The Adventures of Han and Logan
Two Gruff Manly Men in Love
by Pete, Devil Doll and Victoria P.
Updated 2/26/03
The story so far...
Part I .::. Part III
This time, on the Continuing Adventures of Han and Logan: Two Manly Men In Love:
Vic has begun to get bored with the belt buckle, as DD continues to fondle it lovingly.
Seeing that Obi-Wan is slack-jawed over the Playboy Channel, she sidles over to him, but trips over Logan's pants and lands in his lap.
Obi-Wan jumps to attention. "Hey!"
"Come on," Vic wheedles. "I just want to touch it."
"I--, uh," Obi-Wan stammers.
"I've never seen one up close before. It's a big thing for me. I mean, I've been dreaming of it for *ages*."
Logan, still sulking in the other arm chair, perks up.
"Come on, darlin'," he says, "I'll let you play with mine."
Vic whirls, well, as much as she can while still cuddled on Obi-Wan's lap. "You have a lightsaber too?"
"Baby, I got the biggest lightsaber this side of the Rockies."
DD's head pops up at that, her rapt contemplation of the buckle interrupted by this interesting tidbit.
"What color is it?" Vic asks, while Obi-Wan sputters, "I'll have you know, my lightsaber is one of the strongest and fastest in the galaxy!"
"Fast ain't exactly your friend in these cases, Jesus," Logan replies with a cocky grin.
"Man's got a point," DD says, before returning her attention to the big Indian head belt buckle.
"But what *color* is it?" Vic whines.
Logan opens his mouth to answer when the door to the hotel room is flung open.
"She's insane! Insane, I tell you!" Han says, stumbling into the room, his arms loaded down with shopping bags from Bergdorf's and Neiman Marcus.
Leia sweeps into the room behind him, resplendent in a white linen pantsuit.
"Is that Armani?" Vic asks, distracted for a moment.
Leia nods. "Of course."
"Armani?" Logan chokes out.
"Did I not just say that, you walking hairball? And why don't you put on some pants?"
"The girls were checkin' out the buckle, darlin'. I'm not one to stand in their way." He grins again, a big shit-eating grin that DD can feel even though she's still hovering over the buckle.
Leia takes one look at the big redneck belt buckle and backs quickly out of the room.
"Get away from that thing," she yells, "unless you want to spend the next nine months sick and swollen and carrying Hairy's spawn!"
DD jumps off the bed in shock.
"What!?" she shrieks.
Vic curls up tighter on Obi-Wan's lap, burying her face in his wool-covered shoulder.
"Hold me," she whispers. "I'm askeered."
Obi-Wan cuddles her to his chest, using the opportunity to grab her ass.
"Hey," she snaps. "I said 'hold me,' not 'grope me.'"
"Grope hug!" Han cries, pulling at Leia, who still refuses to enter the room.
"Don't you see?" the Princess says, her voice hoarse with tension and her hair starting to spring free of its tight braids. "The redneck belt buckle can impregnate at up to 50 feet, depending on the virility of the man wearing it." (Thanks, Kathe!)
DD gasps and jumps off the bed.
"Logan! Why didn't you mention that?'
"Darlin', I thought you knew. There's nobody more virile than the Wolverine."
Han snorts and Obi-Wanrolls his eyes.
DD puts a hand to her mouth, in shock.
"But, we didn't even *do* anything!"
"Hey, whose fault is that? I'm ready, willing and able." He winks at Vic, still sitting in Obi-Wan's lap. "For you too, sweetheart."
Obi-Wan's arms tighten around Vic. "Now wait just a moment--"
Logan ignores the Jedi, saying, "If you're going do the time, you may as well commit the crime, right?"
DD and Vic stare at each other, worried.
Leia refuses to reenter the room, pulling out Logan's credit card and tossing it to him.
"The woman at Tiffany said it was 'maxed out,' Leia says, "whatever that means."
Logan rises, his good humor gone. *snikt* "I have a $10,000 limit, and there was only a $20 charge on the card this morning. What the HELL did you do, woman?" he roars.
Leia stands her ground. "You don't frighten me, you smelly imbecile! I went shopping!" Logan shakes the claws at her and she turns to Han. "What kind of boyfriend are you? Get over here and defend me! Or at least lend me your blaster!"
"Can't you put your woman in her place?" Logan taunts. "Or are you so whipped you let her talk to you like that?"
Han looks torn -- his masculine sense of solidarity tells him he should side with Logan and try to er, discipline his princess, but he knows that if he takes her side, he'll get nookie at the end of the day.
Vic has grown bored with the proceedings and has begun nuzzling Obi-Wan's neck, giggling. "Your beard tickles. It's very soft."
Obi-Wan tries again to cop a feel, and this time she lets him.
DD makes a grab at Han's blaster. "Okay, nobody move!" she says. "I'm going to straighten everything out--"
Leia, meanwhile has opened one of her shopping bags and is dangling a black leather watch in front of DD. "I bought it for your... friend," the princess says. "But if he doesn't watch his behavior (no pun intended), you'll never see it on him."
DD whines. "The watch and the buckle?"
As she gets woozy, Han and Logan both dive for the blaster, which goes off, once again leaving Logan on the floor, fried to a crisp.
"I gotta get me a better job," the Wolverine murmurs.
Han tries to play it cool. "I mean to do that," he says, puffing his chest out and preening for his girlfriend. "See how I protected you, Your Worship?"
Leia snorts.
DD walks over to the crispy Wolvie and nudges him. "Get better so you can wear the watch," she demands.
Vic is letting Obi-Wan grope her as she tries to get hold of his lightsabre.
Will she succeed?
Will DD get knocked up by the Big Redneck Belt Buckle?
Will Leia give Logan the Watch?
And where the Hell is Pete?
Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of The Continuing Adventures of Han and Logan ("and Obi-Wan," the Jedi pipes up): Two Gruff Manly Men in Love!
::cue theme music::
***
A long time ago, in a hotel room far, far, away...
It is a period of frustration. Writer's block, a formidable enemy of unknown origin, has waged its first battle against Devil Doll.
During the struggle, the assorted characters in this story have managed to keep themselves amused with alcohol and free cable, but as time has passed and hope has waned, they've begun to worry. They've begun to think it possible that something has gone horribly wrong with Devil Doll's secret weapon, The Funny, a cutting wit with enough power to destroy entire planets.
Hounded mercilessly by the her co-writer, Victoria, Devil Doll desperately tries to come up with the next installment, knowing only she can continue this ridiculous crossover concept and restore hilarity to the galaxy. . .
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The mood in the hotel room is somber one. Han and Logan are playing cards to relieve the boredom. Obi-Wan slouched in a chair in the corner, trying to balance his light saber on one outstretched finger. Victoria has pulled out her laptop and is writing yet another meta essay. Devil Doll paces the floor between the two double beds, looking troubled. Leia gave up and left a long time ago.
"Do you have any fours?" asks Han.
"Go fish," replies Logan. While Han draws a card from the pile on the table, Logan looks at his watch and sighs.
"Knock it off!" snaps DD. "That's not helping."
"I can't help it, darlin'. I'm gettin' damn tired of waitin' around in my underwear."
DD throws her arms in the air. "I know! I know! I'm trying, but I just can't think of anything!"
"I sure wish I had my copy of Absalom, Absalom! with me," says Vic. "I'd like to quote it in this diary entry."
"Are there any of those bird wings left?" ask Obi-Wan. He's become quite the hot wings fan of late.
"Do you have any sevens?" asks Logan.
"I should have left with that Leia chick," grouses Han. "Go fish." He reaches for the hot wings box and hands it over to Obi-Wan.
Logan reaches for a card. "I can't believe it's takin' you this long to come up with something," he says to DD. He looks at his card. He looks at Han, who has turned his back while he hands the hot wings to Obi-Wan. He puts the card back and chooses another one. "You're usually pretty quick with this stuff."
"I know," moans DD. She flops down on the bed and stares at the floor. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't come up with anything. All my ideas are stupid and boring and. . .and. . .and. . ."
Everyone looks at her. "And what?" asks Obi-Wan, biting into a hot wing.
"And not funny," she whispers.
"Oh, that's not good news," says Han.
Logan looks shaken. "That's--she doesn't mean that. Do ya, kiddo? I'm sure that stuff you're thinkin' of is plenty funny. Right?" He looks at Han and Obi-Wan. "Right?"
"Yeah, right," says Han.
"Absolutely," agrees Obi-Wan.
DD shakes her head, her eyes welling with tears. "It all sucks," she whimpers.
Just then, Victoria lets out an unholy scream. "Aaaaaaaaaahhh!"
Logan and Han surge to their feet. Han pulls his blaster, Logan releases his claws. Obi-Wan reaches for another hot wing.
"Stupid Diaryland just lost my entry!!" yells Vic.
"The what did the huh?" says Logan.
"Would you like a wing?" Obi-Wan asks her. "They're delicious."
Victoria looks over at Obi-Wan. He looks kinda cute with hot wings sauce in his beard.
"So is everything okay?" asks Han. He's not sure what just happened.
"You alright, darlin'?" asks Logan. He's not sure either.
"Ahem!" says DD. Everyone seems to have forgotten that she's the one with the crisis.
Logan retracts his claws. "Oh, right. Um. . ."
Han puts his blaster away and turns to face DD as Victoria climbs into Obi-Wan's lap. "Jesus gets more action than all the rest of us combined," he mutters.
"Would you like to touch my lightsaber again?" Obi-Wan asks Vic.
Logan walks over and sits down on the bed next to DD. He puts his arm around her. "I'm sure this is just a temporary thing, darlin'. You're probably just stressed out, or got your period or somethin'."
DD gives him a baffled-annoyed look. "What?!? What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
Logan shrugs. "I don´t know. I´m graspin' at straws here, babe."
"God, I've been wanting to do this all day," sighs Vic.
Han walks over and stands in front of DD. "I think what you need is some inspiration. You want me to zap the hairy guy again?"
"Hell no!" says Logan.
"I'm not sure even that would help," says DD morosely.
"Can you use both hands?" asks Obi-Wan. Everyone else pretends they can't hear what's going on over there.
Logan leans over and picks up his belt buckle, dangling it in front of DD. "What about this, huh? This oughtta get the creative juices flowin', right?" He switches it to his other hand. "See? The Buckle and The Watch? That's good, right?"
DD looks at Logan's little display for a minute, then shakes her head. Her lower lip starts to tremble. "Nothing," she whines. She throws herself down onto the bed and begins to sob into the pillow.
"Well, that didn't work," says Han. He glances over at Obi-Wan and Vic, then quickly looks away.
"You got a better idea?" snaps Logan.
"Not really," says Han.
"We should probably stop, but I don't think I want to," whispers Vic.
"Man, is it gettin' hot in here?" asks Logan. He takes off his shirt. Then he takes off his other shirt. Then he takes off his other shirt. Then he takes off his last shirt. He rubs his face with his hand and tries not to look at what's going on over in the corner.
"Keep going," urges Obi-Wan. "Don't stop."
DD is still crying into the pillow, apparently oblivious to the cheesy porn dialogue that keeps interrupting her dramatic scene. She grabs the other pillow and puts it over her head, which at least makes her blubbering less noticeable.
"Do you like the way I touch it?" asks Vic.
"Sweet merciful crap," mutters Logan. He's looking a little flustered.
"You know, I think it is a little warm," says Han. He takes off his little space-vest, and then his shirt. He looks at DD. "Maybe I should try to comfort her," he says. He sits down on the bed next to Logan and starts to pull off his boots.
"Comfort? Hey, wait a minute. . .why are you takin' off your boots?" Logan's suspicious as hell now.
"So I can crawl in there with her," says Han, jerking his head toward DD.
"I´m not sure how much longer I can stand it," groans Obi-Wan.
"Crawl in? In the bed?" asks Logan.
Han nods.
"What are you gonna do? Screw the funny back into her?" snarls Logan.
Han shrugs. "Hey, it might work," he says. He stands up and drops his pants. His little space undies are kinda cute. He starts to pull back the covers, but Logan stands up and blocks his way.
"If that's the case, then I think I should be the one to give it a shot," he says. "I'm the guy who hasn't gotten squat in this little escapade. You got to kiss this one, Jesus is over in the corner gettin' his saber stroked by that one, and all I've done is test my goddamn healin' factor. And not in the fun way." He gives Han a shove. "So scram, flyboy. It's time to see what a little prime Canadian beefcake can do for that girl's funnybone."
DD peeks out from beneath the pillow, looking slightly interested. "Are you guys talking about what I think you're talking about?" she asks.
They both look at her and nod.
"Wait. . .just a little more," says Victoria.
Logan leans over and wipes the tears off DD's cheek. "That's right, darlin'. Logan's gonna make things all better for ya."
DD's eyes widen. "Really?" Then her face crumples and she wails, "We can't! This is a PG-13 story!" She sticks her head back under the pillow and begins to sob anew.
