The Adventures of Han and Logan
Two Gruff Manly Men in Love

by Pete, Devil Doll and Victoria P.

Updated 2/26/03

An explanation:

I was reading Twinkledru's Honeymoon, with Tara and Willow of BtVS getting swept off to A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away, and I says to Pete, I says, "I wonder what the Han-Meets-Logan testosterone-fest would be like."

And he wrote this. And DD and I just sort of took it from there.

Hee!

Have fun.

The story so far...

Part II .::. Part III

Logan popped his claws and flexed menacingly.

"I'm the best there is at what I do, bub," he informed Solo. "And you'd best not forget it."

*ZAP*

"I'm not the best there is at what I do," Han told Logan's smoking corpse, "but I am smart enough not to bring claws to a blaster-fight."

DD: "Han has his own spaceship. Logan doesn't have a spaceship." looks at Logan. "I'm sorry, but it's true."

Logan scowls.

Logan: "Who needs a spaceship? I got a Harley and these flamin' claws."

Vic: "Uh, I wouldn't throw the word 'flaming' around so much if you want to get chicks."

Han: "Yeah, tough guy. And you smell like my Wookiee."

*snikt*

*ZAP*

Logan: "Grr... Not again!"

Logan collapses.

DD pokes Logan. "Ew, he's all crispy again."

Logan is not amused.

Amazingly, though, as he heals, his hair grows back in exactly the same way it was before.

Vic: "It's truly a miracle."

Logan growls.

Han: "Didn't we just play this scene?"

DD: "Yeah, you're right." thinks "Let's try that carbon freezing thing next."

Han: "I'll be good."

Logan: "Heh."

Han: "Shut up."

Logan: "Make me."

Han raises his blaster.

Vic: "Boys, boys. Don't make me get the slash out."

Logan blanches.

Logan: "Goddammit. Not the slash. And definitely not with that flamin' Cajun."

Vic: "I was thinking more with Han here."

Han: "What the hell is slash?"

Logan: scoffs "Like you don't know."

Han: "I don't." glances nervously at Vic and DD "And why are they grinning?"

Logan: "Oh, c'mon. You and that Wookiee, travelin' together, just the two of ya, all alone on that spaceship..."

Han: "I still don't get it."

DD: "We can fix that." grabs blaster "Here, put that down and go stand by Logan."

Han: "Hey!" grabs it back

DD: "Hey!"

A struggle ensues.

Han: "Back off, lady."

DD: "I'll give it right back."

Han: "I'm not letting you have my blaster."

DD: "Gimme!"

Han: "Let go, you crazy—"

*ZAP*

Logan: "Arrrrrrrgh!"

He collapses again.

DD: "Oops."

Random passerby (Khaki, actually): "You gals are hilarious! You must archive this somewhere."

Logan: "Yeah, hilarious for you. You're not the guy gettin' burned to a crisp every five minutes. Please don't encourage 'em. I'm beggin' ya."

Vic: brandishes the blaster "Quiet, you!"

Logan: "Grrr... sigh."

Han: nervously backing away from DD "Slash, huh? It's not some kinda Jedi mindtrick, is it?"

Vic: "Well, only if it involves Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan."

Han: "That old guy was a crackpot. He did help us out, though. I'll say that for him."

Logan, healing, groans loudly.

Vic: "And he's hot! Or he was when he was young."

DD: "You're going off-topic, Vic."

Vic: "Oh. Yeah. Han/Logan slash."

Logan slumps over. "Maybe if I pretend I'm really dead they'll leave me alone."

Han: "I still don't know what the hell you're talking about."

Vic: "Slash! Male/male slash! With the sex and the grunting and the achingly hard cocks!"

Han leaps for the blaster: "Shoot me, too, lady!"

DD: "No way!" kicks Han in the shin

Han: "Ow!"

DD: "I can't shoot you! You have to nurse Logan back to health! That's one way that it usually happens."

Han: hopping up and down and holding shin "One way what happens?"

DD: "You know. The boy-sex."

Han stops hopping.

Logan groans again.

Han: "I'm not having sex with that guy."

DD: "That's what you say now. But you'll start taking care of him and nurturing him, and you'll grow close. And then you'll realize that you think he's kinda hot. In the meantime, he'll have developed a huge crush on you because you made him all better. And the next thing you know: boners a'plenty."

Vic nods. "It's true."

Han looks worried, then perks up as Logan stumbles to his feet.

Han points to Logan. "Look, he's already healed. See? No crush, no boners, no—"

*ZAP*

Logan: "Oh for chrissake..." collapses

Han: "Are you always this mean to him?"

DD: "Yes."

Vic: "Sometimes she's worse."

DD: "Look, if you don't want to do the nurturing thing you can pick something else. There's stranded-on-a-desert-island or snowed-in-at-the-mountain-cabin. There's also prison, but personally I think that's the least preferable of the scenarios."

Logan: whines "Not for me..."

Previously on The Adventures of Han and Logan: Two Gruff Manly Men in Love:

Logan and Han, in unison: "Hey!"

DD waves the blaster menacingly.

Vic: "As I was saying, previously on The Adventures of Han and Logan: Two Gruff Manly Men in Love":

DD: "Look, if you don't want to do the nurturing thing you can pick something else. There's stranded-on-a-desert-island or snowed-in-at-the-mountain-cabin. There's also prison, but personally I think that's the least preferable of the scenarios."

Logan: whines "Not for me..."

Han mutters, "I got a bad feeling about this."

Vic: "Ooh, I know! Aliens-made-us-have-sex-with-mind-control! It's a classic!"

Han: "I knew there was a mind control thing coming!"

Logan: "You distract 'em and I'll go for help."

Han: "Me? You ain't leaving me here with these two nutjobs, pal. No way."

Logan: "They ain't gonna hurt you. They-"

DD: "Ooh. There's a solution." points blaster at Han "You don't have a healing factor do you?"

Han: "What?"

To be continued...

Vic: "Previously on The Adventures of Han and Logan: Two Gruff Manly Men in Love

Han: "Stop saying that!"

Logan: looks at Han "I didn't know you felt that way about me."

Han: "Shut up."

Vic: "Ahem. Previously..."

DD: "Ooh. There's a solution." points blaster at Han "You don't have a healing factor do you?"

Han: "What?"

Logan: "I'll be back!" runs away

Han: "Wait! Don't leave me alone with these two!"

DD: "Wow. Maybe we need to change that to 'Girly Men in Love' or something."

Han: "Okay, that's it. I've had enough."

Han grabs Devil Doll, dips her rather dramatically, and gives her a Big Huge Kiss. She blinks and sways back and forth as he sets her back on her feet. She doesn't even notice that he took his blaster away from her.

DD: "Wow."

Vic: "Hey! You let him take his blaster back!"

Han grins a cocky grin and spins his blaster, all show-offy and stuff, before he puts it back in his holster.

DD: (dazed) "Yeah. I think I'll just lay down now and take a little nap. She starts to sit down on floor.

Vic: "Oh no you don't." grabs DD's arm and pulls her to her feet "What's gotten into you?" holds DD up

Han: "Heh."

Logan runs up with a Young Obi-Wan in tow.

Vic: jaw drops "Oh my God."

DD: (to Han) "Vic's hurting my arm."

Vic: "Sorry."

Logan: "There they are!"

Young Obi-Wan: "Those two? They don't seem very menacing to me. Are you sure--"

Logan: frowns, points at DD, who is still being held up by Vic "Hey, what happened to her?"

DD: "Look, Vic. Logan brought Jesus to play with us."

Young Obi-Wan: "Who?"

Logan: "Huh?"

DD: "Does anyone else see the pretty music?"

Vic: "Just ignore her."

Han: smirks "She'll be okay. I used a little of the ol' Han Solo charm on her. Now she's harmless as a kitten." gets all puffed up and smug

Logan: looks at Han suspiciously "You got charm power? 'Cause I know this other guy who has that charm thing and when it gets out of control..." shudders "This one time--"

Young Obi-Wan: "Excuse me, but you did bring me here for a reason, I assume."

Logan: "Oh. Yeah. Yeah." points to Vic "We need some help with that one, I guess."

Young Obi-Wan: confused "Help? In what way? Do you expect me to kill her?"

Han & Logan: "NO!"

DD: (to Vic) "Why are they yelling at Jesus?"

Vic: (to DD) "Shhh."

Han: "Take it easy there, Junior. All ya gotta do is go over and give her a kiss."

Vic: "Meep!"

DD: whines "My arm…"

Vic: "Sorry."

Young Obi-Wan: "A-a-a kiss? I don't know if that's--"

Logan: "Come on, just do it." pushes him toward Vic

Han: "We don't have all day. Lay one on her."

DD: "Everyone be quiet! My shoelaces are trying to talk to me."

Vic: (to DD) "Shut up! You're ruining my big moment here."

Logan: (to Han) "You sure she's gonna be okay?"

Han: "Pretty sure."

Vic: (to Obi-Wan) "Okay, come on. I'm bad, I'm menacing, I'm dangerous. I need to be stopped NOW."

DD: "I like puppies."

Vic lets go of DD and gives her a shove. DD goes SPLAT! on the floor, where she proceeds to have a very earnest discussion with her shoelaces.

Han: "Do it now!"

Young Obi-Wan grabs Vic and gives her a Big Huge Kiss. A really long one. Everyone else watches and waits. And waits. And waits.

DD: "Wow, Jesus is a really good kisser."

Logan: sighs "Darlin', maybe you should not talk for a little bit, okay? Just sit there and look pretty."

DD: "Okay."

Finally, Young Obi-Wan releases Vic, who goes SPLAT! on the floor next to DD.

Han: (to Young Obi-Wan) "Good work."

Young Obi-Wan: "Thank you. I had no idea I was capable of--"

Logan: frowns "Hey. Wait a minute. I'm the guy who got fried to a crisp a buncha times, and I didn't even get to kiss anybody."

Han & Young Obi-Wan, in unison: "Don't look at me."

Vic: (to DD) "When did you get here?"

DD: "I'm pretty."

~~

And there you have it.

Whatever will happen next? Will Logan get a kiss? Perhaps two? Will Han realize his feelings for the studly Wolverine before Obi-Wan turns his head?

And what are DD's shoelaces really saying?

Tune in next time to find out... Same bat time! Same bat channel!

The Positively True Adventures of Han and Logan!

::cue theme music::

Vic and DD are still dazed, sitting on the floor. DD is discussing the World Cup with her shoelaces.

Vic nods. Only in her current state does soccer actually make sense.

Han and Obi-Wan are slowly backing away from Logan, who is growing more aggrieved as he realizes he has not gotten to kiss either of the lovely young women now lounging on the floor. Even the fact that they seem to have forgotten the slash does not appease him.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light and Pete appears.

He takes in the scene, and buries his head in his hands.

He looms over DD and Vic. "I can't believe this is what you've done to my story!" Then he looks at Logan: "You - stay dead!" Logan growls and flips him the middle claw. "Believe me, you'll like playing dead a lot better than what *they* have planned for you!" Logan looks thoughtful, then collapses to the ground with a moan, all thoughts of kissing forgotten as he remembers the threat hanging over him.

Pete looks at Han: "You! You're straight!" He mutters a few words that might be in Latin, or possibly Hutt.

Poof!

Princess Leia, in her slave girl bikini, stands before them all. Pete holds the chain and waves it at Han. "See! This is your girlfriend."

Obi-Wan stares, slackjawed.

DD realizes that another woman has shown up and stolen her thunder. She mutters, "We'll talk about the officiating later," to her shoelaces, and jumps up, steaming.

"Wait just a cotton-picking minute!" she snaps. "Who said you could bring *her* here?"

From the floor Vic tentatively raises a hand. "Uh..." DD shoots her a look and she subsides.

Pete finally looks at Obi-Wan: "What the hell is Jesus doing here?"

"I am not this Jesus of whom you speak!" Obi-Wan bursts out. "I am--"

"The best kisser ever," Vic sighs dreamily.

Han rolls his eyes. Logan snorts derisively, and then remembers he's supposed to be dead. Obi-Wan blushes and stammers, "Well, Jedi aren't supposed to love, but I sometimes find myself filled with the urge to burst into 'All You Need Is Love.' Or perhaps, 'Silly Love Songs.' Something from the McCartney oeuvre, anyhow."

Leia, meanwhile, is trying to get free of her collar, and the men watch, fascinated for a moment. Logan rolls over so he can get a better view, prompting Vic to poke him in the stomach.

She becomes obsessed with his belt buckle. "DD, look!"

DD looks.

"Padme?" says Obi-Wan after Leia almost loses her top.

"Padme was my mother. Who the hell are you?"

"Jesus!" Vic, DD and Pete shout in unison.

Obi-Wan does a passable imitation of Logan's growl. Then he says, "I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi, last of the Jedi Knights. I knew your parents."

Leia nods. "Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're the idiot who put my brother with our father's stepfamily."

"Uh--" Obi-Wan say intelligently.

Leia isn't done yet, though. She turns on Pete. "Did you rub my lamp? Did you call me here?"

"I'd rub her lamp any day," Logan mutters.

"That's my girlfriend!" Han snaps.

"I heard that!" Leia says.

"I thought I told you to stay dead!" Pete thunders.

Vic and DD are still contemplating the belt buckle. "Do you think we could get his pants off?" Vic asks, finally.

DD puts a finger to her chin, lost in thought. "Hmm..."

Thus ends this episode of the Continuing Adventures of Han and Logan (And Obi-Wan and Leia and Pete and DD and Vic) Two Manly Men (and a bunch of other people) In Love.

::cue up the themesong -- "I Dream of Jeannie"::

Previously on The Adventures of Han and Logan:

Pete showed up and tried to suck all the fun out of the story. As if that weren't evil enough, he introduced the character of Princess Leia In Slave Girl Bikini, in an attempt to sway Han to the Het Side. All the guys dug Princess Leia, including Logan, who was supposed to be dead. Vic and DD became obsessed with Logan's belt buckle. Fun was had at the expense of George Lucas, genies, and World Cup Soccer.

Now, this week's installment begins...

Vic and DD are still contemplating the belt buckle. "Do you think we could get his pants off?" Vic asks, finally.

DD puts a finger to her chin, lost in thought. "Hmm..."

"The pants stay on!" shouts Pete.

"Zip it, bub," snarls Logan, making an unintentional pun. "Things are just startin' to turn around for me here." He looks at DD and Vic. "Who is that guy, anyway?"

DD pokes Logan's belt buckle and says, "I can't stop touching it!"

"It's so big!" adds Vic.

They giggle. Logan looks rather smug.

Leia is still trying to get out of her slave girl collar. Han is not-so-surreptitiously trying to peek at her ass while she's distracted.

Obi Wan is standing around, waiting for his next line.

Pete, realizing that DD and Vic are too captivated by Logan's belt buckle to explain, goes ahead and answers Logan's question. "I wrote the story that started this whole thing. That was what—" He stops and frowns at Logan. "Hey, are you paying attention?"

Logan is watching the girls fondle and whisper over his belt buckle. He looks like his eyes are about to roll back in his head.

"Hey! You!" shouts Pete.

Logan turns to look at Pete. He struggles to pay attention, but it's obviously difficult for him. "Huh? What?"

"I said I'm the guy who started the story, and then they—"

"Whoa. Hold up there." Logan's eyes narrow and he momentarily forgets the girls mooning over his crotch. "You wrote what?"

"The beginning," Pete says, exasperated. "You know. 'Snikt!' and 'Zap!' and all that."

Logan sits up, momentarily disrupting the crotch-mooning. DD and Vic make irritated noises, which he ignores. "So you're the guy who's responsible for me getting zapped?"

"Well, the first time, anyway," replies Pete.

"So if you hadn't given these two—" he points to DD and Vic, who are trying to push him back down so they can get a better view of the belt buckle "—the idea, maybe I wouldn'ta been zapped all those other times?"

"Uh, yes?" says Pete, suddenly nervous.

Logan finally gives in and lets the girls push him down onto his back. He continues to glare at Pete. "When I get my pants back on, I'm gonna kick your ass!" he says.

"You have your pants on right now," Pete points out, rather stupidly.

"Yeah, but I'm hopin' that won't last much longer," Logan says, grinning wolfishly.

"I´m not letting them take off your pants!" Pete snaps.

This finally gets DD's attention. She looks up at Pete. "You're annoying me," she says.

Logan pats her reassuringly. "Don't let that guy bother ya, darlin'. You just go back to what you were doin'." What a horndog.

"Am I going to get a line soon?" asks Obi Wan. He's getting bored.

"I'm trying to work you in," says DD. "Just hold your damn horses."

While DD is talking to Jesus, Pete walks over and starts waving his hands in front of Vic's face, trying to get her attention. Logan keeps trying to bat Pete's hands away. Finally, DD has had enough. All this hand-waving is obstructing the view.

She gets up and heaves a mighty sigh that can only come from someone who has been as horribly inconvenienced as she is right now. She walks over to Leia, who is still trying to get out of her collar, because the part where Pete and Logan argued went on longer than planned. The girls whisper to each other for a few seconds, and then DD reaches around and starts to unfasten Leia's top.

"What the hell?!?!" yells Han.

Everyone turns and looks.

"Hey, is there gonna be femslash in this story?" Logan asks, hopefully.

"Awwww God, no!" exclaims Pete. He rushes over and tries to separate DD and Leia. What he doesn't know is that it's a trick. Bwahahahaha! As soon as he gets close enough, Leia grabs him and kisses him!

"Holy crap!" says Vic.

"Hey, I thought you were my girlfriend!" says Han.

"And once again, everyone's been kissed but me," Logan points out.

Leia lets go of Pete. He crumples to the ground, passed out cold.

"Does anyone know where I might find a restroom?" asks Obi Wan, for lack of anything better to do.

"Oh, Jesus Christ! I'm trying to work you in!" snaps DD.

"Speaking of this Jesus person," says Obi Wan, "Since I don't seem to have much to do in this scene, perhaps I could continue to play that role for the time being. Does anyone know what eventually happens to his character?"

DD, Vic and Logan all look at each other.

"Um…" says DD.

"Uh…" says Vic.

"Ya know, if I were you, I'd stick with the Obi Wan thing," suggests Logan. "I got crucified once. It hurts like a mother."

"Okay," says DD, changing the subject. "Now that we've taken care of him…" She gives Pete's slack-jawed form a nudge with her toe.

"Now we can finally get Logan's pants off!" says Vic.

Logan sits up and starts to take off his boots. "It's about damn time!"

"Do I have to stay here for this?" asks Obi Wan.

"Actually, I don't mind," says Leia, inching closer.

Han glares at her. "I think that guy was full of crap when he said you're my girlfriend," he grumbles.

"Wait, wait, wait!" says DD.

Logan throws his arms in the air. "Flamin' hell! Now what??!?!??" he yells. He flops back down onto his back and glowers at nothing in particular.

"I thought you're supposed to be dead anyway," observes Han.

"I got better," says Logan. "Not that it's doin' me any good," he adds sullenly.

"You don't want to take off Logan's pants?" asks Vic. She's obviously stunned by this development. "I thought that was the whole point!"

"No, I do, I do!" DD clarifies hastily. "But I was thinking we could go somewhere more, uh, private." She casts a glance at Unconscious Pete. "Someplace where people can't find us."

Logan sits up, interested once again. "Like a hotel?" he suggests. He starts digging in his pocket for his wallet. "It's on me, ladies," he says, pulling out a credit card.

"Perfect!" squeal DD and Vic in unison.

"Sounds like a good idea to me," says Han, leering suggestively at Leia.

"Who the hell is responsible for this outfit, anyway?" asks Leia. She's obviously tired of all the attention her slave girl bikini is getting.

DD and Vic point at Unconscious Pete.

"Don't worry, we're not taking him with us," says Vic.

"Hmmm…" says Leia.

"Can we stop for beer on the way?" asks Logan.

One hour later…

When Pete wakes up, the first thing he notices is that he's all alone. That's good, he thinks, because that means that whole Han/Logan slash thing was just a bad dream.

His next thought is that he hopes he is still having a bad dream, because he's wearing Princess Leia's slave girl bikini. He does a quick check, and is relieved to note that he at least has his boxer shorts. Kind of spoils the look, but. . .

There's a note on his chest. As he picks it up to read it, a twenty-dollar bill falls into his lap.

Dear Pete:

We decided to go someplace more private. We didn't take you because 1. You were passed out, and 2. You're no fun. Leia obviously couldn't go wandering around dressed like she was, so we gave her your clothes until she can find something else. Because we aren't totally heartless, we left you your boxer shorts and 20 bucks for a cab home. Good luck.

xoxo

Vic & DD

Meanwhile, at a hotel of unknown locale…

Han and Leia are nowhere to be seen.

Obi Wan has discovered the wonders of free cable, and is slouched in an armchair drinking a beer.

Vic and DD are sprawled on the bed, chins propped in their hands, feet waving in the air as they ooh and aah appreciatively.

Logan's pants are in a crumpled heap on the yucky hotel carpet at the foot of the bed.

Logan, clad in his boxer shorts, socks, and numerous shirts and jackets, sits in the other armchair. His arms are crossed over his chest; a forgotten beer sits on the table next to him. He's sulking, in that completely adorable and manly way of his, as he watches Vic and DD. They've spread his belt out on the bed in front of them so they can continue to play with the buckle.

"I bet eveyone else is jealous that we get to touch it," says Vic.

"I wonder what it looks like when it's wet," wonders DD.

Obi Wan takes another swig of his beer, then burps rather loudly. "I assume this isn't quite what you were expecting," he says to Logan.

"Shut up, Jesus, " says Logan.

To Be Continued. . .

Whatever will happen next? Can Han be saved now that he's apparently gone straight? Will Logan get his belt back? Will Obi Wan get drunk and start telling boring Jedi stories? Will Pete make it home without getting arrested or beat up?

Only Vic knows.

Tune in next time for the Continuing Adventures of Han and Logan: Two Manly Men In Love.

::cue theme music::

Go to Part II

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Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and Fox; all Star Wars characters belong to Lucasfilm and Fox; this piece of fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights .