. "I'm telling you, this can't be right. What kind of messed up movie is this?"

"Can we continue the movie?" Scott asked.

Thomas sighed. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Scott smiled at the young boy. "All right, then, no more interruptions." //

At noon, Rogue met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

Magneto announced in a loud voice, "My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and there will be joy. I present to you, your queen: Queen Rogue!"

Rogue came out into the square to walk among her people.

A decrepit old woman shouted, "Boo! Boo! Boo!"

"Why do you do this?" Rogue asked, upset.

"Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!"

"But they would have killed Scott if I hadn't done it," Rogue said desperately.

"Your true love lives, and you marry another! True love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is," the woman's voice grew louder and the crowd parted to allow the two women to come face-to-face, "the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!"

Princess Rogue woke up with a start. She made up her mind to do something before the dreams got worse.

// In the rec room, the Narrator of the film said, "It was ten days 'til the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were becoming steadily worse."

"See?" Thomas crowed. "Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're very smart," Jubes said. "Now, shut up." //

Rogue dressed and went to see her fiancé in his quarters.

"It comes to this," she told Magneto. "I love Scott, I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe me when I say I will be dead by morning."

Magneto was taken aback by her vehemence, but let no emotion show on his face. He inclined his head and said, "I could never cause you grief, my dear girl. Consider our wedding off." He turned to Sabretooth. "You, um, returned this Scott to his ship?"

"Yeah." Sabretooth's grin was sly and not at all pleasant.

Magneto turned back to Rogue and smiled gently. "Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known as men of their words."

"My Scott will always come for me," Rogue said confidently, her chin held high.

Magneto nodded. "May I suggest a deal, then? You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Sinister is always close to West Chester this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Scott wants you, bless you both; if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

She nodded, pressed her gloved fingers to her lips, and then to his cheek before exiting the room.

***

Later that day, the prince and Count Sabretooth stood in a grove of trees, just outside the entrance to the Pit of Despair.

"Your princess is a winning creature," Sabretooth growled. "Her appeal is undeniable."

"I know," Magneto replied. "The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Mystique to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I kill her on our wedding night. Once Greenwich is mutated, all our troubles will be over. We'll rule over both Greenwich and West Chester, and then, my friend, then the world."

Sabretooth snickered as he examined the huge tree Magneto was leaning against. "Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find..." He found and pressed it, revealing a hidden passage. "Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Scott's got his strength back. I'm going to see how he reacts to The Machine tonight."

"Victor," Magneto said with sincere regret, "you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Greenwich to mutate. I'm swamped."

"That's fine," Sabretooth said, secretly glad he was going to be alone to torture Scott. It was more fun that way. "Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't
got anything."

Sabretooth entered the pit, as Magneto left the grove of trees.

Sabretooth stood, admiring the contraption. "Beautiful, isn't she?" He smiled fiercely at Scott. It was truly a fearsome sight. "She took me half a lifetime to build. Old Mags will take credit for it, but I'm the one who did all the grunt work. I'm not as stupid as people think I am.

"I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting."

Sabretooth activated The Machine. Scott writhed in great pain. He wasn't faking it as he had so many times before while Sabretooth tortured him. This was real and it hurt like the very devil.

Sabretooth calmly explained what The Machine was doing. "As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life, much like your little girlfriend does. Finding her advanced my research amazingly quickly.

"I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?

In response, Scott sobbed in pain.

"Interesting," Sabretooth purred.

***

Back in the castle, Magneto sat at his desk. Doug, his head of security, entered.

"Doug."

"Sire," the man replied.

"As chief enforcer of all West Chester, I trust you with this secret," Magneto told him. "Killers from Greenwich are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night."

Doug was surprised. "My spy network has heard no such news."

Rogue slipped into the office quietly.

"Any word from Scott?" she asked, startling the two men.

Magneto barely managed to contain his annoyance. "Too soon, my angel," he said with a strained smile that looked more like a pained grimace. "Patience."

"He will come for me," she said confidently and then left the two men to their business.

"Of course," Magneto murmured. He turned his attention back to Doug and his voice was hard. "She will *not* be murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested!"

"Many of the thieves will resist, Sire," Doug said, distraught at the prince's plan. "My regular enforcers will be inadequate."

"Form a brute squad then!" Magneto snapped. "I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed. Is that clear?"

"It won't be easy, Sire," Doug whined.

"Try ruling the world sometime."

***

The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Magneto's orders.

Doug and his men were clearing out the Thieves' Forest. They were outside the village tavern. Doug asked the head of the Brute Squad, "Is everybody out?"

The brute replied, "Almost. Inside, there's a Canadian giving us some trouble."

"Well, you give him some...trouble," Doug ordered. "Move!"

Logan was drunk, which is quite remarkable for someone with such an advanced healing factor. He was also giving the Brute Squad a very difficult time. Even drunk, he was the best there was at what he did, and what he did wasn't very nice.

He was also shouting as he threw punches at the brutes. "I am waiting for you, Mystique! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved."

"Ho, there!" one of the brutes said.

"I ain't budging, bub. Keep your ho there," Logan answered, stumbling slightly.

"But the prince gave orders!" the head brute whined.

Logan jumped up and slashed at the brute with his claws. The guard was shocked at how agile a fighter Logan was, even drunk.

Logan continued to rant. "I know you, Mystique. When the job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I'm stayin' 'til Mystique comes."

The head of the Brute Squad called out to one of his men who was standing behind Logan, "You! Brute, come here!"

"I am waiting for Mystique," Logan mumbled to himself.

Just then, a hand grabbed him from behind, barely managing to avoid being slashed by the Canadian's claws.

"You most assuredly are a freak."

Logan looked up and saw that it was Hank.

"Hello, my fine Canadian friend," the blue-furred mutant said.

Logan seemed to have a hard time grasping the fact that Hank had found him. "It's you!" he finally exclaimed.

Hank grinned. "True!"

The head brute moved into the tavern to see what was happening, but Hank knocked him out with one punch.

Then he sat Logan down at a table and said, "You don't look so good. You don't smell so good, either."

"Maybe not," Logan replied, "but I feel fine."

Hank let go of Logan, who fell on his face.

Hank and Logan were reunited, and as Hank nursed his inebriated friend back to health (it didn't take long -- a few dunkings in cold water and Logan was right as rain, though he smelled like a wet dog), he told Logan of Mystique's death and the existence of Sabretooth, the taloned man.

Considering Logan's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. He only fainted once, face first into a bowl of soup. Hank took great care in reviving his friend (more dunkings, this time alternating hot and cold water). He thanked his lucky stars that he'd had medical training and was prepared for such emergencies.

Finally, Logan sobered up. "That's enough! That's enough!" he exclaimed, shaking off water like a dog. "Where is this Sabretooth now, so I can kill him?"

"He's with the prince in the castle," Hank answered. "But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men."

"Hmm." Logan was thinking. It wasn't something he was very good at, usually preferring to fight first and ask questions later. "How many could you handle?"

Hank shrugged. "I don't think more than ten."

Logan counted on his fingers. "That leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could
maybe defeat that many." He looked at Hank. "You're the resident genius. Think of something."

Hank shook his head sadly. "I'm not a tactician, my friend. I'm sorry."

Logan grunted in frustration. "I need Mystique to plan. I have no gift for strategy."

"Mystique is dead," Hank reminded him.

Logan raised an eyebrow, and inspiration struck. "No, not Mystique. I need the Man in Black. "

"What?"

"Look," Logan said, excitedly, "he bested you at strength. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Mystique, and a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day! Let's go!"

"Where?" Hank asked, bewildered at Logan's sudden frenzy of action.

"To find the Man in Black, obviously," Logan answered impatiently.

"But we don't know where he is."

Logan waved a hand carelessly. "Don't bother me with trifles, bub. After fifteen years, at last my soul will be at peace. There's gonna be blood tonight!"

***

Magneto was sharpening a dagger in his chambers. He enjoyed the feel of metal, always, and the whisking sound the blade made against the whetstone was music to his ears.

He looked up in annoyance as Doug entered the room.

"Report!" Magneto ordered him.

"The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate," Doug reported.

"Double it," Magneto snapped. "My princess must be safe."

"The gate has but one key," Doug assured him, "and I carry that."

Rogue appeared in the doorway, interrupting their conversation. "You called for me, your highness?"

Magneto smiled his most charming smile. It resembled the look a cobra has before it strikes. "Ah, my dulcet darling! Tonight, we marry." He turned to Doug. "Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to West Chester Channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon."

Rogue scrunched up her face, thinking. "Every ship but your four fastest, you mean," she said. Magneto's confusion was evident. "Every ship but the four you sent," she repeated.

"Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four." he replied, but the damage had been done.

Doug, feeling the tension between the couple rise, left with a bow and a quiet, "Your majesty."

"You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Scott will come for me anyway." Her voice was cold and confident.

"You're a silly girl." All pretense of affection on his part was gone.

"Yes, I am a silly girl," Rogue answered, "for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear."

Magneto rose imperiously. "I would not say such things if I were you," he said angrily.

"Why not? You can't hurt me." She squared her shoulders and raised her chin. "Scott and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth."

"I would not say such things if I were you!" Magneto repeated, his face growing red as his temper reached a boiling point. He grabbed her arm and dragged her to her chamber.

After depositing the princess in her chamber, he rushed to the Pit of Despair and confronted Scott.

"You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so, I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will," he snarled at the imprisoned pirate.

He reached over and turned the dial on The Machine as far as it would go.

"Not to fifty!" Sabretooth yelled, but the prince ignored him.

Scott screamed in agony. Everything in him -- life, memories, soul -- was being sucked away by the machine. The entire kingdom could hear his cries of pain.

Logan and Hank were approaching the castle when they heard the echoing noise.

"Hank! Hank!" Logan said excitedly, grabbing Hank's arm. "Listen. D'you hear? That's the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when they soldered the adamantium to my bones. The Man in Black makes it now."

Hank looked over the tops of his glasses skeptically. "The Man in Black?"

Logan nodded. "His true love is marrying someone else tonight. Who else has cause for ultimate suffering?

Logan and Hank pushed their way through a mass of people.

"Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important," Hank said, as they struggled to move even a few feet. "Logan, please?" he finally asked.

Logan unsheathed his claws and bellowed, "Everybody, *move*!"

Everybody moved, leaving a perfect path for the two mutants.

"Thank you," Hank said.

Logan, with his extraordinary senses, was able to trace the screams to the tree grove, where they found Toad working with a wheelbarrow.

"Where is the Man in Black?" Logan snapped, putting his claws at Toad's neck. Toad stared at them defiantly and did not respond. "Hank?" Logan said.

Hank hit Toad on the top of his head with a fist, knocking him unconscious, but doing no other damage.

"Oops. My apologies, dear friend."

Logan snarled in frustration, and thrust his claws into the tree. He had a hard time getting them out one-handed, so he leaned his other hand against the trunk for leverage and the secret entrance appeared. Shrugging, the two men didn't question their luck. They simply followed the stairs down into the Pit of Despair.

They found Scott lying on a table.

Hank put his ear to Scott's chest and sighed. "He's dead, Jim." Logan raised an eyebrow. "What? I've always wanted to say that."

"This sucks," Logan grumbled.

// Thomas jumped up and pressed pause again. "Jubes! What did Fezzik mean, 'He's dead?' I mean, he didn't mean 'dead,' did he? Westley is only faking, right?

"Do you want to watch this or not?" Jubilee said, cracking her gum.

Thomas ignored her and turned to Scott. "Who gets Humperdinck?"

"I don't understand," Scott said, shaking his head.

Thomas was getting annoyed now. "Who kills Humperdinck?" he asked, speaking very slowly and loudly, as if to someone who didn't understand. "At the end, someone's got to do it! Is it Inigo? Who?"

Scott sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives."

"You mean he wins? Jesus, guys! What did you rent this thing for?"

"You know, you're taking this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now." Scott made as if to rise and walk to the DVD player.

The other kids protested and Thomas said, "No. I, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right."

"Okay," Scott said, "now be quiet. We don't want to wake Rogue." //

After Logan spent a few moments ventilating the Pit of Despair with his claws, he finally calmed down enough to say, "I've never taken defeat easily. Come on, Hank, you're a doctor. Can't you do anything?"

"I'm a doctor, dammit, not a miracle worker!" Hank replied irritably, earning another raised eyebrow from Logan, who decided it was wiser not to comment.

Then, inspiration struck. "That's it, Hank! You really are a genius!" And he pressed a kiss to the doctor's furry cheek. Hank looked flustered, but Logan was already making plans. "Bring the body."

"The body?"

"Yeah. You got any money?"

"I have a little," Hank said doubtfully, lifting Scott's body easily and slinging it over his shoulder.

"I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle," Logan muttered.

***

Logan and Hank, along with Scott's body, made their way to a small wooden house on the outskirts of the town.

Logan knocked on the door.

An irritated voice shouted, "Go away!"

Logan knocked harder, and finally, a very old, very bald man answered. He looked through a hole cut in the door at about chest-height on Logan.

"What? What?" the old man demanded.

"Are you the Xavier who worked for the king all those years?" Logan asked.

"The king's stinking son fired me," Xavier, for indeed it was he, answered. "And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!" Xavier slammed the peephole shut.

Logan knocked again. ~Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!~ Xavier threatened, this time his voice inside their minds, startling both men. Logan and Hank exchanged glances and shrugged.

"I'm on the Brute Squad," Hank said.

Xavier opened the peephole again, taking in the two large, scary-looking men. "You *are* the brute squad," he agreed.

"We need a miracle. It's very important," Logan said.

"Look, I'm retired," Xavier said. "Besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired. I might kill whomever you want me to make the miracle for."

"He's already dead," Logan told him.

"He is, eh? I was always good at dead." The door opened, revealing a dapper man in a wheelchair. "I'll have a look. Bring him in."

Hank and Logan entered the small house and Hank gently laid Scott's body down on the table Xavier indicated.

The miracle man examined Scott. "I've seen worse," he murmured, shrugging.

"Look, Wheels, we're in a rush here," Logan said, quickly growing impatient with the old man's dithering.

"Excuse me?"

"We're in a terrible rush," Logan repeated.

"Don't rush me, sonny," Xavier snapped. "You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles." He returned to his examination of the body. After a few moments, he asked, "You got money?"

"Sixty-five," Logan said.

"Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause."

"This is noble, sir," Hank said before Logan could speak. "His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation..."

"Are you a rotten liar!" Xavier snorted.

Hank shrugged and held his hands up helplessly. Logan rolled his eyes.

"I need him to help get revenge on the bastards who stole my life," Logan said.

"Your first story was better," Xavier responded. "Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him." He rolled to the head of the table and inserted the bellows cram into Scott's mouth.

"He's dead," Logan pointed out. "He can't talk."

"Ooh! Look who knows so much, eh?" Xavier said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."

"What's that?" Hank asked, intrigued.

"Go through his clothes and look for loose change." Logan snickered and Xavier pumped air into Scott. Then he yelled at him. "Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for?" And he pushed down on Scott's chest.

The words escaped, barely audible, from Scott's lips. "True...love..."

"True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that," Hank said excitedly.

Xavier nodded. "True love is the greatest thing in the world," he agreed, "except for a nice BLT -- bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich -- when the bacon is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated."

A voice shrieked, "Liar! Liar! Liar!" and the miracle man's redheaded wife flew into the room. Logan thought she was hot, but her voice was hurting his ears.

"Get back, witch!" Xavier commanded.

"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife," she snapped. "But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore."

"You never had it so good, Jean." Xavier aimed a rueful grin and a shrug at Logan, as if to say, "we men know how lost you'd be without us, poor dears."

Jean was having none of it. "True love, Charles! He said true love!"

"Don't say another word, Jean," Xavier warned.

Logan and Hank watched the marital spat in disbelief.

"You're afraid," Jean continued. She turned to the two visitors. "Ever since Magneto fired him, his confidence has shattered."

"Why'd you say that name?" Xavier, who had seemed so dapper and urbane, was yelling like a fishwife now. "You promised me that you would never say that name!"

"What, Magneto?" Jean taunted.

Xavier cringed.

Jean said it again. "Magneto!"

"Ahh!" Xavier moaned.

Jean chased Xavier around the room yelling. Xavier covered his ears. Of course, it didn't help much, because they were both telepathic, and she was yelling inside his head, too.

"Magneto! Magneto! Magneto! Magneto! Magneto!"

"I'm not listening!"

"True love is expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!" Jean shrieked.

Logan, at the end of his rope, interrupted. "This is Princess Rogue's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Magneto's wedding!"

Xavier looked at his wife. "Shut up!"

"Thank you," Logan murmured, rubbing his ears. "Thank you so much."

"So, I make him better, Magneto suffers?" Xavier wanted clarification.

"Humiliations galore," Hank confirmed.

Xavier laughed. "*That* is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!"

After sending Hank and Logan on a few errands to gather supplies, and with help from Jean, Xavier concocted a resurrection pill for Scott. Hank watched, fascinated. Medicine was only recently becoming acceptable in West Chester -- many people still relied on miracle men such as Xavier to heal their ills.

When he was done, he held up what looked like a chocolate coated golf ball.

"That's a miracle pill?" Logan asked skeptically.

"The chocolate coating makes it go down easier," Jean explained. "But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before it takes effect. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least..."

"An hour," Xavier interrupted.

"An hour," Jean finished.

"A good hour," Xavier repeated. He handed the pill to Hank. "Here. "

Logan hefted Scott's body and headed out the door. "Thanks, Chuck."

Hank stayed behind a moment to offer more civilized thanks. "Thank you for everything," he said. "This was absolutely fascinating. Would you mind if I stopped by sometime to discuss your methods?"

Xavier shrugged. "Okay."

"Bye, boys," Jean sang out, waving, leaning against her husband's wheelchair.

"Have fun storming the castle!" Xavier added.

After they were out of sight, Jean said, "Think it will work?"

"It would take a miracle."

***

10.

At dusk, Logan and Hank hid behind a wall, looking down at the main gate of the castle.

"Logan, there's more than thirty!"

Logan propped Scott up against the wall and shrugged. "What's the difference? We've got *him*! Help me here. We have to force-feed him."

"Has it been fifteen minutes?" Hank asked.

Another shrug. "We can't wait. The wedding is in half an hour. We have to hit 'em in the confusion beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth." Hank did as Logan asked and Logan slipped the chocolate-covered pill into Scott's mouth.

"How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?" Logan asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Hank responded. "This is beyond the realm of medicine as I've studied it."

They waited a few moments, and then they dove apart as Scott opened his eyes and blasted a harmless tree into rubble.

"My visor," he gasped, clenching his eyes shut tightly.

Hank dusted himself off and pulled the visor from his backpack.

Scott slipped it on and got a good look at his companions. He was still quite disoriented.

"I beat you both apart!" he said. "I'll take you both together!"

"I guess not very long," Logan observed, answering his own question.

"Why won't my arms move?" Scott asked, starting to panic.

"You've been mostly dead all day," Hank explained.

"We had Xavier make a pill to bring you back," Logan added.

Scott was full of questions. "Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Rogue?"

"Let me explain," Logan began, "no, there is too much. Let me sum up. Rogue is marrying Magneto in little less than half an hour. So, all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, and make our escape -- after I kill Sabretooth."

"That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying," Scott observed.

"Oh, my stars and garters! You just wiggled your finger!" Hank exclaimed. "That's wonderful!" He was paying very close attention to Scott's condition. Modern medicine had nothing on miracle men, it seemed.

"I've always been a quick healer," Scott said modestly. "What are our liabilities?"

"There's only one working castle gate, and it's guarded by sixty men."

"And our assets?"

"Your brains, Hank's strength, my adamantium."

"That's it?" Scott said, disgusted. "Impossible. If I had a month to plan, *maybe* I could come up with something. But this--" he trailed off, despair starting to fill him at the idea of Rogue married to Magneto.

"You just shook your head," Hank pointed out. "That doesn't make you happy?"

"My brains, his adamantium and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?" Scott said acerbically. "I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.

"Huh," Logan said. "Where did we put that wheelbarrow Toad had?"

"Over Toad, I think," Hank said.

"Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?" Scott snapped. He wished his pirates were with him now. He sighed. He was going to have to make do with these two. "What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak," he said, a plan beginning to take shape in his mind.

"There we can't help you. Sorry, bub," Logan said, shrugging.

Hank pulled a black cloak out from under his shirt. "Would this do?"

"Where did you get that?" Logan asked, surprised.

"At Xavier's. It fit so nicely, he said I could keep it."

"All right, all right," Scott said. "Help me up." They did so. "Eventually, I'll need a sword."

Logan snorted. "Why? You can't even lift one."

"True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?" Logan handed him a sword. "Thank you." He tested its weight as he leaned against the stone wall. "Now, there may be problems once we're inside."

"I'll say," Logan began. "How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?"

Hank poked Logan's arm. "Don't pester him. He's had a hard day."

Logan had the grace to look abashed. "Right, right. Sorry."

"Logan?"

"What, Hank?"

"I hope we win."

***

Meanwhile, inside the castle, Magneto went to get Rogue out of the room in which he'd locked her.

"You don't seem excited, my little muffin," he said.

"Should I be?"

"Brides often are, I'm told," he replied with a shrug.

"I do not marry tonight," she said haughtily. "My Scott will save me." And she swept past him, head held high.

***

She could not escape her fate, however.

A few minutes later found her in the chapel with Magneto. Music blared and the Bishop -- Bishop Bishop, in fact, once the most renowned warrior in all of West Chester, he had found religion and changed his ways -- began to speak. He had been known as "the Silent" when he led the army, because of a speech impediment he'd been too embarrassed to have exposed.

His conversion to religion had changed his reluctance to speak in public, and he'd risen far and fast through the ranks of the clergy -- so far, in fact, that he was, that very evening, presiding over the marriage of Prince Magneto to Princess Rogue.

"Mawwiage," he began, and no one laughed, because he had a fearsome reputation, "Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam..."

***

The Captain of the Guard's voice could be heard in the chapel, ordering his men to stand their ground against an attack.

They had dressed Hank in the holocaust cloak and Logan and Scott (mostly Logan, since Scott was still recovering from being dead) were pushing him in the wheelbarrow. He looked enormous and terrifying.

"I am the Dread Pirate Sinister!" he bellowed in a fearsome basso profundo. "There will be no survivors!"

"Now?" Logan murmured as the brutes guarding the gate scattered.

"Not yet," Scott answered.

"My men are here! I am here!" Hank intoned. "But soon -- you will not be here!"

Logan was very strong, but Hank's weight was quite prodigious. He was barely able to hold the doctor up. "Now?" he asked again.

Scott nodded. "Light him!" he hissed, and they lit Hank's robe with a torch.

"The Dread Pirate Sinister takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!" Hank said and then he laughed maniacally in his flaming cloak.

The few guards who hadn't scattered at his appearance made themselves scarce now.

***

In the chapel, Bishop Bishop continued his sermon on marriage. "Then wuv, twue wuv, will follow you fowever..." while Hank instilled fear in the hearts of everyone who was supposed to be defending the castle.

***

"The Dread Pirate Sinister is here for your souls!" he exclaimed, really getting into the part now.

Doug tried to get his men to fight, but they didn't heed his command. They ran like little children from the bogeyman.

***

Bishop Bishop was really hitting his stride now. "So tweasure youw--"

"Skip to the end," Magneto demanded, interrupting him. He heard the commotion outside -- everyone heard the commotion outside -- and he didn't want his plans to be disrupted.

"Have you -- the wing?" the bishop asked.

"Here comes my Scott now," Rogue said confidently.

***

Hank took off the robe. Only Doug was left defending the entrance to the castle. He ran inside and tried to lower the portcullis.

"Hank," Scott cried, "the portcullis!"

With great difficulty, Hank managed to hold the portcullis up long enough for Logan and Scott to follow Doug inside. He slipped under it himself and let it fall the ground with a great clang.

***

"Your Scott is dead," Magneto hissed. "I killed him myself."

"Then why is there fear behind your eyes?" Rogue asked.

***

Scott backed Doug up against the wall. "Give us the gate key," he said.

"I have no gate key."

Logan rolled his eyes and looked at Hank. "Hank, tear his arms off."

Doug pulled a key on a chain out from under his tunic and handed it to Scott. "Oh, you mean this gate key?"

***

Bishop was working through the wedding vows. "Do you Pwincess Wogue--"

"Man and wife!" Magneto snapped, thoroughly annoyed. "Say man and wife!"

"Man and wife," Bishop said accommodatingly.

"Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite," Magneto ordered his aged parents. "I'll be there shortly."

"He didn't come," Rogue whispered, desolate.

***

Hank, Logan and Scott made their way through castle, searching for Rogue and the taloned man. Hank practically had to carry Scott. Logan led the way, sniffing the air cautiously.

He stopped suddenly, and held a hand up. Hank and Scott paused.

Logan unsheathed his claws as Sabretooth and a group of soldiers rounded the corner.

"Kill the hairy one and the Beast," Creed snarled, "but leave the third for questioning."

The guards tried to rush by Logan, but they were no match for his brilliant fighting skills. Logan finished off all four and faced Sabretooth, grinning fiercely.

"Hey, bub," he said, as he'd practiced for the last fifteen years, "my name is Logan. You stole my life. Prepare to die."

Sabretooth bowed and appeared ready to engage Logan in a duel; then he turned and ran like a coward. Logan chased him, but he ran down a corridor and locked one of the doors behind him. Logan wasn't strong enough to break it down.

"Hank!" he called. "Hank, I need you!"

Hank was torn -- he knew how much killing Sabretooth meant to Logan, but Scott was still weak and needed his support. "I can't leave him alone!"

Logan thrust his claws into the door, but he couldn't get it open. "Hank, he's getting away from me! Please! Hank!"

Hank sighed and turned to Scott, who was leaning against a wall. "I'll be right back."

With his great strength, he easily knocked down the door Logan was struggling with.

"Thank you," Logan yelled back over his shoulder as he continued to chase the Count.

Hank made his way back to where he'd left Scott, but Scott was nowhere to be found. Sighing at the ability of a recently dead man to disappear so quickly, Hank went off in search of him.

***

The King and Queen escorted Rogue from the chapel.

"Strange wedding," the King mumbled. He was very old, and very deaf, and he always mumbled. No one but the Queen could understand him.

"Yes, a very strange wedding," his wife agreed. They arrived at Rogue's bedchamber door. "Come along."

Rogue brushed a kiss against the King's hair.

"What was that for?" he asked, blushing.

"Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself as soon as you leave.."

"Won't that be nice," he said happily to his wife. "She kissed me!"

And the Queen led the giggling King away.

***

Sabretooth led Wolverine on a merry chase, but eventually he ran into a dead end. Creed pulled a dagger from his boot, surprising Logan. Sabretooth threw it, hitting Logan right in the gut.

Logan fell to his knees, growling. His claws extended almost of their own volition.

"You must be that Canadian asshole I sold out to the government all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've been tracking me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous."

***

In the honeymoon suite, Rogue was preparing to kill herself with a knife Magneto had given her for their engagement.

Unbeknownst to her, Scott was lying on her bed, waiting for her.

She sat down at her vanity and unlaced her bodice, placing the blade to her chest.

"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world," Scott said, startling her. "It would be a pity to damage yours."

"Scott! Oh, Scott darling!" She dove onto the bed and kissed him all over, taking care never to actually touch his bare skin. He lay quiescent, enjoying their reunion passively. Rogue found this strangely out of character. "Scott," she asked, "why won't you hold me?"

"Gently," Scott murmured as she pulled him into her arms.

"At a time like this, that is all you can think to say? Gently?"

Rogue accidentally banged Scott's head on the headboard of the bed, earning another, stronger, "Gently," from her beloved.

She sighed and kissed the top of his head.

***

Logan pulled the dagger from his stomach and tried to stand, waiting for his healing factor to kick in.

"Good heavens, are you still trying to win?" Sabretooth sneered. "You've got an over-developed sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday."

Creed tried to slash Logan through the heart, but Logan blocked the attack with his claws and Sabretooth only wounded his arms.

"Hey, bub," Logan ground out, "my name is Logan. You stole my life. Prepare to die."

Logan could feel his intestines and other internal organs start healing, but not quite fast enough. Sabretooth and Logan continued to exchange attacks, and Logan again said, "Hey, bub, my name is Logan. You stole my life. Prepare to die."

Logan's healing factor finally knit his stomach together, though he hid it from his opponent until the best possible moment. Sabretooth thought he had finished his old enemy off. Then Logan lunged at him, yelling, "Hey, bub, my name is Logan. You stole my life. Prepare to die."

Sabretooth was angry and frightened. Suddenly, what had seemed like an easy battle had become one he might lose. "Stop saying that!" he snapped as Logan pinked him.

As Logan's strength came back, his rage at what had been done to him increased. "Hey, bub, my name is Logan. You stole my life. Prepare to die." He cornered Creed and slashed his cheek. "Offer me money!" he demanded, slashing his other cheek.

"All that I have and more. Please--"

"Offer me anything I ask for."

"Anything you want," he said, trying to stab Logan.

Logan plunged his claws into Sabretooth's chest and screamed, "I want my memory back, you son of a bitch!" Sabretooth fell to the floor, and Logan decapitated him, just to make sure he was all dead, instead of only mostly dead.

Then he ran off to find Scott and Hank.

***

"Oh, Scott," Rogue said, burying her face in his chest. "Will you ever forgive me?"

"What hideous sin have you committed lately?" Scott teased.

Rogue's voice was muffled as she said, "I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast."

"It never happened." His voice was confident, and he stroked a reassuring hand down her back.

"What?"

"It never happened."

Rogue raised her head and looked at him like he was crazy. "But it did! I was there. This weird man with a lisp said, 'man and wife.'"

Scott grasped her chin with a gloved hand so he could look her in the eye. "Did you say I do?"

"Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part."

Scott shrugged. "Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it." His voice changed. "Wouldn't you agree, your highness?"

Magneto had appeared in the doorway. "A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first." He drew his sword and leapt into the room, looking remarkably foolish. "To the death!" he cried.

Scott sat up slowly. "No," he responded. "To the pain!"

Magneto paused mid-lunge. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase." His voice held a question.

"I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon!"

"That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me."

"It won't be the last," Scott informed him. "To the pain means that the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles. Then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose--"

"Then my tongue, I suppose?" Magneto interrupted, not at all impressed. "I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight."

"I wasn't finished," Scott said. "The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right."

"And then my ears," Magneto said, nodding. "I understand. Let's get on with it!"

"Wrong!" Scott's voice rang out. "Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'Dear God, what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

"I think you're bluffing."

Scott shrugged again. "It's possible. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand.

"Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all." Slowly, he stood, his sword pointed at Magneto's chest. "Drop your sword," he commanded.

Magneto dropped his sword on the floor.

"Now have a seat." Scott indicated a chair with his sword and turned to the princess. "Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like."

As Rogue was tying up her erstwhile fiancé, Logan rushed into the room.

"Where's Hank?" he asked. He was all covered in blood, but he was grinning fiercely at his triumph over his old enemy.

"I thought he was with you," Scott said. Logan shook his head. "In that case--" Scott started walking toward the door, but almost fell over.

"Help him," Logan said to Rogue.

She grasped Scott's arm and asked, "Why does Scott need helping?"

"Because he has no strength."

"I knew it!" Magneto said, struggling to get free from his bonds. "I knew you were bluffing!"

Logan flashed his claws. Magneto laughed, and, with a gesture of his head, held the big Canadian immobile.

"What the--"

But Rogue had already pulled off one of her gloves and approached the Prince. "Don't make me hurt you," she said.

He rolled his eyes but released his hold on Logan.

"Do you want me to kill him for you?" Logan asked eagerly.

"Thank you, but no," Scott replied. "Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice."

Logan reluctantly agreed to leave the Prince unharmed.

He heard his name being called and rushed to the window.

"Logan! Logan! Where are you?" It was Hank. "Oh, there you are. Logan, I saw the Prince's stable, and there they were four white horses. And I thought, 'there are four of us, if we ever find the lady.'" Scott and Rogue joined Logan at the window, to see Hank on a horse. "Hello lady!" he said, bowing ostentatiously. "So I took them with me in case we bumped into each other. I guess we just did."

"Good job, Hank."

The blue, furry man beamed. "Why, thank you, Logan."

In order to make their escape, they needed to jump out the window to where Hank was waiting. Rogue went first, and Hank caught her.

Logan turned to Scott as they waited. "You know," he said, "it's very strange. I've been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

Scott grinned. "Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Sinister." Logan jumped and Scott followed him.

The four friends rode to freedom. As dawn broke, Scott and Rogue knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...

// "Hey! Why'd you stop it?" Thomas exclaimed.

"It's kissing again," Jubilee answered. "You don't want to watch that."

"Well," the boy said, "I don't mind so much."

Jubes shrugged. "Okay." And she restarted the movie. //

Scott and Rogue dismounted to watch the sunrise. When Scott leaned in to kiss her on the lips, she jerked away. "My skin--"

He shook his head. "I have died and come back, Rogue. Not even your skin can keep us apart now," he said, and he pressed his lips to hers. The connection never opened. He was somehow immune to her powers.

Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

***

Epilogue

There was a great commotion in the foyer and it made its way into the rec room, where the movie had just ended, and Rogue was still sleeping, curled up against Scott's side.

"Where is she? Where's Rogue?" Logan demanded, for indeed it was he, returned from his long quest for his past.

"Logan, she's been ill," Jean began, trying to warn him; Rogue was paler than usual from her bout with pneumonia, and Jean didn't want to be accused of not taking care of the young woman he'd, well, she tried not to think the word "abandoned" but it was the only one that seemed to fit.

"That's why I came back," he replied, his tone full of sarcastic condescension. "Remember? You called me on the old brain-phone?"

He pushed his way into the living room and the children magically cleared the way for him.

"Marie?" he said softly, ignoring everyone else at the sight of the young woman curled up at Scott's side. "Marie, darlin', wake up. It's me."

She stretched and purred sensuously. "Mmm... Scott?" Then her eyelids fluttered open and she took in the scene. Her dream receded into the dim vaults of her mind and she flushed bright red at her faux pas.

Scott simply smirked as the Canadian growled. "No, baby, it's *me.*"

"Logan!" she exclaimed, beaming, before the coughing fit began.

He gathered her up into his arms and said, "Yeah, kid. I'm back for good. Now, what do you say you and I go up to your room and see if I can't make you better." He ran a hand through her hair, coming perilously close to touching her bare skin.

"Logan," Jean interrupted, "I don't think--"

"You don't have to," Rogue said at the same time. "I'm getting better on my own."

"Well, let's just go upstairs anyway," he said, "and we can catch up on what you've been doing."

"And you'll tell me all about Canada?" she asked, suddenly feeling like the awkward seventeen-year-old she'd been when last they'd been together. "I mean, if you want to."

"As you wish, darlin'. As you wish," he answered, and he carried her to her room.

The End

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Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and/or Fox. I do not own them and do not intend any infringement on their copyright. The Princess Bride belongs to William Goldman and Castle Rock.