"Well, I think those two in the corner are pushin' it," mutters Logan. He tries everything he can to coax her out from under the pillow, but DD refuses to come out.
Han and Logan sit on the bed, at a loss. They don´t know what to do to fix this terrible problem.
After a minute, Logan starts to sniffle. "Man, I hate seein' a woman cry."
Han nods. "Me, too."
"Don't stop, don't stop," groans Obi-Wan.
Logan stifles a little sob of his own, and Han puts his arm around him. "It's okay, man. Just let it out. You'll feel better." He wipes his eyes and clears his throat as he squeezes Logan to his side.
Logan rests his head on Han's shoulder and puts his arm around his waist. "It's just not fair, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," says Han. "But we'll get through this together."
Logan puts his arms around Han's waist and gives him a hug. "Thanks, bub. 'Preciate it."
"No problem," says Han. He looks down at Logan, who raises his head and stares into his eyes. "Any time. . ." he whispers, entranced by Logan's gaze.
"Han. . ." says Logan.
"Logan. . ." says Han.
And then, DD giggles.
Both Han and Logan freeze, staring at each other in horror as they realize they are sitting on the bed, in their underwear, locked in an embrace, and THEY WERE JUST ABOUT TO KISS.
They start yelling and swearing as they spring to their feet and retreat to opposite sides of the room.
"Gah!"
"I can't believe I almost--"
Vic jumps off Obi-Wan's lap. "That was so close!" she wails. "We almost had 'em!"
DD sits up and pounds the pillow with her fist. "I can't believe I blew it!"
"If you hadn't giggled, they'd be humping like bunnies by now," says Vic.
"What's going on?" pants Obi-Wan.
"They tricked us!" Han and Logan shout in unison.
"And you almost fell for it!" giggles DD.
"You two totally wanted to do each other," says Vic.
"Did not!" says Han.
"No way in hell!" says Logan.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," says DD. She gets up off the bed. "Since you're both almost naked already. . ."
Logan and Han hurriedly scramble for their discarded clothing. Soon, they are both fully dressed, scowling and swearing and keeping their distance from each other.
Victoria, meanwhile, has packed up her laptop. "All right, boys. Let's go." She opens the door and walks out. Han follows closely behind.
"Where are we going now?" asks Obi-Wan, since he didn't get a whole lot of dialogue in this one.
"You'll find out," says DD, giving The Buckle one last fondle, which Logan enjoys immensely because he's wearing his belt again. She looks at Logan as she leaves the room, and says, "Of course, if you and Han wanted to stay here by yourselves, just the two of you, alone in a room with a nice big bed. . ."
"PG-13, my ass," snarls Logan as he exits and slams the door behind him.
***Meanwhile, back at the place where this all started, Pete is still trying to find someone who will sell him manly clothes in return for the authentic Princess Leia slavegirl outfit he's wearing over his boxers.
Unfortunately, the only currently interested party is a wino who smells of urine and Thunderbird. Pete's not sure he can tell the difference, and he doesn't want to get close enough to try.
He passes on the offer, wandering through lonely streets, cringing at every catcall and lewd come-on from passersby, until he finally reaches home. Melissa, his ever-understanding and faithful girlfriend is there, and she takes pity on him.
"I told you not to get involved with Logan and Han," she says as she hands him his jeans and sweatshirt. "Especially not with Vic and DD pulling the strings. But did you listen to me? You did not."
"I--"
"Shut up, Pete."
"But--"
"If you keep this up, I won't wear the costume for you."
Pete shuts up quickly.
This is the last we see of him for quite some time.
***
Three months after we left them...
Meanwhile, at a Mall Somewhere in America, Logan, Han, Obi-Wan and Devil Doll sit in the food court, playing a very cut-throat game of cards.
Han has zapped Logan twice for trying to cheat; the other food court patrons have learned to give their table a wide berth.
"She's been gone forever," Obi-Wan whines. He is covered in Christmas lights from his stint as the mall's Christmas tree. He is too depressed to remove them from where Victoria draped them over his body, 'accidentally' groping him in the process.
"Yeah, three months is a long time," Han says.
"Shut up and deal," Logan growls. He turns to DD. "You know, word on the street has it that it's your fault I haven't been getting any action lately."
DD ignores him. She picks up her cards and fans them, eyes narrowed in concentration. She looks at Han. "Got any sevens?"
"Go fish."
Logan drums his fingers on the table. "I'd like an answer, darlin'. Since Vic and I took up with each other, she's never gone this long without giving me some action." He looks contemplative for a moment, touching a finger to his chin. "She occasionally gets sidetracked by losers like these two," he jerks his chin at Obi-Wan and Han, "but she always comes back."
DD heaves a Big Huge Sigh. She really, really doesn't want to explain about the Phyllis Diller PWP, though she thinks it might just send Logan scrambling into Han's arms. She's not quite sure, however, so she bides her time.
Vic has been missing since mid-December. She appeared once, wild-eyed and popcorn-stained, gibbering about a ring and somebody named Faramir, and hasn't been seen since. DD is starting to worry, though she enjoys the attentions Han, Logan and Obi-Wan lavish on her.
A girl can only play so many games of Crazy Eights and Go Fish before the mind-numbing tedium starts to make her consider outlandish things like setting up her own kissing booth in the mall with the boys as the main attraction. She gets lost in the daydream again, imagining the piles of money that could be hers. She flushes at the idea of Logan counting it at the end of every day.
"You okay, DD?" Han asks, noticing her inattention and the way her mouth has started to hang open a little.
She is saved from answering by Logan, who jumps up quickly and oversets the table (and all the cards thereon, thus ensuring no one can prove he's in debt to Obi-Wan for close to three thousand dollars from their months of card-playing).
"Where the hell have you been?" he roars, and the others follow his gaze to see Vic making her way through the food court.
"Way to make a scene," Han mutters, but Logan chooses to ignore him.
When Vic arrives at the now overturned table, they all notice she's not alone. A young man with long blond hair is behind her. He's dressed all in shades of green and he's very, very pretty.
"Hi, guys!" Vic says cheerfully. "What's up?"
"Where have you been?" Logan repeats.
"We've been worried," Obi-Wan adds in a gentle tone. "We missed you."
"Oh. I've been around," she replies breezily.
"Who's the poof?" Logan asks.
"I am Legolas, son of Thranduil," the poof replies.
Vic nods. "What he said. He's my new boyfriend."
Obi-Wan looks crestfallen, DD frowns and Legolas looks confused. "I keep telling you, my lady, I am not your boyfriend."
Han snickers. "No, I bet he's got a boyfriend of his own," and elbows Logan in the ribs. Then he winces, because Logan's ribs are covered in adamantium, which Han continually forgets.
Faster than any of them can actually see (except maybe Logan, who does, after all, have supersenses), Legolas has an arrow at Han's throat. Obi-Wan lights his lightsabre and Wolverine unsheathes his claws in the next second.
DD and Vic share a glance. This could be very interesting, but if Han winds up skewered, their whole plan will be for naught.
So they jump in the middle of the four men, er, three men and an Elf.
"Take it easy," DD admonishes Logan and Obi-Wan.
"Don't get hostile," Vic says to Legolas, stroking his hair with a fatuous expression on her face. "He didn't mean anything by it."
Han smirks at Legolas and straightens his vest.
Vic turns from her rapt contemplation of Legolas' hair and says, "Obi-Wan! You're still wearing the Christmas lights!"
The Jedi looks down as if he's just noticed the same thing. "Oh. Well. Yes. It seemed quite the thing to do. Especially as so many people seemed to think it was my birthday."
Vic looks puzzled for a moment and then, "Oh. Yeah. Jesus. Of course." She shrugged. "It's a good look for you."
Legolas, meanwhile, stares at Logan. "What dread fate befell you? Are you an Orc in disguise? You don't smell like an orc." He wrinkles his pretty nose. "An unwashed and drunken dwarf, yes. An orc, no."
"He smells just fine," Han snaps and then looks abashed.
"Yeah!" Logan winks at Han. Vic and DD grin at each other. They are so close to getting Han and Logan into bed. Though Vic begins to wonder if maybe a change ought to be made. After all, she knows how Legolas falls for the unwashed, beer-smelling types, both Man and Dwarf.
"If you say so," Legolas answers diffidently. He's not interested in the alpha male posturings of Men. He knows he is superior. He turns to Vic. "Now, I understand you were going to provide me with some sweet-smelling salve to replace that which I used on Aragorn, er, Aragorn's wounds?"
She smiles. "Pantene. You'll love it. Sweet-smelling salve," she turns to DD and says, sotto voce, "cough - lube - cough" and then turns back to the Elf, "that can also be used as a hair care product."
Logan's interest is engaged at the words "hair care" and as they walk toward the drugstore, he falls in step next to Legolas. "I'm Logan," he says. "The government screwed me over, gave me the claws. I'm a mutant. What's your story?"
"I am an Elf, born under the leaves of Greenwood the Great, in the early days of the Third Age of Middle-earth," Legolas replies. "What is a mutant?"
Logan opens his mouth and then shuts it. "Let's just say I ain't like normal folks. I can heal from almost anything anybody dishes out--"
"I could zap you, if you want to demonstrate," Han suggests a little too eagerly. Logan ignores him.
"That's how they were able to implant the claws and the metal skeleton." Legolas shudders delicately at the mention of the metal skeleton. "I've got these supersenses - can hear, smell and see just about better than anyone out there. And I've lived for a very long time."
At that, Legolas smiles and looks excited. "It sounds very much like you are an Elf, sir. I myself am two thousand nine hundred and thirty-one years old*, and I am still considered young by many of my people."
"Two thousand?" Logan choked. "Er, um, okay, yeah, see, I'm not that old. At least, I don't think I'm that old. I can't remember." He gets a little panicky. "DD, darlin', I'd know if I were that old, wouldn't I?"
"I'm sure you would, Logan," she reassures him. "After all, Phyllis Diller was macking on you recently and--"
"Aha! So it is true!"
"Er," DD has the grace to look abashed. "It wasn't really you, though. It was a you from an alternate dimension."
"Is that like how I'm a big slut in an alternate dimension?" Obi-Wan asks.
Logan looks horrified. "I may not be big on religion, kid, but Jesus ain't never been a slut in any dimension I've been in."
"I think he's referring to fanfic," Vic whispers.
"Oh."
"I'm not a slut, you know," Obi-Wan continues, warming to his theme. "I just have had a very interesting life. First we weren't allowed to have sex at all. Then we could have sex but not have relationships, and who wouldn't take advantage of that?"
"Sounds like heaven," Logan, Han, DD and Vic all say at once.
"Elves don't have much sex drive," Legolas commiserates. "At least, theoretically we don't. I think I may be some sort of what was the word? Mutant? Because recently, I've found myself in some strange and compromising positions with everyone from Gimli to Eowyn to Frodo. It is very disconcerting to go to bed alone and wake up next to an amorous hobbit. Especially when his homicidal gardener pulls out the pruning shears."
Han gulps. "Pruning shears?"
Legolas nods. "Luckily, we all manage to pretend none of it ever happens, and we all stay far, far away from Frodo." He pouts, and Vic almost faints. "It's not my fault I'm prettier and smell better than everyone else in the Fellowship. Of course, Frodo would be attracted to me."
"Who wouldn't be?" Vic manages to say in a very small, very breathless voice. She turns to DD. "Wait until you see him finger his fletchings."
Before they can go off on this disturbing tangent, Logan says, "Well, here we are," as they stop in front of CVS.
DD takes this opportunity to move into Vic's place at Legolas' side. "Look," she says, "the one in the beard and the twinkly lights? Maybe you could convince him that that mullet isn't a good look. We'd all be eternally grateful." Raising her voice, she says, "Ooh, look, beef jerky!" Logan and Han jostle for position, Vic dives out of their way, and Obi-Wan naturally falls into step next to Legolas.
"This is a very strange place," Legolas confides. "I've never seen the like, and I've been from Mirkwood to Minas Tirith and everywhere in between."
"It *is* odd," Obi-Wan agrees. "They seem to think I'm some sort of manifestation of their god. That's why I'm wearing these lights."
Legolas nods. "It's a good look for you, I must say. Very sparkly. Reminds me of Galadriel."
"Why, thank you."
"Jesus and the pretty boy are getting along really well," Logan says to Han.
"What are you, jealous?" Han asks.
Vic stops her contemplation of the latest high tech toothpaste (Brightens! Whitens! Cleans teeth and clothes!) and grabs DD's arm.
"Do you think we should change the plan?" she whispers once the men (and the Elf) have passed out of earshot (or so she believes. With Logan and Legolas, no one is really sure how far way they'd have to be to actually be out of earshot, but Vic is too dizzy with lust for the Elf to realize this).
"What do you mean?" DD asks. "And stop touching me."
Vic snatches her hand back. "Sorry. I mean, Logan likes the pretty boys - you know how you love to pair him off with Remy. And nobody's prettier than Legolas..."
DD pouts. "But I want Han and Logan together."
"But maybe they're too alike. We could get Han and Obi-Wan together and..." DD's pout takes on a mulish cast, and Vic knows better than to push it. "Okay, okay. We stick with the plan. I was just --"
A shout of "I knew it!" from the hair care aisle interrupts, and sends both women scurrying to find their men (and Elf) before there's any trouble.
"Legolas? Is something wrong?" Vic asks tentatively. She knows, even if the others don't, that the Elf may be pretty, but he's also deadly, and she doesn't want to piss him off. Not while he's still got the bow and the knives, anyway.
He points at the Clairol display, specifically the "Blonding" section. "Haldir dyes! That's his color. I knew it!"
"Collar don't match the cuffs?" Logan asks knowingly. "Jean's got that same problem."
Vic gags. "Eww!"
DD jabs Logan in the stomach with her elbow. "You know you're not supposed to mention that you and Jean --" at this, Vic gags again, and Obi-Wan attempts to offer comfort, as DD continues, "you know -- in front of Vic. You know it makes her sick!"
Logan looks sheepish. "Oh yeah. I forgot." He pats Vic's hair. "Sorry, darlin'. I forgot you were allergic to me'n'Red being an item."
"Logan, please," Obi-Wan says. "You're just making it worse." He leans in close to Vic and whispers, "It's okay. It's one of those 'other dimension' things. He's talking about one of those other Logans."
Vic swallows hard. "You're right. You're right. It's certainly not anything my Logan would get up to, now is it?" She fixes him with a steely glare and he can't hold her gaze.
"No, of course not," he says. "Though you've been a little skimpy with the Rogue action lately," he mutters as he turns away.
"What was that?"
"'You've been a little skimpy with the Rogue action lately,'" Legolas quotes, earning a nasty look from Logan, "and could we get back to my drama now? Haldir dyes his hair! That's positively un-Elf-like. No wonder Aragorn left him for... Arwen."
"It's not my fault DD had to write that Phyllis Diller PWP," Vic spits back at Logan, before turning to Legolas and adopting a softer tone of voice. "And I knew Haldir was jealous of you, Legolas. I knew it! That's why he didn't want you in Lorien."
Legolas nods. "He can't admit I'm prettier."
"I fail to see how anyone could be prettier," Obi-Wan offers, and DD nudges Vic, but she forgets that she's not nudging Logan-of-the-adamantium-ribs, and Vic goes flying into the Feria display.
Obi-Wan is torn between basking in the glow of Legolas' approval and helping Vic up from where she's sprawled quite unattractively amongst the boxes of Feria. His gentlemanly nature wins out and he and Legolas both move to help her up at the same time. Their hands brush and both are distracted momentarily by the frisson of electricity that arcs between them.
Han, who's been the forgotten man this time around, bends down and hauls Vic up. He dusts her off and says, "Those two are made for each other."
"Kinda like you and Logan," she replies.
"Yeah," Han says, and then he realizes what he's saying. He backs away from Vic, hands held up in the universal gesture of 'Please Don't Hurt Me.' "No!"
"Protesting a little too much there, buddy," DD says. "You know you want Logan."
"Yeah," Logan says. "Everyone wants me. Even Phyllis Diller." Then he realizes what he's saying, and for the first time since his mutation manifested, Logan feels direly ill. "Oh my god," he groans, turning green. "I'm starting to remember. I'm going to be sick."
"You see what you've done?" Vic shrieks at DD. "You made Logan ill! I didn't think it could even be done, but you did it!"
"It's not my fault!" DD cries. "I was possessed by evil demons. Like that Faramiwhosits guy you keep talking about!"
Logan sinks to the floor and Han cradles his head in his lap. "It's okay, buddy. I gotcha," Han says.
Vic and DD share an evil glance.
"Where is the salve?" Legolas asks, suddenly all business. "I'm sure I can heal him--"
"No way you're doing any weird Elvis voodoo on him," Han snaps. "I know what happened to Elvis and it wasn't pretty."
"Elvish, not Elvis!" Legolas says, exasperated. "Do you want him to die?"
"He can't die! I, I think I love him," Han cries, and cradles Logan's limp body against his chest.
Vic and DD smile. Evilly.
"Everything's going so well," DD whispers and Vic nods.
Whatever will happen next?
Continued in Part III
Return to Part I
Return to The Muse's Fool
Thanks to Casiel for the icon.
Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and Fox; all Star Wars characters belong to Lucasfilm and Fox; this piece of fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights .