f o r e v e r . d o e s n ' t . m e a n . f o r e v e r

Forever Doesn't Mean Forever
[by victoria p.]

Rating: PG

Summary: "Forever doesn't mean forever / Just maybe some other time or place / How can two souls still eat together / when life has lost its taste?"

Notes: Thanks to Dot, Meg, Jen, and Pete. And to Kurt Wallinger, whose "And I Fell Back Alone" was played incessantly during the writing of this fic.

It wasn't anybody's fault. Sometimes forever doesn't mean forever. It could mean they'll be together in some other time or place. But now, he has to go. He can't stay and watch their love die.

There's no blame to assign, he knows, as he packs up the accumulation of eight years spent together. Eight years, and it fits into the two small boxes he carries down the hall.

He insisted she stay in the room that had been theirs. She'd decorated it, all rich greens and golds, the perfect background for her fiery coloring. He couldn't see it anyway, it was all reds and pinks to him.

He walks to the room that is now his. Its walls bare of any reminder that he has just left eight years of his life behind, eight years invested in a woman he can no longer honestly say he knows.

She has changed. "We all change," she insisted, when he'd brought it up. "Life is change. Growth. You've changed, too."

And it's the truth. They've both changed, grown beyond each other -- that desperate need to cling they'd felt all those years ago, when they were two lost souls who'd felt no one else could understand them.

She had met him as a boy and he's become a man -- a good man, a caring man, a leader. She'd been a woman already when they first fell in love, and now she is a doctor, a warrior, an icon.

He likes to think that he shapes his own life, that fate is nothing but a fairy tale, but she believes biology is destiny in the end. Perhaps it is her study of genetics that enforces this belief. He feels it now -- the pressure of outside forces, molding her into Dr. Jean Grey, geneticist, mutant-rights activist, and now, candidate for the Senate.

He no longer understands this woman; her drive to succeed far outstrips his. He is a perfectionist, true, spending time on the little details, so the whole is harmonious, right. But he seeks perfection in small things -- the silent swing of a door-hinge, the purr of a well-tuned engine, the landing of the Blackbird, finally smooth and free from jarring bumps.

He smiles at this last, remembering his joy in flight. He knows this isn't the end of the world -- he can still smile, still feel, still fly west into the gleaming sun. With the Blackbird, he can follow the sun round the world, and never see night fall.

He needs that reassurance now, that the sun will come up tomorrow, because he feels as though he's lost the center of his universe. All roads lead to Jean, all things are drawn into her orbit, and he's suddenly been cut free.

He drifts, aimlessly, through the next days and weeks. He knows that they all talk about him, whisper behind his back, but he doesn't care.

He knows it's not his fault, not anybody's fault. She wants a life in the public eye, wants to make the world a better place. He wants the latter, too, but knows he's not cut out for the former. He will work in the shadows, with the X-Men, while she leads the fight from within the system.

Eventually, they will become friends. She will fall in love with someone else, someone who is ready for the spotlight, willing to be that silent yet highly visible support. He will find a soulmate, perhaps even here among his other friends.

All he knows, as he finally hangs a picture on the wall, is that this was not what he expected, this is not what he thought life had in store. But time and life can't be shaped like wood or metal, and he is at a loss to describe how the changes that opened this gulf between them came about.

Time is not kind, he learns, and life is not fair. Platitudes he's mouthed over and over to the children in his care, but only after months of sleeping alone does he understand their truth, feeling it from balls to bones.

He watches her on television that night, and whispers, "Good luck, my love," as she waits for the results of the election. He voted for her, and prays that she will win. He knows he has been a large part of what brought her to this point, but she will move forward without him.

He's still with her, and she with him, but in small ways now, and he finds, at last, that that's enough.

Forever doesn't mean forever, but he can live with what he's had, and what he's lost. He can live knowing that they may have a someday, even if it's not today.

~fin~

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Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and Fox; this piece of fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights. "And I Fell Back Alone" belongs to Kurt Wallinger and World Party and is an awesome song.