Call Waiting: The Buffybot
by Eric Jablow
Synopsis: The repaired Buffy^H^H^H^H^HElizabot gets a business call.
Rating: G. No objectionable content.
"I'm not so sure about this, Willow."
"Relax, Dawn. You need someone to watch over you. You can't live here by yourself."
"Why can't I stay with you?"
"We're not exactly prepared to raise a fourteen-year-old. And, don't say it, Dawn."
"You just don't want me to cramp your style."
"That too, Dawn. Look, people would talk. Now, you and your Aunt Elizabeth--that'll be okay."
"Aunt Elizabeth. She's not human!" She grabbed her backpack and stomped out the front door to go to school.
Willow called out after her: "Dawn, does that matter?" Willow turned toward the kitchen and said, "Elizabeth, Report."
A short brunette stepped out of the kitchen and stood in front of Willow.
"Elizabeth, Status Check."
The brunette shimmied a bit, blinked her eyes a few times, and made her report.
Mental capabilities nominal.
Storage Space 90% Free.
Storage Space 99% Unfragmented.
Signal Conduction Test nominal.
Mechanical Test: Neck joint degraded 10%,
remainder nominal.
Local Sensor Test: Vision 100%,
Hearing 100%,
Touch 100%,
Temperature 100%,
Olfactory 83%.
Distance Sensor Test: Temperature 100%,
Voice-Stress Analyzer 100%."Hmm. I'll work on the neck joint tonight. Must have let something slip when I reconnected you. Explain olfactory sensor failure."
"Smoke from burning egg yolks caused sensor degradation.
Analysis shows priority assignment error. At 0800 hours, priority for 'Safe Cooking Procedures' set at 6, priority for 'Social Communications' set at 5. Proposed solution: raise priority 'Safe Cooking Procedures' to 4, lower priority 'Privileged Communications' to 5, 'Social Communications' to 6.""Approved. Who was 0800 Social Communications subject?"
"Mrs. Debra Dalloway. Role: Carpool Dawn Tuesdays. Personality: bit--"
"Stop!"
"Understood."
"Schedule."
0900-1100 Laundry, Cleanup.
1100-1200 Food Shopping.
1200-1300 Cleanup, Dusting.
1300-1400 Physical Training.
1400-1500 'Passions'."What? Repeat."
1400-1500 'Passions'.
"Explain 'Passions' purpose."
"Mrs. Summers enjoyed 'Passions'. As 'sister' of Mrs. Summers, expected to enjoy 'Passions' too. 'Passions' popular subject of 'Social Communications'. 'Passions' knowledge required for successful 'Social Communications'.
"Did Spike get into your programming? Don't answer that. Continue."
1500-1700 Monitor Activities Dawn.
1700-1800 Prepare Dinner.
1800-1830 Dinner.
1830-2000 Monitor Schoolwork Dawn.
2000-2130 Monitor Communications Dawn."Don't tell her!"
"Understood."
"Continue schedule."
2130-2300 Entertain Spike.
2300-2400 Surveillance News, Nightline(TM).
2400-0400 Patrol Sunnydale.
0400-0700 Upkeep.
0700-0900 School Preparation Dawn."Very good. Tara and I will be here approximately 2030. Continue schedule as planned. Repeat priority list."
1. Protect Dawn.
2. Protect Human Beings.
3. Keep Knowledge of Robots and Monsters Secret.
4. Safe Cooking Procedures.
5. Privileged Communications
6. Social Communications
7. Patrol Sunnydale."Very good. Continue as planned. Good-bye, B-Elizabeth."
----
At 10:00, someone rang the Summers' doorbell. The Elizabot, implementing procedure 6.2.1.3 "Home Visitors|Currently Unknown|Daytime|Low Priority Tasks Current" went to answer the door. There were two men and one woman there, all standing in the sun. One of the men was in her database.
"Warren."
"Hello, Buffy. May we come in?"
The Elizabot read Warren's profile: member of Level 2 Disapproved List, member of Robot-Cognizant List, and member of Vampire-Cognizant List. Evaluation procedure 12.3.2b gives 75% chance that either companion is Robot-Cognizant.
"I'm sorry, Warren. I cannot allow you to come in."
"But Buffy, these people have a business proposition for you. I must say, your physical remodeling looks quite natural."
The woman next to Warren added, "Yes, Buffy, my firm is quite interested in learning about you and your background."
The Elizabot evaluated the woman. Evaluation procedure 12.1.1 gives 100% probability of being normal Human. Evaluation Procedure 12.2.3 [VSA] gives 92% probability of being truthful. Evaluation procedure 12.3.3 raises probability of being Robot-Cognizant to 98%.
"I'm sorry, Warren, but I cannot allow you entry. And, please don't call me Buffy. That name would only cause Dawn pain." Elizabeth turned to the woman, and asked, "What kind of business proposition?"
"My firm is the leading US company in Artificial Intelligence and Robotics research, and we'd be willing to pay you for your consulting on robot/human interaction."
"And you are?"
"I am sorry, that was rude. I am Dr. Susan Calvin."
End
~*~
"Dr. Susan Calvin" is the property of the Estate of Isaac Asimov. She was the chief robopsychologist of US Robots and Mechanical Men in Asimov's "I, Robot" collection. In those stories, USRMM and its competitors had trouble getting robots accepted in human society; people were worried about them being another Frankenstein's Monster. So, they programmed all robots with a set of basic rules, the Three Laws of Robotics.
1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law
Many of the stories depended on the problems in interpreting these laws.
~*~
Disclaimer: All Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, David Greenwalt, Greenwolf Productions, Sand Dollar, and the Kuzuis. This fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights.
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