e c l i p s e

Eclipse
[by victoria p.]

Rating: Adult

Summary: "In the daylight, when James is around, he knows Sirius doesn't even see him."

Notes: Thanks to Mousapelli for looking it over.

Date: April 15, 2005

Remus finds it easy to love Sirius when he knows he'll never have him, that Sirius belongs to every girl at Hogwarts old enough to sprout tits and give him the eye through heavily mascaraed lashes, because he belongs to none of them.

So it's a shock when he stumbles back into their room one night to hear Sirius pleading with James in a low, slurred voice.

"Please, James. If you'll just let me--"

"Fuck, Sirius, no. I've told you a thousand times." James sounds unusually angry, and when Sirius leans forward and attempts to kiss him, James shoves him hard enough to send him stumbling back. "You're my best mate, but that's it." James's tone is final, he stabs the air with a finger to emphasize his words, and Remus can see hope die in Sirius's eyes, the pupils so wide in the dim light of the room that they appear black, with a slim silvery rim, like the sun during an eclipse.

Sirius storms to his bed and pulls the curtains so hard they sway with his fury for an endless moment.

Remus tries to make himself invisible, but James turns and sees him.

Who's a deer in the headlamps now? is the first thought that pops into his head, and it's all he can do to keep himself from giggling nervously.

James frowns but says nothing. He stalks to his own bed and with great deliberation draws his curtains closed.

Remus stands, frozen, unsure, near the door. Sirius likes boys, he thinks, then, No, Sirius likes James. It is, Remus learns in that moment, quite possible to feel both amazingly hopeful and heartbroken at the same time. He continues to hold still, as if in his stillness, he can somehow find a balance, figure out what he's going to do.

As soon as he thinks it, he realizes there's no choice, there's never been a choice.

He shuffles to Sirius's bed, tentatively draws back the red curtain, heavy velvet soft beneath the pads of his fingers, like Padfoot's fur, or Sirius's skin.

Sirius jerks his head off the pillow, his eyes widening and then narrowing when he sees who it is.

"What?"

"I just-- I heard. I'm sorry," Remus stutters.

"You heard? You're fucking sorry?" Even in a whisper, Sirius's voice is jagged with pain and anger.

"I--" Remus doesn't wait to be invited, sits on the bed, made bold by his new knowledge. Sirius likes blokes, and Sirius got rejected, somehow lowering Sirius down off his pedestal, making him accessible in ways he never was before, for all their years of friendship. He leans forward, mimicking Sirius's earlier actions, and presses a kiss to Sirius's full, soft lips.

Sirius pulls away, snarling, but Remus just cups his cheek, the scratch of stubble making his palm tingle.

"Let me," Remus says, and Sirius, always willing to let someone soothe him out of his sulks, relaxes.

They kiss again, and this time Sirius responds, his mouth opening beneath Remus's so Remus can slip his tongue inside to drink him in -- heat-gin-Sirius -- hands tangling in Sirius's hair, his shirt, the sheets.

Remus draws a shuddering breath when they part; slow, slow, slow, he tells himself, because he wants to pounce on Sirius, devour him, swallow him whole and never leave his bed again. But he knows the whole time his hand is on Sirius's cock, his tongue is in Sirius's mouth, Sirius's thoughts are two beds over, and it is no surprise when Sirius comes, the name he whispers isn't Remus.

***

The next day, things are back to normal -- James doesn't like to quarrel and Sirius doesn't like to pick fights he can't win, so they all pretend it never happened. There is no subtle shift in alliances, no rearrangement of their little hierarchy. Remus doesn't think he expected there to be.

He doesn't push -- he doesn't know yet if it was a one-time thing or if Sirius is interested in more, so he's almost breathless with joy when Sirius corners him in the shower, pushing him against the cool, wet tile. And then he's breathless with need, heat, pleasure as Sirius thrusts his hips; the slide of his cock against Remus's makes Remus groan and clutch at him desperately, pressing so hard the skin on Sirius's shoulders is white beneath his fingers.

They flex and thrust and when Remus comes, white and hot over their bodies, he cries out Sirius's name. When Sirius comes, he presses a kiss to Remus's throat, and though his lips move, Remus pretends not to know what he's saying.

The evidence of what they've done spirals down the drain, and when he's clean, Sirius steps out, as silent as he was when he walked in.

They fall into a pattern, and amid the soft groans and silences as they fuck, Remus halfway convinces himself that Sirius is over James, that Sirius loves him now, and during the night, he can believe it.

In the daylight, when James is around, he knows Sirius doesn't even see him.

***

Remus wishes it would go on forever, but when they leave school, Sirius withdraws. On the few nights they spend together, he can't fool himself into thinking Sirius actually wants to be there, even when his cock is balls-deep in Remus's arse.

When it's over, Remus tells himself he's had pieces of Sirius that James never will, but it never makes his feelings easier to bear.

***

Remus stares in dreadful fascination at the picture of Sirius on the front of the Daily Prophet, looking like a madman, a killer.

Hell hath no fury, he thinks, and he knows he should hate Sirius for what he's done, for betraying James, killing Peter, using him and tossing him aside like a stranger he'd met down the pub.

But Remus can't feel anything at all.

***

Sirius leafs through the old photo album, and Remus tries not to be aware of his every breath, his every move.

It's strange, he thinks, how some things never quite go away.

In the right light, the planes and angles of Sirius's face can still make him catch his breath, though time has worn away the sick allure Sirius used to hold for him, that he always thought was love.

"You were in love with me," Sirius says, as though reading his mind.

Remus looks up from the report he's writing to Dumbledore. "I thought so at the time, yes."

"I was a bastard, wasn't I?" Sirius sounds thoughtful, and a little sad.

Remus has to laugh at that. "Indeed."

"I could make it up to you--"

Remus shakes his head, and speaks around the tightness in his throat. "No, Sirius. Just-- No. That part of our lives is over, and has been for a very long time."

But Sirius has always been persistent, and Remus wakes to find him sitting on the edge of the bed. Sirius's face is pale in the darkness, his eyes black ringed with silver. He opens his mouth to speak, and then stops and shakes his head, and instead cants forward to press a soft kiss to Remus's lips.

Before Remus pushes him away, he tastes toothpaste and a hint of sleep. He licks his lips, nerves jangling unexpectedly from the contact. "Sirius, what--"

"You said the past is gone, and I have to live with that." Sirius laughs harshly. "I've been living with it for the last thirteen years." He cups Remus's cheek, long fingers warm and strong against Remus's skin, and Remus holds himself very still, though his mind and heart are racing. "I thought it might be time to start again," Sirius says, leaning in for another kiss, and this time, Remus opens his mouth and lets him in.

"Sirius?"

As they fall back against the pillows, Sirius smiles against his lips and murmurs, "Remus."

end

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