The Adventures of Han and Logan
Two Gruff Manly Men in Love
by Pete, Devil Doll and Victoria P.
Updated 2/26/03
The story so far...
Part I .::. Part II
In which Devil Doll mocks her own lack of Tolkien knowledge.
Last time on The Adventures of Han and Logan: Two Gruff Manly Men in Love: Legolas realized Haldir dyes his hair, and it made him blab about it to everyone. Han realized he was in love with Logan, and it made him cradle Logan's head in his lap. Logan realized he'd knocked boots with Phyllis Diller, and it made him horribly ill.
~*~
The door to DD's apartment bursts open, and a rather unusual assortment of characters pours into the foyer.
First comes Devil Doll, charging ahead, scanning her apartment, making sure she hasn't left anything embarrassing lying about.
Han and Obi Wan are behind her, propping Logan up between them. Logan is trying to be helpful and walk a little, but mostly he's just holding onto their shoulders and groaning.
Victoria comes stomping in, dabbing at her shirt with a wad of napkins. "I can't believe he puked on me!" she fumes as she steps over a pile of magazines and catalogs.
"Sorry. . ." groans Logan as Obi Wan and Han puff and swear and try to keep him upright. "That's the first time I ever threw up."
"I'm honored," snaps Vic. She goes into the bathroom and slams the door.
"She's mad at me," Logan says to Obi Wan.
Obi Wan turns his head away. "Could you not breathe on me?"
Legolas brings up the rear (not in a slashy way), and closes the door behind him. He looks around DD's place with interest, because he lives under a mushroom cap or something, and rides around on a beetle for transportation.
Devil Doll, meanwhile, is racing around the apartment, shoving things into cupboards and under the couch cushions. You probably don't want to know what those things are.
"He's not getting any lighter over here," Han reminds her, grimacing a little under Logan's weight.
"What? Oh. Sorry. You can put him in here," DD says. She heads for her bedroom, gesturing for them to follow.
"Hey, alriiight," says Logan, attempting to be studly. He tries to grin, but winds up gagging instead.
"This Phyllis Diller is not to be trifled with, judging by his extreme reaction to his dalliance with her," notes Obi Wan.
"Hurk!" Logan gags harder at the mere mention of the almighty Phyllis.
"He's gonna heave again!" shouts Han.
"Not on my toys!" screams DD.
Logan's eyes roll around in his head as he looks frantically for an inch of space that is not occupied by a toy.
"And not on my computer!" DD shrieks.
Obi Wan, thinking quickly, grabs a nearby Hello Kitty trashcan. Victoria rejoins the group just in time to see Logan deposit his remaining stomach contents into a cute pink trashcan.
"Gross!" says DD.
"At least it's not on your shirt," says Vic. She's a little bitter.
~*~
"Here. This'll make you feel better," Han says softly, wiping Logan's face with a cool washcloth. He's perched on the bed next Logan, whose face is still a rather unflattering shade of green.
Victoria, DD, Obi Wan, and Legolas stand in the doorway, watching.
"He sure seems to have changed his tune about Logan," says Vic. "Too bad Logan's too sick to do anything about it."
Han leaves his place by Logan's side and joins them in the doorway.
"Any better?" DD asks hopefully.
"I don't think so," says Han. He leans against the doorjamb and sighs morosely.
"At least he stopped puking," says Vic. She turns to DD and plucks at her shirt. "Does it look like it got puked on?"
"Uh, a little," DD hedges. "But your hair looks really nice," she adds brightly.
Victoria perks up. "Does it? Thanks," she says, primping her hair with her fingers. "I've been using the conditioner you sent me."
"Cool!" says DD.
They are interrupted by Legolas, who barges between them and begins gesturing frantically.
"Um, yeah, I can give you some conditioner, too," says DD. "Although I think the best thing to do is just cut some of that off," she adds, wrinkling her nose at his long, blonde hair.
"You leave his hair alone!" says Vic. "If anyone needs a new 'do, it's Jesus over there."
Obi Wan immediately puts a hand to his hair. "You don't like my hair?"
Legolas stomps his little foot on the ground to get their attention.
"Legolas, maybe you can help Obi Wan out in the hair department," suggests Vic. "You've got very nice hair." She begins to fondle it.
Legolas bats her hand away. He points at himself, and then toward the bedroom. He reaches into one of his little elfy pockets and produces a small bottle. He points to himself, to the bottle, and then to Logan again.
"Uh, why isn't he talking?" asks Han.
"Because I've never read any of the books or seen any of the movies he's in, and I have no idea how to write him," DD replies.
Everyone nods. That makes sense. At least in this story.
"I think he's trying to tell us he can make Logan better with the contents of that bottle," suggests Obi Wan.
"Oooh, the salve!" says Vic, grinning knowingly.
"Can you really?" asks Han.
Legolas nods vigorously.
"I think we should let him try," Han says. He's practically hopping with excitement over the possibility of a cure.
DD sticks her head into the bedroom. "Um, Logan?" she calls. She doesn't want to get too close. Logan doesn't smell so good right now, and she's sensitive to that kind of thing. "Leogalalas has some salve crap that he says will make you all better. You wanna try it?"
Legolas gives DD a dirty look, which she doesn't notice.
"Salve? For a stomachache?" Logan asks weakly. "That doesn't sound right. . ."
"Well, they probably don't have Pepto-Bismol back in Narnia or wherever the hell he's from. They gotta make their own medicine out of toads and weeds."
Legolas rolls his eyes.
Logan groans again. "Toads?" He thinks a minute, then asks, "I don't have to eat the toad salve, do I?"
Everyone looks at Legolas, who shakes his head.
"Nope. I think he's just gonna rub it on your tummy or something," says DD.
"Can't you do it?" Logan asks. He's a little whiney. Which would be really adorable if he didn't smell like vomit.
DD grimaces. She really doesn't want to be anywhere near Pukey Logan. "Uh. . ." She looks over at Legolas, who is shaking his head emphatically. Whew. "Leglalos says no," she tells Logan, trying her best not to sound relieved.
"What about me? I'll do it," Han says, a little too eagerly.
Again, Legolas shakes his head. He points to himself for emphasis.
"I think it's gotta be the hobbit guy," says DD.
"Elf," says Vic.
"Whatever. So whaddya say?"
"I guess. . ." Logan says miserably.
"Okay, then. We're gonna send him in."
"He can't talk in this part," Han adds helpfully.
DD nudges Legolas, who glares at her before he steps into the bedroom and closes the door behind him.
"Geez, what's with the little trial-sized Vulcan?" DD asks.
"I think he's upset because you completely butchered the pronunciation of his name," says Obi Wan.
"And said he's from Narnia," says Vic.
"And that he eats toads," adds Han.
"Hey, it's not *my* fault that the books he's in are really long and take forever to get to the point!" She crosses her arms and huffs. "He sure got pissy about it, too."
Vic nods. "Little tiny elf, big huge attitude."
"Shhh!" says Han. "I can't hear what's going on."
They fall silent and creep closer to the bedroom door. They hear Logan say, "So you can't talk, huh? Tough break. Yeah. Uh huh. I know what you mean. Shit, you should hear some of the stuff that's happened to me in this story." After a pause, he says, "That's the salve, huh? Yeah. Okay."
All is quiet for a few moments, and then Logan's voice is heard once more. "You know, that smells kinda good."
After another minute or so, he speaks again. "It's just my stomach that hurts. You don't have to--wait a sec, now. My pants are fine where they--hey! I don't need salve there! What the--?"
They hear a snarl, scuffling feet, and the sound of something hitting the wall next to the door. Really hard. They all scramble to get away from the door, barely making it out of the way before Logan comes storming out of the bedroom, buckling his belt. He actually looks much better, except for the fact that he's really, really pissed.
"What happened?" asks Han suspiciously.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Logan snaps.
"You do look much improved," notes Obi Wan.
"Yeah, you do," sneers Han. He's so jealous. "That's some toad salve."
"You don't even know the half of it," snarls Logan, which prompts giggles from Vic and DD. He glares at them. "I'm gonna go clean up," he snaps, then goes in the bathroom and slams the door.
DD sighs with relief. He was one rank-smelling mutant.
"People sure are spending a lot of time in the bathroom in this story," says Han.
"Vic likes it that way," says DD.
"You're hilarious," says Vic. She reaches over and fondles Obi Wan's lights. "You got anywhere we can plug Jesus in?" she asks.
~*~
30 Minutes Later
"Wait, so *you're* Obi Wan Kenobi? The old guy?" asks Han.
Obi Wan nods and changes the channel.
"And you know Darth Vader, but he isn't Darth Vader yet?"
Obi Wan nods again. And changes the channel again.
Han thinks for a minute. "But if you know he's going to become Darth Vader, can't you just stop him?"
"No, I´m afraid not," says Obi Wan. "That would completely screw up the continuity."
Han sighs. "Stupid continuity. Always getting in the way."
Obi Wan nods in agreement and changes the channel again. He's been parked on the couch, surfing the cable channels, for quite some time now. He can't really move around much anyway, because his lights are plugged into the outlet next to the couch. Vic sits on one side of him, enjoying his sparkly Jediness, and Han sits on the other, grilling him about the Star Wars universe. Obi Wan thinks they're making it really hard to stare mindlessly at the TV.
Devil Doll has wedged herself between the arm of the couch and Han, even though there really isn't enough room. She keeps trying to touch his blaster, and he keeps moving her hand away.
Legolas, recovered from splatting against DD's bedroom wall, sits on the floor by the coffee table, fingering his fidderlings or something.
Han's persistent. "What about Jabba? Can you kill him? Because I gotta tell ya, being frozen is no picnic. If I could avoid--"
"No can do," says Obi Wan.
"You know, you're even less useful now than you are when you're an old guy."
"Hey!" says Vic.
"Oh, let 'em fight," says DD. "I´m bored."
Legolas, his fidderlings thoroughly fingered for the time being, taps his knuckles on the coffee table to get everyone's attention. When they look at him, he lifts an imaginary glass to his mouth and pretends to drink.
"Hey! Refreshments! That's a good idea!" says DD. She hops up and heads for the kitchen.
"Thank God," mutters Han. He checks to make sure DD isn't watching, and then hides his blaster under the couch.
"Ooooh, chocolate!" says Vic, as DD returns with various treats and beverages.
DD dumps an armload of goodies on the table and sits down on the floor. "And Easy Cheese!" she says proudly, holding up the can.
"What kind of cheese?" says Han.
"You don't have any of those little wings?" asks Obi Wan, obviously disappointed with the offerings.
"Sheefs uh meggitaran," says Vic around a mouthful of chocolate. "Ee tifs." She hands Obi Wan a truffle, which he bites into hesitantly.
Legolas, meanwhile, is watching DD decorate a cracker with squiggles of Easy Cheese. He stares in fascination as the bright orange goo oozes from the tip of the can.
"And Philly cheesecake bars!" exclaims Vic, lunging across Obi Wan's lap to grab the box.
DD pops her cheese-decorated cracker in her mouth and holds the can out to Han, who shakes his head emphatically. "Even the Ewoks had better food than this," he says, surveying the spread.
Legolas, on the other hand, is clearly interested. He grabs the Easy Cheese, picks up a chocolate truffle, and begins to lay a strip of fake cheese right across the top of the candy.
"Wait, that's not what you're supposed to put that on," says DD, reaching for the can. "Here, let me show you--"
Legolas snatches the can away, and glares at DD.
DD scoots away. "Hookay, then. Go right ahead. Maybe that's how you eat guys chocolate in Fantasia."
Vic rolls her eyes at DD's dumbness. Legolas pops the cheesy truffle in his mouth, then gets up and stomps off.
"That hobbit guy *hates* me," says DD.
"Elf!" everyone else says in unison.
"Yeah, yeah. Hobbit, elf, fairy, leprechaun, whatever. Hates. My. Guts."
Han rolls his eyes. "No kidding, babe. You turned him into a mime. And you keep insulting him."
"I don't mean to!"
"Yeah, you do," mumbles Vic, who is practically in a chocolate-and-cheesecake-induced coma at this point.
"Okay, I kinda do."
"Just don't piss him off before I get him to work on Obi's hair," Victoria warns her.
Reminded of his hair insecurity, Obi Wan looks at Han. "Do you think my hair is awful?" he asks.
"Well, I didn't wanna say anything. . ." Han replies.
Obi Wan looks positively stricken. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
DD shrugs. "Seems like you shoulda known. I mean, how can you have hair that horrible and *not* know you look like an ass?" She looks up from her Easy Cheese to see everyone staring at her. "Or, erm, maybe they didn't want to hurt your feelings," she adds.
Obi Wan gives DD a cold stare. "Well, in that case, I don't see how that would have stopped *you* from telling me," he snaps.
"Whoa!" says Han.
"Holy crap!" says Vic.
DD blinks. "Dude, I think Jesus just insulted me."
"You kind of deserved it," says Han.
"I have an idea!" says Vic, attempting to head off the impending fracas. She nudges Obi Wan. "Why don't you go find Legolas and have him do something different with your hair?"
Obi Wan looks from Victoria to DD to Han, then slowly rises to his feet, straightening to his full height, and looking down at the others with a regal glare.
"Oh, boy. Here we go," mutters DD.
"I will have you know that I am a highly respected and legendary Jedi Knight," says Obi Wan. "My bravery and heroics have shaped the fate of the *entire galaxy*. I have killed a Sith Lord, liberated the planet of Naboo, exposed the secret clone armies of Kamino, survived the trials of a Geonosian execution arena, and played an instrumental role in the Galactic Civil War. In fact, I've even continued to provide aid and guidance to the Rebel forces despite the fact that I am dead. My physical appearance was of little help or hindrance in those situations, and hardly seems relevant at all when compared to those accomplishments."
He pauses to let that sink in as he unplugs his little Christmas lights with a dignified tug.
"Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go ask a little elf man to style my hair."
He turns and exits the room, leaving everyone in stunned silence.
Finally, Han speaks up. "Man, what a windbag."
"My *God*," says Vic. "I didn't think he was ever going to stop tooting his own horn."
"I stopped paying attention after the part about the Sitzlore," says DD. "Could someone pass me a cheesecake bar?"
~*~
30 Minutes Later
Vic sighs and twirls her hair around her finger. "I can't believe how long this is taking," she grumbles.
"Is there *ever* anything on this FX channel but M*A*S*H?" asks Han.
"No," says DD.
Vic perks up as Legolas enters the room. "Well, how'd it go?" she asks eagerly.
Legolas gives her a confused look.
"You know, with Obi Wan. Where is he?"
Legolas pantomimes combing his hair.
"Yes, we *know*," says Vic impatiently. "You're supposed to be *helping* him."
Legolas shrugs.
"Wait a minute," says DD, munching thoughtfully on Triscuit. "If you're not helping him, then who is?"
Legolas bares his teeth and slashes at the air with three fingers on each hand. He even gives a cute little elf growl.
"Oooh, that's right! Logan's still in the bathroom!" says DD.
"Oh noooooooo!" wails Vic.
DD gets a dreamy look on her face. "I bet he's all nice and wet, too."
"We have to stop him!" Vic shrieks, shooting to her feet.
"I've gotta see this!" says DD, jumping up as well.
Two women on a mission, or two separate missions, as the case may be, they race for the bathroom. Han and Legolas exchange confused glances, then follow.
Vic reaches the door first, but before she can turn the knob, it opens. And Obi Wan emerges.
Everyone screams in unison. Even Legolas. "Aaaaaaaaahhh!"
Startled, Obi Wan draws his mighty lightsaber and looks around wildly for the source of everyone's terror.
Little does he know that it's on his very own head.
A freshly puke-free Logan stands behind Obi-Wan, arms crossed over his chest, grinning smugly.
"Oh my God! What have you done?!?!" screams Vic.
Devil Doll looks Logan up and down, disappointed. "Yeah, what have you been doing in there? You're not wet."
Logan jerks his head toward Obi Wan. "Pretty damn nice, huh?"
"No!" Vic and DD wail in unison.
"Whaddya mean no? It's perfect!"
"It's hideous!" says Vic
"I know!" says DD, still looking at Logan. "He's not even *damp*."
Then, Vic notices something else. "And where are my Christmas lights?" she shouts.
Logan shrugs. "They were in the way."
This is all too much for Vic. The hair. The lights. Her face goes pale. "You--you--you--"
Luckily, Han stops laughing long enough to help Legolas catch Vic as she faints. Everyone stares in shock at Victoria's prone form. This is an unexpected development.
Obi Wan pockets his lightsaber and nervously touches his hair with his fingers. He looks at the others uneasily. "It looks better, right?" No one says a word. "Right?" Still nothing. "Right, guys?"
To be continued. . .
~*~
Note from DD: Big HUGE thanks to khakigrrl for making the Obi-Wolvie pic for me. She was nice enough to also make one with Obi's Christmas lights, which I decided, in the end, to not use. I didn't want the lights to detract from the fantastic hair-do. *g* Plus, the loss of the lights was just more fuel on the Fainting!Vic fire. *evil laughter*
But it's a hilarious picture, so I'm sharing it:
Back to Part II
Return to Part I
Return to The Muse's Fool
Thanks to Casiel for the icon.
Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and Fox; all Star Wars characters belong to Lucasfilm and Fox; this piece of fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights .