j a c o b . h a v e . i . l o v e d

Jacob Have I Loved
[by victoria p.]

Rating: G

Summary: They are brothers, after all.

Notes: Thanks to and for the beta. This story is exactly 1,000 words – 10 interconnected drabbles of 100 words each.

Date: September 6, 2005

As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. Romans 9:13

Regulus is never not conscious of Sirius. He cannot remember a time when Sirius wasn't there, cannot conceive of a world without Sirius in it.

Sirius is bright and strong, and when Regulus is hurt or scared, it is to Sirius that he runs. Sirius holds him close beneath the blankets, strokes his hair, whispers that everything will be all right. Regulus wants to be brave like Sirius.

When Mother gets angry, Sirius knows the best places to hide; he always shares his sweets and toys.

Sirius is the center of the universe, and Regulus is happy in his orbit.

ii.

Sirius's trunk is packed and they are leaving early in the morning to take him to King's Cross. Regulus's stomach feels as if he's eaten too many chocolate frogs and they're all jumping around in there, but Sirius doesn't seem nervous at all. Sirius never seems nervous.

"I wish I could go, too," Regulus says wistfully.

Sirius grins and punches him in the shoulder. "You will. In two years. It'll be so cool."

"It seems so far away."

"I'll owl every week."

"Promise?"

Sirius holds out his hand and they pull pinkies -- the most solemn oath nine-year-old Regulus knows.

"Promise."

iii.

He can hear Mother's angry curses all the way up in the attic. The house is strange that way -- whispers sound like screams sometimes, and screams like whispers, depending on where you are and what you're saying.

When Regulus finally comes downstairs, pretending he is brave like Sirius, Mother is angrier than he's ever seen her.

"Gryffindor," she says, holding a crumpled letter in the fist she shakes at Father. "This is all your fault. You were too lenient." She curves a cold white hand against Regulus's cheek. "Things will be different from now on, my dear," she says. He shivers.

iv.

Sirius is different when he comes back. All he talks about is James this and James that, and occasionally, Remus or Peter. He spends a lot of time locked in his room, first by punishment, then by choice.

Regulus doesn't understand, and isn't sure he wants to. Mother brushes his hair and tells him he is her favorite -- he'll never disappoint her like Sirius has. Regulus wants to believe her.

Sirius is different, but some things are still the same. They still hide together in the attic when Mother yells at Father, and Sirius still shares his chocolate frogs.

The next year, Mother teaches him herself. She tells him he is her dear, sweet boy, and when he goes to school he'll make up for the shame Sirius has brought upon the family.

When he does well, she strokes his hair and kisses his cheek. She is happy, and he doesn't have to hide in the attic.

The letters from Hogwarts come frequently, but they're rarely from Sirius, only about him, and that makes Mother angry. When that happens, she makes Regulus promise not to break her heart the way Sirius has. He doesn't understand, but he always agrees.

vi.

Sirius lets Regulus sit with him and his friends on the Hogwarts Express, but they disappear when the train arrives at Hogwarts and Regulus is alone with the other first years as they enter the Great Hall.

The Sorting Hat is kindly, and Regulus looks longingly toward where Sirius sits with his friends, laughing under the banner of Gryffindor red and gold. But he thinks of Mother -- her cold white hands and her sharp red smile -- and remembers the promises he's made.

He manages to smile when the hat shouts, "Slytherin!" and pretends to ignore the frown on Sirius's face.

vii.

He tries, at first, to stay close to Sirius, but everyone interferes -- their cousins, Sirius's friends, Mother.

It is easier, in the end, to accept that Sirius has no wish to be friends, has no wish to be brothers any longer, now that he has James. Regulus finds his own level, learns to make friends of his own, Slytherin friends. Mother smiles on them like a benediction when they visit.

Mother yells at Sirius now, and Regulus stands at her side, echoing her words, "Worthless, tainted, filth, traitor." Sirius grins back as if the words are blessings instead of curses.

viii.

Regulus is proud the day he takes the mark, fearless even as the magic burns his arm, bonding him forever in service to the Dark Lord, the savior of the wizarding world.

He is less proud the first time he's sent to kill Mudbloods. He watches in horror as Bellatrix tortures them into madness, playing with them the way a cat toys with mice. He's sick afterwards, her mocking laughter ringing in his ears.

The cleansing fire he expected is in reality a mire of blood and piss and vomit. He learns all blood is red when it is spilled.

ix.

There's no one he can turn to -- Sirius rebuffs him and Mother cannot know, lest she think him weak.

He visits Andromeda secretly, but realizes that to speak would put her whole family in danger. They drink tea and talk of trivial things; he plays Gobstones with young Nymphadora.

As he leaves, Andromeda presses a kiss to his cheek and tells him he's not without friends, if he's changed his mind. He wishes he could believe her, but sees only one way out of his predicament. For the first time in years, he tries to imagine what Sirius would do.

He takes Kreacher with him, swears the house-elf to secrecy. Makes him drink the potion. While Kreacher is writhing and screeching, Regulus grabs the Horcrux and replaces it with an imitation. He knows someone -- Dumbledore or Sirius or James Potter's Mudblood wife -- will eventually defeat Voldemort, and he wants Voldemort to know he had a hand in it. The note, he thinks, is worthy of Sirius himself, and though Regulus is sure he will be dead soon, he wants Sirius to know, as well.

They are brothers after all, he thinks, as he raises his wand to destroy the locket.

end

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