Call Waiting: Lorne

by: Pete Meilinger

Rating: PG

~*~

Simon Cowell stepped to the front of the stage. He was grinning from ear to ear, and he had to stop to wipe a tear of joy from his eye before he spoke.

"Since this program first began," he said, "I've always maintained that appearance is as important as talent. I've been unfairly castigated and vilified for that opinion, but I know it to be true. In the music industry, image is just as important as singing ability. Maybe moreso. So you may all find it odd that I completely agree with the choice America has made. Our winner doesn't have what you might call standard good looks, but he has a stage presence and charisma greater than any performer I have ever seen. From his first audition, when he sang 'Natural Woman' and blew our socks off, I knew in my heart that he would be the next American Idol. That's why I'm so proud to be able to present him to you tonight. That ponce Ryan would normally be doing this, but Paula and Randy have taken care of him for me in order that I might have the honor."

He gestured to one side, where Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul sat with Ryan on the red couch. Ryan's body was covered from head to toe in duct tape. He was struggling mightily and grunting incoherently. Randy and Paula waved happily.

At the sight of Ryan's predicament, the entire audience erupted into cheers and applause. Simon clapped along with them for a moment, then gestured for silence.

"I don't want to drag this out," he said, "so let me get straight down to it. It is my honor, my privilege, my joy to introduce to you the next and greatest American Idol.

"I give you Krevlorne Swath of the Deathwok Clan!"

The audience exploded out of their seats, clapping and cheering and screaming their appreciation.

Lorne walked out onto the stage, waving to his fans. Simon rushed over to embrace him, causing the audience to cheer even louder.

"Thank you, thank you," Lorne said, after he extricated himself from Simon's arms. "I can't tell you what this means to me. I've played Vegas, and owned my own club, and even helped save the world once or twice, but to win American Idol is just such an honor. I love you all!"

He gestured to the band, and music started to fill the auditorium.

"This song isn't my usual style," Lorne said. "I learned it from a buddy of mine in Vegas, and it really fits the way I'm feeling right now." He took a deep breath and began to sing.

"Danke schoen, darlings danke schoen. Thank you for all the joy and pain..."

END

NOTES: Okay, I want it known right now that I do not watch American Idol. Melissa does, however, and I'm often in the room while she watches.

Disclaimer: All Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, David Greenwalt, Greenwolf Productions, Sand Dollar, and the Kuzuis. This fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights.