i n . s m a l l . d e g r e e s

In Small Degrees (Everybody Falls)
[by victoria p.]

Rating: PG

Summary: Shipboard romances never work out, but damned if she don't make him want to try.

Spoilers: for the movie

Notes: Thanks to luzdeestrellas and bluerosefairy for betaing, and to Mousapelli, Bethy and hossgal for listening and helping out when I was stuck. All errors are mine. Title from Josh Joplin Group.

Date: November 23, 2005

There are too many empty places at the dinner table, Mal thinks, looking around. This is why he don't approve of shipboard romances -- Zoe doesn't come to dinner half the time now that Wash is gone, and since Kaylee and the doctor broke it off a few days ago, Kaylee ain't been eating with them, either. She don't hardly leave the engine room, and when Mal makes his way down there after dinner, plate in hand, he hears muffled crying. He's got no truck with crying girls. They make him feel awkward and shameful, as if it's his fault they're crying, even when it ain't.

He's tempted to leave the plate on the floor and walk away, but she says, "Cap'n?"

He bites back a sigh and joins her on the floor beside the engine. "Hey. How'd you know it was me?"

"Wouldn't be no one else."

He opens his mouth to deny it, but realizes that the way things are, it's probably true. He offers the plate. "Brought you some dinner."

"Aw, thanks, Cap'n." She sniffs and smiles, wiping her eyes and nose on her sleeve. "You always take care of me."

She picks at the food, don't eat hardly enough in his opinion, but he ain't gonna fuss over her like a mother hen.

"You gotta eat more than that, Kaylee. You ain't hardly ate enough to feed a bird." He pushes her damp hair out of her eyes. "I know my cooking ain't as good as yours, but at least it's better than Jayne's."

She makes an effort, takes a couple more mouthfuls, and he can't blame her, really. Molded protein ain't all that comforting when what you really want is your momma's meat loaf and mashed potatoes. And chocolate cake, no doubt. He'd bet most of what he owns that Mrs. Frye makes a mean chocolate cake.

He shifts, making ready to stand, and she clutches his arm, crying again. He puts the plate to the side and wraps an arm around her shoulders. She presses her face to his chest, heaving and sniffling and sobbing to beat the band. He rests his head back against the wall and strokes her hair. Her tears are hot and they soak his shirt, but he doesn't move.

"The doc's got a lot of responsibility," he says, wondering why he's making excuses for Simon. He shouldn't have gotten involved at all, but it does get awful lonely out in the black with naught but your own right hand for company at night, and Kaylee can be powerful persuasive when she wants to be.

"I know. I knew River would always come first," she says, rubbing her cheek against his shoulder, reminding him of a cat he had as a boy, a sleek gray mouser used to live in the barn and loved to be petted. "At least, I knew it here," she looks up, points to her head, "but not so much here," and lays a hand over her heart.

Her face is a mess, eyes red and swollen, cheeks shiny with tears and snot, his pretty Kaylee all worked up over that gorram rich boy doctor. He presses a kiss to her forehead. "You want me to shoot him?" he asks, only mostly joking.

That wins him a soft laugh. "Oh, Cap'n, you should've learned by now that shooting folks ain't the way to solve your problems."

He laughs, as well. "Haven't yet, mèimei, haven't yet." He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and offers it to her.

"You're a right gentleman, Captain Reynolds," she says, blowing her nose. "And your momma would be proud. I don't care what everyone else says."

He stands then, because he don't want to discuss his momma right now, not even with Kaylee, who's heard most of his stories about her at least once, and gives her a courtly bow. "Thank you, Miss Kaylee. 'Tweren't nothing."

She flicks the handkerchief at him, face lit up with a grin. "Oh, go on, you." As he's walking away, she says, "Thanks, Cap'n."

He turns in the doorway, half in and half out of the engine room, "Any time. And if you change your mind about the shooting...."

He walks away to the sound of her laughter, thinking there's been too much crying on Serenity lately, and glad that for once, he could do something to change that.

***

Work starts rolling in again slowly; they do a job, and then a second, and a third. Inara's contacts help somewhat, and Monty comes through in the clutch.

Mal starts putting aside a little coin for a special purpose, and when they finally circle back to the Core, the time comes to put it to use. He leaves River on the bridge to handle the landing and stops in to see Inara.

"You got a full schedule?" he asks, entering the shuttle without invitation.

She turns and looks up, irritation flaring in her eyes. "None of your business."

He bites back a sarcastic response, 'cause he's not there to fight. Things have been both easier and harder with her back on board, but he's handling it. "No, it's not, but I was hoping you'd maybe have time to take Kaylee shopping. Make sure she buys something that's not engine parts or tools." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money pouch. "Some gewgaw or foofaraw that makes her feel pretty."

"Oh." Inara rises gracefully. He offers her the money and she says, "I know things are difficult right now. I could--"

He smiles tightly and jostles the pouch so it jingles in his hand. "No need. I've been saving up."

Her eyebrows rise, and he's a little taken aback at how hurt he is that she's surprised, as if they wouldn't all give their share of the take to buy Kaylee pretty things if they could. Well, maybe Jayne wouldn't, or he'd expect sexual favors in return, but he ain't Jayne.

"Oh," she says again, and takes the pouch. The brush of their fingers sends a shiver of heat up his arm.

"Yeah." His voice is husky and he rocks back on his heels, the scent of her perfume making his head spin.

"Of course. I'll make sure she gets something that makes her happy."

"Mind, something that ain't engine parts," he says, and Inara laughs, because it would be just like Kaylee to spend the money on parts for Serenity, and normally he'd be all for that, but not this time.

"You could do it yourself."

"Got neither the time nor the patience for fripperies," he replies, "and no sense of what girls like, anyhow." As he says it, he tenses, and she doesn't disappoint.

"No, you really don't."

He manages to laugh, because it's a lot milder than it could have been, and walks away feeling like he's done something right for once.

***

Inara is in the kitchen when he, Jayne and Zoe get back from their meeting. They got some work, and Zoe unbent enough to threaten Jayne a bit on the way back, so Mal is in a good mood. The faint citrus scent of Inara's special tea fills the air, steam wreathing her face as she drinks.

"How'd the shopping go?"

She looks up and smiles. "I think you'll be pleased."

"Ain't gotta please me," he replies before he can stop himself, and her smile dims just a touch. "Just Kaylee."

"Well, Kaylee is happy."

"Good. A happy mechanic means a happy boat." He fights hard not to fidget, feeling like a raw recruit on his first day in camp when Inara looks at him. Her hand on his arm almost makes him jump out of his skin.

"I thought," she says, her voice low, like they're telling secrets, "I hoped, anyway, that they'd make it work."

"Too different," he replies. "Some gaps can't be bridged, no matter how much we want to."

"But I thought, out here.... He can't go back."

"No, but he ain't yet stopped wanting to." Though that's not fair to the doc neither. "And then there's always gonna be River, and River--"

"She's better."

"Yeah. But she's never gonna be what you call normal. And it ain't like he's got someone out here can take her off his hands, even if the Alliance really has stopped looking for her, which I don't rightly believe they have, no matter what kind of luck we've been having lately." He shifts, leans against the counter. Inara looks so sad and he wants to make her feel better. "Underneath all your airs and wiles, you're a romantic," he teases, reaching out a hand to cup her cheek and then dropping it before he touches her. Fairy tales, he reminds himself, ain't real life. She's not a princess in disguise, and he's no prince.

Her eyes flicker -- is that regret? He can't separate what he sees from what he wants to see -- and she says, "Kaylee brings out the romantic in all of us, I think. After all, I'm not the one buying her presents."

"Oh, that ain't nothing. A few fripperies to make our girl smile again keeps Serenity running smooth. I like smooth."

"Right," she says, but the sparkle in her eye tells him she sees right through him.

"Jealous?" he blurts before he can stop himself.

It's like a mask comes down over her face; the warmth and sparkle disappear and she's every inch the grand lady. "Hardly."

"Right, I forgot. I ain't got a bank account that can afford the kind of gifts you're used to," he snaps back, then rubs his hand over his forehead. He huffs a laugh that's free of mirth. "Dui bu qi. I just--" She watches him warily, not accepting his apology, but not rejecting it outright either. He shakes his head. "Thanks, for taking care of Kaylee."

"You're welcome," she says, and walks away.

***

Kaylee shanghais him after dinner. Simon and River are doing the washing up, and neither Zoe nor Inara linger at the table once the discussion of their next job is over, and he never can resist the joy in Kaylee's eyes, even when he teases her about it. Maybe especially when he teases her about it -- she shines even brighter then, like she knows what he means by it, so he don't ever have to say.

"Come on," she says, grabbing his hand and dragging him down into her bunk. "Don't you want to see what you got me?"

He shifts uncomfortably in the small, warm space. "It wasn't--"

"Don't say it wasn't nothing," she interrupts. "'Cause it's not." She rises up on her tip-toes and presses a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you."

She moves away, starts shimmying out of her coveralls, and he spins around so his back is to her. "You oughtn't go taking your clothes off in front of strange men, bâobèi," he says.

"You ain't a stranger," she answers cheerfully, "you're my Cap'n. And it ain't like you ain't seen it before." He opens his mouth, but he's got nothing to say to that, so he just sighs and closes it again. "Okay," she says after a few moments filled with the sound of material rustling, which makes him think of things he oughtn't be thinking of standing in Kaylee's bunk. "I'm decent again."

He turns to see her decked out in a green silk dress all embroidered with blue and gold thread, the kind of thing Inara might wear, except it don't even come to Kaylee's knees, and who knew her legs were so shapely? The color of it makes her eyes stand out in the soft light of her bunk and the silk clings to curves he forgets she has when she's zipped up in her coveralls.

"Wo de ma," he breathes. "You been hiding your light under a bushel, little Kaylee."

She beams at him. "You think?"

He takes a step toward her and puts his hands on her shoulders. He means it to be friendly -- he's touched Kaylee more times than he can count in the past few years, hugged and kissed and held her hand -- but the silk is smooth under his fingers and her gaze is soft and surprised. When he leans in, her breath is warm against his skin, and he finds himself noticing her lips, pink and parted and--

After a confused hesitation that lasts a second too long, he kisses her forehead, and her skin is warm and soft under his lips. He lingers for a moment, breathing her in, and then backs away.

"Definitely. Doc's gonna be kicking himself for letting you slip away," he says, moving toward the hatch.

"Where're you going? Don't you wanna see the lacy underthings you bought me?"

He flees up the ladder, the sound of her laughter following him, the image of her in lacy underthings unspooling in his brain before he can stop it.

He knows she ain't no blushing virgin -- the way they'd met showed him that -- but he tries not to think about her like that, the way he tries not to think about Zoe like that, and if sometimes he mucks it up, well, he's only a man, and the way Kaylee looks in her new dress (and what she might look like out of it, a small, naughty part of his brain whispers) is enough to make him remember it.

***

Time passes, heals. That's the way of things, even out here in the black, without true day or night to mark its passage. Maybe especially out here, where they've got to work every gorram day to keep body and soul together, making new contacts to replace the dead, soothing the living into believing Serenity's crew ain't too hot to work with and can still get the job done, same as before.

He can see the question on their faces sometimes, wondering if one of his damn fool starts is going to get them all killed. Jayne grumbles a little more than he used to, eyes rolling white like he's a horse ready to bolt -- he took the Shepherd's death harder than expected -- but when that happens, Kaylee lays a hand on his arm and shakes her head, calming him in a way Mal doesn't expect from her.

"Cap'n'll see us through," she says. "Always has before."

Mal wonders where she comes by that confidence in him, and how she still holds to it, even after everything that's happened. He avoids looking at Zoe when she says it, but it warms him, makes him want to be worthy of it, and that's something he ain't felt in a long time.

Zoe ain't quite the same -- Mal can see the flash of pain in her eyes when she looks at him sitting in Wash's seat, toys all still laid out like a shrine on the console. Even he ain't willing to disturb that, despite their silliness. River's got the hang of flying, the way she gets the hang of everything, crazy genius girl, and she's especially sensitive to Serenity, knows how to love her, how to listen to her, even if she ain't got Wash's flair for dramatics yet. Mal thinks they could all do with a little less dramatics these days.

Kaylee bounces back, sunshiny as ever, and Mal can see the doc eyeing her, wondering if she'll give him a second chance to make her cry.

"You had your shot," he tells Simon one afternoon while getting stitched up after a little tussle on Boros.

Simon looks up from where he's working on Mal's arm. "What?"

"With Kaylee. You had your chance to break her heart and you did. Warned you not to, and you went and did it anyway. Only reason I didn't space you like I wanted was River would've had a fit."

Simon shakes his head. "I didn't-- Kaylee's the one who ended things, Captain. She said she couldn't make me choose between her and River."

Mal nods, though he hadn't known Kaylee'd been the one to break it off. Gives him pause, truth to say, that she's able to give up what she wanted so much when she saw it wasn't going to work out. Shows a strength he didn't realize she had. One he ain't ever mastered himself. "That don't change the fact that you hurt her, and you know things don't go well on this boat for folk who hurt Kaylee."

Simon laughs softly and finishes his stitching with the sharp clip of his scissors. "I do know that."

"Good. See you don't forget it." He flexes his arm; the doc knows his business. It probably won't scar.

He pretends he doesn't hear it when Simon says, "What will happen when you're the one hurting her?"

***

They've been working slow and steady, ain't even run afoul of the Alliance in weeks, though they surely do have other problems, same problems as everyone else in the 'verse -- getting work and putting money in their pockets so they can put food on the table. They're no strangers to hard work, and though Mal isn't much for philosophy, he knows all the toil makes the joys sweeter on the rare occasions they do happen.

Which is one reason he doesn't stop Kaylee from planning a big Christmas dinner, spending her own hard-earned money to feed the lot of them. He hadn't wanted to do it at all, but when he'd found Kaylee stringing lights in the cargo bay, ordering Jayne and Simon around like she was the captain instead of him, Zoe laid a hand on his arm 'fore he could speak, and he'd let it go. If Zoe was right with it, he wasn't going to keep Kaylee from her joy. He remembers coming into the dining area just after he'd hired her and seeing Kaylee up on a ladder, painting those little flowers all over everything, making his ship a home, his crew a family as effortlessly as she makes the engines hum.

She and Zoe spend Christmas morning cooking up a storm; Jayne even contributes his Ma's special cornbread dressing and it don't actually poison any of them, spite of Mal's worry. After the best dinner they've eaten in months, they sit around the table telling stories -- the happy ones -- and drinking some fine old whiskey he'd picked up on Beaumonde for the occasion.

End of the night, him and Kaylee's all that's left, sitting all companionable at the table, and his hand is still steady when he refills their glasses one more time. He's not sure how or why he ends up with a lap full of warm, soft girl, but the whiskey's taken the edge off and she sure does smell nice.

"Ain't you a little old for sitting in Santa's lap?"

She giggles. "Never too old to ask for what you want, Cap'n."

He wraps one arm around her and taps her nose playfully with his other hand. "And what might that be, pretty Kaylee?"

He's bracing himself for some tale of engine woe, wondering if he'll have enough money to cover it, so it's kind of a shock when Kaylee's mouth covers his, warm and soft and whiskey-soaked. Her tongue flutters against the roof of his mouth, and he meets it with his own, too caught up in the taste and feel of her at first to stop. She makes a little purring noise that shoots straight to his cock, and then pulls back to look at him, all starry-eyed and kiss-swollen.

He has to clear his throat before he can speak. "Kaylee, what--"

"You asked me what I wanted, Cap'n." She rests her head on his shoulder, rubbing against him like a cat. "I think I figured it out."

"I--" Whiskey and kissing have got him all befuddled, because he can't think of a damn thing to say.

"I know I ain't beautiful like Inara--"

"You're the prettiest girl on this boat," he says, because even if he's had too much whiskey and oughtn't say it, it's true. "But--"

"Girl. You think I'm still a girl, but I ain't. I'm a woman, and I got needs."

"Kaylee--"

Her lips turn up into a pout. "Jayne'd grapple with me. Jayne thinks I'm pretty."

He tightens his hold on her. "Gorramit, you stay away from Jayne. You ain't for the likes of him, bâobèi, and if he's bothering you--"

"Then who am I for the likes of, Cap'n? Simon's too good for me and Jayne ain't good enough. And you--"

"I never said Simon's too good for you! Ain't worthy to kiss your feet, if you ask me."

"I am asking you." She cups his face so he can't look away. "I'm asking you because I want you, though God knows why when you're such a houzi de pigu."

"Such language," he teases, taking refuge in following his instincts, because his brain sure ain't giving him the right answers. "And you kissed me with that mouth." Her eyes widen, deep and green-brown in the yellow light of the kitchen, and before he can think about it, he's leaning forward to kiss her again, because her mouth is soft and sweet despite her harsh words, and he can't stand to disappoint her, which maybe ain't the best reason to kiss someone, but he don't care when she makes a soft sound and sighs into his mouth. Been too long since he just held and kissed someone, and Kaylee fits perfectly on his lap and in his arms. Heat unfurls under his skin, slow pressure building in his belly at the slide of her tongue against his, hot and slow like honey.

This time, when he breaks the kiss, she's wearing a dreamy smile he knows will spell trouble come morning, but right now he can't bring himself to care.

"Go get some rest," he says, his voice a low rasp. "You had a busy day today, and work don't stop just 'cause it's Christmas."

"Aye, aye, Cap'n," she says breathlessly, mouth curved in a flirty little smile. She kisses him again, light brush of her lips on his, and then unfolds herself from his lap. She sways a little as she walks away, and while he knows it's the whiskey, he kind of likes to think it was kissing him that does it.

He goes to his own bunk soon after, telling himself the cold and empty feeling he's stuck with after she's gone ain't nothing but normal, and using a crewmember -- using Kaylee, of all people -- to make it go away is wrong.

By the time he falls asleep, he's pretty sure he believes it. Don't make him stop wanting her warmth, though he wishes it did.

***

She's got an extra sparkle to her in the morning, a spring in her step that just ain't right for someone who drank as much and slept as little as she has. She swoops down and aims a kiss at his mouth that lands on his cheek because he turns his head at the last minute.

She frowns, but Inara comes in then, a swirl of red and gold satin in a jasmine-scented cloud, and the light in Kaylee's eyes dims, which makes him feel gôushî bùrú.

"We'll be on Ariel for New Year's?" Inara asks, filling out a cup of tea.

"Yeah. Should arrive in time for whatever fancy party you're planning on going to," he says. He gets up, rolls the kinks out of his neck, and says, "Got some captain-y things to do." He doesn't like feeling uncomfortable in his own kitchen, and now it's not just the discomfort he's gotten used to with Inara, but tension with Kaylee, too. Maybe if he avoids Kaylee long enough, the awkwardness will blow over.

Kaylee looks down at her hands, and Inara frowns -- she would pick up on the strain between them, Mal thinks -- but Mal heads to the bridge before she can say anything.

Of course, Serenity ain't that big, and he can't avoid Kaylee for long anyway, seeing as how there seems to be trouble with the port thruster, which does make steering a mite problematical.

He leaves River on deck and heads down to the engine room, hollering, "Kaylee!"

She rolls out from beneath the engine. Her hair is pulled up in two pigtails and her face is smudged with grease, but the room itself is spotless.

"I know, Cap'n. I'm working on it," she says over the loud, uneasy whine the engine is making.

He crosses his arms over his chest and glares. "Well?"

She ain't fazed by his tetchiness. "It's nothing much." She rattles off a long string of technical talk that might as well be Greek to him, and finishes with, "So I rerouted it, but while I was working a bolt came loose and gummed up the works a bit." She slides back underneath the engine. "If you could just hand me--" She wiggles her fingers in the direction of her toolbox, and he hands her a wrench, noting how neat everything is. They've all taken to being a little more organized, a little more careful with things. It's reassuring to be able to put hands on the right tool at the right moment, though it doesn't always mean things will come out right at the end.

Even with the engine making a god-awful racket, he can hear her crooning as she works, talking to Serenity, soothing her. He remembers when she first came on board, how her excitement and joy lit Serenity, made her purr like she never had before, like he'd always known she could, in the right hands.

The whine stops, and she comes out from underneath, small smile on her face.

"There," she says. "Told you it weren't nothing." She pats the engine cover. "She's a good girl, just needed a little extra attention is all. Make sure you're not taking her for granted."

That checks him. "We still talking about Serenity?"

She wipes her hands on her coveralls, moves closer to him. He smells soap and grease and a hint of sweat; it reminds him of how she tasted when they kissed, which sets heat flaring in his belly. He's not sure if he wants to step up or step back, so he forces himself not to move at all.

She looks up at him, direct and troubled. "You liked kissing me, Cap'n. I know it."

"I did," he says. He doesn't want to lie to her and it's even truer than he'd care to admit. "It was a sweet thing, Kaylee, but it can't be happening again. Ain't right."

"And I liked kissing you. Think we could have a good thing together, more than just casual. Don't see why it's wrong."

"'Cause I'm the captain, and you're crew. Could be seen as me taking advantage, making you do things in order to keep your job--"

Her eyes widen in horror and she shakes her head. "Nobody'd think that! Nobody that matters, anyway."

He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, wondering how she can still be so innocent after so many years on his crew, living the life they lead, seeing what she's seen.

"And what about your daddy?"

"What about him?"

"Promised him I'd take care of his little girl, not grapple with her. I don't feature staring down the business end of his shotgun next time we take you home for a visit."

She shakes her head. "I'm a grown woman, Cap'n. Been on my own with you for a few years now. I love my daddy, but he's got no say in who I take to my bed."

"Maybe not, but it'd complicate things, and things on board are already complicated enough, what with Simon and--"

"Inara."

He stills. "Inara's got nothing to do with this."

"I know I'm not--"

He grabs her shoulders, probably tighter than he should. "Listen to me, Kaylee. You're a beautiful girl, and any man'd be happy to have you on his arm or in his bed," he says, his voice low and fierce. "You got no call to be envious of others, trained to be ornaments for rich men. You do a job with engines better than anyone I ever seen, and you got a good heart, pure and true. That you're easy on the eyes and you smell nice is gravy. Dong ma?"

"I smell nice?" Her voice is soft and hopeful.

He pulls her into a snug embrace and buries his face in her hair for a second. "Real nice," he murmurs, kissing the top of her head.

She looks up at him, eyes all dreamy again, and he's thinking he's done a piss poor job discouraging her when Zoe says, "Wave coming in for you, Captain." He pulls away from Kaylee, which just makes him look like a guilty schoolboy. Zoe raises an eyebrow. "Am I interrupting?"

He really hopes he's not blushing. "No, not at all. Back to work, Kaylee."

She beams at him. "Yes, sir."

He sighs. Definitely a piss poor job of discouraging her. Makes him wonder if he really wants to.

***

They set down on Ariel, and instead of flying off as usual, Inara comes onto the bridge before she leaves. She's always stunning, but tonight there's a special shimmer about her, the kind she always gets when she's going to a party. She reminds him of the stars shining out there in the black, making a man want things he can never have, making him reach for them, even if he falls, empty-handed. And he'll always fall, empty-handed.

He stands quickly as she says, "Happy New Year, Mal," and presses a soft kiss to his cheek.

"Happy New Year," he answers, knowing they'll go through this all again in a few weeks, at Chinese New Year. He's hoping to give everybody a bit of leave for the Lantern Festival. They do it up nice on Greenleaf, and there's usually work of some sort to be had there, afterward. "Have fun at your shindig," he says. He finds he actually means it. "Or is it more of a hootenanny tonight?"

She grins. "Oh, the judge doesn't skimp. It may even be a hoedown by your standards," she says, and it takes him a second to realize she doesn't mean it as an insult, even if that's how it sounds.

"Ooh," he replies, "a hoedown. I'll try to contain my envy."

"I think Kaylee's planning a little shindig of her own," she says. "I gave her a bottle of my best champagne, and she's wearing her new dress."

His mouth goes dry. "Champagne?"

"Our little Kaylee's all grown up," she says lightly. "You may have to restrain Jayne." He can't manage a response to that, remembering green silk clinging to Kaylee's soft curves, and the thought of Jayne even looking at her makes his fists clench. "I'll be back by noon tomorrow."

"Take care," he manages. "Have a good time."

She looks a little puzzled, probably because he hasn't been sharp with her, but glides off in a cloud of silk and perfume.

Later, after they've had dinner and it's well into the evening, he finds Kaylee setting up snacks in the common area; sure enough, she's wearing her new dress, and she has sparkly clips holding her hair off her face. He feels like he's been hit by a freight train -- she's beautiful, and he wants to tell her so, but all the air's been sucked out of his body, leaving a tight ache behind in his chest.

"Thought we could have a little celebration of our own," she says, smiling brightly when she sees him. "Inara gave me a bottle of fancy champagne, and at midnight we can pop the cork."

"Is this a private party, or can anybody join in?" Zoe asks dryly, coming into the room from the other direction and sitting down at the dining table.

Kaylee flushes and gives him a quick look; he doesn't let her catch his eye. "I meant everybody, of course."

"What's all this about a party?" Jayne says, and then stops short when he catches sight of Kaylee, puzzled look on his face. "You bringing whores onto the ship now, Mal? I mean, 'sides Inara?"

The blood drains from Kaylee's face as she whirls around to face him.

"Shut your gorram mouth before I shut it for you," Mal snaps, glaring at him.

Jayne ignores him and flashes a toothy grin at Kaylee. "Look at this. Little Kaylee's all grown up."

"Put your tongue back in your mouth, Jayne, or I swear I will cut it off."

"Why're you so tetchy? We're having us a party here. Ain't that right, Kaylee?" He slings an arm around Kaylee's shoulders.

She nods. "Yes, we are."

"I didn't mean nothing by the whore comment," he continues, jerking his chin at Mal. "You call Inara a whore all the gorram time."

"That's different."

"How?"

Mal shifts, knowing he's losing ground, but determined to face Jayne down regardless. "'Cause she is."

Kaylee opens her mouth to argue, but River rushes in and grabs Kaylee's hands before she can.

"Pretty, pretty Kaylee," she says, laughing and pulling her away from Jayne so they can twirl together in the center of the room. "All dressed up in fancy clothes."

Simon looks like he's seeing the stars for the first time, eyes and mouth open wide for a moment before he collects himself. "You're beautiful," he says to her.

Kaylee beams. "Cap'n bought it for me," she says, smoothing her hands over the skirt. Everyone slews about to face him, and he knows he told her true -- people would get the wrong impression if they started grappling, even people who ought to know better.

"It's just a dress," he says, trying not to sound defensive.

"Inara helped me pick it out," she says, twirling again. She smiles up at Jayne, mischievous look in her eye. "And some pretty underwear, too."

Jayne shoots a glare at Mal. "What happened to no fraternizing? How come you get to fraternize and I don't?"

"There is no fraternizing!" It might be more convincing if his voice didn't get all high and whiny when he says it. Of course, it might also be more convincing if it was actually the truth.

Kaylee wilts a little and Jayne looks skeptical. "Man don't buy a woman underwear without expecting to see it on his floor in the near future," he says.

"It ain't like that," Mal says, knowing he may be protesting a bit too much. "Can we stop talking about this now?" He sends a pleading glance in Zoe's direction, and she's gracious enough to help him out.

"Since we're dirtside, sourcebox'll pick up the local broadwave," she says. "We can have music, if you like. Some local color."

"That'd be shiny," Kaylee answers. "I should have thought of that." She and Zoe head to the bridge to sort things out, while Jayne and River start making inroads on the snacks.

Mal moves to Jayne's side. "You got any designs on Kaylee's person, you'd best forget them right now. Am I making myself clear?"

"You keeping a harem now? You get Inara and Kaylee to yourself, huh? Can I have the crazy one? Or Zoe?"

Zoe can take care of herself, but the idea of Jayne pawing at River is enough to put Mal off his feed for weeks. "Crew's off limits, Jayne. You knew that when you signed on."

"Things change, Mal. Situation's different now than it was a couple years ago. You didn't stop the doctor--"

"Kaylee wanted the doctor. He didn't force himself--"

"I'd never force myself on a woman." Jayne actually sounds offended. "Paid for it a time or ten, but never took a woman that wasn't willing. Ain't no fun if she ain't willing."

"Your continence comforts me."

"I don't wet the bed, neither."

Mal pinches the bridge of his nose, wondering when he lost control of the conversation. "And believe you me, we're all grateful for that. But to get this conversation away from the brain-scarring notion of you as a bed-wetter, Kaylee wanted the doctor, so I didn't stand in her way, though I knew it'd end badly. And it did."

"And now she wants you, is that it?"

The electronic squawk of what passes for music in this neck of the 'verse fills the room, followed by Zoe and Kaylee's return, so he doesn't have to answer.

Conversation turns general then, until the clock reminds them the new year is fast approaching.

Jayne picks up the green glass bottle and looks at Kaylee. "You sure you want us to drink this? Selling it would bring you a nice bit of coin."

"Inara gave it to me," Kaylee replies, looking scandalized. "I wouldn't sell a gift. Want to share it with you guys, anyway. Celebrate a new year being born."

"Year dies twice," River says. "Born and born again, old and new, east and west. Calendar's a construct, a metaphor. Time passes and can't be grasped without it, but a calendar only means what we say it does." She sets glasses on the table in front of Jayne. "New year starts every day if you like."

"I can't complain about anything that gives us an extra holiday," Jayne says, unwrapping the foil around the cork. "Lion dances and jiao-zi are some of my favorite things." He pops the cork and begins pouring. "Though expensive liquor ain't to be sneezed at, either."

River leans in with a grin. "And there's kissing."

There is indeed -- Mal had forgotten about that little tradition, and as the rest of the crew count down to midnight, he hovers on the periphery, wondering if he can escape before midnight, and the obligatory kissing, is upon them. He remembers now why he doesn't usually celebrate the holidays on board. Too many awkward moments, and too many memories made that'll have to be forgotten later.

River grabs everyone's attention by planting a kiss on Jayne, who, despite his talk earlier, stumbles back looking shocked. Zoe laughs while Simon says, "River! I'd hoped you'd have better taste!"

Mal attempts to sidle off to the bridge before anyone can catch him. Kaylee is looking everywhere but at him, and he feels like a jackass.

He's almost to the door when River, dragging an embarrassed Kaylee behind her, stops him. "Kiss the girls, don't make them cry," River says, pressing her lips to his cheek briefly, and then shoving Kaylee at him.

She smiles tightly, and he can't decide which is worse -- giving her the kind of kiss she wants or pretending he doesn't want to kiss her at all.

He leans down as she turns her face up, and brushes his lips against hers lightly, the way he might have before, only now it sends a little shock through him, and he wants to do it again, just not in front of everyone else.

"Weak tea," River says, folding her arms across her chest. "Give her a real kiss, Captain. You know you want to."

He glares at River and Kaylee flushes. "You don't have to," she says, misery plain on her face. "I don't want nothing you don't want to give." She turns and rushes from the room, which makes the others stare at him.

"Zaogao," he mutters, rubbing his forehead. Couldn't have made a bigger mess of that if he'd been trying.

"Nice going, Cap'n," Zoe says, saluting him with her glass of champagne.

River's disappointment is plain on her face. "Ni bu gouge, ni hunqiu," she tells him seriously.

"Things don't go too well on this boat for folks who hurt Kaylee," Simon reminds him, only half-mocking.

He turns to Jayne. "You may as well say your piece, too."

Jayne snorts and shakes his head. "People call me stupid, Mal, but I ain't got nothing on you. You got a gift."

"I reckon I'm lucky that way," he replies with a short, mirthless laugh. He makes to head off after Kaylee, but Zoe grabs his arm, shakes her head.

"Leave her be tonight," she says softly. "You'll only do more damage, mood she's in."

He stalks off to his bunk, trying not to feel like the lowliest sumbitch ever for making Kaylee cry.

***

When Inara returns the next afternoon, River chatters to her about the champagne and Kaylee's dress.

"Your kind of party," Jayne says around a mouthful of rice. "Lots of kissing going on at midnight. Plus, Mal made an ass of himself."

"I'm sorry I missed that," she says, not sounding sorry at all. "But it's not like I don't see the latter every day anyway." She turns to Mal with a sweet smile and he forces himself to return it.

"Ha, ha."

"My client may have work for you."

"Really?" He takes a sip of coffee, glad to turn the topic away from last night's disaster. "What kind of work?"

"I imagine it's illegal, as he was very vague about it."

"Given that he's a judge, I imagine he would be."

"He sent a wave to his brother-in-law," she says, hands moving automatically, pouring her tea just so, adding one spoonful of sugar, stirring clockwise. It's kind of hypnotizing, really. "They'd like to meet with you in the morning. Discretion is the watchword."

"I never steal and tell, darlin'."

She rolls her eyes but gives him a half-smile for his nonsense as she walks away.

He knows he ain't got a hope in hell of escaping her wrath if Kaylee tells her what happened, but he's kind of hoping Kaylee won't.

***

He's stuck doing the dishes that night -- they hadn't settled on a good chores rotation after Book left, and since Wash passed, they've all been making do, picking up the slack where they can.

Inara corners him at the sink.

"What happened?"

Mal looks at the pot and the mess of plates needing to be washed. "Dinner?" he says, taking a stab in the dark.

"Don't get cute, Mal. I mean, what did you do to upset Kaylee?"

He freezes for a moment, unprepared. "I-- She-- None of your damn business."

"So there was something."

Tama-de. "We might've got to drinking a little the other night," he admits, "and some things might've got said that shouldn't have." He closes his eyes, takes a breath. "And then last night-- She really upset?"

"Yes, and she won't tell me why."

"No," he agrees, because he knows Kaylee thinks he and Inara are-- "Aw, hell, it's complicated." He holds up his hands. "And before you yell at me without knowing what actually happened, I just want to say in my defense that you'd've done the same in my position." Though maybe for Kaylee she wouldn't have -- and he can't think on that or he's going to be in a whole other mess of trouble.

Inara interrupts his increasingly confused thoughts. "She's still distressed about Simon?"

He blows out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, grateful for the lifeline she's throwing him. "Something like that."

"She usually talks to me, Mal. I don't know why she won't this time." She sounds upset, and on the one hand, it warms his heart, because she really does care about Kaylee and want to help, but on the other, he doesn't want to hear the lecture he knows she'll give him if she finds out what happened. Besides, it's not like he ain't been lecturing himself non-stop on the subject since Christmas.

"Maybe she don't want to impose. She's a mannerly girl, our Kaylee."

"Mal, if you told her not to--"

"Leave it, Inara. Please. As a kindness to Kaylee, if not to me."

She doesn't look satisfied but for once, she doesn't push, and for that, he's grateful. He needs time to untangle his thoughts, and having her nearby, poking at him, just confuses him more.

***

The next day, they meet with the judge's brother-in-law at his estate. The place is a fortress, and the money too good to turn down.

The job is simple; it's not illegal, necessarily, but it involves delicate family matters, and as such, definitely to be kept on the down low. Mal charges a little extra for that.

"This here is Amelia Collins, the client's wife." Mal places a photograph on the table. "Woman's been snatched by the gardener; we're to get her back," Mal says as Zoe and Jayne arm themselves. "Doc, we may need you if she's been beat up or hurt. River, be ready to lift off as soon as we get back."

Kaylee's voice brings him up short. "I think this is a bad idea."

They all turn to her in surprise.

"Shenme?" he asks.

"It don't feel right, Cap'n. The way he described -- don't sound like a kidnapping to me so much as an escape."

"Kaylee--"

"You're gonna tell me you didn't get a bad feeling with all them armed guards and sensors? She's his wife, but he was keeping her like she was a slave."

"Man's got a right to protect his women."

"And pay us to get 'em back," Jayne puts in as he pulls his jacket on and loops Vera's strap around his neck.

"Yeah," Mal agrees, "he's paying us a lot. I got a ship to fuel and mouths to feed. I'm running a business here, little Kaylee."

"Not slaving business, Mal," she replies, and that draws him up short -- he can't remember her ever calling him by name before, and for sure not in that tone. "Listen to me. This job ain't square. When it goes wrong--"

"It's not gonna go wrong!" he interrupts.

She ignores him. "When it goes wrong, you're gonna be saying to yourself, 'I should've listened to Kaylee.' And I'm gonna say, 'I told you so.'"

"Shen jing bing. You a reader now, too?" he says, though he feels a touch of uncertainty. "And when did you develop a mean streak? Spending too much time with Jayne, maybe."

"Ain't mean, Cap'n, just stubborn. And right, this time. You wait and see."

The hell of it is, she is right, and he realizes it when they find the woman, who swears she's never going back to her husband. She's been beaten all right, but not by the gardener.

Inara contacts her friend the judge, and when he discovers his little sister's been mistreated, he pays them twice what the job was contracted for and has Collins arrested before the man can turn around twice.

They make money on the deal and for once, nobody gets shot, but Kaylee is unbearable for a few days, smirking at him when she's not avoiding him altogether.

He doesn't like that she's ignoring him, but he's not ready to force the issue. He lets her have the space and time she needs, only because he ain't sure his own self what he wants, and what he's going to do about it. He's spent so long wanting something he can't ever have, he finds he's not sure what to do about something he can. Inara reminds him of what he's not, what he can't be, and Kaylee makes him want to be a better version of who he already is, to be worthy of the trust she places in him, that he's still not sure he deserves.

Used to be so simple, so natural to wrap an arm around her, hold her close, drop a kiss in her hair. Now he's afraid it means something, or it don't mean nothing -- he's not sure which, and he resents the hell out of her for making it so complicated. Gorram shipboard romances never work out, but damned if she don't make him want to try. And he resents that, too.

***

He's on the bridge, avoiding Kaylee's hurt glances and Inara's confused ones, when Zoe slips into the co-pilot's seat.

"Why're you tearing yourself up inside?" she asks, the concern in her voice almost drowning out the amusement. And she would be amused. She's probably the only one who's rightly figured out his trouble.

He looks up from the control panel, puzzled. "I'm not." She raises an eyebrow, clearly skeptical. "I'm really not."

"Seems to me you kind of are." She runs a gentle hand over the console, like in her head she's touching something -- someone -- else. Mal don't have to be a reader to know who.

"I always expected I'd die first," she says, and ain't that just like Zoe, to come at the subject head first and oblique at the same time. "Even wanted it that way, when I thought about it. Kinda selfish, don't you think?"

"Realistic," he answers, though it pains him.

"Realistic." She nods. "Still, selfish. Wouldn't wish the pain on anybody, least of all the man I love. "

He nods in return. He don't like to think what'll happen to Kaylee -- to Serenity and the crew -- when he dies, and he knows the odds are he'll die sooner rather than later. "Don't wanna cause anybody extra pain. Life's hard enough as it is."

Her look could flay the skin right off him -- same look she used to give green soldiers who thought they were going to be gorram heroes. "That's not what I'm saying at all, Cap'n."

He turns to face her. "Then what are you saying?"

"Already gonna cause the girl pain when you pass. Don't need to be adding to it now when there's no good reason to."

"No good reason--" He snorts, shakes his head in amazement. "Zoe, you been spending too much time with River, or you got a case of space dementia or something. There's at least a dozen reasons why the whole thing is a very bad idea."

"If you say so, sir."

"I do."

"None of those reasons outweigh the one reason that makes it a good idea."

"And what might that be?" The words are out before he can stop them.

"'Cause it'd make you both happy now." She stands, slides a finger along the curved plastic spine of one of Wash's dinosaurs. "One thing I've learned is that happiness may not last forever, but it's worth grabbing onto with both hands when it comes along. You've got a chance at that, Mal, and it's not a chance everybody gets. Don't blow it by being too scared it's gonna end someday. Everything ends someday. Not everything gets a chance to start. Last thing you want is another load of regrets to carry around."

***

He spends a deal of time thinking on Zoe's words, thinks about loving and losing and taking a chance. He doesn't know if he's that brave -- if he's ever been that brave -- and he thinks it's a special kind of courage Zoe has that he doesn't, but Kaylee makes him want to find out.

***

Inara settles next to him on the catwalk, graceful as ever, and accepts the tin cup of newly fermented wine he hands her.

"I don't think I've ever been paid so much money to shut up and go away," he says as she takes a sip and wrinkles her nose.

She laughs. "Oh, Judge Argenti wants the whole thing swept under the rug. Who knew his brother-in-law was such a húndàn?" She takes another sip. "I suppose you weren't surprised at all."

"I was. I thought he was on the up and up, didn't realize something was hinky until we found the girl. Kaylee knew, though."

"She did enjoy saying, 'I told you so,' didn't she?"

He shakes his head, takes a sip of wine and swallows it down with a grimace. "A little too much, maybe," he says with a laugh.

"Well, she doesn't often get to say it."

"Probably could say it more often than she does. She's too kind-hearted, though." He shrugs a shoulder. "She's got good instincts. I should pay more attention."

"She does, and you should," Inara says. For once, they're in agreement about something.

They sit in not uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, lost in their own thoughts, and Mal knows this is probably as good a time as any to say what needs saying. To say goodbye to impossible dreams.

He puts his cup down, the soft clink of metal on metal making her look up.

"You're a beautiful woman, Inara."

"Thank you." She cocks her head, and though she looks calm, he can tell she's curious.

"Once upon a time, I hoped--" He reaches out and takes a lock of her hair, soft and smelling of jasmine, between his fingers. "Well, I hoped. But this ain't no fairy tale, is it?" He lets her hair drop, rests his hands in his lap and keeps his gaze on them. "I think we both know any chance of us having a happily ever after is long gone. If it ever existed at all. I just wanted--"

"Mal?" Her voice is soft, confused.

He looks her in the eye. "Gotta take happiness where you can find it," he says.

She blinks rapidly, and he thinks there might be pain in her eyes. "What are you-- Oh." She puts one delicate, white hand on his arm, the nails painted red like the lanterns River's making for the festival. "Under your nose all along?"

"Something like that. Maybe." He shrugs again, uncomfortable discussing it even in the broadest of terms. "Gonna give it a shot, I think. I just don't-- You--"

She moves her hand from his sleeve to his cheek, guides his face to hers for a brief, chaste kiss that feels like a blessing.

"If you hurt her, Jayne will space you," she says, and her amusement sounds genuine, though he never can tell with her.

He smiles ruefully. "I know."

"I'll help him."

That surprises a laugh out of him, and he feels freer in her presence than he ever has before. She's still beautiful, and she still has a place in his heart, but he no longer feels like he's drowning when he looks at her, and thinking of her with someone else no longer feels like being ripped open by a landmine.

He thinks maybe this moving on thing won't be so hard, after all.

***

What he doesn't expect is for Kaylee to come and find him as he sits and stares out into the black, thinking. But he's learning all sorts of things about Kaylee's hidden depths lately, and he thinks he likes 'em.

"This is the thing," she says, and he can see her courage in the set of her shoulders, and the hurt he's caused in her eyes. "I wouldn't've kissed you if I thought it meant you'd stop touching me, that things'd change. I mean, I knew things would change, but I didn't think it'd be like this." She looks down at her hands, fingers twisting and tapping against each other, nervous and trying not to show it.

He reaches out, takes those hands, the hands that keep Serenity running, that may just hold his heart. Her nails are trimmed short and have grease beneath them, but that's all right, 'cause so do his. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

He twines their fingers together and pulls her down into his lap. Her eyes widen and when she gasps, he takes the opportunity to kiss her, slipping his tongue past her parted lips eagerly, like a man who's found water in the desert.

She tastes of tea and sweetness, of heat and promise. She slips one hand free to caress his jaw, his neck, to thread through his hair, and he shivers. She pulls back and looks at him intently, strokes her thumb over his cheek, learning him. He turns his face into her hand to kiss her palm.

"If you're in love with Inara," she whispers, "I ain't her substitute. I won't be."

"Inara's like fireworks," he says, "or the stars -- beautiful to look on, but you can't get hold of her, can't build a life on the smoke and air that's left when the sparkle is gone. I need something I can hold onto, something real, that ain't gonna disappear."

She brushes her lips along his jaw, setting heat skittering in his veins, and he tightens his hold on her. She feels tiny in his arms; through the soft cotton of her shirt, he traces the delicate bones of ribcage and spine with his fingers, and she giggles. Makes him want to protect her, hold her safe.

"I'm not going anywhere, Cap'n."

"You don't have to call me Captain when we're kissing, Kaylee," he says with a laugh.

"Hush, you." She covers his mouth with hers, laughing against his lips, and he feels light, free. Happy.

He knows the exhilaration won't last, that there will be lows to match the highs, but he's finally willing to take the chance. He reckons no matter what happens, he'd regret it more if he didn't.

end

***

bâobèi = precious, sweetheart
Wo de ma = mother of God
Dui bu qi = I'm sorry
houzi de pigu = monkey's butt
húndàn = bastard, jerk
gôushî bùrú = lower than dogshit
Shen jing bing = You're crazy!
jiao-zi = dumplings
Zaogao = Damn it!
Ni bu gouge, ni hunqiu = you don't deserve her, you no-good bastard.

From the Firefly Pinyinary and TaraLJC's Mandarin glossary.

***

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